


mystery of love

by bluesxrgent



Category: SKAM (Netherlands)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon, Angst, Coming Out, Coming of Age, Falling In Love, First Love, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Love at First Sight, M/M, skam nl deserved better, the s3 we deserved, vdh deserves the world
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-11
Updated: 2019-12-20
Packaged: 2020-12-12 05:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 98,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20990240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bluesxrgent/pseuds/bluesxrgent
Summary: in his final year of high school, lucas van der heijden meets a boy that might change his whole life.aka the skam nl season 3 we deserved because npo3 are COWARDS and i would lay down my life for lucas van der heijden





	1. week one: you're new, right?

**Author's Note:**

> new chapters will be posted every friday. 
> 
> 10 weeks just like in og and all other remakes.
> 
> original characters are faceclaims, i wanted the work to be as visually cinematic as possible which is also why i’ve also incorporated songs into the ‘clips’ as a reference to where they would be played in the show. i'll make the full playlist available when the story is over.
> 
> tws will be given when necessary at the beginning of chapters.
> 
> this will not follow the exact season 3 storyline laid out in og like any other remake, and i hope you like the changes. there’s a good possibility no one will read this, but if you do you’re awesome and thank you for feeding my wish fulfillment.

**ZATERDAG 23:56 - Do you want to get out of here?**

_ \- now playing: super rich kids by frank ocean - _

The party was raging all around, but Lucas couldn’t really be bothered to be a part of it. All he had to do was get these beers back to his friends, then they could lock themselves in the bathroom and get high and forget any and all troubles lingering in the corners of his mind.

He cast his eyes around the room, not looking for anyone in particular, but catching sight of people he knew regardless. Isa was dancing in the middle of the room with Janna, and he couldn’t help but smile at their ridiculous dance moves. Things hadn’t quite been the same between them since everything that happened with Kes, but it was a new school year, maybe they could work things out for real. 

Liv was talking to Engel near the corner of the room, and Lucas briefly wondered where Noah was. Last he’d heard Noah decided not to move to Berlin and was attending a university nearby, which pleased both him and Liv. Lucas didn’t know Noah or Liv very well, but he’d always liked Liv, and if she was happy with Noah and he was happy with her, he supposed that was all anyone could hope for. 

There was a girl standing right by Engel and Liv trying to catch his eye and Lucas ducked away before they could make eye contact, praying she wouldn’t try to follow him. He just didn’t have the energy for that at the moment, didn’t have the energy to pretend. 

Finally, he made it to the bathroom, slipping inside stealthily and shutting the door with extreme caution, so as to not alert the girl from the other room if she had followed. Kes grinned up at him in a way that, a few months ago would have had his heart beating rapidly, and Lucas handed him a beer. If his heart still beat a bit rapidly when their hands brushed, he ignored it. 

Jayden was there in the bathroom as well, along with another boy Lucas didn’t know very well but Jayden had been hanging out with since the start of the year. Sander, was his name. He seemed nice enough, and he brought weed, so he was good in Lucas’ book. 

“Dude what took so long,” Kes asked after Lucas distributed the beers and joined the three of them in the bathtub. He shrugged, shaking his hair from his eyes. It was getting quite long now, longer than he’d had it since he was a kid, but he found he didn’t mind it. Kes, thankfully was growing used to short and nonverbal responses as of late, so he just scooted over to allow Lucas more room and passed him the joint they’d been sharing. 

Lucas took a long drag, staring up at the ceiling as he exhaled, smoke drifting up higher and higher until it spread out and disappeared completely. There was a metaphor in there somewhere, he was sure of it, but then again he’d never been the best at identifying metaphors. That was why his focus was in science, not literature. He liked the idea of literature, but there was so much analysis it zapped the enjoyment out of it.

“Easy there, I barely know you, who says you get to hog all the weed?” Sander snapped, reaching over to pluck the joint from between his fingers. Lucas blushed a bright shade of red and dipped his head down, shaking his curls back in front of his face. 

“Sorry,” he said. He wasn’t sorry, because there wasn’t really anything real to be sorry for, but apologizing just made him feel better about most things. 

Sander raised his eyebrows and grinned. “So you do speak?”

Lucas looked up at him with narrowed eyes. “What?”

“Those are the first words I’ve heard you say all night. One might think you’re not having any fun.” Sander smiled at him with a grin to wide for his face so it was hard to tell if he was teasing in a good natured way or not. 

He was right, though. Lucas really wasn’t having any fun, but he knew better than to say so. He simply shrugged again and quipped, “Maybe I haven’t had anything to say because you haven’t said anything worth responding to.”

Kes choked on his beer, covering his mouth to hide a laugh, and Lucas relaxed. Sander’s grin grew even wider. “Remind me why we haven’t hung out much until now?”

The teasing had been good natured, then. Noted. “I had no idea who you were until a month ago,” Lucas said, and Sander nodded. 

“Right back at you.” He passed the joint back, ignoring Kes and Jayden’s indignant scoffs as he reached over them. “Well here’s to friendships formed in ex-girlfriend’s bathtubs.”

Lucas tried not to shift uncomfortably when reminded that they were in Isa’s house, and Kes didn’t react at all, so maybe they were in the clear. It was a good sign that they were even there, at Isa’s house, and that Kes and Isa weren’t trying to make each other jealous all night. Lucas doubted Isa would have stooped to that level, but he knew Kes had been searching for _ something _ to fill the Isa shaped void in his heart for a while there. Maybe he’d realized he didn’t need to focus so hard on filling it. 

The door opened with a bang and all four boys looked up at once, Lucas passing the joint over to Kes hurriedly. Kes looked at him amusedly and he rolled his eyes, looking back at the intruder. _ Shit _, it was the girl from upstairs. Maybe she wouldn’t recognize him? But no, of course he couldn’t be so lucky, he saw the light in her eyes when they met his. 

“Sorry, I didn’t know this bathroom was occupied,” the girl said with a blush, tucking her hair behind her ear. She was pretty, really pretty, and Lucas wished more than anything that he was interested in her the same way she clearly was into him, if her red faced glances his way were any indication. 

“No problem,” Sander said with another grin. Lucas wondered if it was a front or if he really was carefree enough he smiled that easily. He held out the joint to her. “Do you want a hit?” 

She ducked her head. “I’ve never— I’m not sure I’d do it right.”

“Lucas can show you,” Jayden chimed in, and Lucas had to resist the urge to glare at him. From Jayden’s perspective, he should be celebrating having this girl’s attention. 

“I hope you’re Lucas,” she said, looking him in the eye. Beside him, Kes let out a low whistle, jostling Lucas to get out of the bathtub. He did so, and in doing so, he forced himself to become the other version of himself, the one that loved this attention and was grateful to have a beautiful girl looking at him like that. 

He smiled at her, hoping it didn’t look forced. “I hope you’re not disappointed,” he countered, hating himself for it. 

She dropped her eyes but grinned nonetheless. “You look like Troye Sivan,” she said. 

Normally, he would have taken that as a compliment, but he really couldn’t do so here without admitting he knew who Troye Sivan was, so instead he stayed silent and held out his hand for the joint and raised it to his lips once Kes passed it to him, taking a slow drag and maybe showing off a little bit. If he was going to perform, may as well go all in. 

“I’ll tell you what,” he said, “If I teach you, you tell me your name so I can know you a little better.”

“I’d give you that without the lesson.” Her voice was breathy and light, and he felt sick. 

“Well I need some incentive, don’t I?” he teased. Maybe she would get bored of this banter and he would be in the clear. 

Instead, she raised one of her eyebrows. “Why don’t you teach me and then we’ll see about that incentive?”

He smiled again at her, taking the joint back from where he’d tucked it behind his ear. The whole time he taught her how to smoke it, all he could think was that he hoped the boys were convinced. None of them had said a word and he was too anxious to look at them on the off chance they knew he was faking everything. 

Unfortunately, he was a good teacher, and the girl smoked the joint in a way that told Lucas she’d only been pretending it was her first time. He couldn’t really blame her, he’d done a great many things to catch Kes’ attention in the past, many of which he wasn’t very proud of. He could tell she’d been hoping he’d shotgun with her, but he needed to get way more drunk before he decided to do _ that _.

“My name’s Sofie,” she said, fluttering her eyelashes at him. Or maybe she was just blinking, he really didn’t know. 

“Lucas,” he said, holding out his hand, even though she already knew that. 

She clasped his hand lightly, pulling him closer. “Well, Lucas, how about that incentive?” 

For the record, he knew what the “incentive” was before she even leaned in. But whatever, she was pretty, she seemed nice, and all of his friends were staring right at him. What was he supposed to do? Say “No thanks, actually, I think I’m into guys”? Yeah, right.

It wasn’t a bad kiss, as far as kisses went. He put his hands on her waist as she wrapped her arms around his neck, because girls liked that or whatever. He felt a pat on the back and broke away a moment to see Sander, Jayden, and Kes leaving the bathroom. Sander plucked the joint from behind Lucas’ ear and saluted him, Jayden whistling as he passed by. 

As soon as they were gone and Lucas was alone with Sofie, he dropped his performance for the most part. He was sure she could sense a shift, because she frowned almost immediately. “What’s wrong?” 

He forced another smile and shook his head, trying to clear his mind. “Nothing, nothing,” he assured her, even though the true answer was more like _ everything, everything _. 

That seemed to satisfy her, though, because she leaned back in and he obliged her, kissing her the way he wanted to be kissed by someone he actually liked. There were no fireworks, no spark, but he’d long given up on finding that with anybody. If he had to coast through life like this, so be it, it was what he deserved for the shit he’d done, particularly to Isa and Kes. 

“Do you want to get out of here?” she asked breathlessly, bright blue eyes shining even in the dim light of the bathroom. 

“Um, sure,” he responded, completely unenthusiastically, but she didn’t seem to care. Hopefully there would be some sort of distraction upstairs that could come between the two of them. 

He held her hand lazily, guiding her out of the bathroom and back upstairs where the party was still in full swing. He nearly ran directly into Engel, who had a concerned look on her face. 

“Lucas! Have you seen Isa?” she asked hurriedly, looking over his head as she spoke. 

Sofie gripped his hand tighter and he almost laughed. Yeah, she should _ definitely _ have been worried about Engel stealing him away. “Isa? No, not for a while…” he answered, realizing she’d asked a question. “Why?”

Engel bit her lip and looked back towards the door. “The police are here, there was a noise complaint or something.”

He had hoped for a distraction, and this would have to do. 

“Shit,” he said, more worriedly than necessary. He dropped Sofie’s hand. “I’ll go ask Kes if he’s seen her.” He was going to do nothing of the sort, but neither Sofie nor Engel needed to know that. 

“Thank you so much, I don’t want to talk to them because I’m a little tipsy and…” Engel was still talking, but Lucas stopped paying attention. While Sofie’s attention was on Engel, trying to console her, Lucas slipped away, maneuvering around the house and all the people in it until he made his way to Isa’s bedroom, thankfully vacant, and slipped out through her window.

He honestly couldn’t believe that had worked as well as it had. 

“Excuse me?” a voice said behind him.

Or maybe not. 

He turned slowly, trying to look like he was definitely not a little bit drunk and high. It was probably a failed attempt, but at least he tried. 

“How old are you?” the officer asked, looking him up and down. 

“Seventeen,” he answered automatically, because it wasn’t a crime to have a drink at that age. The weed was another issue, and he prayed she didn’t smell it on him. 

She narrowed her eyes, as he’d expected. “If you’re seventeen why did you sneak out the window instead of the front door like everyone else?”

He shrugged. “I wasn’t sneaking, it was just less crowded, and I was already in the room with the window.”

“Mhmm,” she hummed, clearly unconvinced, “And what’s your name?”

“Ralph,” he said, the first name that came to his head, “Ralph Hansen.”

“Ralph Hansen,” she repeated, and he nodded. She looked him up and down again. “Wait here.”

As she turned to walk away, Lucas weighed his options. One, he could try to run for it, though he didn’t know how far he’d get. Two, he could wait there for her, which was probably the stupidest option. Three, he could— 

Lucas gasped for breath as the wind was nearly knocked out of him and he suddenly realized he’d been picked up like a rag doll and thrown over someone’s shoulder, someone who was running. He lifted his head and saw Kes and Jayden running and laughing to his right, so he could only assume Sander had picked him up. 

He coughed, trying to regain his breath. “Sander? You can let me down.”

“You’re oddly light,” was all Sander said in response, keeping him slung over his shoulder. It was only when they were far enough away that none of the police would look for them that Sander finally let him down. 

“Thanks,” he said, out of breath even though he hadn’t been the one running. “I owe you one.”

“I’ll take payment in the form of Shakespearean sonnets,” Sander said. 

“Um, ok,” Lucas agreed, because what else could he say? 

“Try saying that ten times fast,” Jayden was saying to Kes, doubled over to catch his breath, “Shakespearean sonnets, Shakespearean sonnets, shapekeriskan smomnets, shakira in a prom dress, asthma and a rhombus…”

Kes started laughing again, which made Lucas laugh, and suddenly all four of them were clutching their lungs, laughing so hard tears fell from their eyes. Maybe the night hadn’t gone exactly how he’d hoped, but at least it ended with him laughing with his best friends, not in the arms of some girl he could never love the way she probably deserved. 

Kes threw his arm around Lucas’ shoulders and the four of them started to stumble their way to the bus stop, moon guiding them overhead. It had been quite the night. 

_ \- now playing: 8teen by khalid - _

**ZONDAG 10:22 - You got home late last night.**

There was no hangover when Lucas awoke, which was always a good sign. He hadn’t drank that much the night before, but he never knew when a decent sized hangover would strike. There wasn’t much reason for him to get out of bed, so he stayed there, light falling in waves across his face from the half closed curtains over his bedroom window.

It was moments like this, in complete solitude, with the sunshine streaming in and the bare white walls of his room fresh and clean, that he didn’t mind being in his home. Most times, though, he hated it here, wished he was anywhere else. Guilt roiled around in his stomach every time he had that thought, but he couldn’t deny it was true. 

Maybe if his dad wasn’t the way he was and his mom wasn’t as absent as she was, things would be different. But they weren’t, so he suffered in silence. 

Sometimes it hurt, physically, to know that his mom was hurting so deeply inside and he couldn’t do anything about it. She was bipolar, but she didn’t have episodes very often anymore and when they did come he knew what to do, so that wasn’t even an issue really, there was more to her absence than that. It was like she stopped wanting to care, or try, but it wasn’t a depressive episode. There came a point earlier that year when she stopped greeting him after school, then stopped talking to him altogether. At first he’d been petrified he’d done something wrong, or that she found out the secret he was hiding, but later he started to think maybe his dad had something to do with it. 

He’d left the two of them during Lucas’ mother’s last manic episode, but he still came around often enough to leave an air of tension over their household at all times. He’d never known how to respond to Lucas’ mother’s episodes, and he wasn’t the most tolerant person in the world, so Lucas wondered if maybe his mother had just heard how useless she was so many times that she’d started to believe it. He himself had heard all sorts of things from his father over the years, but now he was better at blocking them out. 

He opened his phone to find a bunch of messages from his group chat with the boys and rubbed his eyes as he started to read them.

**Kes:** sander, you still have the weed right?

**Sander:** yeah, why?

**Kes:** cops found some at isa’s and she thinks it’s mine x_x

**Jayden:** lmaoo bro 

**Sander:** yikes, well you can tell her it’s not ours for sure

**Kes:** sweet thanks 

**Jayden:** why isn’t luc responding? luuuuuuuc

**Kes:** he’s probably still asleep

**Sander:** it’s half past ten?

**Kes:** not all of us wake up at 5 am for no reason 

**Sander:** i detect shade

**Kes: **you would be: correct

**Sander:** 🖕🏾🖕🏾

**Kes:** :)

**Jayden: **shut up guys i wanna know about lucas and the girl he pulled last night 👀

**Sander:** he didn’t pull a girl, we pulled him away from the cops

**Jayden:** you know what i mean

**Jayden: **are you still talking to her luc?

Lucas didn’t know why he’d expected anything different. He hadn’t been talking to Sofie, but, as he exited out of his texts and moved to Instagram, he did see he had a new dm request. The username was sof_heide, which could really only be one person, but he played dumb and clicked on the user’s profile just to be sure

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48881325816/in/dateposted-friend/)

He groaned, he would deal with her later, but if he put off dealing with his friends, they would just get more persistent. 

**Lucas:** morning

**Jayden:** there he is! 

**Kes: **details…?

**Sander:** ^^

**Lucas:** there’s not much to tell. after you guys left we made out a little bit more and we were gonna go bad to her place, but then the cops showed up and we got separated

**Kes:** sorry dude :/

**Lucas:** it’s not a big deal, she’s not the only girl in the world

**Kes:** too true ;)))

**Lucas:** anyway, i gotta go, my mom needs me. see you losers at school tomorrow 

**Kes:** 😘😘

**Jayden:** i miss you already 😪

**Sander:** you guys are so weird

**Sander:** but i’ll miss you too 🥺🥺🥺🥺

Lucas rolled his eyes and shut off his phone, tossing it onto the opposite side of his bed. Some day. Some day he wouldn’t continually lie to his friends about his life. Today was not that day, but he promised himself it would be soon. 

_ \- now playing: idle town by conan gray - _

By the time Lucas made his way into his kitchen for breakfast, his mom was already sitting there, staring out the window with a cup of coffee in her hand. He poured himself some cereal and sat across from her, shooting her a small smile that she didn’t return. 

“Morning,” he said.

She looked at him, finally. “You got home late last night.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, ducking his head. 

“I’m not mad, I was just stating a fact.”

“Ok.” He didn’t know what else to say. That’s how it always was these days. His mom didn’t seem to want to be his mom anymore, she just existed to acknowledge his existence every once and awhile, make vague comments, and drink her coffee. He knew it wasn’t her disorder talking either, because he’d lived with her almost eighteen years and knew more about her than he knew about anyone else. This detachment, it was new to them both. 

“I saved the new season of Stranger Things,” he said, even though he’d watched it already with Kes ages ago. “We could have a lazy day and watch it together?”

His mother looked him up and down. “Don’t you have homework?”

“It’s the beginning of the year, I don’t have much yet,” Lucas explained. He’d already finished most of it anyway, schoolwork came easily to him. 

She hummed, looking towards the window once again. Lucas followed her gaze, resting on a bird eating out of one of the bird feeders out in their yard. “I have some things to do. You can go ahead and watch by yourself.”

“Ok,” he said softly, turning his attention back to his cereal. It tasted stale and dry, which was fitting. His whole life was stale and dry, and even though he was aware of this, everyday he hoped for something different. It hadn’t happened yet, but he didn’t know when was appropriate to give up hope. Maybe he should have already. 

He and his mother sat the rest of the time he ate in silence, and she didn’t look back at him once, even though he watched her nearly the entire time. Sometimes he wished he could be like Liv or Jayden and just live with a couple roommates instead of dealing with everything going on at home. But he would miss his mother too much, even if she was pretty mentally and emotionally absent as of late. 

There was really no winning, but when had Lucas ever won a decent hand at anything in life.

**MAANDAG 13:17 - Here’s to the culture club!**

_ \- now playing: wild by troye sivan - _

Lucas was eating his lunch, ignoring his friends, which was pretty common as of late. He didn’t want to talk about girls, and he definitely didn’t want to talk about Sofie, so it was better if he just pretended to listen to the point that the three others forgot he was even there.

He let his gaze wander around the room and at snagged on a boy standing at the other end of the room talking to someone. Lucas had never seen him before, was he new? He was… Lucas didn’t have a word other than beautiful. He didn’t look like the kind of person who belonged in high school, he looked like the type of person who belonged on magazine covers and film screens. Lucas found himself smiling as the boy smiled at whoever he was talking to, and wishing he could have been the one to make him smile. 

“Hello!” 

Lucas was jolted out of his daze by Engel standing in front of their table. He saw Kes and Jayden exchange glances, while Sander grinned up at her. “Hello!” he said, with the same amount of enthusiasm. 

Engel smiled wider. “How are you guys? Good Monday?”

“As good as Mondays can get,” Kes offered, looking around her. Lucas was sure he was looking for Isa, not that he’d ever admit it. 

“I have a proposition,” Engel said, still smiling softly in a way that seemed to come naturally to her. Lucas actually liked Engel and the other girls a lot, but he knew that his friends thought Engel could be a bit much sometimes. 

“We’re listening,” Jayden said seriously, and Sander shoved him in the side. 

Engel continued, unperturbed. “We— and by we I mean me, Isa, Liv, and Janna— are starting a culture club! Our experiences in Tallinn were so enriching, and we wanted to create an opportunity for others to experience something like that, so we created the culture club! We’ll do fundraisers throughout the year, and at the end of the year the whole club will go on a trip to the culturally enriching destination of our choosing!”

As far as clubs and ideas went, this wasn’t the worst one he’d ever heard. Honestly, even if it was, Engel probably already knew they would all say yes to her anyway. If they’d been at her sad excuse for a Tallinn fundraiser, they would be there for this too. Plus, getting a vacation out of it was an upside. 

She looked at them eagerly, awaiting their reactions, not even noticing when Isa, Liv, and Janna joined her. Isa was glaring at Kes, which probably meant that she didn’t believe him when he said the weed the cops found wasn’t his. 

“We’ll be there,” Kes said, looking pointedly away from Isa. 

Engel smiled wider, looking at her friends smugly. “Awesome!”

“It starts at 18h. Please try not to be late,” Liv added, looking at Jayden specifically. 

“Anything for you Livvie,” he teased, blowing her a kiss. Liv flipped him off as Isa laughed beside her, placing her head on Liv’s shoulder. Sometimes Lucas wished he was Liv and Ralph’s roommate instead of Jayden. Ok, a lot of times.

“18h,” Isa reminded them, pointing at each of them in turn, “If you’re late we’ll…” She paused, trying to think of some punishment. 

“We’ll guillotine you,” Janna offered.

“We’ll guillotine you!” Isa finished, then looked up at Janna in shock. “Wait, no, what the fuck? Where did that come from?” 

Janna wiggled her eyebrows and the two of them busted out laughing. Engel looked like she both wanted to smack the two of them and join their laughter. 

“Seeing as I’m in the business of avoiding the guillotine, I promise I’ll be there on time,” Sander said, grinning at Isa brightly. Lucas glanced over at Kes to see how he was reacting, but he wasn’t paying attention to Sander. Lucas prayed to god Sander didn’t have a thing for Isa, because he really couldn’t deal with any more Isa and Kes and other people's drama. He had enough to deal with already. 

“Thank you,” Isa said, giving him a nod. 

“I’ll be there on time as well,” Lucas felt the need to add, realizing just then that they were the first words he’d said the entire time they’d been at lunch. No one else seemed to notice though, thankfully. 

“If Luc’s there, I’m there,” Kes said with a grin, fist bumping Lucas over Sander’s head. 

“If all my friends are there, I’m there,” Jayden joked, earning him not a fist bump, but a light shove. 

“Will there be snacks?” Sander called out, but the girls were already walking away, moving onto the next group of people they could invite to join their club. Lucas tried to look for the boy he’d seen earlier, but he was gone. Maybe he’d never been there at all and Lucas’ brain had just been so bored it had conjured up the most beautiful boy he’d ever seen. 

Whatever the case, Lucas tried to tune back into the conversation, pasting a smile on his face and pretending that his mind wasn’t elsewhere.

“Here’s to the culture club!” he heard one of them exclaim, and sighed. Vive la culture club and all that! 

**WOENSDAG 9:39 - I think the word you’re looking for is egotistical.**

He’d really hoped that this year he’d get a biology teacher who knew what a bra was. The last time he’d pointed this out to Kes, Kes had just said that ‘wasn’t very women’s rights of him’, so he hadn’t said anything since. Not that he didn’t support women’s rights, obviously he did, but he didn’t really want to see his fifty something year old teacher’s nipples during science class. 

Physics was one of his favorite classes regardless, he’d always much preferred science to literature or history. Most everything in science was absolute, and he appreciated that. Even if things weren’t absolute, there was always a theory to test, an experiment to try. There were answers, more often than not, answers that didn’t lie in symbolism and bullshit. 

What was a better way to distract from personal things he couldn’t control than to focus on the things he could? He could get good grades if he studied and worked hard enough and he could have fun nights out with friends if he didn’t overthink every invitation. When everything felt out of control he liked to think about the future, about all the things he’d do when he wasn’t the mess of a seventeen year old boy. 

Like being out and proud, going on dates with boys or hooking up with a person he was actually attracted to, not one he thought would impress his friends. He’d tried to hook up with a few guys in secret through Grindr, but he’d always been scared to go all the way with people he knew didn’t actually care about him in the way he craved. Late at night he’d let himself fantasize about finding a boy he liked, who actually liked him back. It went without saying that those fantasies stayed fantasies.

He was so zoned out staring that he didn’t register when Isa sat beside him until she cleared her throat. 

“Hi?” He hated himself for being so awkward around her, especially when she’d gone out of her way to make sure he knew she forgave him. 

“Hello,” she said, adding nothing else. 

He looked around the room. “Not that I’m mad you’re sitting by me or anything, but why?”

She usually sat with Janna at the front of the class, and he usually sat with Jayden. Jayden was a terrible lab partner, but at least he didn’t have to be partnered with someone random. 

“Kes told you about the weed?” she asked without further preamble. Ah, so that’s what this was about. 

“Ies, I swear it wasn’t us—” he began, but she cut him off.

“That’s what Kes said too.”

He sighed. “Well then you should believe us. You can ask Jayden and Sander too.”

She considered him carefully, narrowing her eyes. “I believe you,” she decided. 

“Thank you. Then…?” He gestured, wondering what else she needed. 

“I need you guys to actually show up to Engel’s meeting.”

Lucas smirked at her. “I thought the four of you came up with the idea together?”

Isa laughed, leaning back in her chair. “Please. You know very well that Janna and I were hungover, Liv was distracted by Noah, and we all agreed because none of us were really listening. That doesn’t mean we don’t care or anything though.”

“Of course not,” he agreed, raising one eyebrow, and she shoved his shoulder.

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.” They smiled at each other and it was like everything was back to how it was a year ago. Lucas really had missed hanging out just the two of them. 

“Perfect!” their teacher said, and both of them shot their heads to where she stood in front of them. “Lucas, Isa, you can be partners then.”

Isa looked like she was about to argue, then glanced at where Janna and Jayden were bent over in hysterics over god knew what. “Ok,” she said, which surprised Lucas to the point that he didn’t argue either. 

When the teacher handed out their worksheets, Isa just shrugged and nodded to their friends. “I figure with you I’ll actually get some work done.” 

“You figure correctly,” Lucas confirmed, pulling his worksheet within readable distance. “Oh, this is easy, it’s just on Newton’s laws of motion.” 

“Right…” Isa trailed off, looking at her worksheet like it was a foreign language. Lucas grinned and folded his arms on top of the table. 

“I forgot how shitty at science you are.”

She glared at him. “Shut up! There’s got to be a subject you’re not great at.”

“Nope, I’m perfect.”

“Now _ that’s _ definitely not true. Maybe you need to brush up on your vocabulary, I think the word you’re looking for is _ egotistical _,” she countered, placing her head in one hand and grinning sarcastically at him.

“You’re a menace, Keijser,” he said, mostly because he meant it. She was a menace, but one he would happily endure. 

She scoffed, then looked at him pointedly. “Right back at you, VDH.”

“VDH?” he raised his eyebrows. 

“Van der Heijden takes so much effort,” she complained. 

Now it was his turn to scoff at her. “It’s a pretty standard surname.”

“Doesn’t mean it’s not way too much effort to say out loud.”

He stuck his tongue out at her, and she returned the gesture. They were children, is what they were, but they were still doing better than Jayden and Janna, from the looks of it. Those two were an unlikely pairing, but one that made sense at the same time. The things they’d get up to if they became friends… Lucas didn’t even want to know. 

He turned his attention back to Isa. “I fear we’ve created a monster.”

She tore her gaze from their friends and nodded soberly. “I was thinking the same thing.”

A small grin, the quirk of a lip, and then they were laughing like they used to before it all went to hell. Maybe hell was relative, after all. Lucas hoped so. 

_ \- now playing: maybe by half alive - _

**VRIJDAG 18:00 - You’re new, right?**

_ \- now playing: true affection by the blow - _

The music was turned up loud enough in Lucas’ headphones that he could ignore everything else going on around him, just the way he liked it. He was wondering what the odds were that he was the only one of his friends to show up, but then he figured Kes would probably be there no matter what. Jayden probably would be too, now that him and Janna were best friends or whatever. Isa and Lucas had been very thrown off by this development, even though they were technically responsible for it. 

Lucas walked into the room at on the dot, surprised to see Jayden, Sander, and Kes already seated. He was usually the earliest of them all. At least he wasn’t late, it seemed no one had come yet except for the girls and the boys. Isa gave Lucas a wide grin and a thumbs up when he walked in, and he smiled in return, taking a seat beside Kes.

“Why was Isa so happy to see you? I just got a nod,” Kes complained, leaning back in his chair. 

Lucas shrugged. “I let her copy my physics worksheet earlier this week.”

“Ah, that’ll do it,” Kes agreed, interrupted by the arrival of a few others. Lucas watched them all walk in and silently swore to himself when he saw Sofie accompanied by a few friends. Her eyes lit up when she saw him and she beelined towards the four of them. 

“Hey, Lucas,” she said, smiling shyly. 

He forced a smile of his own. “Hi.”

“Did you, um, see my message?” she asked, biting her lip. Her friends giggled around her and Lucas died a few times internally. 

He decided to play dumb, so thankful he hadn’t accepted or acknowledged her message request. “Um, no?” he furrowed his brows for believability’s sake. 

“On Instagram?” she clarified, smile dimming. 

He shrugged apologetically, sensing his friends eyes on him and knowing exactly what they were thinking. “I’ll check later, my phone’s dead right now,” he promised, and her smile sprang back into place. 

“Great,” she said, “Um, I’ll leave you guys be now, then. Talk to you later.”

As she walked away Lucas finally relented and looked at his flabbergasted friends.

“Dude!” Sander said, blinking in disbelief. “A girl that hot messages you and you don’t ‘see’ it?”

“I didn’t see it!”

Sander rolled his eyes, clearly not believing him. “I don’t get you, man. You nearly go all the way with her the other night and then pretend like you don’t know her a week later? Don’t string her along if you’re not interested, but if you are, _ go for it _.”

“This is literally the second time I’ve talked to her! I’m not stringing her along, I barely even know her,” Lucas argued, voice a hushed but somewhat irritated whisper. 

“I’m just saying.” Sander looked at him pointedly, and Lucas rolled his eyes, facing the front of the room. Once he did so he was stunned in his seat. He blinked a few times to make sure what he was seeing wasn’t a trick. 

It was the boy from the other day, standing in the front of the room talking to Engel. Lucas couldn’t make out what they were saying, but when he smiled that same smile from the cafeteria Lucas nearly combusted on the spot. He was in trouble all right. 

The boy turned then, and Lucas didn’t have time to look away, causing their eyes to meet for a brief second. Maybe it was just him, but he swore a light sparked in the other boy’s eyes. But then he looked away again, returning his attention to Engel before making his way over to the seats and sitting a row behind Lucas and his friends. 

Lucas refused to turn around, even though he wanted to more than anything. He thought of how embarrassing it would be to be caught staring, and kept his eyes forward.

“Welcome to the culture club, everybody!” Engel said, and Lucas focused closely on her words to keep his mind off the boy behind him. 

“I’m Engel,” she continued, “And this is Liv, Isa, and Janna. We started this club because we all went to Tallinn at the end of last school year, and the experience was so enriching for all of us that we wanted to share the opportunity to do something like that again with others! Um, we’ll be putting together fundraisers throughout the year to save up for our new trip, and every week we can focus on a different culture to learn about and make food from that culture…” Engel’s voice was a bit shaky, and she looked at Liv gratefully when she put a hand on her shoulder. Lucas wondered how many times she would say ‘enriching’ over the course of the meeting. 

Jayden raised his hand, and Engel nodded to him with a smile. “Where are we going for our ‘cultural trip’?” 

“Oh… um, that’s a good question!” Engel laughed nervously, and Liv took over. 

“We’ll vote on it at our last meeting before the holidays, that way we have enough time to consider our options and enough time to plan all the details,” she explained. 

Engel nodded gratefully. “Exactly! Since this is our first meeting, I figured we’d separate into small groups and exchange stories of what cultures we come from, and then we can share as a group!”

Lucas discreetly checked the time on his phone. Not that he had anywhere to be, but he did want to get home and make dinner for himself and his mother, just in case she forgot to eat again. He should call her just to make sure she knew why he was going to be home late. By the time he looked back up, Kes, Jayden, and Sander were already in the middle of a conversation. About girls, not culture, but whatever. 

“Hey, I need to call my mom really quick, so I’m going to dip out for a second,” Lucas said to Kes, standing from his chair. Thankfully Engel wasn’t paying attention, and at Kes’ nod Lucas was able to slip out of the room undetected. 

He went to the bathroom for privacy and typed in his mom’s number, pacing around while he waited for her to pick up. The phone rang, and rang, and rang, and Lucas was finally forced to give up, swearing and tossing his phone to the ground, probably not the best idea. He was so caught up in his frustration that he didn’t realize someone else had entered until they spoke. 

“You look like you could use a joint.” Lucas scooped up his phone (thankfully unbroken), face red with embarrassment. Then he looked at the intruder and blushed further. It was _ him _.

“Sorry, I was just— it doesn’t matter,” Lucas tried to explain, rubbing the back of his neck. 

The boy smiled, not the same way he had earlier, this one was a subtle uptick of the corner of his mouth, and pulled a joint from behind his ear, holding it up to Lucas. “Is that a yes, then?”

Lucas found himself smiling as well in the same sort of half serious half teasing manner. “Do you do this often? Go around handing out joints to strangers?”

“‘You see I usually find myself among strangers because I drift here and there trying to forget the sad things that happened to me,’” the boy said, raising one eyebrow. 

“Um…” How did he respond to that. 

The boy sensed his discomfort and laughed, lighting up the joint right there in the bathroom. “It’s F. Scott Fitzgerald. _ The Great Gatsby _?”

“Oh, yeah.” Lucas had read that one a little while ago, but he definitely didn’t remember it well enough to quote it. “Thought I recognized it.”

“Liar, you did not.”

Apparently he wasn’t as good at bullshitting as he thought. “I _ have _read it,” he promised.

“You should read it again,” the boy suggested, passing the joint after taking a long drag. 

As Lucas raised it to his lips he found it impossible not to stare at the boy’s lips, blushing as he realized this. It wasn’t his fault that this boy had an ethereal look about him, like he came from another world entirely. Lucas wondered if the world he’d come from was better than this one. “I’ve never seen the point in rereading things,” he admitted, and the boy snatched the joint back so fast Lucas didn’t have time to react.

“Your weed privileges have been revoked,” he said with a scandalized expression. 

“Oh, they have, have they?”

“How else are you supposed to truly comprehend a piece of literature, take in all the nuances and details you missed the first time, appreciate the work fully if you only read it once?” the boy gesticulated wildly with his hands as he spoke, looking like Kes when he was on one of his political tirades. 

Lucas thought about it a moment, then shrugged. “I guess I’ve never thought about it like that.”

“Same goes for films,” the boy continued, pointing at Lucas with the joint before taking a quick drag. “If you watch them once how will you understand it to its complete potential? You’re too busy taking in the plot to see the cinematography and how it interacts with the soundstage, or how the actors move about the space, what kind of world has been crafted so masterfully for your entertainment.”

“Because I definitely watch the _ Fast and the Furious _ for the stellar cinematography,” Lucas joked, reaching for the joint only to have it pulled out of reach once again. 

“Tell me you did not just say that.”

Lucas shrugged like, _ so what if I did? _ “Are you pro or anti _ Fast and the Furious _?”

The boy considered this. “While I can understand the cultural impact of the franchise,” he began, “I just really don’t think it’s something to use as an example when talking about masterful cinema.”

“Do you always speak this eloquently?” Lucas wondered aloud, earning him a raised eyebrow and weed privileges. 

“It’s the writer in me, I suppose,” the boy answered, accompanied by a shrug. 

“Writer, huh?”

Another shrug. “Maybe.”

There was a beat of silence where the two of them just looked at one another. It was comfortable, was silence supposed to feel this comfortable with someone you’ve only just met? “You’re new, right?” Lucas asked when he worked up the nerve to break the silence. 

The boy nodded. “What gave it away?”

“The fact that I’ve gone to school with everyone else here for years and I’ve never seen you before.” It was partly a lie, but he couldn’t very well say he’d seen him Monday and hadn’t stopped thinking about him since. 

The boy laughed, resting his hands back on the counter. “That’ll do it. Yes, I’m new. I transferred here for my final year.”

Lucas nodded, not saying what he was thinking. It was odd that he’d transfer in his final year, but not unheard of, Lucas supposed. “Well, I’m glad you’re here,” he said before he could stop himself. 

“Oh, yeah?” the boy grinned that beautifully bright grin, and Lucas found himself nodding again.

“Yeah.”

The door banged open and Liv walked in, looking back and forth between the two of them in surprise. 

“Liv?” She looked at him. “You know this is the men’s bathroom?”

She crossed her arms, looking at him pointedly. “You know you’re not allowed to smoke on school grounds?”

“Sorry, that was my fault,” the boy cut in, extinguishing what was left of the joint and smiling at her apologetically. Liv narrowed her eyes at him, but accepted his apology with a shrug.

“You’re just lucky _ I _ found you, not Engel,” she said, and Lucas cracked a smile, silently agreeing with her. Her face turned apprehensive. “The meeting wasn’t horrible, right?”

“Not at all. It was great,” Lucas lied. In truth, he hadn’t spent much time at the actual meeting, though it had run a bit boring while he was there. 

The boy nodded along with him. “Such a good idea,” he added. 

Liv turned her attention back to him and placed a hand to her temple, shutting her eyes and grimacing. “I’m so sorry, I haven’t properly introduced myself. I’m Liv.”

She held out her hand and the boy took it, smiling sincerely. “Kaz,” he responded, eyes meeting Lucas’ for a brief moment as if he was speaking directly to him. Kaz. It fit him perfectly, a name that seemed a bit harsh and cacophonic on the outside, but was really quite beautiful at the same time. 

“Well, it’s great to meet you Kaz. I’ll see you around? Preferably at the next meeting?” she asked hopefully, and Kaz laughed. 

“I’ll be there,” he promised, looking at Lucas. 

“I’ll be there too,” Lucas found himself saying, ignoring Liv completely. 

Kaz. Lucas really wanted to know him, and he got the feeling that Kaz wanted to know him too. 

_ \- now playing: boys by charli xcx -_

**\+ meet kaz**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48881511192/in/dateposted-friend/)


	2. week two: need a lift?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for all the love on chapter 1 !! hope u like this chapter, week 2 is one of my favorites in og/other remakes so i hope i did it justice <33

**ZATERDAG 13:27 - That’s a match made in hell**

_ \- now playing: imagination by foster the people - _

If Lucas killed Jayden, it was a blameless crime, mostly because Jayden was being very annoying and it would be deemed a public service. They were playing video games at his place, and he kept intentionally sabotaging Lucas because he and Kes were on the same team and Lucas wasn’t. Ralph was supposed to be on Lucas’ team because Sander hadn’t been able to make it, but he’d ditched them to hang out with Esra instead. 

Lucas rolled his eyes as he lost for the fourth time in a row, placing the controller on the seat beside him. Kes leaned his head back from where he was sitting on the floor below Jayden and Lucas, grinning broadly. “Sore loser?” he asked, and Lucas flipped him off. 

“It’s hard to win when you’re a one person team,” he said as if he wouldn’t have lost regardless. “You guys play the next round, I need a break.” 

Kes lifted his head back into an upright position, clicking his controller to play a new round. “Whatever you say, dude.”

Immediately, Kes and Jayden got back into the game, cursing each other out and trying to shove the controllers out of each other’s hands. Lucas sank back into the couch cushions pulling out his phone and going to Instagram. Sofie’s message still sat in his requests, unanswered. He figured he wouldn’t be able to get away with another excuse, so he finally accepted it.

**sof_heide:** Hi Lucas! This is Sofie from the party :) I hope it’s not weird I found you on here, but I had a good time and I’d love to get to know you better! xx

Yeah, he really didn’t want to deal with that right now, but she’d be able to see that he’d read her message, so he had to say _ something _. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** hey sofie, it’s not weird don’t worry. sorry i didn’t see your message earlier, i’m not on instagram much :/ it was cool to see you at the culture club yesterday 

He sent his message before he could overthink it, wonder if he seemed too interested or not interested enough. Whatever, it seemed like she’d still be interested no matter what he did. He couldn’t decide yet if that was a good or bad thing. 

Going to the explore page, he typed ‘kaz’ into the search bar, not knowing if he’d find anything, but it seemed unlikely that he wouldn’t have an Instagram account in this day and age. There were a lot of Kaz’s on Instagram, something he should have anticipated, and he scrolled through them to try to find the one he was looking for. He probably should have asked for Kaz’s last name, but then again he didn’t even think he’d told Kaz _ his _ name. 

Seven unsuccessful Kaz accounts later, Lucas tried to tune back into the conversation his friends were having, figuring he’d continue his search when he got back home. God knew he had nothing else to do when he was home. 

“…yeah, so that’s what I’m thinking, I guess,” Jayden was saying, and Kes was looking at him with raised eyebrows. 

“Yeah?” Kes confirmed, and Jayden shrugged. “Who’s moving in here then?”

Lucas furrowed his brows, wondering what they were talking about. Was Liv moving out or something? Jayden shrugged again. “I don’t know,” he said, “I haven’t even told Liv and Ralph yet.”

Wait, was _ Jayden _ moving out? He should really have been paying more attention. 

Kes laughed, but it was more like a sigh, pushing air from his mouth. “You and Sander… that’s a match made in hell.”

“Shut up, like you and Lucas wouldn’t so the same thing?” Jayden shoved Kes, smirking challengingly. Lucas was still squinting, trying to put the pieces together, when Kes patted him on the knee. 

“Lucas and I would be wonderful roommates, but I love my family too much,” he grinned. 

Lucas forced a smile, accepting Kes’ fist bump. He and Kes probably would be great roommates, given the amount of time Lucas had spent practically living at his place over the years. 

“Why does Sander want to move out anyhow?” Lucas asked, hoping the question hadn’t already been voiced. 

“Same reason I did, I guess. I know he also had a fight with his parents about something, but I don’t know the details,” Jayden answered, “Not that I’m complaining. Now we’ll always have somewhere to hang out without having to worry about Ralph hooking up with dudes all the time.”

Lucas averted his gaze, feeling a prickle of discomfort send a wave of heat throughout his body. Jayden probably wasn’t being homophobic, he was just expressing annoyance at Ralph’s habitual one night stands, right? Either way, it still made Lucas’ stomach roll over itself uncomfortably.

“Speaking of hooking up, how’s it going with Sofie, Luc?” Jayden asked wiggling his eyebrows. 

Lucas schooled his face into indifference. “I’ve been messaging her a little bit.” Technically, it wasn’t a lie. 

“Oh? Do you actually see something with her?” Kes asked, probably because as long as they’d known each other Lucas had never actually dated anyone. 

Lucas shrugged noncommittally. “Like I said, I’ve just messaged her a couple times and seen her twice in person.”

Kes raised his hands in surrender. “Alright, dude, but if you’re into her, go for it. You could use a little love in your life.” Kes spoke with a goofy, teasing smile, not knowing how true his words actually were. Everyone that was supposed to love Lucas didn’t anymore, or they never had. 

He looked away, not meeting Kes’ eyes and picking up his controller. “You guys ready to play again? I feel a win coming my way,” he said, feigning confidence. If Kes noticed he’d changed the subject abruptly, he thankfully didn’t say anything about it. 

“In your dreams Van der Heijden,” Jayden said, pressing play and focusing intently on the screen. Lucas looked at him and Kes a moment, smiling to himself. No matter what else he was dealing with, he really was glad to have them as his friends. 

_ \- now playing: paracetamol by declan mckenna - _

**ZONDAG 10:13 - No pressure **

Lucas sat alone in the kitchen of Liv, Jayden, and Ralph’s flat, coffee in hand. He and Kes had stayed over the night before but Kes had already left and Jayden went to meet Sander to discuss their new place, telling Lucas to stay as long as he wanted. Normally Lucas wouldn’t infringe on anyone’s hospitality, but Liv was at Isa’s and Ralph was still asleep, so he let himself breathe a moment longer.

As if his moment of peace had informed the universe that for one brief moment, things were going all right for Lucas Van der Heijden, Ralph chose that moment to stumble into the kitchen, looking at Lucas in surprise.

“Did we have plans?” Ralph asked, thankfully clothed. 

Lucas shook his head, setting his coffee down. “No, sorry. I slept over with Kes last night, Jayden said I could stay but I really should head home—”

“Lucas, don’t worry about it,” Ralph cut him off, opening the fridge. He looked around before pulling out shredded cheese. He smiled at Lucas, scrunching up his nose, then patted him on the head. “Besides, I enjoy your company much more than Jayden’s. But don’t tell him I said that.”

Lucas mimed zipping his lips, relieved he didn’t have to leave after all. Ralph sat down across from him and began eating the shredded cheese by the handful. Lucas narrowed his eyes, wondering if he should even ask. “Did you want me to make you something to eat?” Lucas offered, figuring this was the best way to say what the fuck without actually saying what the fuck. 

Ralph saw right through him. “Have you never just eaten cheese because life is too short not to?”

“I mean, I guess I have,” Lucas responded, dumbstruck. He’d really never thought he’d have to take an introspective look into his cheese eating habits, but there they were. “I don’t usually put that much thought into it though.”

Ralph merely winked at him and ate another handful of cheese. Lucas looked down into his coffee mug to hide his small smile. 

“So,” Ralph said after a moment, “I need your input on something.”

Lucas lifted his head, raising his eyebrows. He didn’t know what kind of input he was possibly qualified to give, especially to Ralph. “Ok?” 

Ralph scooted his chair over to Lucas’ side of the table, pulling his phone out. “I have three new tinder matches, and I need you to help me choose which one to go out with,” he explained. 

Lucas shifted uncomfortably in his chair. This wasn’t the first time he’d looked at Ralph’s tinder with him, but usually there were other people around. This seemed different, almost like Ralph knew something about him no one else did. 

“Um, ok,” Lucas said hoarsely, trying for a smile. Ralph hummed excitedly and pulled up the profiles one by one and Lucas wondered if maybe he would be able to find Kaz on tinder, but then put the thought out of his mind. There was no way he’d be able to find who he was looking for on there without accidentally being found himself. He’d already risked his anonymity with grindr, but thankfully that worked out fairly well so far.

“I don’t know,” Lucas shrugged, after looking at all three guys multiple times. They were all attractive, but he hadn’t expected any less from Ralph. 

“Come on, Lucas, you don’t have to be gay to help me out. Jayden helps me out all the time,” Ralph pleaded, showing him the pictures for a fifth time. 

“He does?”

Ralph squinted, tilting his head to the side. “Well, no, but Noah and Liv do. And Esra.”

“_ Ralph _.” Lucas shook his head in exasperation, but it was a fond sort of exasperation. He wondered what his life would have been like if he was in Liv’s position, and had known Ralph well enough to move in with him and have a sibling like bond. Maybe he would be more comfortable with himself, maybe he would be someone else entirely.

“Speak of the devil…” Ralph trailed off, looking over Lucas’ head. Lucas turned as well, expecting to see Jayden, but seeing Noah instead. 

Noah nodded at them as he walked into the kitchen, looking a little confused by Lucas’ presence and Liv’s absence, but accepting it without comment. 

“She’s at Isa’s,” Ralph supplied helpfully, and Noah just nodded again.

“I know, she told me to meet her here,” he said, pouring himself a cup of coffee. His nails were painted a light silvery blue that changed color depending on what angle you looked at it at, and Lucas couldn’t help but feel an ache in his chest. Sure, he’d never been hypermasculine, but he’d always strayed away from that sort of thing just in case anyone thought he was gay. 

When Lucas brought his attention back to Noah’s eyes, he was surprised to see that Noah was already watching him, scrutinizing him. “Your hair’s longer now than the last time I saw you.”

Lucas didn’t know how he was supposed to respond to that. It was true, obviously, but he didn’t know whether Noah meant it as an observation or backhanded compliment of sorts. 

“It suits you,” he continued thoughtfully, taking a sip of his coffee and grimacing. 

An actual compliment then, it seemed. Lucas never had a crush on Noah, too transfixed on Kes, but he could see the appeal. His phone buzzed on the table, snapping his attention away from Noah. It was his mom. He swore and stood up from the table, answering the phone as he walked into the other room. 

“Hello?” he answered, worry lacing his voice. 

“Lucas.” Her voice was soft and he wondered if she’d even meant to call at all. 

“Is everything alright?” he asked.

She took a moment to respond, and he pictured her staring out the window. “I just wanted to know if you’re ever coming home.”

“Of course I am.” He forced a laugh. “I told you I was sleeping over at Jayden’s place?”

“Oh. Right, you did.”

Lucas cast a glance back at the kitchen, hushing his voice slightly. “Are you ok? Should I call Dr. Visser—?”

“Don’t condescend to me, Lucas,” she interrupted harshly, and his heartbeat picked up pace. 

“I— I’m sorry, that’s not what I was trying to do. I just wanted to make sure everything was all right,” he amended. 

He heard her take a deep breath and he wondered if she was smoking. She did on occasion, even though she wasn’t supposed to and she knew his dad hated it. “It’s ok, I just— I’m your mother, you shouldn’t have to parent me.”

“That’s not what I was trying to do.”

“I know.” Another deep breath. “I’ll keep the door unlocked for you, but be home soon please. You probably have homework to get done before the week.”

Lucas closed his eyes gently, leaning his head back against the wall. “Ok, mama, thank you. I’ll see you soon.” He paused, biting his lip. “I love you,” he added, almost as an afterthought, but the beeping on the other end of the line told him the call had already been disconnected. He blinked his eyes slowly, taking a shuddering breath before forcing a look of nonchalance and reentering the kitchen.

“Thanks for letting me stay for a while, Ralph, but I should get home,” he said with a smile that he hoped looked genuine. Ralph and Noah were suspiciously quiet, but Lucas chose to ignore it. “Go with guy number two,” he added, earning a soft smile. 

“You’re welcome here anytime, Lucas,” Ralph said, eyes telling Lucas that he knew too much. Lucas merely nodded, escaping as fast as he could.

When he got to the door, he felt a hand on his arm and turned to find Noah, looking a bit apprehensive. “I know we don’t know each other well,” Noah began, “But if you ever need anything you can call me.”

Lucas smiled tightly. “Thanks.”

Noah didn’t give up so easily. “I mean it. I’ve had my fair share of… family issues… so if you’re ever dealing with something you don’t think anyone will understand, maybe I will.”

“Noah…”

“No pressure.” Noah lifted his hands up, shaking his head slightly. “You don’t have to share anything with me if you don’t want to, but if you do, you know how to find me.”

“Thanks,” Lucas said, but this time he actually meant it, trying to convey that to Noah through his eyes. 

Noah nodded, smiling with the corner of his mouth. “Of course.”

With that, Lucas opened the door and left, finding himself wishing he could have stayed. 

**MAANDAG 8:31 - I am into her!**

It was too fucking early, way too fucking early. Lucas had barely gotten any sleep the night before, tossing and turning trying to decide if he should call Dr. Visser or not behind his mother’s back. When he’d gotten home she had barely acknowledged his existence, as was usual these days, but he couldn’t fight the feeling that something else was different. He didn’t know if it was an episode or not, but he wanted to be ready if it was, if his mom needed him.

Thankfully Ralph hadn’t said anything to Jayden about the day before, so when Lucas lied and said he made some coffee then left before anyone came home or woke up, Jayden believed him. 

He and Sander were going on and on about their new place and how cool it was going to be, and Kes indulged them, asking for details whenever they stopped to take a breath, but Lucas only listened enough that he wouldn’t get caught off guard by the conversation again.

But then, he looked away from his friends for a moment, and all hope of remaining tuned in to the conversation were lost.

_ \- now playing: bite by troye sivan - _

Kaz was walking across the schoolyard, holding nothing but a paperback book the title of which Lucas couldn’t distinguish at that distance. Lucas was transfixed, felt like Kaz was walking in slow motion or something like this was a scene out of a movie. The sun kissed his face, bathing it in golden light and Lucas swore he could see all of his freckles. 

He was aware he was staring, but he wasn’t really _ aware _ until Kaz’s eyes found his and neither one of them looked away. Lucas wondered if Kaz was feeling the same heart stopping feeling that he was. A small smirk graced the corner of Kaz’s mouth and his eyes continued to search Lucas’ face, even as a new figure invaded Lucas’ field of vision, snapping him out of whatever daze he’d been in.

“Hi, Lucas!” It was Sofie, how ironic. 

He smiled in response, glancing back over to where Kaz was now leaning against the wall reading whatever book he’d had with him. 

“Um, I was wondering, well, my friends and I were wondering…” she trailed off, ducking her head, blinking her eyes in a nervous flutter, “We’re hosting a party this Friday, and I was wondering if you’d like to come?”

She looked at Kes, Jayden, and Sander as if just noticing their presence. “You can bring your friends, of course!”

Lucas smiled apologetically. “I’m really sorry but—”

“Nothing to be sorry for, we’re there,” Sander cut in, giving Lucas a pointed stare. 

Sofie blinked, looking from Sander to Sofie. “It’s no big deal if you can’t make it…”

“No worries, we can make it. All of us.” Sander draped an arm around Lucas’ shoulders. “Right?”

“Right,” Lucas found himself saying, unable to force any sort of enthusiasm into his words. 

Sander rolled his eyes. “Don’t mind him, he’s worried about a test he has later.”

“Oh,” Sofie sighed in apparent relief, “Well, good luck!”

“Thanks,” Lucas said, trying to make his voice sound warmer. Sofie didn’t deserve to be treated like shit just because he really didn’t want to go to her party. He was sure she was a really nice person, even though he didn’t care enough to find out. 

“I’ll message you the details later this week, yeah?” she confirmed, vibrant and lively once again. 

He nodded. “Sure.”

“Great! Um, I’ll see you later then.” She waved somewhat shyly before walking away, a small bounce in her step. Once she was out of earshot, Sander removed his arm, smacking Lucas on the side of the head. 

“What the fuck?” he asked, and Lucas sighed, preparing an excuse. 

“I’m sorry I just—” he began, but Sander shook his head.

“Don’t bullshit me. If you’re not into her, just say so. Don’t string her along, dude, because she’s clearly into you.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Why did you accept her invitation if you think I’m not into her?”

Sander laughed, shrugging. “You don’t have to come with, but I want to go to her party. Or maybe you _should_ come with so you can tell her you’re not into her in person.”  
“I am into her!” Lucas argued. “I just have a lot going on at the moment.”

“Like what?” It was Kes who asked, frowning. Lucas felt guilty immediately. Technically, he did have a lot going on, and most of it hadn’t been shared with Kes, who he was used to sharing everything with. He just felt that Kes must have been getting tired of his constant dumping of family issues, so he dialed it back, determined only to bring it up if it became a major issue.

He bit the inside of his cheek. “Just family stuff, you know,” he said softly, hoping Kes would accept it without argument. The look on Kes’ face said he wasn’t going to let it go forever, but he would now, so Lucas let out a small sigh of relief.

The slightly tense moment was broken when Jayden brought up some story of something that had happened in one of his classes last week, and the four of them were laughing again like the best of friends. Which is what they were, wasn’t it?

**DINSDAG 10:30 - No rush**

Lucas felt that what he was doing was slightly creepy, but at the same time he was desperate. He just had to wait until Engel was alone, then he’d go talk to her. God, he sounded so creepy, even to himself. 

Janna left first, talking into her phone as she went, and thankfully Isa and Liv left soon after, en route to the bathroom. Engel busied herself with her phone and Lucas took his opportunity, walking up to her with a smile. 

“Hey, Engel,” he said, and she looked up at him in confusion. 

“Hi?”

He shifted from foot to foot awkwardly. “I, um, was wondering if you had a list of the people who joined the culture club?”

At the mention of the culture club, her confusion faded away and she perked up to her usual bubbly self. “Of course!” She hesitated. “Wait, why?”

He hadn’t thought that far into it, unfortunately. “I, um,” he began, floundering, “I was talking to this one guy about an idea we had for the club, but I forgot his last name so I couldn’t find his contact to discuss it more with him.” Not the worst excuse he could have thought up. 

“Oh that’s great! I don’t have people’s contact information, though, just names,” she said apologetically, but he shook his head. 

“That’s fine, I’m sure I can find him on Instagram or something,” he said.

She sighed in relief. “Just give me a second, I’m sure I have the list here somewhere.”

“No rush.” He put his hands into his pockets, looking around the room idly. He was half expecting Kaz to show up out of nowhere and see what a creep he was being, but thankfully he didn’t. 

“You’re dating that girl Sofie, right?” Engel asked casually as she searched through one of her notebooks. “She was at the meeting as well.”

“I wouldn’t say dating…” he began, but she let out a soft exclamation before he could attempt to explain. 

“Ah! Found it! Who were you looking for?”

“Um, his name was Kaz I think,” he said, like it wasn’t the only name he’d been thinking about for days. 

She scanned the list in her hands, frown increasing as her eyes went down the page until she landed on a name near the bottom. “There it is! Kaz Janssen. That’s funny actually, he asked to see the list as well.”

“He did?” Lucas’ heart pounded harder against his will. 

“Yeah, he’s new here, so he wanted to try to get to know people in the club better,” she said, “Unless he was trying to flirt with me?”

Jealousy coiled in Lucas’ stomach before he could stop it. “Oh?”

“He’s hot, right?” she asked, but it seemed like she was genuinely asking for his input, as if she couldn’t decide. 

He shrugged. “You’re asking the wrong person.”

“Oh. Yeah.” She frowned again, a little crease forming between her eyebrows. Then she shook her head, brushing away whatever had crossed her mind. “Well, there you are! And thanks so much for your dedication to the culture club!”

“Of course,” he said with a genuine smile, starting to back away. “And thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, returning his smile and giving him a small wave goodbye. He waved back and turned around, biting his lip to keep his smile from getting too big. Kaz Janssen. It was a beautiful name, it really was. 

Lucas got to his class early after that, opening up his phone to Instagram and being immediately accosted by a new photo of Sofie. It was like the universe was laughing at him.

He liked it, because he felt like he should, but then he went to type the Kaz’s name into the Instagram search bar, sadly only yielding results that didn’t match the boy he was so enamoured with. Maybe his name was something else on Instagram? Lucas still found it hard to believe that he didn’t have an account. 

Fully aware that his stalking was going to a new level, he simply typed Kaz’s name into the search bar on google, hesitating briefly before pressing enter. But then he thought fuck it, he could just delete his search history later just in case, and pushed the button. 

Unsurprisingly, a lot of results came up and he sifted through them, growing increasingly discouraged with each link he clicked on that had no relation to the Kaz he was looking for. He was about to give up when he reached the link to a blog near the bottom of the page titled The Green Light. It could have been a reference to Lorde’s song, sure, but the quote Kaz had said to Lucas stuck out in his mind, drawing him to believe that this green light referred to the other, more popular one in The Great Gatsby. 

When Lucas clicked on it, the whole page looked like a classic novel, if that was even possible. Everything from the color scheme to the font to the photos on the home page drew Lucas in and reminded him of Kaz, even though they’d only met once. Just looking at the page, Lucas felt like he could tell so much about Kaz. For one thing, he was clearly very artistic. There was a whole gallery of photographs on one of the tabs that Lucas was guessing he took, as well as various series of digitally altered photographs. There were a couple videos, which was how Lucas knew this was definitely the Kaz he was looking for, but he didn’t watch them because he didn’t have headphones at the moment. 

There was only a few more tabs he hadn’t looked at, titled _ music, words, inspiration _ and _ me _ . Lucas’ thumb hovered over the _ me _ tab, about to click on it when Isa plopped down beside him, looking down to his phone in interest. He quickly shut it off and slipped it into his pocket. 

She eyed him suspiciously. “What were you looking at?” 

“Nothing interesting,” he said with a shrug, feeling the heat rise to his cheeks all the same. 

“Hmmm,” she hummed, leaning in closer to him. “It was porn, wasn’t it?”

“What the fuck? No! You think I’d stream porn on the school wifi?” 

She looked at him like, _ yes? Obviously? _

He scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Do you stream porn on the school wifi?”

“Dude. Are you serious? Of course I do,” she laughed, wiggling her eyebrows at him. He scrunched up his nose and looked away. 

“I really don’t know why I’m surprised,” he deadpanned, staring her down until he could feel the inkling of a smile working its way across his face.

She smacked his arm harder than necessary and he frowned at her, smacking her back. “Careful there or you won’t be able to copy my homework anymore.”

Isa retracted her hand immediately, putting a cheesy fake smile on her face. “Careful about what?”

He snorted and rolled his eyes, bumping her shoulder with his until they both melted into hysterics. Their teacher, braless once again, snapped her eyes to the two of them harshly. 

“Do I need to break you two up?” she demanded, and Lucas and Isa shook their heads innocently, ignoring the looks they were getting from Jayden and Janna. Their teacher looked them up and down once frowning. “Just try to keep it down, please?”

“Yes, ma’am,” they answered, nodding still. She didn’t look entirely convinced of their innocence, but Lucas had to admit the two of them were a pretty good duo in regards to looking the part. Sure, they’d both done some pretty shitty things in their lives, but you’d never know it just by looking at them. They were the type of people everyone always said were “so cute!” and precious cinnamon rolls or whatever. Lucas and Kes had never laughed harder than the time they’d been at a party and a girl had called him a cinnamon roll to his face.

“You’re a menace, Keijser,” he whispered, because it was still accurate. He made a silent promise to himself to remind her every day from here on out. 

Instead of arguing, Isa simply winked at him and said, “Thank you.”

**WOENSDAG 1:02 - A tragic love story**

At this point, Lucas was tired enough that he wasn’t even going to try arguing with himself about whether or not he should take another look at Kaz’s blog. He was proud of himself for holding out for so long, but now it was late and he couldn’t sleep and his computer was right there and Kaz was once again on his mind.

Kaz was always on his mind, that much was becoming alarmingly clear. 

Pulling up the blog on his computer, he was drawn in even more than before if possible, relishing in every little detail that Kaz clearly put a lot of time and energy into. He hovered over the _ me _ tab again, unsure why he was hesitating. It was just that he wasn’t sure what that tab might contain. He wanted to know Kaz, but he didn’t want to know Kaz like this. He wanted Kaz to tell him all the things that might be stored away in his me tab, not to sit here like a stalker reading them himself.

Instead, he went back to videos and clicked on the first one. In it, Kaz was sitting in front of a wall filled with color coded art, like a rainbow. It was really interesting to look at, so interesting that Lucas briefly forgot to pay attention to Kaz.

Kaz laughed into the camera, face full of light, and Lucas wondered if someone had been there with him or if that’s just what he was like all the time. Once his laughter subsided, Kaz spoke directly to the camera. “I don’t do videos like this often, I prefer to be behind the camera, not in front of it, but it’s my civic duty to inform you of all the reasons why _ The Great Gatsby _ is not only the best novel of all time, but also the best film by Baz Luhrmann.”

Lucas smiled at the passion with which he spoke, feeling like they were in the same room together, not on opposite ends of a screen.

Kaz continued speaking, “You’re probably thinking, _ this guy is an idiot, _ Moulin Rouge _ is right there _ , but trust me, _ The Great Gatsby _ is the superior film. Does _ Moulin Rouge _ have Spiderman in it? No, checkmate. Now, I know I’m not in America, and I’ve never been to America, so all the symbolism about the American dream and whatnot doesn’t really matter to me, which I think makes the book that much better. I mean, no shade to America, but they think everything is about them. Maybe Fitzgerald did write this masterpiece to be analyzed the way it has been over time, but I still believe that, at its core, _ The Great Gatsby _ is a tragic love story. And those are the best kinds of love stories, because those are the love stories we remember. Now moving on to the film—”

Lucas paused the video, searching up the movie in a new tab. He’d never actually seen it, though he vaguely remembered when it came out. There was also something to be said for Leonardo DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby. On an impulse, he bought the movie to stream, unsure why he didn’t just rent it, but also too far in now to go back. 

_ \- now playing: young and beautiful by lana del rey - _

The film was gorgeous. Granted, Lucas had never seen any other Baz Luhrmann films, but if they all looked like this he wanted to watch them all immediately. He’d never really been one to appreciate cinema the way it was meant to be appreciated, but this movie was changing his mind. A part of him wanted to watch it with Ralph, knowing he’d love the decadence and the styling. Lucas wasn’t much of a fashion guru, so to speak, but if it weren’t for historical oppression, he’d go back to the twenties right that minute. 

It had been a long while since he’d read the book, so there was a lot he didn’t remember about the plot, and he kept wondering what was so tragic about it, like Kaz had said. He vaguely remembered something significant happening at the end, but he wasn’t sure what it was, so he watched the movie on the edge of his seat. 

Then, a second before it all happened, he started to recall, and with that recollection came tears slipping down his face. The last few minutes of the movie were spent in a teary silence, and Lucas was afraid to breathe lest he let out a sob and awaken his mother. Tragic love story indeed.

He understood what Kaz meant, about why it was so great, the movie as a whole. He wasn’t entirely sold on Daisy and Gatsby’s relationship, though, because in the end Daisy was the reason Gatsby died and she wasn’t even decent enough to call him. Nick and Gatsby should have gotten together, they looked like they had quite a bit of chemistry. Jordan was obviously a lesbian, and Nick was obviously gay, or maybe it was only obvious to him for apparent reasons. 

It was well past three in the morning, Lucas realized, seeing the battery bar on his laptop was nearly completely drained. It was so tempting to watch the movie again, or to finish watching Kaz’s video, but he held off, shutting his computer and plugging it in before his want could get the best of him. 

As he shut off the light he saw mansions and champagne and silk shirts in his mind, smiling at the thought that the twenties were actually closer than he thought, and maybe these ones would be better than those Gatsby, Nick, and Daisy had lived in. Maybe the love stories wouldn’t have to be so tragic anymore.

**VRIJDAG 15:48 - You’re not Timotheé Chalamet?**

The boys were still texting Lucas, even though he’d only left them a moment ago. They kept reminding him over and over to text Sofie and check in about the address to her party that night, and he really didn’t want to, but he would, if only for them. He paused a few feet away from the bus stop to type so he wouldn’t accidentally wander into oncoming traffic as he was distracted. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** hey, sofie, is the party still on for tonight?

Her answer was immediate, much to his annoyance.

**sof_heide:** Lucas! I’m so sorry, I totally meant to text you earlier! Yes, the party is still on and it’s going to start around 21h!

**sof_heide:** I’ll send you the address in a bit if that’s ok? My mom won’t let me go out if I don’t do my chores haha

**vanderheijden.lucas:** no worries! just let me know whenever 

**sof_heide:** Will do! Can’t wait to see you!

**vanderheijden.lucas:** Me too :) 

He closed his phone after the final message, cringing inside his head so many times he thought he might go blind from it. Why had he added a smiley face? He cringed one more time for good measure, then walked the last few steps to wait for the bus only to catch the tail end of it pulling away.

“Shit!” he hissed to himself, taking a few steps towards it as if that would make it slow down or turn around. The next bus wasn’t going to be there for an hour, and he really didn’t want to wait around that long. 

Dejected, he sat down on the bench, putting his head in his hands. He wasn’t sure how long passed until there was a small screech and he popped his head up, wondering if the bus had come early. But no— it wasn’t the bus, it was someone on a motorcycle who’d decided to stop in front of him for some reason. He prayed it wasn’t a kidnapper or serial killer, that was the last thing he needed. 

The person said something he couldn’t hear, given their helmet and he shrugged in confusion, pointing to it. The person seemed to laugh, then removed the helmet and Lucas was struck dumb. Kaz Janssen, in the flesh. 

“Need a lift?” Kaz repeated with that vibrant smile of his, running one hand through his hair, which was a bit curlier than Lucas had ever seen it. 

Lucas knit his brows together. “I didn’t peg you for the motorcycle type.”

“Because you know me so well?” Kaz countered, corner of his mouth quirking up. 

Lucas laughed, shaking his head. They were lucky no one else was on the road at that moment. “All the more reason not to go with you. No one’s getting me to a secondary location.”

“John Mulaney?” Kaz smiled as Lucas nodded, then spread his arms wide. “Technically it’s not a secondary location if it’s the first place we go together.”

Lucas couldn’t argue with that logic. Actually, he mostly just didn’t want to. “You don’t have an extra helmet,” he pointed out regardless, because he’d ridden scooters and bikes without helmets, but motorcycles were a different thing entirely. 

Kaz held out the helmet he’d just been wearing. “For you, sir.”

“But what about you?” Lucas took it hesitantly.

“I’m a pro,” was all Kaz said, revving the engine a few times. Lucas rolled his eyes, but covered his head with the helmet, flipping open the visor partly because he’d always wanted to try that and partly so he could see better to hop onto the back.

“Hold on tight!” Kaz yelled to him, and Lucas did as he was told, heart beating at a rapid pace Lucas prayed Kaz couldn’t feel through his jacket. 

_ \- now playing: lights up by harry styles - _

Riding a motorcycle was unlike anything Lucas had ever done. He’d ridden on the back of Kes and other people’s scooters before, but those were child’s play compared to this. He almost wished he didn’t have a helmet on so he could feel the wind whip through his hair and brush across his face. He tried to keep his eyes ahead of him, but he couldn’t help but steal glances of Kaz every once and a while, smile plastered on his face the entire time. Once Kaz caught him staring, but it only made his smile grow wider, and he said something Lucas couldn’t hear before turning his eyes back forward.

Another thing about motorcycles is that they could go fast. Really fast. Lucas wondered if this was what space travel felt like, just to a smaller degree. It was exhilarating, and it was a feeling he could see himself falling in love with. There was a freedom to it that made him feel a little less constricted and more himself somehow. It was nice, it was really nice. 

The ride ended earlier than Lucas wanted it to and Lucas realized he had no idea where Kaz was taking him. He’d assumed Kaz would take him home, but then he remembered he’d never given an address. 

He hopped off the bike once Kaz put it into park, pulling off the helmet and shaking out his hair. It really was getting long, he noticed, as it fell into his eyes. Kaz got off the bike as well and Lucas handed him the helmet, questions in his eyes.

Kaz nodded for him to follow, explaining as he went. “I don’t know where you live, but I have beer and, if you’re lucky, weed.”

“If I’m lucky?” Lucas asked sarcastically, falling into step beside Kaz. He was taller than Lucas by at least a few inches, just enough that he could probably rest his arm nicely around Lucas’ shoulders. Not that that was what Lucas was thinking about or anything.

They walked up the stairs to the third floor, Kaz turning to speak to Lucas with every step he took. “Well, there are rules here, you see.”

“Oh?”

“First: if you don’t like my music, you’re not invited back, I have the best music of all time,” Kaz began, “Second: you have to help me make dinner, because otherwise I’ll just eat bread for the third night in a row and I assume you have a more refined palate than that. Third: compliment my cat or perish by my sword.”

“You have a cat?” Lucas cooed without even thinking. Luckily, Kaz didn’t seem too put off by it. 

“I do.” He nodded, stopping in front of a door and searching his pockets for his keys. Once he found them, he turned the lock, looking at Lucas once more before opening the door. “Her name is Daisy.”

“Let me guess, Daisy Buchanan?” he asked knowingly. 

Kaz scoffed in faux indignation. “Quote Gatsby one time and all of a sudden it’s your only personality trait.”

“So she’s just named after the flower then?” Lucas giggled, following Kaz inside. 

“Ok, fine, she’s named after Daisy Buchanan, but in my defense, it’s my hyperfixation I get to choose the music.”

Lucas blinked. “Did you just. Rip off the ‘it’s my breakdown I get to choose the music’ meme.”

“You ripped off John Mulaney earlier, Lucas,” Kaz pointed out, throwing his bag on the floor and placing his helmet on a side table. 

Lucas raised his hands in mock surrender, grinning out of the side of his mouth. He didn’t remember ever telling Kaz his name. “Hey, I’m not mad about it, I was just checking.”

“Vibe check,” Kaz said, throwing a pillow at him and earning an eye roll and a full grin.

“Why did I come here again?” Lucas joked. 

“For the cat.”

“Oh, yes, most definitely for the cat.”

Speaking of the cat… wow she was so cute. Lucas had always thought himself more of a dog person, but Daisy was quite the cutie. She was a fairly small black cat with big green eyes, and Lucas was in love. With the cat. Not with anything or anyone else. He snapped a picture of her laying on the couch stretched out, wishing for a moment he could stay there and play with her forever.

After playing with the Daisy for a little while, Lucas followed Kaz as he beckoned him into his bedroom, instantly marveling at the wall he’d seen in the video a few nights ago. Kaz noticed him looking in awe, and smiled. “Do you like it? It took a while, but I’m almost done.”

“It’s incredible. Everything is so well placed. I’d never have the patience for that.” Lucas’ eyes followed red, orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo, violet, and every variation of those colors in between. The walls perpendicular were entirely white and black, respectively. The effect was way cooler in person than in the video.

He turned to look at the rest of the room’s decorations, eyes snagging on a section of the wall that jutted out into the room a little bit. Dozens of cameras lined shelves on that wall from floor to ceiling and Lucas looked at them, curiosity peaked. Kaz picked one up casually. 

“Are you a photographer or something?” Lucas asked, and Kaz shrugged. Lucas picked one up as well, looking to Kaz for permission. He nodded, and Lucas looked at it with interest.

“Something like that. I like to document beautiful things,” Kaz answered, lifting the camera to his eye and snapping a photo of Lucas before he could protest. “Though sometimes I think I don’t even know what beauty is.”

“Do any of us?” Lucas said with a small smile, and Kaz grinned back. It was a lie, though. He was pretty sure he did know what beauty was, and it was Kaz. Lucas set the camera back on its place on the shelf and looked to see where Kaz had gone.

Kaz emerged from behind his bed a moment later, small baggie of weed in his hand. “You’ve earned your privileges, I think,” he said with the uptick of one eyebrow.

They entered the living room once again, and Kaz perched himself on the windowsill, opening the window a crack to let the smoke out. Lucas followed suit, sitting on the opposite end and trying to ignore how close their knees were. 

“I haven’t heard your music to know if it’s actually good or not yet though,” Lucas said as Kaz handed him the joint in his hand. He took a slow drag, raising his eyebrows. 

Kaz considered him carefully. “Tell me about what music you like first.”

Lucas shifted his sitting position and thought about it. “Well, that’s hard. I like too much music.”

“Then tell me one song you’ve had on repeat lately.”

Lucas handed the joint back, biting the inside of his cheek. Then, a song came to him. “George Jeff by Jaden Smith. Honestly, Jaden Smith in general. I’m usually more into alternative music, but once you add a symphonic or electronic quality to hip hop and rap that goes beyond the same four basic beats with a mumble laid over it, you get magic. Plus, I really like his voice.”

_ \- now playing: george jeff by jaden smith - _

Kaz licked his bottom lip, grinning in a way that told Lucas whatever he was about to say was going to be sarcastic. “Funny, I would have thought you were a classical music guy.”

Lucas rolled his eyes, but he didn’t argue because he was. He loved classical music. “I am that too. I’m very versatile, apparently.”

“Do you play any instruments?” Kaz asked with genuine interest.

Lucas shook his head. “No. I wish I did, though.”

“Not even the piano?” Kaz pushed.

“The piano is _ hard _.”

“Wait a minute…” Kaz paused, blowing smoke out the window. Confusion was etched on his face as he leaned a bit closer to Lucas. Lucas’ heart started pumping and he tried desperately not to blush. “You’re not Timotheé Chalamet?” Kaz continued, shit eating grin returning to his beautiful face.

Lucas leaned his head back against the wall, closing his eyes. “Fuck. Off,” he said, but he was laughing. Then Kaz was laughing, and they both were laughing, and the world laughed with them. 

“You’ve never gotten that before?” Kaz asked. “You’re a spitting image for him in _ Call Me By Your Name _.”

“Why am I not surprised you like that movie.”

“Why am I not surprised you’re pretending _ not _ to like it?”

And, well, check and mate.

“You know who else you look like?” Kaz asked, pulling one knee to his chest. Lucas shook his head. “Troye Sivan. Has anyone ever told you that?”

They had actually, if you counted Sofie. Lucas wasn’t quite sure if she did count or not yet. Kaz looked at him pensively. “Longer hair though.”

“It didn’t used to be,” was all Lucas could think to say. Then, he added, “Are you a Troye Sivan fan then? I admit, I don’t really know who he is.”

Kaz grimaced. “Of course you don’t. A travesty, truly. He’s one of the greatest artists of our generation, but so underrated.”

Lucas wholeheartedly agreed. Blue Neighborhood had actually changed his life. It was the first music source he’d seen so much of himself in that it actually kind of scared him. Now, those were his comfort songs, and they played as a soundtrack to his life sometimes.

“He’s not the only underrated musical genius I love, though,” Kaz continued, waiting for Lucas to oblige him and ask who else he was talking about. 

Lucas did, because he wanted to know everything about him. “Oh, yeah? Who else?”

“Rich Brian.”

“Rich Brian?” Lucas had never heard of him. 

“His most recent album— life changing. I want to direct a music video to every song.” Kaz gestured wildly with his hands as he spoke, something Lucas was beginning to notice he did whenever he felt true passion for whatever he was speaking about.

“What’s your favorite song off the album?” Lucas asked.

“Yellow, hands down. You said you like symphonic hip hop, right?” Lucas nodded. Kaz grinned even wider, handing Lucas the joint and standing up, grabbing his phone off the coffee table and connecting it to a speaker he had on hand. “Prepare to be amazed,” he said, and hit play.

_ \- now playing: yellow by rich brian - _

The music swept Lucas off his feet, carrying his mind to new places. Maybe it was the weed talking, but he felt like he could feel the music in his bones, understanding why Kaz loved it so much. Then, a few minutes into the song, the violins hit, and Lucas gasped aloud. 

Kaz was clearly awaiting his reaction, and grinned in satisfaction. “Told you.”

“Holy fucking shit,” was all Lucas had the capacity to say, too swept up in everything that was happening even in the smallest intricacies of the music. 

“I know.”

_ “Holy fucking shit.” _

_ “I know.” _

They were silent after that, comfortably so, the kind of silent you don’t find with a person until you know them in an intimate way. It shocked Lucas they were at this point already, but he stopped himself from overthinking it. Kaz had made no indication he was at all interested, and even if he was, Lucas wasn’t sure if he could fully allow himself to feel something real. It was best to admire from afar. 

Minutes and hours began to blur together into one big jumble of smoke and laughter and deep conversations that actually weren’t deep at all but said so much at the same time. Kaz kept his music playing and Lucas allowed himself to fall in love with this one small part of Kaz, because he was right and his music taste was amazing.

When they made pasta for dinner, they laughed over adding so many spices that they could barely see the pasta beneath it all, and nearly cried over how bad it tasted. Given the inedible pasta disaster, they ended up eating bread, just as Kaz had claimed he had been for days, but in his defense the bread was delicious. Nothing like their devil pasta that could probably reanimate the dead. 

Sitting on the floor in Kaz’s kitchen, still high from all the weed and all the fun Lucas had been having, he turned the bread over in his hands, smiling into his chest before taking another bite. There was a sudden weight on his shoulder and he startled to see Kaz had rested his head there. 

Freaking out internally, Lucas remained cool and collected externally. “You good?”

Kaz nodded lazily, head almost falling off Lucas’ shoulder. “So tired.”

“Me too,” Lucas agreed, head falling on top of Kaz’s without even realizing it. The two of them sighed, saying nothing more. Neither of them moved either, staying there for a second, for forever. 

Forever ended when Lucas’ phone vibrated loudly in his pocket and he and Kaz both jumped, accidentally knocking their heads together. Lucas blushed and began to apologize, but Kaz brushed it off with a laugh, leaning his head back against the cabinets while Lucas looked at his phone.

Shit. 

He must have not even realized he was getting messages, too high and distracted. The boys had left a great many, and so had Sofie. 

**Kes:** luc you have the address?

**Jayden:** i’m ready to partayyy

**Sander:** cool it man lol

**Sander:** lucas?

**Kes:** he’s probably with family if he’s not looking at his phone

**Jayden:** fair, but text us back sooooon bro

The texts then jumped to hours later, hours later than Lucas even realized it was. It was nearly 21h, fully dark out and everything. Shit. 

**Kes:** luc? we’re still waiting

**Kes:** also whose cat is that? are you not home?

**Sander:** we’re getting worried man

**Kes:** yeah, we don’t care about the party, just want to know what’s up

**Kes:** text back when you can please otherwise i’m showing up at your house

**Sander:** ^^

**Jayden: **^^^

There were no texts that they’d actually gone to his house, which was a good sign. He’d figure out an answer while he read whatever Sofie had to say. Her first message was just the address with a smiley face, but then she too descended into worry.

**sof_heide:** Hey, Lucas, you haven’t confirmed, is everything all right?

**sof_heide:** If you can’t make it it’s fine, just let me know

**sof_heide:** Seriously, Lucas? I honestly can’t tell if you’re ignoring me or not

**sof_heide:** At least tell your friends they can still come, they actually seemed excited

**sof_heide:** Sorry, that was kind of rude. I don’t know what you have going on in your life. But text me so I know you’re alive, please?

Fuck, he should probably respond to her first, especially now that she could see he’d read her messages.

**vanderheijden.lucas: **hey, sofie, i’m so sorry, something came up with my family and i wasn’t on my phone. i don’t think i’ll be able to make it :(

Her response was immediate.

**sof_heide:** Don’t worry about it! There will be other parties, I hope everything is all right :(

**vanderheijden.lucas:** thanks, i mean it. do you mind if i still pass along the address to my friends, though? you’re right, they were excited

**sof_heide:** Of course! Wish you could come, but I understand, trust me.

Somehow it made it worse that she was so understanding. He almost wished she would have cursed him out and said she never wanted to see him again. He opened up his message with the boys, hoping they would accept his excuse without complaint. 

**Lucas:** hey guys, sorry, i’ve been dealing with some family stuff and i can’t make it to the party.

**Lucas: **sofie gave me the address though, and you guys are free to go without me

**Lucas:** [attachment: address]

**Kes: **bro, we’re not worried about some party we’re worried about you

**Jayden:** speak for yourself

**Sander:** j, really?

**Jayden:** i was joking jeez

**Kes:** anyway, i’m not really in a party mood anymore either, so i think i’ll pass too

**Sander:** ditto, i gotta deal with the move and everything anyway

**Jayden:** you guys are lame, but right

**Jayden: **shit i have to tell ralph and liv i’m moving out

**Kes: **sometimes i worry about your lack of brain cells

**Jayden:** fuck off

“All good?” Kaz asked, drawing Lucas back to the present. “You’ve been typing for a while.”

Lucas sighed through a laugh, rubbing one of his temples with the heel of his hand. “Yeah, yeah. Just my friends being idiots.”

“They sound wonderful,” Kaz laughed, sound vibrating from the position his head was tilted back at. Lucas wondered how long he could get away with staying there with Kaz, sitting on the kitchen floor talking about nothing and eating bread. 

Kaz opened his mouth to say something else but was interrupted by a knock at the door. Kaz frowned, standing slowly and making his way over. Lucas stood from the floor, trying to get a view without being seen in case it was a serial killer. 

He heard a higher, melodic voice join Kaz’s in the entryway and exhaled. Maybe Kaz had a roommate? Or maybe he’d ordered food while Lucas was distracted by his phone. 

Lucas’ head snapped up as a girl entered the kitchen, Kaz on her heels with a sheepish expression on his face. She took in Lucas, then frowned, brows creasing. “Who are you?” she asked.

He could ask her the same question. “I go to school with Kaz,” Lucas said, not sure what else to say. 

To his surprise, her frown reversed itself immediately. “Oh!” She turned to smile at Kaz, who looked extremely uncomfortable. “I thought you said you hadn’t made any friends?”

Kaz shrugged, meeting Lucas’ eyes and nodding his head to follow. Lucas understood, but at the same time he didn’t. That was definitely the cue to leave, but who was this girl?

“Um, I have to be going, I promised my mom I’d be home by 22h, and I want to catch an earlier bus just in case it takes a while,” he said, walking past the girl. 

“Oh,” she pouted, “That’s too bad… it was nice to meet you though, uh, what’s your name?”

“Lucas.”

“It was nice to meet you Lucas!” She pulled him into a quick hug, and Lucas shot a panicked glance in Kaz’s direction, who did nothing to help, looking away the minute their eyes met. “I’m Mila,” she said when they broke apart.  
“Nice to meet you Mila,” he said politely, skirting around her to the door. 

Kaz stepped outside with him, shutting the door behind them. “Sorry about that,” he said, but his voice lacked all the feeling it usually did. 

“It’s fine,” Lucas said, glancing through the window and narrowly avoiding eye contact with Mila. “Who…?” he trailed off, trying to look Kaz in the eyes. 

Kaz didn’t answer, looking him up and down once. “I’ll see you at school, alright?”  
“Um, ok.” It was a dismissal, but Lucas still didn’t know why. 

Kaz turned back to the door and Lucas started to walk away, only making it about two steps before Kaz called his name. “Lucas?”

Lucas turned around, raising his eyebrows. “I had a really great time tonight,” Kaz continued, softer version of his usual smile gracing his face. Lucas wanted to bottle this one up and keep it around for whenever he wanted to be wrapped in a smile that felt like a warm hug. 

“Me too,” Lucas answered honestly, “I’ll see you at school.”

Kaz nodded once, then went inside. Lucas stood there a moment, letting himself enjoy the moment. Then, he made the mistake of looking through the window. Mila was still in the same place, and Kaz joined her a second later. The second they were alone together, Mila wrapped her arms around Kaz’s neck, pulling him down to meet her in a soft but deep kiss. 

Lucas swore the world fell out from under him, but no, he was still there, he was still standing. He walked down the stairs stiffly, numbly, millions of feelings rushing through him all at once. He hadn’t imagined it all with Kaz, he hadn’t. If anything, Kaz was more into it, more flirty than he was, because he’d been steeling himself for something bad to happen.

Maybe Baz Luhrmann was right and love stories were supposed to be tragic after all. Or maybe it was just that no one made love stories for people like him. 

_ \- now playing: badbye by rm ft. eaeon - _

  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the meme i reference, just in case u don't know:
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	3. week three: he's not my boy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ch.3 will be up on tumblr tomorrow probably, i'm having many uploading difficulties but i still wanted to get it out on friday as promised, so sorry about that!
> 
> **tw: internalized homophobia, ableism, gaslighting, emotional abuse**

**ZONDAG 11:56 - Just the same old bullshit.**

_ \- now playing: yours by aidan alexander - _

Lucas had been helping Sander and Jayden move into their new place for nearly four hours already, so he decided that he’d earned a break. Thankfully neither of them had much to move in, but there was a fair amount of heavy lifting to do and Lucas wasn’t necessarily the strongest person in the world, so he was exhausted. 

There was one somewhat properly placed sofa in the living room, and Lucas beelined for it, flopping down and closing his eyes. It was hard for him not to think about Kaz once he was alone, and how stupid he’d been. Kaz was new at their school, of course he was just looking for friends. And of course he had a girlfriend, he looked like _ that _. Technically Lucas himself had a girlfriend too, if she could even be called that, he remembered with a pang.

Still, it was hard for him to not be hung up on the night they’d spent together, hours flying by like minutes. It felt like they’d known each other forever, there was such a distinct familiarity Lucas had never felt with anyone else. Even Kes had taken time to get to know, mostly because they didn’t have a very deep friendship at the age of five, but a childhood friendship couldn’t really compare to something like this. 

Sander and Jayden didn’t know Lucas like Kaz knew him, which was both alarming and exhilarating to think about. Granted none of the three knew him to his core, but no one really did. His mother had been the closest person to know him, before she’d quit being his mom, quit loving him. 

Lucas had resisted the urge to try to find Mila on Instagram, mostly because he didn’t have her last name and wasn’t desperate enough to look up every Mila on Instagram. Yet. He couldn’t even be properly mad at Kaz for not saying anything either, because what did he owe Lucas? Sure, Lucas had thought they might have been flirting, but some people’s default personality was flirty, even when they didn’t mean to be. Mila seemed nice enough, so he couldn’t be mad at her either, which meant he could only be mad at himself. 

Thankfully the boys had cut him slack about missing Sofie’s party on Friday, probably because Kes had told them not to pester Lucas about his family issues. It wasn’t like he was lying, he did have family issues, but at least he’d been distracted enough lately that those issues didn’t seem so prevalent at the moment. 

Lucas felt the cushion sink beside him and he peeked one eye open, seeing Kes settling in beside him. “Regretting agreeing to help them move in?” Kes smirked, and Lucas closed his eyes again, soft smile resting on his face. 

“Without us this would be an absolute nightmare,” Lucas pointed out, which was true. Lucas had great organization skills, and Kes had the motivation to get things done. Jayden and Sander had neither. 

“True,” Kes agreed, and Lucas opened his eyes again, glancing around the room. When Kes spoke again, it was hesitant and wary. “We haven’t talked in a while about your mom, your dad. Then you said the other day you were dealing with family issues… is everything ok?” 

Was everything ok? “Yeah,” Lucas lied, “Just the same old bullshit.”

“Is your mom having an episode?” Kes asked, voice laced with concern. Kes had been there through every one of his mom’s episodes, always willing to offer spare space in his room, or days playing video games to take Lucas’ mind off things, or care packages for his mom for when she felt better. Sometimes Lucas thought Kes was a better son to her than he was. 

Lucas shook his head. “No. I mean, I don’t think so. Sometimes it can be unpredictable, but I’m pretty good at seeing the signs now, and she’s been taking her meds.”

“That’s good?” Kes said it like a question, probably because he could hear the dejection in Lucas’ voice. 

“That’s good,” Lucas confirmed, reassuring him.

“Up and at ‘em, boys!” Sander’s voice bellowed into the living room. His body followed a moment later, taking up part of the doorframe. Jayden appeared at his side, taking up the other half. “You two done napping in here?”

“You realize we’ve been working for four hours without payment?” Kes asked, not moving from where he was stretched out beside Lucas. 

“Boohoo,” Sander deadpanned, coming into the room and laying across Lucas and Kes’ laps. He looked up at Lucas with a falsely innocent face. “I promise I’ll never ask for anything again if you guys help us with the last of it.”

Lucas smirked and looked down at him before shoving him off his lap. Sander landed on the ground with a soft thud, grimacing at Lucas. “Don’t make promises you know you’re not going to keep,” Lucas said, rolling his eyes. 

Kes pointed to Lucas in agreement, closing his eyes and resting his head back once more. 

Sander whined, making puppy dog eyes and clasping his hands together in what Lcuas assumed was supposed to be a praying gesture. “Please, please, please. I’ll be in charge of getting the alcohol and weed for the rest of the year.”

Kes blinked both of his eyes open, darting in Lucas’ direction. Lucas met his gaze, raising his eyebrows. Obviously they were both going to continue to help Sander and Jayden, but if they could get an incentive out of it, may as well. 

“Ok,” Kes shrugged, clapping his hands together and sitting up. 

“Ok?” Sander clarified, eyes narrowed. 

Lucas nodded along with Kes, pointing out, “I don’t have to pay for alcohol or weed until university? Of course I’m in.”

“Woah, woah, woah,” Sander backtracked, “I meant this year 2019, not this school year.”

“You could do the rest of 2019 and Jayden could do the rest of the school year after that,” Lucas suggested, causing Jayden to scoff in indignation. 

“I never agreed to this—” Jayden began angrily, but Sander held out a hand for Lucas to shake before he could finish.

“Deal,” he said as Lucas shook his hand, moving to Kes once they let go. Kes met Lucas’ eyes and he could tell they were both trying not to laugh. Maybe Lucas should help people move in places more often. 

His phone buzzed in his pocket and he took it out, turning away from his friends a moment to read who it was. A stupid part of him hoped it was Kaz, but then he remembered they hadn’t given each other their numbers or social media, so that was practically impossible. Not that Kaz couldn’t find him if he wanted to, his Instagram username was literally just his last name then his first name. 

The text wasn’t from Kaz, though, it was from his dad.

**Pap:** How is your mother?

**Lucas:** why are you asking? is something wrong?

**Pap:** Just because we’re not together anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t care about her well being, Lucas.

**Lucas:** right. that’s why you left, then? 

**Pap:** I’m not getting into this with you right now Lucas. 

**Lucas:** then what do you actually want?

**Pap:** Since your mother and I aren’t officially separated, we haven’t divided property equally or fairly.

**Lucas:** am i property now?

**Pap:** I was talking about the house. Your mother has never done anything to earn an income for the family, and since it’s my property, I don’t see it fit that I have to live elsewhere. 

**Lucas:** are you serious?  
**Pap:** I am. I sent you this message to let you know that I’ll give you and your mother a grace period to find elsewhere to live before I move back in, but I’d prefer it all to be done sooner rather than later.

**Lucas:** do you hear yourself?

**Lucas: **do you realize what you’re saying? 

**Lucas:** you’re basically rendering your wife and son homeless because you want to live in a bigger house.

**Pap:** Don’t be so dramatic. You’re still a minor under the law and attending school, so I will help support you until either you or your mother has a means of income to do so. I’m not a villain, but I’ve worked hard for my success and am entitled to all that goes along with that.

**Lucas:** what if i wanted to live with you at the house? what then?

**Pap:** Don’t be ridiculous, Lucas. 

**Lucas:** wow. 

**Lucas:** do i remind you of her? is that why you hate me? or do i remind you of yourself?

**Pap:** That’s out of line, Lucas. I neither hate you, nor your mother, but your mother needs someone there to take care of her and that’s not my job anymore. 

**Lucas:** i’m seventeen, pap. it shouldn’t be my job either. 

**Pap:** It’s a sink or swim world, Lucas. If you want to swim, then I’d suggest making it your job instead of trying to pawn it off on others. 

**Lucas:** you can’t have the house. if i have to take you to court over it, i will. maybe they’ll take you in for abuse and neglect instead?

**Pap: **How dare you threaten me you ungrateful shit. This is how you want to play it? Fine. Consider this your warning.

**Lucas:** whatever. 

It took practically all of Lucas’ willpower to not scream, cry, break something, or break down. What did that even mean? Consider this your warning? He wasn’t going to try to move back in with them, right? His mother hadn’t been the same since his father left, but Lucas wasn’t sure she’d be able to survive him returning. 

Kes must have sensed a shift in his mood, and he nudged Lucas’ foot with his. “Everything ok?”

Lucas nodded stiffly. “Yeah, of course?”

Kes looked skeptical. “Are you sure?”

“If I wasn’t I’d tell you.” Lucas put all the sincerity he could into his words, hoping Kes would let it drop. He would tell Kes in time, he would. 

He hopped up from the sofa, fake smile plastered onto his face. A very large part of him wanted to run all the way home, lock himself in his room, and never come out, but a smaller part told him that maybe doing this with his friends would be a great distraction, so he listened to the smaller part, regretting it as soon as he saw the haphazard labels given to the boxes lining the hallways. 

Why the hell was underwear in the same box as silverware? Other than silverware why did they have absolutely no other kitchen utensils? Jayden and Sander were idiots, they truly were, but thank god their idiocy was distracting. 

“Vamos!” Sander yelled, bouncing back outside to collect the last of the things they had to bring into the apartment. Lucas followed, feeling like he wasn’t entirely in control of his body. It was like his mind was at a standstill even when it was supposed to be telling his body what to do and how to behave. 

Fantastic. Just what he needed.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48958960946/in/dateposted-friend/)

_ \- now playing: disappear by my brightest diamond (stakka remix) - _

**MAANDAG 8:32 - That’s it?**

Staring off into space had become one of Lucas’ favorite pastimes, and he was very annoyed when one of his earbuds was pulled out, jolting him back into reality. He grimaced at Isa as she plopped down on one side of him, Liv on the other. 

“Hello?” He looked at both of them in turn, taking out his other earbud. 

Isa rested her head on its side in her hands, arms propped up by her knees. “Morning,” she said with a yawn. 

Lucas raised his eyebrows and glanced over to Liv. “Did you guys need something…?”

“We can’t just hang out with you?” Liv asked, and Lucas narrowed his eyes. Obviously they wanted something, even though he did generally enjoy their company. Something occurred to him. 

“Is this about Jayden? He did tell you he was moving out, right?” he confirmed, wanting to make it clear he had nothing to do with Jayden’s lack of planning. 

Liv laughed. “Yeah, he told us. I will say, I might miss him just a little bit. The flat seems so empty with just the two of us now.”

“I’ll move in,” Isa said, giggling into her palm. Liv reached over Lucas to pat her on the cheek with sincere fondness, and Lucas couldn’t help but smile at the exchange. He’d always loved Isa, part of why he’d felt so guilty for fucking her over, and it was really nice to see her with a group of friends that she could actually be herself around. It was what she deserved. 

“We do need something, though,” Isa said.

Lucas huffed a laugh through his nose, expecting nothing less. “Do tell.”

“We— and by we I mean Engel— are hosting a party for the culture club this Friday at Liv’s place, and we need you and the boys to come,” she continued, looking at him with pleading eyes. 

“That’s it?” he laughed, because there was no way the boys would turn down free booze. 

Liv and Isa exchanged a look. “Yes?”

“Yeah, of course we’ll come,” he agreed, clasping his hands together and bouncing one of his knees. “Did you really think I’d say no?”

Isa shifted so she wasn’t looking directly at him. “I didn’t know if Kes would have a date or something.”

“Isa,” he warned, because fuck no, he was not going down this road again.

“Sorry, sorry.” She crossed her arms and sighed. “I’m not into him again, I promise.”

She held out a pinky and he had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. “Seriously?”

“I pinky promise I’m not going to try to get drunk and makeout with Kes on Friday,” she said seriously. Liv leaned over to look at her. 

“Was that a thought you had?” she asked.

“Shhh,” Isa shushed her, still holding her hand out to Lucas. “You have to pinky promise me something in return, though.”

“That’s not how pinky promises work,” he said, holding his pinky just out of her reach.

“It is now.”

Finding someone who could successfully argue with Isa when she looked all wide eyed and innocent was a task no one had yet accomplished. “Fine. I promise I won’t leave weed at the party.”

Isa retracted her hand just before he could reach it, scandalized look on her face. “You asshole! It _ was _ your weed!”

“It wasn’t!” he clarified, “I’m just promising not to do it this time, for good measure.”

She scrutinized him, looking for any tells that would confirm he was lying. After a moment, she extended her pinky out to him again, locking their fingers together. “Fine.”

Liv and Isa both stood up grabbing their bags off the ground. Lucas gasped in faux offense. “You’re just gonna leave now that you got what you wanted.”

The girls shared another glance, shrugging. “Pretty much.”

“Rude.”

“Oh, also!” Isa exclaimed, turning back to face him before she walked away. “Engel would have killed me if I’d forgotten, the party has a theme.”

“I’m on the edge of my seat,” he deadpanned, earning a flip of the bird from Liv he couldn’t help but smile at. 

“It’s… uh,” Isa began, turning to Liv and whispering, “What is it again?”

“Russ,” Liv answered, and Isa turned back to Lucas, repeating, “Russ!”

“What the hell is russ?” he asked, squinting his eyes as he tried to think about what that might mean.

Isa shrugged. “Some Norweigan thing. I think the full name is russefeiring, or something like that.”

“Why, may I ask, is the party theme ‘some Norweigan thing’?” he asked. 

“Because it’s _ the culture club _, Lucas, come on,” Liv answered sarcastically, then laughed. “Honestly, we don’t really know either, but it was the least cultural appropriation-y theme Engel came up with, so we’re just rolling with it.”

Lucas considered this. “That’s fair. Russ theme it is.”

Liv checked her phone looking at the time before nudging Isa. “We’d better get going. Thanks for indulging us Lucas.”

“Anytime,” he said, because he actually did mean it. It was nice to see things getting back to normal between him and the girls, he would have thought for sure even if Isa didn’t hate him anymore, the rest of the girls probably still did on her behalf.

Isa and Liv walked away, talking and laughing, and Lucas pulled his earbuds back out of his pocket, placing them in his ears. As the music filled his mind, numbing it and stimulating it at the same time, he gazed off into the distance once again, finding the pieces of himself that weren’t entirely broken. He was surprised and grateful he’d made it through his conversation with Isa and Liv without a hitch, but he still wasn’t sure if he could face his friends. The conversation he’d had with his dad the day before was still on his mind, and while there had been no follow up, he couldn’t help but wonder how long it would be before he had the one last remaining sense of home ripped away from him. 

_ \- now playing: hard rain by lykke li - _

**DINSDAG 2:05 - What kind of gay are you?**

Insomnia struck once again, as was common these days, but Lucas didn’t even attempt to stop it. He’d known there was no way he’d fall asleep before at least three, so he used the extra time for productivity, finishing his science readings a few chapters ahead so he wouldn’t have to worry about them later. 

He clicked over casually to Kaz’s blog, the tab remaining open on his browser since he’d discovered it the week before. Pathetic? Maybe, but he’d accepted that at this point. He knew now that many of the photos on the photography tab were of Mila, and he it was easy to see how much Kaz loved her by looking at the photos. 

That was the mark of a true artist, wasn’t it? To be able to see the world the exact way the artist wanted you to see it? Lucas got a sense of who Kaz was and how he saw the world through the art he displayed on his blog in various forms. The things he loved were encompassed in warm hues, like a hug, the works in black and white were more erratic, showed some sense of urgency and anxiety. They left Lucas feeling unsettled but still wanting more. The cooler color tones were hard to come by, but they conveyed a sense of emptiness and isolation, even in photos of groups of people. It was interesting, and Lucas wished he could ask Kaz about it without sounding like a stalker. 

He wondered if Kaz would come to Engel’s party. He wondered if Sofie would come. She probably would, and judging by the three unread messages he had from her, she was wondering if he would be there too. 

Things would be so much easier if it was her he liked. She should be enough, she _ was _ enough, but she could never be the one for him. He knew it was unfair to keep stringing her along when he knew they had no future, but he was a coward. The last thing he wanted to do was break up another relationship or even begin to go after someone he could actually see a future with considering his already strained agreements with his father.

While he didn’t explicitly know his father’s thoughts on the kind of feelings he hid, he had inferred enough over the years to conclude that even though the closet may be dark and dingy, it was the safest place for him. He didn’t know what his mother would think, but she’d gotten more and more religious over the years, which didn’t necessarily bode well for him. In fact, the first time she’d spoken to him in days was that afternoon to tell him she’d left a bible in his room for casual reading. 

He looked back down at the webpage opened, gaze snagging on yet another photo of Mila and he sighed, opening up a new tab. He typed ‘gay test’ into the search bar, a little voice in the back of his mind telling him he already knew the answer to that question. 

There was one test he hovered over, called ‘what type of gay are you?’, and he paused a moment, biting the inside of his cheek before clicking on it. The questions were fairly standard, asking opinions on various outfits, music, and the like. He answered honestly, mainly because he didn’t exactly know what kind of gays there were. Wasn’t there just gay or not gay? 

After so many questions he actually started to forget what kind of quiz he was taking, the results began to load, and he frowned at the page. 

** _You’re an effeminate twink!_ **

What did that even mean? He knew what a twink was, obviously, but where had they gotten effeminate from? He wasn’t effeminate, was he? He’d tried so hard not to be, but was it all people saw? Did most people take one look at him and think, _ oh yes, he must be gay? _

He closed his eyes, digging the palms of his hands into his eyes. Ralph was effeminate, not him. Not that there was anything wrong with it, but that wasn’t him. He was as normal as could be, could pass for straight like nobody’s business. Fuck that quiz. 

That was one of the main reasons he never really considered ever coming out, he didn’t want people to look at him like he was some kind of girly boy or something, because he wasn’t. Without even thinking about what he was doing, he typed ‘how to tell your friends you’re gay’ into the search bar, stomach twisting uncomfortably.

There was a ‘how to come out’ reddit thread, which maybe wasn’t the best source of information, but it was two in the morning, and Lucas really didn’t care what kind of advice he received, he knew he was never going to muster up the courage. He scanned through some of the top comments, one thread in particular catching his eye. 

** gulegardiner ** ** _ -_ ** _ i was sort of outed by a girl i was leading on, but i also fell in love with the person i consider to be my soulmate at the same time, and that was what really pushed me to get in front of the rumors and live my life freely. _

  * _**_reply from _**_**lastmanonearth**_**_ \- _**_Similar thing happened with me actually! Luckily I got to tell my close friends before the rumors spread, but they were all super supportive and even helped me get back together with my current boyfriend. __
  * **_reply from _****choupisson****_ \- _**_a girl i was kind of using in a similar fashion told people behind my back when i’d explicitly told her not to, which wasn’t fun, and my best friend didn’t quite react the way i’d imagined, so at the time i really thought my life was over, but now i’ve been out with my boyfriend for around seven months and i’ve never been happier. i didn’t think i’d ever have the courage, but my boyfriend helped me find it in myself and i’d never go back to the fake life i lived before._
  * **_reply from _****sandwichfetish420****_ -_**_ honestly once i ripped the bandaid off it felt like such a relief. i wasn’t necessarily hiding in the closet because i was scared of people not accepting me, i was just more scared about what it meant to take control of my life. now i can’t see why i was ever scared._
  * **_reply from _****toadeyes****_ -_**_ i assume you’re all gay men, based on your responses, but as a bi woman i can chime in that i wasn’t totally sure of my sexuality until i came out with my girlfriend. thankfully no one outed me, but i do have to deal with people calling me a d*** or saying all i need is good dick in my life to turn me normal again… one of my best friends is gay, though, and he’s really been a godsend in helping me deal with the negativity and showing me that the postitives far outweigh any hate!_
  * **_reply from _****cloutgirl****_ \- _**_i’m a girl too, lesbian, but still mostly cloested, and i just wanted to say thanks for this thread, you guys are easing some of my worries. i’m out to one of my best friends (a fellow gay) but i think a couple girls at my school might know too? they don’t seem to care about the possibility of outing me and it’s really annoying and nerve wracking, especially when i used to have a crush on one of the girls and she has reason to hate me. ugh being gay is amazing but why does it have to be so hard?_
  * **_reply from _****sterkerdanijzer****_ -_**_ my friends are misogynistic and homophobic which is really cool and fun, so needless to say, i’m not out. maybe if i had a boyfriend or something, but he seems to be hiding from me. like. where is he. i want to see him._

Lucas shut his laptop, leaning his head on his headboard. Some of the responses had felt eerily applicable to his current situation, and it made his heart pick up its pace. He wanted to be out, but at the same time, he really didn’t. 

He plugged in his laptop, setting it on the floor and sighing. The world really didn’t want him to be happy, did it? 

**WOENSDAG 13:13 - Respect women**

_ \- now playing: i wish by hayley kiyoko - _

Kes’ eyes were wide, unblinking, small grin on his face as he looked ahead. Jayden was similar, less in awe, more drooling (without the actual drool, thank god), eyes heavily lidded like he was dreaming, and Sander looked serious, an intensity in his eyes that betrayed his demeanor of nonchalance. 

Lucas, on the other hand, stared straight ahead as they did, but his gaze strayed a bit further across the room, not enraptured by what his friends were enraptured by. It was their lunch hour, so Jayden had convinced them all to go to the gymnastics room and watch practice, claiming that all the hot girls would be there. 

He could see why his friends would be into the tight, high cut leotards, but he was more interested in the boys practicing a little further down the mat. If the girls or guys noticed the four of them staring, they didn’t say anything about it. Lucas almost wished they would. 

Jayden nudged Lucas with the back of his hand, not turning away from the girls. “Doesn’t Sofie do gymnastics?” he asked, unblinking. 

Did she? That was a good question. “I’m not sure,” he shrugged.

“It’s so unfair,” Sander complained, “You get one of the hottest girls in the school _ and _ she happens to be a gymnast and you don’t even care.”

“What does her being a gymnast have to do with anything?” 

“Dude.” Sander finally looked away from the girls, widening his eyes at Lucas like he couldn’t believe he was actually that obtuse. “Flexibility.”

Lucas rolled his eyes as Sander and Jayden high fived. Kes smacked them both upside the head from where he sat next to Lucas a step above them. “Respect women.”

Sander raised his hands up in surrender, looking innocently at Kes. “I was respecting women, it’s not disrespectful to say that Sofie’s beautiful and flexible.”

“Still, you were insinuating that her only qualities worth anything were her beauty and flexibility,” Kes argued.

“Ok, Mr. Feminist, I apologize,” Sander laughed, and Kes hit him again.

“We should all be feminists,” Kes said pointedly. 

“I am a feminist!” Sander argued indignantly. 

Kes cracked a smile at that, shoving him gently. “Then act like it. I don’t want to get kicked out of Isa’s party because you don’t know how to respect women.” Lucas didn’t say, _ it’s actually Engel’s party _, but he did note the fact Kes had called it Isa’s.

“I think it’s more likely Jayden will get us kicked out for that,” Sander said, and Jayden glared at him, but didn’t argue. 

“Or for not telling Liv and Ralph he was moving out until the day before,” Lucas added, glad the conversation had moved on from girls and Sofie before he had a chance to participate. 

“Hey!” Jayden interjected, pointing at Lucas. “I’ll have you know I told them Friday night.”

“Oh, well excuse me,” Lucas joked, and the rest of the boys laughed as well, falling back into easy laughter. The boys turned back to watch the gymnasts again and Lucas watched them watch, hoping that wasn’t what he looked like when he saw someone he was attracted to. He was so lost in thought that he didn’t notice that someone had come up to talk to them until they spoke. 

“Hey.” Lucas looked up and _ fuck _, it was Kaz. Kes, Jayden, and Sander all exchanged a look, and Lucas avoided their eyes. 

Sander was the one to respond. “Hey?”

Kaz barely glanced at him, eyes on Lucas. “You forgot this, the other day,” he said, holding up a battered paperback book. Lucas furrowed his eyebrows, because that book definitely wasn’t his. 

Kes, Jayden, and Sander all looked at Lucas in confusion, and Lucas did his best to look like he had no idea what Kaz was talking about. Kaz raised his eyebrows expectantly and Lucas extended a hand, trying not to focus on the electricity that jolted through him when their fingers brushed for barely a second. “Thanks,” Lucas said, looking away from Kaz’s face. 

“Where did you forget that?” Kes asked, plucking the book out of his hands and turning it over. “_ The Great Gatsby? _”

Lucas met Kaz’s eyes instinctively, and he was a bit surprised to see that Kaz looked uneasy, gaze flicking back and forth between Lucas and the book Kes was turning over in his hands. Lucas grabbed it back and watched as Kaz’s expression relaxed. Kes was looking at him expectantly and Lucas realized he’d asked a question. “Hm? Oh, I think I forgot it at the culture club a few weeks ago.”

Kaz’s expression clouded over, and Lucas nearly rolled his eyes. As much as he ached to be in Kaz’s presence, he couldn’t forget that Kaz had a girlfriend, and Kaz had no right to act like there was anything between the two of them. Because there wasn’t. Because there never would be. 

Kaz hadn’t moved, even though there was really no more conversation to be had. Kes blinked between the two of them and Lucas shrugged, pretending he had no idea why Kaz had come in the first place. 

“Are you guys going to the culture club party?” Kaz asked, still only looking at Lucas. 

Sander nodded. “Of course, never pass up an opportunity for free alcohol, right?”

“Right,” Kaz agreed, licking his bottom lip absently before adding, “Do you guys know the address? Engel told me about the party, but not where it is…” 

Clarity flashed across Lucas’ friends faces, as if the reason Kaz was talking to them now made sense. Lucas didn’t know if the address thing was real or just an excuse, but it didn’t really matter. As Jayden told Kaz the address, another person joined their group, also looking at Lucas.

“Hi,” Sofie said, smiling brightly. She had her hair up in a messy bun and a bag hefted over her shoulder, so his friends were probably right and she was a gymnast. 

“Hi,” Lucas said, not even bothering to return her enthusiasm, but trying to look engaged enough that she wouldn’t think something was wrong. 

“You’re going to Engel’s party tomorrow, right?” she asked, tightening her grip on her bag slightly. 

He nodded, glancing at Kaz, who looked harsh and stoic, so different from his usual demeanor. “I am, are you?” 

She smiled again, nodding. “I am.” She paused, glancing at his friends, all of whom were watching the interaction in interest. She stepped closer to him, lowering her voice. “Do you want to… go together?”

“Well, I already promised my friends I’d go with them…” he said apologetically, keeping his own voice low enough so his friends couldn’t hear or interject. 

She looked away dejectedly and he made a snap decision, probably because Kaz was standing right there. “But hey,” he continued, “I’ll dance with you the whole time we’re there.”

She rolled her eyes with a smile. “Really?”

“Really.”

He knew what she was going to do the moment before it happened, and he only had a second to prepare, to put on his mask and become the Lucas who loved receiving kisses from beautiful girls. 

Her lips were soft, and he closes his eyes imagining that he was kissing Kaz instead, but that fantasy was ripped away when he placed a hand on her face to pull her closer and was met with her long hair. He broke away from the kiss abruptly, but she still seemed satisfied. 

“I’ll see you Friday,” she said, blushing deeply. He pulled her closer for one more brief kiss before letting her walk away with a skip in her step. Kes and Jayden were nodding at him in approval, but Sander was looking at him with squinted eyes. He wasn’t sure what that meant, but he didn’t really care. Kaz was gone, and Lucas breathed a sigh of relief. He wouldn’t have been able to pretend if he was still there. 

“Where did that guy go, the one who brought me my book?” he asked, as if he didn’t know. 

Jayden snorted. “He dipped when you started making out with your girl. I don’t blame him.”

Lucas shrugged like he didn’t care, because he didn’t. At least that’s what he told himself. While the other boys picked up a different conversation Lucas tuned them out and looked at the book Kaz had given him. It was _ The Great Gatsby _, obviously, and Lucas could only conclude it was meant to be some sort of inside joke. It made him smile, despite himself. 

He opened the inside flap and saw a piece of paper resting inside. It had his name on it, so he assumed it must be some sort of note. He lifted the book discreetly so he could read the note without his friends interfering or thinking anything of it. 

_ Lucas, _

_ Sorry our time got cut short Friday, I really enjoy hanging out with you. I’m afraid I won’t really know anyone at the culture club party, so I was hoping you’d want to hang out with me again so I don’t have to hide in a corner by myself ;) Also, you could do with a reread, and I figured it would never happen unless I gave you that nudge, hence the book. Careful, though! I know it looks pretty battered, but this book is my baby. I don’t let just anyone read from it. _

_ Kaz _

He blinked at the note, then at the book. What the hell was Kaz playing at? _ I don’t let just anyone read from it. _ He had a girlfriend, Lucas reminded himself. Maybe he just really, really needed friends and didn’t know how to go about it in a normal way? But no, he wasn’t that dense, just confused. Hopefully he would get some answers on Friday. 

_ \- now playing: south by hippo campus - _

**DONDERDAG 18:39 - I love you**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48959148717/in/dateposted-friend/)

** _Pap (7 missed calls)_ **

** _Pap (3 voicemails)_ **

** _Pap (6 messages)_ **

** _Instagram: sof_heide has sent you a message! _ **

** _them boiiiiiiiiz (52 messages)_ **

** _Engel Beekman (2 messages)_ **

** _Isa Keijser (1 message)_ **

** _Kes de Beus (4 messages)_ **

** _Instagram: kes_senova has sent you a message! _ **

Lucas’ mom hadn’t left her room in three days, and he was starting to get worried. He ignored the messages piling up on his phone, standing outside her door for what felt like the millionth time. 

“Mama? Everything ok?” he asked gently, ear pressed to the door. When there was no answer once again, he jiggled the door handle, sighing when it didn’t open. 

“Mama?” he tried again, “I just want to make sure you’re doing ok. I’m about to make dinner and I didn’t know if you wanted anything.”

More silence. He squeezed his eyes shut and slid down the door until he was sitting with his knees up to his chest, face buried in his arms. He didn’t know how much more he could take. He thought he always knew what to do, but this was all new. It had always been him and his mom against the world, but now she was gone too. Now it was just him, alone. 

He lifted his head and let it fall back against the door in an effort to keep tears at bay. “I love you,” he said, hoping his mother could hear him through the door. “I’ll never stop loving you.” _ I hope you’ll never stop loving me _, is what he didn’t say. 

**VRIJDAG 21:42 - Don’t you two look cozy**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48959148082/in/dateposted-friend/)

_ \- now playing: sober by childish gambino - _

The party was in full swing, and even though Lucas was still confused by the theme, he was having fun. The girls had ordered a bunch of multicolored overalls in bulk, passing them out to everyone as they entered. Lucas had been given a blue pair and a fabric marker to write his name in big, bold letters on one of the legs. Ralph even had a pair, but they’d been accosted by puffy paints and glitter a million times over. 

Noah and Liv were dancing together, happy as can be, and Isa, Engel, and Janna were dancing with Ralph and Esra a few feet away, teasing the pair playfully. Lucas was actually surprised Noah was there, now that he was a university student, but he thought that it was a nice gesture. 

Thankfully Sofie wasn’t there yet, and neither was Kaz, so Lucas had a few beers and danced with his friends, enjoying himself while it lasted. There were more people there than he had been expecting, but when did anyone say no to a party? 

His phone vibrated and he looked to see who was calling, rolling his eyes when he saw that it was his father. He’d been ignoring his father’s messages and calls for days, ever since he’d helped Sander and Jayden move in. He didn’t have time to deal with any of it, and he didn’t want to have to. He had enough going on without his asshole of a father butting in. 

Two hands covered his eyes and he forced a smile, turning to face Sofie. She smiled widely at him, void of her usual shyness. He wondered if she’d had a bit to drink before she got there, but he didn’t blame her if she had. Parties were easier when some of your inhibitions were down. 

“I believe you promised me dance,” she shouted over the music, and he raised one eyebrow at her. 

“I suppose I did,” he answered, holding out a hand. She took it gladly, moving them to the center of the room. He twirled her under his arm, laughing as she laughed because he was just drunk enough that this was still fun. He wouldn’t mind being her friend, really, it was just everything else that he was trying to avoid.

As if his thoughts had wrought karma upon him, she chose that moment to lean in and kiss him. He kissed her back, if only to keep himself from overthinking. They kissed and kissed and kissed until there was a brief tap on his shoulder, which he was hoping would be one of the boys or girls coming to save him.

“Don’t you two look cozy,” Kaz said when Lucas looked up. Lucas flushed a deep red he hoped wouldn’t be noticeable in the dark lighting. Kaz’s overalls were red, and it looked like he’d indulged in some of Ralph’s glitter as well, not only on his pants. There was glitter highlighting his cheekbones up to his temples on both sides, and it was so beautifully distracting Lucas forgot to respond to Kaz. 

He blinked, and took a half step away from Sofie. “Still need a buddy for tonight?” he asked like he was joking, but he wasn’t. 

Kaz’s face hardened and he looked for someone in the crowd, smiling as he caught whoever it was and pulled them over to join the three of them. “No,” he said, “I brought my own buddy. You remember Mila, my girlfriend.”

There was a challenge to his words, and Lucas tightened his jaw before forcing a smile. “Of course, it’s nice to see you again.”

Mila smiled prettily at him, brows creasing ever so slightly. “What was your name again?”

It took every ounce of Lucas’ willpower not to roll his eyes. To his surprise, Kaz didn’t hold back from doing so. “Lucas,” Lucas said, voice coming out more flatly than he’d intended. 

Kaz and Sofie both definitely noticed it, and luckily Sofie jumped in, rescuing them from awkwardness. “I’m Sofie, Lucas’, um…” she trailed off, looking at him hesitantly.

He wound an arm around her waist, looking Kaz in the eyes. “She’s my girlfriend,” he said, and the minute he did he wished he hadn’t. Her face lit up completely, which was completely contrasted by the look on Kaz’s face. Mila seemed to notice it too, and turned to Lucas distastefully. “Now if you’ll excuse us…” she said, pulling Kaz away. He glanced back at Lucas as he left, face unreadable. 

“Oh, I feel so bad, I didn’t ask for his name,” Sofie said, putting her face in her hands. 

“Kaz,” Lucas said quietly.

Sofie turned to face him, blinking as if she hadn’t expected him to respond. “What?”

“His name is Kaz,” Lucas said again, feigning disinterest. Sofie eyed him a moment, then held out a hand. 

“Want to continue dancing?” she asked.

“Gladly.”

_ \- now playing: break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored by ariana grande - _

It was getting increasingly difficult for Lucas to keep his eyes off Kaz. It didn’t help that he was so tall, because he was really all Lucas could see. Or maybe he just had tunnel vision, that was also a possibility. Mila was laughing as the two of them danced, and Kaz had turned back into his usual smiley self. His hands never strayed far from her waist and hers rarely left his shoulders. 

If Sofie could tell Lucas’ mind was elsewhere, thankfully she didn’t say anything. He was still watching Kaz and Mila as Sofie pulled him into a kiss, maybe to bring his focus back to her. He wished he could say that it worked, but it didn’t. He tried, he did, but the minute his eyes closed into the kiss, he felt a loss and opened them right away, gaze catching once again on Kaz.

Kaz and Mila were kissing now too, completely lost in each other. It was almost enough for Lucas to give up completely, but then Kaz and Mila shifted just so, and Kaz was facing Lucas, and Kaz opened his eyes, immediately finding Lucas across the room. They gazed into each others eyes, kissing other people, and Lucas couldn’t help but think, _ there is nothing heterosexual about this _. 

He wasn’t imagining things, he couldn’t be. Kaz was into him. _ Kaz had a girlfriend _. Kaz was a mystery, but that mystery was still looking Lucas in the eyes, almost challenging him like he had before. It was intoxicating, maybe too intoxicating, because Lucas couldn’t stand it anymore. 

He blinked away first, pulling away from Sofie’s kiss. She looked at him in concern as she saw his face, which must have looked bad enough to warrant worry. Without a word, he took off through the crowd, pushing through people until he reached a quiet space. Liv’s room was closest and, thankfully, unoccupied. He barrelled right in sitting on her bed and putting his face in his hands. 

His hands were shaking and he was so thrown off that he didn’t even notice Sofie had followed him into the room, closing the door behind them and locking it for good measure. She sat beside him on the bed, clasping one of his hands to stop it from shaking. 

He looked up at her and saw the empathy pouring from her eyes. “Lucas, what’s going on?” she asked. 

“I’m gay,” he said before he could stop himself, then heaved a breath that was half caught between a sob and a laugh. He really hadn’t meant to say that, he’d never said it out loud before, even in private. He’d hardly even allowed himself to think about the words in the confines of his own mind.

To Sofie’s credit, she didn’t immediately yell at him. Instead, she blinked, then squeezed his hand. “Ok,” she said.

“Ok?” It was her prerogative to scream at him, to throw things, to out him to everybody for leading her on. 

“I mean, I had a feeling you weren’t that into me, all of my friends were telling me that you’re just a fuckboy, but I knew there was something else going on,” she explained, “I mean, I can’t say I’m not a little bit mad at you for playing with my feelings, but I get it.”

This conversation was making absolutely no sense. “You do?”

She nodded. “I’m bi,” she said, giving him a meek half smile. “I can relate to the internal struggle.”

“Oh.” _ Oh _. “I’m really sorry,” he added, because that’s what he should have said first. 

“Thank you,” she said, and he felt a bit lighter. He was glad she didn’t say ‘it’s ok’, because it wasn’t. He shouldn’t have led her on like that, but it was also nice to know that she might forgive him. 

“So…” she continued, “This is about a boy, then?”

He nodded putting his head back into the hand she wasn’t holding. 

“Kaz?” she confirmed, and he sighed. Was he really that transparent?

“Yeah.”

“Have you guys…” she trailed off, gesturing vaguely.

He shook his head fervently. “What? No, of course not. He has a girlfriend, and you’re the only person that knows I’m gay.”

She blinked in disbelief. “I’m what? Lucas!”

“What?”

“You should have told me that, I would have been way more excited about it!”

“I literally just called you my girlfriend, made out with you, had a breakdown, then told you I was gay. Believe me, your reaction was celebratory enough for what I was expecting.”

She considered this. “I guess that’s fair. I’m honored to be your first,” she said with a wink, and he found himself laughing. She continued, “Still, are you sure you and Kaz haven’t done anything?”

“Pretty sure.”

“The way Mila was looking at you, though… maybe Kaz has said something to her about you?” she suggested.

Lucas shrugged. “I mean, I met her once last week, but he introduced me as a friend and didn’t tell me they were dating. I saw them kiss after I left.” 

“Last week as in last Friday?” She crossed her arms, raising one eyebrow. 

He grimaced. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that too.”

She rolled her eyes, releasing his hand to slap him on the shoulder lightly. “So many things make sense now.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “What do I do?” he asked.

She seemed surprised to be asked for that kind of advice. “I mean, I’m not one for breaking up relationships or cheating, but I think you guys need to talk. It’s kind of obvious he’s into you, and I’ve met him once. Either he breaks up with his girl, or you both move on.”

“I’m not sure it’s that simple,” he argued, but she brushed him off.

“Then make it that simple.”

He tilted his head looking at her with a small smile. “You’re pretty great, Sofie, I hope you know that.”

“Lucas, you don’t have to—”

“I mean it,” he said adamantly, “I’m really sorry for using you, but I’m glad to call you my friend.”

“Oh, friends now, are we?” 

“If you want.”

She studied him, then extended her hand. “I’d like that.”

He smiled, bypassing her hand and pulling her into a hug. She hugged him back, whispering in his ear, “Now go get your boy.”

“He’s not my boy,” he said as he pulled away, glancing nervously towards the door. 

“But he could be.”

He closed his eyes, taking a breath in and out, then stood up. “If I die out there, tell Kes he gets all of my things.”

She saluted him. “I get first dibs on your clothes.”

“What?” he laughed, hand on the door handle.

“I really like your style,” she said with a shrug.

“Fine, you get first dibs on my clothes.” With that, he was out the door, making his way back into the crowd. He was worried Kaz might have left already, or maybe disappeared somewhere private with Mila. But no— there he was, talking to Engel. Mila was nowhere to be seen, so Lucas took his opportunity, approaching him from the side.

“‘I like large parties,’” he began, inserting himself into Kaz and Engel’s conversation. Kaz blinked at him intensely, Engel blinked at him in confusion. He continued, “‘They’re so intimate. At small parties there isn’t any privacy.’” 

“I agree completely,” Kaz said with a half smile. Engel still looked fairly confused, so Lucas was glad when she was called away by someone across the room, leaving the two boys alone. 

“As much as I love large parties,” Lucas said when it was just the two of them, “Do you want to get out of here?” He didn’t mention Mila. 

“I thought you’d never ask,” Kaz said. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48959147847/in/dateposted-friend/)

**VRIJDAG 23:01 - So what is your type, then?**

_ \- now playing: slip away by perfume genius - _

If Kaz was worried about Mila, he didn’t show it. They were running through the streets together, laughing until they were completely breathless. Even though he was out of breath, Lucas still felt like there was a wave of fresh air filling his lungs. Was this what people meant when they said coming out was like a weight off your chest, a newfound freedom?

To think, a few days before he’d resigned himself to staying in the closet forever. He might still need a bit of time to tell anyone he was actually close with, but telling Sofie had felt better than he ever would have expected, even if it was a bit awkward considering the circumstances. 

Kaz’s hand kept brushing his and he couldn’t tell if it was an accident or not. He hoped it wasn’t. “Where to?” Kaz asked.

“You can walk me home, gentleman you are,” Lucas suggested, and Kaz nodded, slowing his pace until they fell into step beside one another. Before he lost the courage, Lucas gestured to Kaz’s face. “I like the glitter.”

“Yeah? It was Mina’s idea,” Kaz said, silence encompassing them when he said her name. 

“She seems nice,” was all Lucas could think to say, even though she didn’t, really. 

Kaz huffed a small laugh. “She can be. Sofie seems nice too.”

“She is,” Lucas said, trying to find a way he could bring up the fact he and Sofie weren’t actually in a relationship, “But I don’t think it’s going to work between us.”

“No?”

“No.”

“That’s too bad,” Kaz said, not looking too upset about it.

Lucas scrunched up his nose. “Nah, not really. I think we’re both ok with it, she’s not really my type.” He risked a glance at Kaz, finding his expression entirely unreadable. 

“Hm,” Kaz hummed, sticking his hands in the pockets of his folded down overalls. “Well, that’s good then.”

“Yup.”

They kept walking, steps in time with one another. Then— 

“So what is your type, then?” Kaz asked, and Lucas considered how to answer. 

Lucas shrugged. “I’m not sure I really have one, I just know Sofie doesn’t fit certain criteria.”

Kaz licked his bottom lip, biting it and glancing at the starry sky. “In that case, I feel you should know my type pretty much encompasses everyone under the sun.”

It was indirect, as Lucas had been in his statement, but he knew what Kaz was saying without saying. He didn’t know exactly what label Kaz preferred, but he did know that it was not heterosexual. 

Lucas’ house came too fast, and suddenly Lucas and Kaz were walking up to his door, neither one of them saying a thing, which said a lot on its own. He wanted to invite Kaz in, and he thought Kaz might say yes if he did. 

“This is me,” he said instead, nodding to the door. 

Kaz glanced at the door, then down to Lucas. “This is you.”

Lucas took a step closer on instinct, heart beating so hard in his chest he swore he could hear its deafening roar. Kaz stepped closer as well, that same challenge in his eyes he’d had all night. The tips of their fingers brushed, and Lucas nearly melted as Kaz entwined the tips of their pointer fingers on either hand. He took a deep breath, rising up on his toes slightly, watching Kaz’s eyelids soften as he leaned down. Their noses brushed against one another…

The door banged open, and Lucas and Kaz shot apart with wide eyes. The heart that had been beating so rapidly picked up its pace once again, this time for an entirely different reason. Lucas’ dad stood in the door, scowl on his face. 

“Hey, pap,” he said shakily, trying to keep his eyes from straying to Kaz. 

“Who is this?” his father asked with a sneer, nodding to Kaz. 

Kaz must have sensed the tension in the air, because he just said, “I’m in Lucas’ biology class.”

It was obvious they’d just come from a party, Kaz had glitter on his face for god’s sake, but Lucas’ father hummed, turning back to his son. “Tell your friend goodbye, Lucas, and meet me inside.”

“Um, ok,” he said, watching as his father turned on his heel and went back inside, slamming the door behind him. 

Kaz searched Lucas’ face. “Is everything ok?”

Lucas forced a smile. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. I was just surprised to see him, I thought he was on a business trip.”

“Ok…” Lucas could tell Kaz wasn’t buying it, but thankfully he let it drop. “I’ll text you?” 

“I don’t have your number—” Lucas started, but Kaz was already walking away. Lucas stared after him, mind swimming with what might have happened had his father not interrupted. 

“Bye, Lucas,” Kaz said, walking backwards and keeping his eyes on Lucas. 

“Bye,” Lucas said, similarly unable to look away. Kaz turned around as he got to the end of the street, and Lucas went inside, wondering what he was walking into. Why was his dad there? 

When he walked into the kitchen he saw a few bags, stuffed with clothes and other personal belongings. They looked like his belongings. “What’s going on?” he asked.

His father glared at him. “You’d know if you were decent enough to answer any of my calls or texts.”

“I’ve been really busy this week—” he tried, but his father blew him off. 

“Don’t bullshit me. What you said about your mother earlier this week had me worried, you see, so I made a few calls to check in on your mother’s mental stability, and she’s been deemed an unfit caretaker based on the evidence they’ve compiled,” his father said, and Lucas’ head swam further. What calls? What evidence?

“Given this conclusion, your mother has been moved to an inpatient care facility better suited to her needs, and I’ve signed releases allowing you to live on your own as a minor, since you’ll be eighteen soon anyway,” he continued. 

Lucas blinked in disbelief. “Wait a second. You had mom committed… now you’re kicking me out of the only home I’ve ever known? I don’t have anywhere to go!” 

“I warned you it might come to this,” his father said with false sympathy. Lucas felt disgusted to be related to him. “I’ll provide you with funds to secure living, and continue to pay that until you’re self sufficient enough to manage that on your own.” 

He said it like he was some sort of god. Like he wasn’t doing the barest minimum. “I’ve packed some of your things for you,” his father continued, “I figure you can pack the rest this weekend, but it would be best if you were out by Monday.”

_ Fuck you, _ Lucas wanted to say, but he didn’t, so instead he said, “I’ll be out tonight. I’ll come back for my other things over the weekend, but I don’t want to spend another minute in this house.”

His father rolled his eyes and shrugged as if to say _ your choice, not mine, _ and Lucas felt his insides breaking, crumbling to pieces. He grabbed the few bags already packed and walked right out the door, not looking back until he was a few streets away. Only then did he allow himself to break down completely, tears coming in waves. 

With shaky hands, he pulled out his phone, remembering the promise that had been made to him a week earlier. He dialed, and tried to calm his breathing as he waited for someone to pick up.

“Hello?” came a voice and Lucas nearly collapsed in relief.

“Noah?” he said, “It’s Lucas.”

“What’s up? Is everything all right?” Noah asked, concern laced in his voice. 

Lucas gasped through sobs that started coming faster and faster. “No. Noah I need a place to stay. I don’t— I don’t know what to do, I’m in the middle of the street— I’m sorry for bothering you—”

“Lucas, Lucas, where are you?” Noah interrupted urgently.

“I don’t know,” he sobbed, “I just need somewhere to go.”

He heard shifting on the other side of the phone, then hushed voices. Noah’s voice returned after a moment. “Come back to Liv’s, ok? They’re down one roommate, and they’d be happy to share their space with you.”

“Are you… are you sure?” He didn’t want to cause problems, or to intrude. 

“Lucas, do you think you can get here? Or should someone come pick you up?”

“I can get there,” he said, making his voice steadier than he felt. The walk with Kaz had proved Liv and Ralph's place really wasn't that far away. 

“We’re here for you, Lucas, the door will be unlocked, ok?” Noah confirmed, and Lucas nodded, even though he knew Noah couldn't see him.

“Ok.”

_ \- now playing: my body is a cage by arcade fire - _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	4. week four: all the best love stories are tragic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not going to post the full chapters on tumblr anymore because i've had some weird formatting problems, so i hope you'll still read the chapters as they come here <3
> 
> i really love this one for obvious reasons and i hope you do too ;)

**ZATERDAG 7:11 - Karma**

_ \- now playing: space oddity by david bowie -  _

Lucas was in his room. But it wasn’t his room. But it was his room now. It still felt like Jayden’s room, really, or a closet, which was ironic. At least there was a bed, because his from home probably wouldn’t fit and he really didn’t want to have to lug it across town. Everything else was bare, clean, and void of any sort of character, which he thought was fitting for his current situation. He was reluctant to get comfortable there, because he wasn’t sure if he wanted it to be his new home. 

Maybe this was karma for the passing thoughts he’d had of how his life might be better if he was on his own like Jayden, or if he could live with people like Liv and Ralph. To their credit, they’d been nothing but helpful, not asking a single question before welcoming him in with open arms. If they thought it was weird he’d called Noah for help, they didn’t say anything, which he also appreciated.

The only communication he’d had with his father was to tell him where he’d be living and how to make the monthly rent payments. Liv and Ralph had told him not to worry about it, but he would never feel like a true part of their flatshare if he wasn’t paying his part of it. Plus, it was the least his dad could do for him. 

He checked his phone for the time, sighing deeply to himself when he saw that it was only a quarter after seven. The giant window taking up the entirety of one of his walls that streamed the sun in earlier than he would have preferred was definitely not helping with his insomniatic sleep patterns, but he’d take what he could get. 

The rest of the flat was still, everyone else likely still asleep, but Lucas was still reluctant to leave the confines of his new space and explore the other areas he now had full time access too. Would Ralph and Liv leave him a shelf in the fridge, or did they share all their food? Did they make meals together or was it everyone for themselves? What was the cleaning schedule, if there even was one? Granted, he didn’t need all of those answers immediately, but it would ease some of his anxiety to know. 

Taking a few deep breaths, looking up at the ceiling, he slipped out of his bed, the wood floor cool on his bare feet as he walked to open the door, trying to make sure it didn’t creak too loud. The sun was leaving streaks of light all over the living room, which gave it more of a homey atmosphere, not that it didn’t feel welcoming already. Everything looked lived in, loved in, so unlike the barren remnant of a roommate gone to live elsewhere that was his room.

His feet clicked a bit as he walked, something that had happened for as long as he could remember, and even though some people probably found it annoying, it was comforting for him to know that some things would always stay the same.

The coffee maker, in his experience, was a bit loud, so he simply sat at the table as he had a few weeks previously, but under an entirely different context. He was actually glad no one else was awake, so he could take this time to adjust to himself. 

He loved the flat, and he really enjoyed Ralph and Liv’s company, and he knew that his living situation hadn’t been the most stable or healthy recently, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that he’d let his mom down. The last thing he’d ever wanted was to have her committed against her will, and because he’d acted on anger and impulse, ignoring his dad, that was exactly what had happened. 

His father hadn’t even told him where his mother was being treated, so he couldn’t visit, call, or write if he wanted that option. He was sure he’d cave eventually and ask, but the less contact he had with his father the better, in his opinion. The only other time she’d been in inpatient care, she’d been able to keep her phone, but he didn’t know if that was the case where she was presently.

For now, though, he was determined to at least try to look at the positives of his new living situation instead of dwelling on the more obvious and overwhelming negatives.

Like, for example, having a gay roommate. Now that he’d told Sofie, and that he’d shared whatever moment it had been with Kaz the night before, he understood what those people on that reddit thread had been saying. The prospect of being out to everyone was still a bit terrifying to him, but it was a bit easier knowing that no matter what happened, his parents would probably never know.

There was also the fact that Liv was now one of his roommates. Of all the girls, she was the only one he’d want to live with, though he liked them all quite a lot. Isa was far too messy for him, he didn’t know Janna well enough to even consider it, and Engel’s personality might be a little too bubbly for him to be around constantly. He and Liv had never been close like he and Isa had been, but Jayden never once said anything bad or complained about her, even though Lucas knew she probably did do annoying things sometimes, and  _ she’d _ put up with Jayden for far longer than Lucas probably would have.

He also didn’t have to worry about making sure his mother was taking care of herself enough to not raise alarm. He didn’t have to be a parent, he could be seventeen again, if he even knew how to anymore. Sometimes he thought he did, like when he was sitting in the bathtub getting high at a party, but other times he looked at the people at his school and thought, this is what they care about? Their worlds are ending over the thought of not getting enough likes on a picture or getting too drunk at a party one time? It seemed so trivial at times, but maybe he could do with a bit of triviality. 

The sun continued to rise, to brighten up the apartment, and Lucas let himself be at peace, swept away briefly by the sensation of calm, however fleeting, that had allowed him to be there at that precise moment, basking in the sun’s warm rays in a home that, no matter how familiar it was or wasn’t to him, felt like a safe space. 

The circumstances had been unideal, but maybe the universe had been trying all this time to lead him somewhere he could be himself or discover who he actually was, deep down inside. There were so many parts to him he had never allowed himself to consider, but now he might actually get the chance to try.

**ZATERDAG 10:13 - We can be the Han der Reijners**

Lucas was still sitting in the kitchen when everyone else started to wake up, and he debated running off to his room before deciding it was probably best to face them head on. 

Now that it was morning they were sure to ask him more questions about why he was there and what had happened, and he really didn’t want to answer them. He assumed Liv had her own family problems, hence why she lived in a flatshare in the first place, but he knew nothing about them, so he didn’t know why he should be forced to talk about his own issues. 

As if his thoughts summoned her, Liv entered the kitchen first, looking a bit surprised to see him there already. He’d gotten bored waiting there, so he decided to make breakfast, hoping no one would yell at him for using their food without permission. Thankfully he was a quiet chef, and the coffee machine had also decided to cooperate well enough to not wake them before they were ready. 

Noah followed a minute later, and Lucas smiled when he kissed Liv’s forehead absently, pouring himself a cup of coffee. For a couple one half of which was still in high school, there was a mature domesticity between them. It was like they were perfectly in synch with one another, and Lucas admired it. He’d never had very many examples of strong, healthy relationships in his life, so he’d take them where he could find them, even in his seventeen year old roommate and her boyfriend. In his experience, age really meant nothing when it came to maturity and stability.

“Morning,” Liv said, sitting down beside him. Noah acknowledged him with a nod, stirring a spoon in his mug. She gestured to the food laid out on the table. “What…?” 

Lucas shrugged, tucking his hands into the sleeves of his sweater. “I couldn’t sleep in, so I figured I’d make breakfast for everyone to say thanks.”

Liv’s expression softened sympathetically. “Lucas, you don’t ever have to say thank you—”

She was cut off by Ralph entering the kitchen with an excited gasp. “Livvie! I’ve missed your breakfast tableaus so much!”

“It wasn’t me, Lucas made breakfast,” she said, and he almost wished she hadn’t, because Ralph’s face immediately switched from lazily excited to pitying in a way Lucas could tell he was trying not to make look pitying. 

“Thanks, Lucas, you’re a better roommate than Jayden already,” Ralph said as he sat down, earning him a shove from Liv. Lucas wasn’t sure if it was an ‘act normal’ shove or a ‘Lucas is friends with Jayden, dumbass’ shove, but it made him smile minutely. He didn’t have siblings, but he’d seen from Kes’ family that this was a familial interaction, even though Liv and Ralph weren’t actually related.

“Funnily enough, I wasn’t too worried about being a worse roommate than him,” Lucas joked, and the look Liv and Ralph shared was priceless before they burst out laughing. 

“We love Jayden, we promise,” Ralph said between giggles, but Lucas waved him off. 

“He can still be a shitty roommate, even if you do,” he said with a small smirk, and Liv mimed zipping her lips and throwing the key away. The four of them ate in relative silence then, and Lucas felt like maybe he belonged there a bit more than he had earlier. 

Then Ralph and Liv exchanged another one of their looks, and Ralph shifted to what Lucas could only describe as a somewhat parental posture, and he knew his luck in avoiding talking about what had happened had run out. 

“You’re welcome to live here as long as you need, of course,” Ralph prefaced, “But I hope it’s not too much to ask if everything is alright?”

Luckily, he’d prepared some answers, expecting these questions. “Everything’s fine, my dad’s just gone for business too often for me to live in my house alone.”

Noah raised his eyebrows at him, probably smelling his bullshit from a mile away. Ralph was clearly thinking along the same lines. “Lucas, you don’t have to pretend anything with us. Believe me, we all have our fair share of family problems that you’ll hear all about.”

“It’s nothing, really. I’ll probably be out of your hair sooner than you think,” Lucas said regardless, unable to open up in a way that part of him was dying to. There was a part of him that really wanted to tell them everything, let them hold him while he cried, let himself accept any love and compassion they might offer. But the larger part of himself knew not to show his weaknesses or inability to function properly on the first day he lived there, otherwise that was all they would ever see. 

Liv sighed, “Lucas we don’t want you to leave, we just want you to be happy.”

She sounded genuine, she really did, but Lucas wouldn’t allow himself to believe her. No one had ever said that to him and meant it. Happiness was fleeting anyway, it didn’t do any good to dwell on the possibility of it or accept it into your life willingly without knowing it was going to be taken away. 

He’d forgotten that the night before with Kaz, but the universe reminded him. Just when he thought he was about to be happier than he’d ever been before, life gave him a reality check, shoving him out into the street with whatever belongings he could carry. 

Liv continued, “I can tell by your silence that you don’t want to, or can’t believe me, but I hope that living with us you’ll be able to find whatever you need in your life. We’ll do whatever we can to make sure you do, because that’s what we do for each other. When you came here, you joined our little makeshift family, and there’s no take backs. We used to be the Reijnhanders, but now we can be the Han der Reijners, if you prefer that.”

The small part of him became not so small as he smiled and rolled his eyes at the name she’d come up with. Ralph looked impressed. “Did you come up with that on the spot?”

Liv shrugged with the raise of an eyebrow, failing to notice Noah shaking his head behind her.

“Han der Reijners,” Lucas repeated, trying to contain his smile. He pretended to consider it, noticing that Liv and Ralph both looked like they were waiting for some sort of approval. “I like it,” he decided, and in an instant they both engulfed him in a hug over the table. 

Noah tried to join and Ralph slapped him away with a swift, “This is a family hug, Boom. we’re the Han der Reijners, not the Han der Boomners. Doesn’t have quite the right ring to it.”

Lucas laughed, wrapping his arms around the two of them in return, trying not to think about how the universe would compensate for this moment of happiness he was having. Maybe it wouldn’t, maybe he’d finally get lucky. 

“Now come on,” Liv said as she extracted herself from the hug. “We’re going to get the rest of your things.”

“We don’t have to do that now,” he began, worrying his father might be home given that it was a Saturday. 

Liv studied him, waiting for an explanation. Fuck it, he decided. “Then again, there’s no time like the present,” he finished, standing up from the table to clear off the remnants of their breakfast. Ralph waved him away.

“Go get changed, I’ll clean this up, you don’t have to do chores until you’re all moved in,” he said. 

“I can do chores—” Lucas tried, but Liv cut him off with a shake of the head. 

“Don’t question it Luc, he never voluntarily does chores,” she said with false reverence. He laughed again, letting the nickname she’d used fill his insides with warmth. Isa was the only one of the girls to ever refer to him by a nickname, but he could get used to Liv, Ralph, and even Noah using it. He liked when people called him by a nickname, it made him feel like they cared.

So, he followed her out of the room, praying that it was all up from there, and praying he wasn’t a fool for hoping so. 

_ \- now playing: daddy issues by the neighbourhood - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997495321/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997700382/in/dateposted-friend/)

**ZONDAG 14:28 - That’s not what I meant**

Moving himself in completely had been much more of a laborious task than he’d planned on, so he was rewarding himself with a break. His father hadn’t been home when he’d gone back for his stuff the day before, thankfully, so he’d moved everything else he could fit out with the help of Liv, Noah, and Ralph, father none the wiser. He wondered if his dad would change the keys once he saw that most every trace of Lucas was gone. 

Liv and Ralph had stayed out of his way while he unpacked once he’d refused their offers to help, which he was grateful for. He really just wanted to be alone at the moment, for the next several moments actually, and the fact that they understood without him asking for it explicitly meant a lot.

There wasn’t much for him to do in his half unpacked room, so he just went to Instagram, figuring he’d scroll aimlessly until he found some motivation to finish up what he had to do. The boys had been texting him like crazy since the day prior, likely because Ralph and Liv had both posted about him rooming with them, but he hadn’t had the energy to read or respond to any of their messages yet. 

**message request from kzjnssn**

A new message request awaited him on Instagram as well, though he had no idea who it could be, because he was pretty sure he hadn’t made any new acquaintances that would need to contact him through Instagram. The username had some sort of familiarity to it even though it was just a random jumble of letters, so he clicked on the profile before reading the message. 

Then his heart stopped beating in his chest because it was obvious, and he was an idiot. Kaz Janssen, kzjnssn. How come this account hadn’t come up in any of Lucas’ searches? The only answer with any plausibility was homophobia. He looked through Kaz’s posts, as there weren’t many, getting the same sense of Kaz that he had while looking through his blog.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997700722/in/dateposted-friend/)

The most recent one was from earlier that morning, and Lucas really didn’t want to get ahead of himself, but it was hard not to. Granted, the drawing could very well have been about Mila, but part of Lucas didn’t think so. Obviously, he wasn’t advocating for Kaz to cheat on his girlfriend, but he would give anything to go back to Friday night, uninterrupted by the switch that had flipped his life upside down. 

He went back to the message, accepting it immediately. 

**kzjnssn:** hey lucas, hope it’s ok i’m messaging you on here i’m not a stalker i swear haha. i found your @ through engel. just wanted to make sure everything is ok after yesterday?

Yesterday? What happened yesterday? Lucas checked the timestamp and realized Kaz had messaged him Saturday morning, and he’d only just now realized it. He felt terrible for a moment, but cut himself some slack. He’d had a lot going on, in his defense. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** hey sorry for not responding earlier, the last 2 days have been kinda crazy

He wasn’t sure what had spurred his honesty, but Kaz didn’t feel like someone he wanted to bullshit with ‘I’m fines’ and excuses. It scared him that he felt that way. His phone blinked, answer almost instantaneous. 

**kzjnssn:** no worries! do you mind if i ask about the craziness? 

**vanderheijden.lucas: ** after you left on friday my dad sort of kicked me out

**kzjnssn:** what?! god lucas i’m so sorry. do you need somewhere to stay? because you can definitely stay with me, unfortunately i only have 1 bedroom, but i’ll take the couch.

**vanderheijden.lucas:** no no no don’t worry one of my friends had a 3 bed flat with 2 people living there currently, so they were able to help me out

**vanderheijden.lucas:** sorry for unloading that on you, i’m not usually that straightforward about any issues in my life

**kzjnssn:** me neither, but i’m glad you told me

**vanderheijden.lucas:** me too

He was. He felt like a weight had been lifted off his chest. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** i’ve sort of always had a weird relationship with my father, but it’s for the best that i’m not with him anymore

**kzjnssn:** i can understand that. i have sort of an off and on relationship with my parents, which is part of why i live alone, but at the end of the day i’d do anything for them and they’d do anything for me

**vanderheijden.lucas: ** that’s how it used to be with my mom

**kzjnssn:** used to?

Lucas paused, biting the inside of his cheek. He didn’t want to scare Kaz away, but his mother and her mental health struggles had been a big part of his life, still were a big part of his life. He decided to just go for it, if Kaz had a problem with it, that was on him. 

**vanderheijden.lucas: ** my mom is bipolar, so she wasn’t always the most stable, mentally, but she’d been diagnosed before i was even born and diligently took her meds and went to therapy so her episodes didn’t happen very often, and i grew up used to them, so i just thought that was how a lot of people were. after my dad left though, things were a bit different, she just completely checked out of everything, and it was new to me, so i didn’t know the best way to help her through it. my dad caught wind of it somehow and had her placed in an institution when he knew i wouldn’t be there, then told me to find somewhere else to live because he’d earned the right to live in our house and i hadn’t taken good enough care of my mom anyway.

**vanderheijden.lucas:** i’m sorry that was probably a lot, i just haven’t really felt like talking about it with anyone until now

**kzjnssn: ** don’t apologize 

Lucas waited for a further response, but minutes passed without anything more. He felt slightly anxious about Kaz’s silence, wondering if this meant he was going to try to cut himself off from Lucas because he didn’t want to deal with his problems or his messed up family. Lucas set his jaw about to close the app, when he got a notification.

**kzjnssn:** you aren’t close with your mom, then?

Why had it taken so long for him to reply with that?

**vanderheijden.lucas: ** i’m really close with my mom, but i’m not sure i’m what she needs right now. i wish it hadn’t been my dad who made the decision, but i should have been more proactive in getting her the help she needed instead of hoping it would go away.

**kzjnssn:** do you wish that, sometimes? that her disorder would go away? 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** no. maybe she does, sometimes, and i won’t lie, it can be difficult, but the fact that she’s bipolar doesn’t devalue her in my eyes the way it does to some people. 

**kzjnssn: ** you don’t think she’s crazy?

The conversation had taken a strange turn, and now Lucas was starting to get kind of mad. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** no. i don’t. if you do, please let me know so i can block you. sorry if that sounds harsh, but i’ve dealt with my ableist asshole of a father long enough to know that i need to cut that toxicity out of my life.

**kzjnssn: ** that’s not what i meant

**kzjnssn:** i’m so sorry

**kzjnssn:** i don’t think having bipolar disorder makes your mother or anyone crazy in the slightest

**kzjnssn:** forgive me? 

**vanderheijden.lucas: ** what did you mean then? 

**kzjnssn: ** i don’t really know. i guess i just wanted to see things from your perspective.

**vanderheijden.lucas:** ok…

**kzjnssn:** i really am sorry.

**vanderheijden.lucas:** it’s ok, you’re not the first person who’s been spooked by my family issues.

**kzjnssn:** believe me, lucas, i’m not spooked. i know i have a pretty supportive family, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have our share of issues either. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** good to know i’m not alone

**kzjnssn: ** you never were

Lucas smiled, despite himself. He was still a bit confused by the whole conversation, but he could tell Kaz was being genuine, and that he really did mean well. He mostly blamed society’s stigma about mental illness for how most people reacted, even the ones with the best intentions. It was good to know Kaz wasn’t completely ignorant, though, and that he wasn’t completely perfect. It made Lucas feel a little reckless, a little confident.

**vanderheijden.lucas:** what are you up to today? would you maybe want to help me unpack at my new place?

**kzjnssn:** i would love to, but i actually have something i have to do

**vanderheijden.lucas:** oh? everything ok?

**kzjnssn:** better than ok, or at least it will be

**vanderheijden.lucas:** that’s good

**kzjnssn:** it is 

**kzjnssn:** i have to go, mila is here, talk to you later?

And just like that Lucas’ heart, slowly building up inside his chest, deflated with an exaggerated pop. 

**vanderheijden.lucas:** k.

Maybe he was alone, after all. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997495236/in/dateposted-friend/)

**MAANDAG 9:03 - Why didn’t you call me?**

Lucas hadn’t been in a very good mood since his conversation with Kaz. He felt like an idiot for telling him all those things when Kaz had been patiently waiting for their conversation to end so he could have fun with his girlfriend. Dredging up all of his issues with his family had also upped his anxiety levels, thinking and overthinking about his mother’s current situation all day and night. If he wasn’t stubborn, he’d ask his dad where she was being treated, but he was stubborn, so he’d wait until he was desperate. 

He hadn’t seen Jayden or Sander that morning, which he was secretly glad about. He couldn’t deal with any bullshit from them at the moment and was scared he’d snap at them the minute either one of them spoke. 

Kes, however, was waving Lucas over to where he was sitting on the bleachers, one earbud in. Lucas felt a bit guilty for ignoring all of Kes’ messages, but it wasn’t like he hadn’t had a good reason.

Kes pulled out his earbud as Lucas approached, face apprehensive. “I thought you’d died or something, dude.”

Lucas rolled his eyes. “I didn’t die, just had a long weekend.”

“Yeah, I know,” Kes said a bit harshly, “But not because you told me.”

“What?” Lucas didn’t know what Kes was getting at. 

“I had to learn that you moved in with Liv and Ralph from Liv and Ralph’s Instagram posts. What the hell happened, Luc?” Kes asked angrily, and Lucas felt even more guilty. He really should have said something, but every time he tried to he had no idea what to say. 

“My dad came back,” he said under his breath and Kes’ anger evaporated in an instant.

“That bastard. What about your mom?” Kes asked. 

Lucas looked down at his hands. “He had her committed while I was at the culture club party, then he told me I had no right to live in the home he paid for.”

“He  _ what _ ?” Kes hissed.

Lucas nodded. “Yeah.”

“That bastard.”

“Yeah.”

“Why didn’t you call me? You know you’re always welcome at my house,” Kes pushed, looking hurt. 

Lucas didn’t have the heart to tell him that, for some reason, the possibility had never even crossed his mind. It should have, but it hadn’t. “I needed a more permanent solution,” Lucas said instead, hoping Kes would understand. “And I remembered I knew somewhere that could use another roommate.”

“Jayden’s pissed at you for stealing his room,” Kes said, and Lucas whipped his head in his direction. 

“Are you serious?”

Kes laughed, shaking his head. “No. He and Sander are already lost in their own world.”

“I can only imagine,” Lucas said with an exasperated sigh. 

“Speaking of them,” Kes began, “They were thinking of having a housewarming party Friday, you in?”

“Definitely,” Lucas decided. It would probably be nice to party and pretend everything was normal. Maybe he’d invite Sofie. 

Kes continued, “It’s going to be Halloween themed, obviously, so I hope you’ve prepared a costume.”

He hadn’t. “Oh, of course.”

Kes cracked a smile. “I expect nothing less from you.”

_ \- now playing: brazil by declan mckenna -  _

**DINSDAG 20:19 - Disaster gays are predictable**

Lucas was most definitely not stalking Kaz’s Instagram for the millionth time. It was a travesty that there was only one full picture of him, but Lucas would take what he could get. He’d also stalked Mila’s account in a moment of weakness, feeling jealousy coil in his stomach at the pictures of the two of them as a happy couple. Or even the portraits of Mila with simple captions about her beautiful photographer boyfriend. He didn’t know what it was, but she rubbed him the wrong way. 

Before he could dig himself too deep into a rabbit hole, he made sure his door was closed and called the only person he could think to talk to when he was spiraling like this. 

“Lucas?” Sofie’s face filled his screen after a few rings and he’d never been more happy to see her. It was funny how much he’d been texting and talking to her now that there were no expectations between the two of them. 

“Sofie, I’m a mess,” he said, resting his head in his arm that wasn’t holding his phone.

“What else is new.”

He rolled his eyes at her. “Hilarious, but I’m serious.”

“Let me take a wild guess: you stalked Kaz on Insta again, then Mila, then Kaz again, and now you’re all sad and pining,” she deduced, and Lucas scowled at her accuracy. 

“How do you do that?” he asked, somewhat in awe. 

She smiled victoriously. “Disaster gays are predictable.”

“Shut up.”

“That’s no way to treat someone you want advice from,” she said haughtily, and he scowled again. 

“How do you know I want advice?” he asked. “Maybe I’m telling you that I’m a mess to fake you out and then talk about how much of a  _ not _ mess I am.”

She squinted. “Sure. What advice do you need from me?”

He sighed, running a hand through his long curls. “I need to know how to get over him.”

“Don’t you mean get under him?” she countered, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively. 

“Sofie. I’m serious.”

“Why though?” she asked, leaning back on her own bed. “I thought we’d agreed that he’s into you too?”

Lucas sighed and shrugged. “Even if he is, I’m not going to break up his relationship. I don’t want to be with a cheater anyway.” Oh, the irony. At least he wasn’t the same person he used to be. 

Sofie sighed, biting her bottom lip. “I’m gonna ask you something and I don’t want you to get mad,” she said after a moment of silence. 

“Ok,” he said warily, not sure what she was going to ask. 

“Are you ever going to stop pretending?” she asked, and he understood why she said not to be mad, because he was kind of mad now. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking abou—” he began, but she cut him off. 

“I’m not talking about the gay thing, obviously you should come out when you feel ready to, but that’s not the only thing you’re pretending about. Have you told your friends we’re not dating? Have you told them why you live with Liv and Ralph? I understand you not wanting to tell me, we barely know each other, but your friends should know. Have you told Kaz to either dump his girlfriend or stop flirting with you?” 

He was still angry, mostly at himself now. She said all that like it was easy to stop pretending, like pretending wasn’t all he’d ever known. “I don’t fucking know how!” he nearly screamed, quieting immediately because the walls were fairly thin. “I’ve been pretending my whole life.”

“Lucas…”

“I don’t want your pity,” he said more harshly than he intended. 

“I don’t want to give you any pity,” she countered, “And I don’t want to tell you how to live your life, but are you even doing that yourself?”

“Doing what?”

“Living! Things just sort of happen to you, you don’t make them happen.”

“That’s not true!” It was true. 

She saw right through him. “When was the last time you actually did something because you wanted to?”

The answer came to him faster than he’d anticipated. “Last Friday. I asked Kaz to take me home.”

“I mean, I kinda take credit for that.”

“I’m serious, Sofie. Yes, you told me to go for it, but I actually allowed myself to. Mila was at that party, but he left with me when I asked. Fuck, how did she get home?” He wondered aloud. He truly hadn’t thought or cared about the fact that they’d left Mila alone at the party.

She looked at him with a smug smile. He sighed. “What?”

“You’ve basically proved my point.”

He had, hadn’t he? There was something about Kaz that made everything that scared him seem less daunting. Even with the weird conversation they’d had the day before, Lucas didn’t regret telling him about his family, and he wanted to see him again more than anything. 

“Well, what do I do about it?” he asked sincerely.

Sofie looked at him with soft eyes. “That’s up to you, bud.”

“I was afraid you’d say that.”

“Stop being afraid then,” she said, mostly joking, but she was right. Starting now, he was unafraid. Lucas Van der Heijden 2.0, or something like that.

He smiled at her. “How did I survive this long without you?” 

“I honestly have no idea,” she said with a small shrug, and Lucas stuck his tongue out at her. He looked at the time on his phone, blinking at how late it was getting. 

“I should go,” he said, and she nodded. 

“See you tomorrow noodlehead.”

“Noodlehead?”

“With your hair all long and curly like that, it looks like noodles.”

He laughed, shaking his head. “Bye, Sofie.”

“Bye noodlehead.”

When he hung up he felt light for the first time since last Friday. It was a nice feeling, and he didn’t want to lose it.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997495061/in/dateposted-friend/)

**WOENSDAG 16:36 - What do you believe in?**

Lucas got back home from school alone, Liv going to meet Noah for coffee after his classes at university, and he was surprised to see Esra alone in the flat when he walked in. He didn’t know Esra well at all, so he wondered if he should entertain her or hide in his room until Ralph or Liv got home. 

“Hey,” she greeted him cheerily from the couch, reading a magazine. 

“Hi.”

“Ralph went out for groceries,” she explained, “He said I could wait here for him.”

He nodded vigorously, “Yeah, no worries. Of course.”

She finally looked up from her magazine. “Are you ok, Lucas?”

Good question. He forced a laugh. “Yes? Sorry, I just had a test and my brain is a little fried.”

“Don’t apologize.” She patted the sofa seat beside her. “Come, I need your opinion.”

Lucas dropped his bag in his room before returning to Esra in the living room. She was squinting between two pages of the magazine. He looked at it, then at her. 

“Which of these jackets do you like better?” she asked, pointing to the pictures in the magazine. He glanced at them, thinking that this would probably be a better task for Ralph, when one of them actually caught his eye. 

“That one,” he said, without hesitation, then blushed at his fast response. It was a red jacket with fringe hanging from the sleeves, and it was way more out there than anything he’d ever considered wearing, but in his deepest fantasies he’d wear that jacket in a heartbeat.

She smiled at him, raising one eyebrow. “Yeah?”

He nodded, not knowing what else to say. 

“I think you’re my new favorite then,” she continued, marking the page. “Ralph is terrible at decision making, but would then buy one for himself, and our practical Liv would tell me to buy neither now and save up to buy both later.”

“Glad I could help,” he said as his phone buzzed with a text. He pulled it out, heart stopping briefly when he saw his mom’s name in his notifications. 

**Mom:** Corinthians 13:13 - And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love

**Mom:** I miss you, my Lucas. I hope all is well with you and your father. 

On one hand, he was unbelievably happy to hear from her, but on the other it was never a good sign when she messaged him bible verses. 

**Lucas:** Love you too. Is everything ok?

**Mom:** The Lord’s plan is often unexpected, but we must learn to accept the journey He has laid out for us.

**Lucas:** I miss you. Can I visit you?

**Mom: ** I am not allowed visitors at the moment, but I will call your father when I am allowed.

**Lucas:** I’m not with him, mom.

**Mom:** What do you mean? 

**Lucas:** He kicked me out, mom. I’m living in a flat with a friend. 

**Mom:** The Lord’s plan is often unexpected, but we must learn to accept the journey He has laid out for us.

He bit back tears. It was so hard to be away from her when he didn’t know what was going on. Fuck his dad, he was the reason she wasn’t doing well, if her behavior and these texts were anything to go on. 

**Lucas: ** I love you.

He didn’t receive a response, but part of him never expected to. If he didn’t have the messages right in front of him, he’d think he imagined them. 

Esra’s voice cut through his thoughts. “Are you ok, Lucas?” she asked for the second time. 

He blinked feverishly, turning his face to wipe his eyes before looking at her, gaze snagging on her hijab. It was a beautiful lavender color that day, and the color reminded him of his mom. “Why are you religious?” he asked before he could stop himself. 

She looked surprised by the question, furrowing her eyebrows. “Do you have a problem with my religion?”

“No!” he exclaimed quickly, understanding Kaz’s questions better. Whatever Kaz had been asking about Lucas’ mother, it had less to do with  _ her _ than something going on in Kaz’s own life. “I’m just curious, I guess.”

She sat back, thinking. “What do you believe in?”

He shrugged. He wasn’t very faithful on the whole. “Science,” he decided, “The universe.” 

She nodded, tapping her fingers on one of her legs. “And why do you believe in science?”

“Because it’s all facts. There’s no God in the sky telling people what they can and can’t do, or coming up with excuses for why gay people should burn in hell, or justifying hateful acts, saying they aren’t sins because they have the Lord’s blessing,” he said, hoping he wasn’t offending her. 

“Science hasn’t been all good either,” she countered, “Science used to think you could shock people to cure them of homosexuality, or that homosexuals played no role in evolution because they couldn’t naturally reproduce.”

“I don’t know everything about homosexuality,” he said defensively, but she merely smiled at him. 

“Nor do I. You also don’t know everything about Islam, and I don’t know everything about science, and vice versa, but we choose to believe regardless. Do you understand?”

He shook his head slowly. “I don’t think I do.”

“It doesn’t matter what we believe, just that we believe in something, even if that something is ourselves. Some call it faith, some don’t, but our beliefs form our core, keep us going when everything seems helpless. Maybe none of it is real, God, Allah, the universe, you, me, but it counts for something that we believe regardless, doesn’t it?” she explained. He still didn’t really understand, but he didn’t think more discussing would change that. 

“If nothing is real does anything even matter at all?” he asked.

She reached for one of his hands gently. “Of course it does. You, and everything you do, matter more than you’ll ever know.” 

He didn’t know what it was about her presence, but he felt himself tearing up again and he pulled his hand away, standing up before the tears could fall. There was something otherworldly about her, in a good way. Like she knew all the secrets of the universe and dropped them one by one, but only in places she knew would benefit from them the most. He wished he was like that, but he was too lost to be of any good to anyone.

Kaz was kind of like that, but more otherworldly in a sense that Lucas was hopelessly infatuated by, one that didn’t know all the secrets to the universe, but thought the journey to find them was worth more than the final destination. 

Lucas wanted to discover things with Kaz, but he was still stuck on whether Kaz wanted to discover things with him. They could go back and forth all they wanted, but until one of them was willing to put themselves out there for better or for worse, they’d never get past the standstill they were at. They’d almost gotten past it before, but if Lucas’ dad hadn’t shown up Lucas couldn’t be certain there would have been no other excuse to drive them away from one another once again. 

Sofie was right, and Esra was right. If he had nothing to believe in, what did he live for? He didn’t have to believe in anything big, just himself, but that task was more daunting than anything else. 

He would try, though. For himself, for Kaz, for everyone who’d played a part in the little thing he called life, good or bad. 

“Hey Esra,” he turned to look at her just as he was about to open his door. 

She looked up at him. “Yes?”

“Thank you.” 

Her face softened with a smile and she nodded, picking up her magazine again and flipping to a different page. 

Lucas flopped onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. For better or for worse, he was going to live his life.

**DONDERDAG 11:17 - Let me make it up to you**

_ \- now playing: trust nobody by king princess - _

Lucas didn’t realize he was zoned out staring into his locker until someone coughed beside him. He blinked, looking up, blushing when he saw who it was. Hopefully they hadn’t been standing there long, that would be embarrassing for both of them. 

“Long time no see,” Kaz said, tilting his head to the side as he smiled. He seemed vibrant that day, more so than usual.

“It’s been a long week,” Lucas said, because it had. 

Kaz nodded in agreement, then grew sheepish. “Listen, Lucas… I’m sorry about the other day—”

Lucas cut him off. “It’s ok, Kaz. I get it. I don’t know what’s going on inside your head all the time, and you don’t know what’s going on inside mine.”

“Still,” Kaz continued, “I feel terrible.”

“Don’t. Seriously,” Lucas urged. 

Kaz leaned against the lockers, head tipped back towards the ceiling, pensive. He stayed like that for a moment, then locked eyes with Lucas again. “At least let me make it up to you.”

Lucas began to smile against his will. “What do you have in mind?”

“What are you doing tomorrow night?” Kaz asked.

Lucas frowned. “My friends are having a housewarming Halloween party.”

To his surprise, Kaz didn’t look like this was bad news at all. “Great! We’ll pregame at mine.”

“Are you going to Sander and Jayden’s party?” Lucas didn’t think Kaz knew them outside the brief conversation they’d had the week before. 

Kaz shook his head. “No, but I’m always down for a pregame. I’ll have a costume, don’t worry.” He was grinning widely, leaning his shoulder and head on the lockers now, and he looked so adorable Lucas wished he could throw caution to the wind and just kiss him right then and there. 

“Should I, um, bring Sofie?” he asked. He wanted to know if Mila would be there but didn’t want to be too obvious about it. 

Kaz wrinkled his nose distastefully. “Why? I thought you guys weren’t a thing anymore?”

“I didn’t know if Mila would want another girl there or something…” It was a shitty excuse, but it did the trick. 

“Mila? Why would she be there?” Kaz asked with a laugh.

“Because she’s your girlfriend?”

Kaz crossed his arms, raising one eyebrow. “That’s where you’re wrong, my friend.”

Wait. What? 

His face must have looked incredulous, because Kaz looked amused, explaining further, “We broke up.”

“Oh,” Lucas said, because what the fuck else did he say? “When?”

“Sunday.”

Lucas suddenly remembered Kaz’s abrupt disconnection from their conversation and the subsequent breakdown that had followed on Lucas’ behalf. He felt like an idiot, but how could he have known that’s what Kaz meant when he said he was hanging out with Mila? Oh, god, Sofie was going to have a field day. 

“I’m… sorry?” Lucas said, because he realized he’d probably been smiling a bit too much. 

Kaz looked like he was biting back a smile of his own as he said, “What for?”

“Well, I don’t want you to be sad or anything,” Lucas said.

“I’m not sad,” Kaz promised, “Quite the contrary.” He paused, giving Lucas time to process. “You in, then? Tomorrow, my place, 21h?”

In the back of his mind Lucas remembered he was supposed to go to Sander and Jayden’s early to help them set up. He ignored this information. “Sounds great,” he said, and Kaz’s answering smile was well worth it. 

“See you then,” Kaz said, walking backward until he was nearly halfway down the hallway, just as he had the week before. “Happy Halloween!” he called before he was out of earshot. 

Somehow he didn’t bump into anyone, keeping his eyes on Lucas the whole time. Lucas couldn’t look away either, far too enraptured by everything that Kaz was. 

Tomorrow, they were going to hang out. Just the two of them. On purpose. Was it a date? Part of him said it felt like a date, while the other part said he was an idiot for thinking that. The problem with hope was that when he finally gave into it, his hopes went too high, and the crash was harder than it would have been had he not hoped in the first place. But on the other hand, if he was going to start living his life the way he wanted to, hope was necessary.

As much as he wanted to talk it through with Sofie, he decided to wait on it. There was a good chance Kaz was still just being friendly, and he was way overthinking it all. He didn’t want to look stupid when Kaz inevitably told him that he was into Isa or something. If that happened, he swore to himself he’d handle it all much better this time. 

He briefly debated talking to Ralph when he got home from school, but then ruled that out. As great as he felt after coming out to Sofie, he still wasn’t ready for that with someone who knew him a little better and for a little longer than she did. There was a small part of him that thought Ralph might already know more than he let on, anyway. Ralph and Liv both always seemed more in tune with him than he was with himself. It was kind of eerie, if he was being honest. 

He shut his locker door, leaning against it with his books in his hands. Tomorrow. It was like a mantra in his head, tomorrow, tomorrow, tomorrow. Tomorrow was nothing. Or, on the contrary, tomorrow could be everything. It was funny how often everything and nothing coexisted side by side like the angel and the devil on your shoulder. 

Fuck, that reminded him, he needed to find a costume. He wasn’t quite sure what he could be, but he was sure he’d come up with something with Liv and Ralph’s help. They definitely had more than enough clothes and accessories lying around to come up with something. Maybe he could be Gatsby, if that wasn’t too obvious. Though, at this point, maybe obvious was what he needed. 

**VRIJDAG 22:22 - Real**

Lucas was dressed as Harry Styles, only partially against his will. He had to admit that his longer hair worked very well to match Harry’s, and he’d been right to assume Liv and Ralph had plenty of things lying around that could be turned into a costume. Then again, it was entirely possible that Ralph had bought the exact outfit Lucas was now wearing to match Harry’s look in his most recent music video. 

He felt a bit weird in a mostly unbuttoned shiny blue blouse with matching suspenders and high waisted baby blue wide leg pants, but Ralph had said he looked great, so he was trusting that judgement. 

He’d been a bit stunned when he arrived at Kaz’s door, seeing Kaz in his costume. It wasn’t that he’d expected a simple suit with a ring to show that he was dressed up as Gatsby, but that was exactly what he’d expected. Instead, he was greeted by a much skinnier and less muscular version of Li Shang from Mulan, but equally as hot. 

Yes, he’d had a massive crush on Li Shang during his childhood. No, he hadn’t realized his obsession was a crush until much, much later, but Li Shang was the hottest leading Disney man, sue him. 

Kaz’s hair wasn’t quite long enough to tie into a full bun, so there was just a little knot on top of his head made up of the part of his hair that was a bit longer on the top than the sides. It was really cute. 

Neither of them had drank any of the beers Kaz had provided, too wrapped up in their conversations to take the time for it, but Lucas didn’t care one bit. 

“I have to ask,” Kaz said, leaning forward in his chair, “Why Harry Styles?”

Lucas blushed, trying to resist the urge to close his shirt. He was definitely much skinnier than his counterpart too. “It was my new roommate’s idea. They said my longer hair makes me look like him.”

“You look like a lot of people,” Kaz observed, and Lucas had to agree. He’d been told that even from a young age. 

“I think it’s the whole skinny white kid with brown hair and light eyes thing,” Lucas suggested, and Kaz laughed, rolling his eyes. “What about you?” Lucas asked. “Why Li Shang?”

“Well, even though I’m Malaysian, not Chinese, Asian characters are hard to come by, so I take what I can get. It doesn’t hurt that Li Shang is the hottest cartoon character of all time,” Kaz said seriously, and Lucas threw a pillow at him. “Hey!” he exclaimed. “I’m serious!”

“Danny Phantom begs to differ,” Lucas said, then blushed. Sure, he’d kind of insinuated his sexuality before, but this was different. This was him saying,  _ yes, I like boys, and one of my first crushes was on a fictional half ghost and also the character you’re dressed up as. _

Kaz whistled. “You’ve got me there. Danny Phantom was peak cartoon character excellence.” 

“I really like your costume,” Lucas said sincerely, glancing at his feet. 

“I really like yours too,” Kaz replied, just as shyly. They sat there, unmoving, unspeaking, until Kaz looked back up at him. “Hey, what time is it?”

Lucas pulled out his phone, widening his eyes when he read the screen. “22:22.”

He’d told his friends he’d be there at 22h at the latest. Thankfully, none of them had texted him, which meant they were probably already drunk enough that they didn’t note his absence. When Lucas looked back up at Kaz, his eyes were lit with an emotion Lucas couldn’t place.

“Are you serious?” Kaz asked, and Lucas nodded. Clapping, surprising Lucas in the process, Kaz stood up, making his way into the other room before poking his head out of the doorframe. “What time do you need to go?”

“Don’t worry about it,” Lucas said, because he didn’t want to ruin whatever Kaz had planned now. 

The light was still in his eyes, and he was smiling, but Kaz still confirmed, “You sure?”

“Positive.”

“Perfect. Follow me.” He tossed Lucas his motorcycle helmet and strode to the door, not even waiting to make sure Lucas was following. Lucas did regardless, hurrying after him like he was the sun, and he was Icarus. Maybe he’d fall, but how could he not want to take that risk for something so beautiful inside and out?

_ \- now playing: daydreamer by aurora - _

Lucas loved being on the bike even more this time, now that he kind of knew what to expect. He held onto Kaz with less hesitancy, feeling his heart race every time they cut a sharp corner or revved the bike, weaving through other people on the road. 

The exhilarating feeling didn’t leave, even when the bike stopped and Kaz gestured for him to get off. He shook out his curls when he freed them from the helmet, hoping they didn’t look all sweaty. Then again, maybe that was the look he was going for, if he was trying to replicate that specific Harry Styles. 

Kaz didn’t say a word, but held out a hand, and Lucas took it without question, the two of them lit up only by the moon. There was a building ahead, and Lucas assumed that was where they were headed, but he held onto Kaz’s hand regardless. 

Kaz’s thumb brushed the back of his palm absently, sending shivers down his spine that were entirely unrelated to the creepy atmosphere of the holiday they were celebrating. If Kaz felt them too, he didn’t show it at all. He looked completely unaffected by the fact that they were holding hands. 

They were holding hands, and then they weren’t, and Kaz was fumbling with something at the door to the building. It sort of looked like he was picking a lock, but Lucas decided not to notice anything too carefully, for plausible deniability’s sake. 

Finally, after a few minutes, Kaz exclaimed in victory. The door swung open, and Kaz gestured inside. “After you, Mr. Styles.”

Now, Lucas wasn’t usually one to go into what looked like an abandoned building late at night on Halloween, but he figured tonight could be an exception. He blinked when he walked in, squinting to adjust his eyes to the darkness when overhead lights switched on. He looked back and saw Kaz wiggling his eyebrows by a light switch near the door. Just as he was about to ask what this place was, he took a better look in the light and blinked again, in awe. 

It was a theatre, an empty, somewhat desolate theatre, but a theatre nonetheless. They were standing just outside the auditorium, where he could imagine people lining up for shows and ballets and everything in between. He’d only been to theatres like this when he was very young, when his mother had loved the arts and his father had loved his mother. He’d missed it dearly, and standing there made him think of all that he’d lost, but it also made him feel content, oddly enough. 

“How do you know about this place?” Lucas asked, gazing up at the paintings on the ceiling. 

Kaz came over to stand beside him. “I used to come to shows here a lot with my family, but it closed about a year ago and I haven’t stopped coming. Their locks are quite easy to pick, though I guess they probably didn’t think anyone was going to come to a random abandoned theatre for the fun of it.” 

Lucas didn’t respond, walking slowly to another door. “Does this go to the auditorium?”

Kaz nodded, then glanced away from Lucas. “You go ahead, I’ll meet you there,” he said distractedly, and Lucas nodded, too in awe to question anything. 

He pushed open the door and had to take a moment to reboot himself internally, gaping at the stage, the plush velvet seats, the thick red curtains open on the sides of the stage. It wasn’t like he’d never seen a theatre before, but somehow he felt like it was. The lights weren’t on, so it was kind of hard to see, but he made his way down the aisle and onto the stage before he could think better of it. 

The minute he reached center stage a spotlight flicked on with a loud noise, startling him so much he jumped in the air. From the lighting booth above the balcony, he heard a small laugh, and he knew it was Kaz. 

He flipped Kaz off, still under the heat of the spotlight, then blinked as more lights turned on, bathing the whole stage in a bright glow that was a mix of yellow and white rays.

Kaz joined him on the stage once he made his way down from the lighting booth, grinning ear to ear. “What do you think?”

“This place is amazing,” Lucas said, smiling just as wide. 

“It’s my favorite place in the world. Sometimes I come here to write, pretending my stories will someday be played out on a stage like this,” Kaz said, sitting down. Lucas joined him, pulling his knees up to his chin. 

“What do you write?” he asked. 

Kaz rested back on his hands, tipping his head up to the ceiling. “Anything. Everything. I’d love to publish a novel someday, or write a play, musical, film, whatever. I sometimes write poetry, but I’m more of a sucker for a good narrative, even just a short story. I’ve even written some fanfiction,” he said with a smirk.

_ “Fanfiction, huh?” Lucas bit his bottom lip, laughing slightly. “Let me guess, you rewrote The Great Gatsby _ to give it a happy ending?”

“No!” Kaz seemed offended Lucas would even suggest that. “The fact that it ends in tragedy is what makes it such a good story! All of the best love stories are tragic.”

Lucas frowned. “Agree to disagree.”

“Oh, yeah?” Kaz took that as a challenge. “Titanic, Romeo and Juliet, La La Land, Moulin Rouge, Call Me By Your Name, The Fault in Our Stars, West Side Story, Brokeback Mountain… the list goes on and on.”

Fair point. Though Lucas could argue that a few of those weren’t necessarily tragic, just didn’t have endings that favored the continuation of a love story between the two main characters. “I don’t even know why I’m surprised,” Lucas said with a shrug, and Kaz nudged him with his foot, laughing. 

Kaz jumped up suddenly, holding out a hand again. Lucas wanted to take it and never let go. “Dance with me?” he asked, and who was Lucas to refuse?

_ \- now playing: asking for space by galaxy fingers -  _

Kaz’s palm was in his palm, other hand resting on the small of his back, and Lucas felt like he was on fire. If there was ice in his veins, Kaz set them all ablaze until his blood ran hot and fast through his body once again, desire coursing into the cavities of his heart. 

Lucas didn’t know if the music was playing in his head or out loud, but either way it followed the pattern of his heart, a steady rhythm that Lucas kept time to, using it also to try to steady his breathing so Kaz wouldn’t know he was as affected as he was. 

Kaz was so tall, if Lucas leaned in a bit closer his head would fit perfectly in the crook of his neck, cheek resting on his chest in such a way that Lucas would be able to feel if Kaz’s heart was beating as rapidly as his was. 

“Too bad there’s no silk shirts to throw around,” Lucas said, and he loved the way Kaz laughed in response. 

They met each other’s eyes, and Kaz’s were amused. “Who’s the one with all the Gatsby references now?” he pointed out, quirking one eyebrow. 

“Still you,” Lucas said, loving the dimples that appeared when Kaz smiled the smile that he tried to hide. It was those smiles that meant the most, the ones that couldn’t be helped. 

Something on the ceiling caught Lucas’ attention, and he squinted up at it. Kaz followed his gaze. “What’s that?”

Kaz shrugged. “Not sure. Maybe a camera? Whatever it is, it doesn’t still work,” he reassured Lucas.

Lucas hummed, still swaying along with Kaz, hand in hand. His wandering eyes snagged again, this time on some things sitting in the wings of the stage. “What are those?” he asked, and Kaz turned around to look, keeping his hands on Lucas the whole time. He broke into another smile, pulling Lucas over to them.

“They’re old props,” he said, which Lucas could now see as well. 

There was an assortment of things, but the ones that caught Lucas’ fancy were the styrofoam rocks and swords. “I challenge thee to a duel, he said, picking up one sword and tossing Kaz the other. 

“You’re on.”

Neither of them knew how to swordfight, but that didn’t matter. Lucas tried to copy moves that he’d seen in Star Wars movies, pretending his sword was a lightsaber, and Kaz kept calling time out to laugh at him, which may have been annoying had it not been so endearing. 

Somehow the swords got tossed aside in favor of the rocks, which they decided to see who could throw them the highest. Bonus points if they hit the ceiling, extra bonus points if they hit the camera thing, or whatever it was. 

“I tried to take Mila here once,” Kaz said, eyes trained on his target high in the air. He looked at Lucas after he caught his fake rock. “She didn’t get it.”

“How could she not?” Lucas said without thinking, because it seemed so obvious. Even if this place didn’t mean much to her, surely she could have seen how much it meant to Kaz? They’d only been there for probably around an hour and a half, and even Lucas could see how at home Kaz looked and felt there. 

Kaz just shrugged, throwing another rock upwards. “One of the many reasons we weren’t meant to be, I suppose.”

“Is that how you’ll know you’re meant to be with someone, then?” Lucas teased. At least, he hoped it came off as teasing. He threw a rock. “If this place means as much to them as it does to you?”  _ Because it does to me _ , is what he didn’t say. 

Kaz threw another rock, completely nonchalant. “Maybe.”

And that wasn’t quite the answer Lucas was expecting, so he threw his next rock with much more force than he’d intended, hitting the thing on the ceiling square on. Kaz barely had time to break into a wide smile and say, “Nice!” before they realized it was definitely  _ not _ an out of use camera.

_ \- now playing: young and beautiful by lana del rey -  _

There were more sprinklers spread out around the auditorium than Lucas had expected there to be when the water first started spraying from the one he’d hit. Kaz and Lucas looked at one another with wide eyes, water washing over them. 

“Shit, shit, shit,” Lucas said, moving the props back out of the way. When he turned back to the stage he saw Kaz standing in the middle of it, lights shining off him as he laughed so hard Lucas was worried he might pop a blood vessel. 

“Shit, Lucas,” he gasped between breaths as Lucas came back out on the stage beside him. They both looked up to where the water rained down on them, soaking them from head to toe. Ralph was going to kill Lucas for ruining his clothes. 

When Lucas looked back down, Kaz was already looking at him, but there was something different about his gaze. It was more charged, full of intent.

“You know another thing those epic love stories have?” Kaz asked casually, taking a step closer to him. Lucas shook his head minutely unable to speak when Kaz was so close to him. 

Kaz reached up and brushed some of his wet curls from his eyes, tracing a finger from Lucas’ cheek to his jawline, then settling there. “An emotionally charged scene where the two leads kiss dramatically in the rain.”

“Yeah?” Lucas whispered, voice soft and full of emotion. 

Kaz nodded, coming closer still. Lucas glanced upward with his eyes to the water still raining down, persistent as ever. “Too bad it’s not raining,” he said, and the next thing he felt was a pair of lips pressed against his own. 

He barely had time to register the feeling, register Kaz’s hands, the other one coming up to rest on the other side of his face, clutching him like there was no tomorrow, before it was gone, and Kaz was pulling away. His face looked regretful, and Lucas realized maybe it was because he’d been so stunned he hadn’t kissed him back. That just wouldn’t do. 

Just as Kaz was taking a step back, Lucas grabbed the front of his costume with both hands, pulling him back in and kissing him the way he’d wanted to for a long, long time. The water disappeared, then the lights, then the stage, then the world, then everything but the two of them, encapsulated in a void of want, need, love, purpose, and pure joy. 

It was like they were made for each other, it really was. They anticipated each other’s desires before they had a chance to pull away or say anything. They were two parts coming together as a whole for the first time, coming home, and it felt so incredibly good. 

They broke apart to breathe, resting their foreheads together as they did so. Lucas had risen up on his toes at some point without realizing it, and their heads were now fairly level as they looked into each other’s eyes, making sure this was real, this was finally real. 

Lucas pulled Kaz in for a small, soft kiss, letting it linger as they pulled apart. 

“I think you’re beautiful,” Kaz said, voice hushed over the sound of water pouring onto them.

“You don’t even know what beauty is,” Lucas reminded him, wrapping his arms around his neck.

Kaz shook his head, causing Lucas’ head to shake as well, connected as they were. “I do now,” he said.

Lucas smiled and closed his eyes again.

It was real. It was.

_ \- now playing: afraid of everything by milo greene -  _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/48997495376/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	5. week five: i don't need your help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> writing the beginning of this chapter: 🥺  
writing the end of this chapter: 😈 
> 
> hope u guys don't hate me too much...

**ZATERDAG 12:02 - What do you want us to be? **

_ \- now playing: you’re the one that i want by lo-fang - _

Lucas’ bed had never felt more comfortable, even though there was one more person in it than there usually was. He and Kaz were facing one another, neither of them speaking, but the absence of words said quite a bit.

They’d stumbled into Lucas’ flat around midnight, careful not to wake anyone up if they were even there. Liv had probably gone to Sander and Jayden’s party, so it was possible she’d slept over at Isa’s, but Ralph was probably home, so they shushed each other with laughter in their eyes and desire etched in every line of their bodies. 

The motorcycle ride back to Lucas’ flat was excruciating and wonderful. It was excruciating because Lucas wanted nothing more than to kiss Kaz senseless the entire time, and it was wonderful because he was able to hold onto Kaz as tightly as he wanted to, resting his head on his back and smiling into the cape he wore on his costume. Sure, they were soaked, and so was the theater, but Lucas found it hard to notice from all the way up on cloud nine.

Their costumes were lying in still damp piles at the end of Lucas’ bed, discarded quickly upon entering the flat. Lucas smiled when he remembered Kaz’s soft expression asking if Lucas had any clothes he could borrow, and then his pink embarrassed face when the shirt and sweatpants leant to him were a bit too small. It made Lucas want to wear Kaz’s clothes very very badly. 

“Still wish I was Danny Phantom?” Kaz had asked as he slipped into Lucas’ sweatpants, leaving his costume in a pile.

Lucas had grinned, rolling his eyes with a fondness reserved for those he held closely to his heart. He thought about how lucky he was that Kaz had found him in and he had found Kaz and how everything might have gone completely differently in a parallel universe of sorts. “I’ll let another Lucas have Danny Phantom, you’re the only one I want.”

Which brought him back to the present, laying with his face close enough to Kaz’s face that they could probably kiss without having to move more than an inch. Kaz’s hand rested absently on his cheek, tapping little rhythms onto it with his fingers. Lucas closed his eyes and let himself be swept away by the touch, letting it take him somewhere he didn’t feel so alone all the time. Maybe that would change now, maybe he wouldn’t be alone anymore. 

“You’re so pretty,” Kaz said, and Lucas turned his face to his pillow to hide his smile. Normally he’d object to being called pretty, but when Kaz said it he liked it. When Kaz said anything he liked it. 

“I’m not,” he protested, turning his head to look at Kaz again. He wasn’t asking for compliments or anything, definitely not. 

“You are.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“N—” Lucas began when he was cut off by Kaz pressing their lips together. Lucas welcomed him gladly, bringing one hand up to comb through Kaz’s hair as they kissed. 

Kaz pulled away slowly, teasing. “You’re so pretty,” he said, and Lucas was struck too dumb by the kiss to argue. The only thing he could think to do was pull Kaz back into another kiss, and thankfully Kaz obliged him. 

Kissing Kaz was unlike kissing anyone Lucas had ever kissed. Granted, he’d never really kissed anyone he was really into like this, but not every kiss had been bad. His first kiss with a boy, a grindr date, had been his best kiss before Kaz, mostly because he’d been lost in the euphoria of finally kissing a boy. That night hadn’t ended the greatest, Lucas chickening out before they could go further than a blowjob, but he’d always remember it because it was the first time he’d allowed himself to consider a life where he didn’t hide from his feelings. 

Kaz, though, Kaz made him want to forget every kiss he’d ever had because they would never measure up in any way, shape, or form. He was everything Lucas had been missing, and now that he had it he was so scared to lose it. 

Minutes or years later, they were both lying opposite one another on the bed, heads aligned and feet pointing in opposite directions. It wasn’t the most comfortable kissing position, but they made it work. Lucas imagined it would look nice if they were in a film or something, being shot from overhead. 

They passed a joint back and forth, blowing the smoke into each other’s faces and laughing as they did so. Maybe Ralph would question him about smoking in his room later, but for that moment he wasn’t thinking that far ahead, which usually never happened. He was usually so hyper aware of any possible repercussions or consequences to the things he did, but it was hard to not live in the moment with Kaz. 

Lucas sat up abruptly, stubbing out the joint on a small tray he had on his bedside table. Kaz poked his head up and turned around, looking at him curiously. 

“Why do you like to write so much?” he asked. It was completely out of the blue to both of them, but Kaz didn’t question it. He simply turned his body around, laying back down on the bed the normal way and looked at the ceiling, holding out a hand for Lucas to come back to him. Lucas obliged, curling into him with such a vulnerability that he never usually allowed himself to feel. 

His head was right above Kaz’s heartbeat, one arm wrapped around his waist, and Kaz placed his arm on top, tracing lines up and down Lucas’ arm. His other hand was occupied in Lucas’ hair, where his fingers bounced along the curls like that’s what they were made to do. They fit together like puzzle pieces snapping into place. Maybe that’s what they were. 

Kaz looked down at him, contemplative. “I like to feel like I’m in control of my own story, you know?”

Lucas did know, but the idea also terrified him slightly. “How do you know you’re writing it correctly?”

“Is there a correct way?” Kaz countered, and Lucas looked away. Wasn’t there? He continued, “Mistakes are part of the fun. No one lives a perfect life, so why disappoint yourself by expecting a perfect life?” 

“That actually makes sense,” Lucas said, not meaning to speak aloud, but Kaz just let out a small laugh. 

“Of course it does, I’m full of wisdom.” A pat on the head, a kiss on the cheek. 

“Sure you are,” Lucas said sarcastically, even though he agreed. He couldn’t concede that easily. 

Kaz raised his eyebrows. “Ok then, enlighten me. What’s your wisdom?”

Lucas didn’t have much wisdom, but he did have a theory he believed in, a faith of sorts, if that’s what Esra meant the other day. “Parallel universes,” he said, pausing for dramatic effect. 

It achieved the desired result, as Kaz shifted to look at him more carefully, eyebrows scrunched in confusion. “Parallel universes?”

“You know,” Lucas explained, “Like, the multiverse theory. Every decision we make splits off into a new universe, so there are infinite versions of all of us across space and time, doing everything imaginable.” He sometimes wondered what those versions of himself were up to at any specific moment, but knew that if there were infinite versions of him, they were doing an infinite number of things. 

Lucas looked to Kaz for his reaction, and Kaz looked skeptical. “If there’s infinite versions of all of us, does anything we do even matter?”

Lucas had a feeling of deja vu, reliving his conversation with Esra, and he found that he understood her point of view a bit better now that he’d found something he believed in, even if it wasn’t a religion or god of sorts. “Of course it does, because this is the only one of those lives we get to live.”

“You know that means there are millions of parallel universes where we never met,” Kaz said softly, but Lucas shook his head. 

“Not possible.”

“But you just said—”

Lucas cut Kaz off again. “I make the rules now, I’ve decided, and Lucas finds Kaz in all of them.”

“Or maybe Kaz found Lucas,” Kaz suggested, and Lucas smiled.

“Or maybe Kaz found Lucas,” he agreed.

_ \- now playing: be mine by amandla stenberg - _

Kaz was doodling something and Lucas was watching him fondly. “Are you ever going to draw me?” he asked, trying to peek at whatever Kaz was doing. Kaz hid his notepad, glaring. 

“I’m not done yet!”

“What are you drawing?” Lucas prodded.

Kaz sighed dramatically. “If you’re patient, you’ll see.”

So, Lucas was patient. He debated taking out his phone and scrolling mindlessly, but he hadn’t looked at it since the night before and he was fully aware that his friends were probably beyond pissed at him for ditching their party. He didn’t want to deal with that, not when he was happier than he’d been in a long time.

Instead, he found himself humming along to whatever music Kaz had put on, settling into thoughts of days spent like this together, doing nothing at all other than enjoying the simple pleasure of one another’s company. 

A knock came on the door and Lucas sat up, blinking with wide eyes. “Luc?” Ralph’s voice yelled softly from the other side. “You alive in there?”

“Yeah,” he answered quickly, hoping Ralph wouldn’t barge in. Kaz watched him curiously, barely lifting his eyes from his drawing. 

“Are you ever coming out of there?” Ralph pressed, and Lucas faked a loud cough.

“I’m not feeling well,” he said, earning a bemused stare from Kaz, who he threw a pillow at. 

Ralph’s voice was hesitant at the door. “Ok… let me know if you need anything.”

“Thanks, will do,” he lied, waiting until he could hear Ralph’s footsteps walking away until exhaling in relief. He wasn’t sure why he was so relieved, but it did place a few questions in his mind. 

What would his friends say if he came to school on Monday, hand in hand with Kaz Janssen? Did he even want to walk to school hand in hand with Kaz on Monday? Kaz must have sensed the shift in his demeanor because he frowned, tossing his notepad to the side and rejoining Lucas on the bed. 

“You disappeared on me there,” Kaz said, laying on his side. Lucas flopped down onto his pillow, staring up at the ceiling. 

“What… are we,” he asked, cringing internally. It hadn’t even been twenty-four hours, Kaz was going to think he was insane. But he also had to know, because he needed to know where Kaz stood. 

Kaz eyed him carefully. “What do you want us to be?”

That wasn’t the answer he’d wanted, though he wasn’t sure what answer he _ did _ want. “I don’t know,” he admitted, and that clearly wasn’t the answer Kaz wanted either. 

“I’m not sure I’m ready to be out,” he said softly, feeling stupid for saying so. So many people were out with no problem, and it wasn’t like any of his friends were homophobic or anything, so he didn’t know why he was still so scared. 

Kaz nodded thoughtfully. “It took me a long time to be comfortable with the idea myself.” His hand found Lucas’ on the mattress and he wove their fingers together. “Do you mind if I ask how you identify… not that labels are important or anything—”

“I’m gay,” Lucas interjected, throat pinching as he said the words aloud for the second time in his life. “Are… you?” 

Kaz shook his head minutely. “Pan.”

“Oh, cool.” Now Lucas kind of felt like shit for using Sofie again, because at least Kaz had been attracted to Mila. Whatever, he and Sofie were past it anyway. Hopefully. 

Kaz pulled their joined hands to his face and kissed the back of Lucas’ hand. “Have I told you how beautiful you are?” he asked.

Only about a million times. 

“No, tell me,” Lucas said, forgetting in an instant the worries that had been on his mind. 

“I could show you,” Kaz suggested, and Lucas was unable to respond in any way other than a single, “Oh?” 

Kaz closed the space between them, kissing Lucas deeply, keeping their entwined hands pressed to his chest. “Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful,” he murmured against Lucas’ lips, voice soft and seductive. 

Lucas only realized much later, with Kaz asleep beside him, that they’d never come to any sort of conclusion about what they were to each other. He tried not to let it worry him, and let sleep whisk him away. Kaz threw an arm around him absently and Lucas smiled, pulling him closer and breathing in his scent. He could worry later.

**ZONDAG 9:33 - You can talk to me**

_ \- now playing: melting by kali uchis - _

Lucas woke up slowly, searching for Kaz’s warmth only to find that it wasn’t there. He frowned, opening his eyes to a bed that was empty save for himself. Kaz’s clothes from Friday were also gone, the clothes Lucas had lent him folded neatly at the base of the bed with a folded up piece of paper on top. 

He reached for it, any happiness that had resided from the day before slowly filtering out of his mind and body. There was a haiku scribbled on the side facing him, and Lucas rolled his eyes fondly, remembering a heated discussion they’d had the day before about whether or not haikus deserve rights. 

_ Lucas- _

_ You are beautiful _

_ More beautiful than Harry _

_ Harry Styles that is _

_ \- Kaz the haiku king (miss you already) _

Lucas had argued that they most definitely did not deserve rights, but maybe he was changing his mind. Now that he knew Kaz hadn’t just abandoned him in the night, he felt himself relax. He opened up the paper and found the drawing Kaz had hidden from him the day before. 

It was exquisite, much more so than anything Lucas had been expecting. It was a drawing of the two of them kissing, seemingly underwater, like in Romeo and Juliet. At the bottom of the paper, in Kaz’s artfully messy scrawl, _ Next time? _

He should have known Kaz would be the type of person to fantasize about ridiculous romantic scenarios, even as fall was shifting ever closer to winter. Sure, they could kiss underwater if they wanted to get hypothermia. 

Begrudgingly, he got out of bed, deciding he’d probably have to talk to someone other than Kaz soon otherwise there would be an intervention. He still hadn’t checked his phone, and didn’t want to.

The smell of something burning accosted his senses when he opened the door to his room, and he coughed for real, waving his hand in front of his face. When he entered the kitchen Liv was sitting at the table watching Ralph at the stove with a weary expression. 

He looked between the two of them. “Do you need help with that?” He asked Ralph, watching what he now could see were pancakes burn to a crisp. 

Liv held up a hand before he could do anything to help. “It’s his penance. I’ve been keeping track and, other than when he cleaned up breakfast last week, he hasn’t done chores in a month. So he has to make us an _ edible _ breakfast as penance.” 

Lucas frowned at what looked like dozens of blackened pancakes in the trash. “That might be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“Maybe so,” she shrugged, turning finally to look at him as he sat down. “Are you feeling better?”

He furrowed his eyebrows, then remembered his lie to Ralph. “Oh, yeah, much better. I think I just needed some rest.”

She hesitated, then took a sip of her tea, eyes lingering on him like she wanted to say something else. He tried to look like he wasn’t lying, but he didn’t know how good her bullshit detector was. Finally, she said, “The boys missed you at the party.”

“Oh, yeah. I’m really sad I had to miss it too,” he lied, biting his lip. At the stove, Ralph grinned to himself as he flipped one good pancake. 

She hummed, mostly to herself, then looked back up at him, gaze resting at the base of his collarbone. “Do you have a hickey?”

Ralph dropped the successful pancake he’d been in the middle of removing from the pan onto the floor, trying to play it off in a nonchalant manner. Lucas couldn’t check to see if Liv was right or not, but he assumed she was. The best he could to was subtly adjust his shirt while she wasn’t looking directly at him.

“No,” he said, voice higher pitched than he would have preferred. Usually he was better at lying. 

“Things are going well with Sofie then?” she asked, but she didn’t look pleased about it. He wondered if she didn’t like Sofie, or if she was still holding onto a bit of animosity that he could date someone when he’d helped break Isa and Kes up. He hoped it wasn’t the latter. 

“I guess,” he said, because even if he had been planning on coming out to her and Ralph, it would not have been like this.

She looked like she was about to say something more, then thought better of it. They sat in awkward silence, and Lucas was grateful when her phone rang, drawing her away from the table and into another room. 

Once she was gone, Ralph sat down in the seat she’d vacated, looking at Lucas knowingly. “You can talk to me, you know,” he said. 

Lucas’ heart picked up it’s pace. “About what?”

“Anything.” Ralph shrugged. “Whoever gave you that hickey, for example.”

“You heard Liv, it was Sofie—” he began, but Ralph cut him off. 

“Lucas, you don’t need to bullshit me, ok? I won’t press, but I saw your ‘friend’ leaving this morning,” he said quietly, “I’m just letting you know I’m here if you need an outlet.”

“I don’t know what you think you saw, but I had a friend come over and drop off notes for me this morning because I was too sick to work on them yesterday.” It was a shitty excuse, but Lucas was panicking internally. Why was he panicking?

Ralph nodded. “Ok. Sorry, then.”

“You should be,” Lucas continued angrily, not sure where the anger was coming from. “I’m not a f—”

He stopped himself before he could say something he was sure to regret, but Ralph heard it loud and clear. He stilled, deadly silent as the pancakes continued to burn on the stove. 

“I’m going to tell you something about those f- those people you seem dead set on alienating yourself from,” Ralph said, chillingly calm. Lucas flinched at his tone. “They’ve been fighting for hundreds of years to have the same rights as the people you’d consider ‘normal’. It’s been a long fight, a hard fight, but they’ve fought it. You know why? Because even though they’re different, outcasts of society, they’re fighting for love. And really, isn’t that the only fight worth a damn? That kind of fight takes more courage than people like yourself can even begin to comprehend. If I were you, I’d be really careful about acting superior to those people, because they’re the ones that understand your struggle more than anyone else. They’re the ones that can help you process whatever it is you’re feeling. So be careful, because otherwise those people won’t be there when you need them most. Understand?”

Lucas nodded weakly, feeling sick for real this time. “Ralph, I didn’t mean—”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now, if that’s ok.” Ralph stood up slowly, making his way back over to the stove. Taking that as his cue to leave, Lucas stood from his chair abruptly, hurrying out of the kitchen with tears stinging in his eyes. 

He was such a fucking idiot, and now Ralph thought he was a homophobe. I’m gay too, he wanted to shout, and he didn’t want to shout. Help me. I don’t know what I’m doing. 

But he couldn’t, because he was a fucking idiot. 

_ \- now playing: wishful drinking by tessa violet - _

**MAANDAG 12:12 - She was giving me eyes, dude**

The unread texts from the weekend were burning a hole in Lucas’ pocket, and he shifted in his seat as he waited for his friends to join him for lunch. He’d successfully avoided them in the morning, but he had to face them at some point, and he figured now was better than later. 

“Hey,” he greeted weakly as Kes joined him, sitting on the opposite side of the table. Kes gave him a pinched smile then turned his attention to his phone, avoiding eye contact. _ Shit _. 

Before he could try to make up an excuse, Sander and Jayden approached, talking jovially about something. Sander sat to Lucas’ left, Jayden beside Kes on the other side of the table, engaging him in conversation and ignoring Lucas. 

“She was giving me eyes, dude, I swear,” Jayden was saying, and Kes rolled his eyes. 

“She was _ not _,” Kes protested, and Lucas used this as his opportunity to try to enter the conversation. Usually he wouldn’t have bothered, but he could tell the boys weren’t acknowledging him intentionally. 

“Who?” he asked, and all eyes were on him in an instant. 

Sander broke the tension, taking pity on him. “Janna,” he answered. 

“Janna? Liv’s friend Janna?” he clarified. There was no way Janna was interested in Jayden in any capacity. 

“If you were at our party you might have seen it,” Jayden said, and there it was. Luckily, he’d prepared an excuse this time. 

“I’m really sorry about that,” he said, “I told Liv and Ralph I was sick, but it’s actually my mom…”

He looked at Kes meaningfully, and Kes seemed to get it. His face softened, looking guilty. “Dude, I had no idea—”

“I didn’t feel like saying anything, but I just couldn’t make it to the party,” he said, not wanting Kes to ask for any more details because that was all he’d prepared.

Sander frowned in sympathy. “What’s wrong with your mother?”

Lucas began to stammer out an answer when Kes stepped in. “Give Luc a break, he’s probably had a long weekend.”

“I was just asking…” Sander said under his breath.

“She’s ok now, that’s all that matters,” Lucas reassured him, and Sander nodded, still looking a bit downcast. “Tell you guys what, how about we pregame on Friday together to make up for my absence, my treat. We can consider it my housewarming party.”

The three boys exchanged glances, then nodded. “I’m down,” Kes said. 

“Me too.”

“Count me in.”

Lucas smiled at the three of them, hoping they’d be this forgiving when they found out everything he was really hiding from them. 

**WOENSDAG 15:26 - Are you crazy?**

To Lucas’ surprise, Kaz was waiting for him outside of his last class for the day. Kaz patiently waited for everyone to file out of the room, then pulled Lucas back inside, pressing their lips together and kissing him senseless. 

Kaz pushed him up against the wall, deepening the kiss as he did so, and Lucas saw stars. It was hard for him to remember anything other than Kaz’s name and his own. A few more seconds and he might forget that too.

In an unexpected moment of tenderness, taking away the heat and passion Lucas felt coursing through his veins with raging intensity, Kaz reached for Lucas’ hand lifting it and kissing the inside of Lucas’ wrist. It sent shivers down his spine. 

“Well hi there,” Lucas said stupidly, as Kaz’s mouth moved back to his. 

“Hi there,” Kaz breathed, barely a whisper. It was unreal to think how intimate he could feel with someone in an empty school classroom. Kaz’s hands traced up his ribs as they continued to kiss, and Lucas had to pull away before he had a problem on his hands. 

Kaz’s expression could have been compared to that of a lost puppy in that moment. “Are you ok?” he asked, and Lucas nodded quickly.

“Yeah, I’m just enjoying it all _ too _ much,” he said pointedly, gesturing vaguely. 

Kaz’s expression flipped and Lucas could tell he was biting the inside of his cheek to hold back a smirk. “Oh, yeah?”

“Shut up,” Lucas said, rolling his eyes, blush rising to his cheeks. 

“Make me,” Kaz said, and fuck if that wasn’t the hottest thing Lucas had ever heard. He grabbed the front of Kaz’s shirt, pulling him back into a searing kiss. Kaz responded enthusiastically, placing his hands on top of Lucas’, pressing their bodies together against the wall. 

This time Kaz was the first to pull away, bright flush on his face. “Shit,” he said, and Lucas raised his eyebrows. “You’re exquisite,” he continued, and Lucas Van der Heijden was found dead at 15:37 on a Wednesday in his literature classroom. 

Lucas stumbled back, leaning his head against the wall. “You can’t just say things like that.”

“Why not?” Kaz asked, looking genuinely confused. “I mean every word.”

_ That’s the problem _, Lucas didn’t say, because it wasn’t a problem, was it? Everyone wanted someone in their life to say things like that to them. The problem was that Lucas knew it didn’t last, that everyone left eventually, or changed their minds and stopped thinking you were worth anything at all.

“You are exquisite, my Lucas Van der Heijden, so incredible,” Kaz said dramatically, and Lucas lifted his head from the wall, eyes narrowed.

“Was that a haiku?” 

“Definitely not,” Kaz said with a shit eating grin. No one on earth should have been able to make Lucas feel the things he was feeling because of a silly haiku, but there Kaz stood.

“You’re such a dumbass,” Lucas said, because he couldn’t say what he actually thought. Kaz heard it regardless, stepping closer and entwining the tips of their pointer fingers on one hand. 

For a moment they sat and looked at one another, gazes allowed to wander freely now that the unspoken barriers they’d raised had been broken down. There was no wondering or second guessing anymore, so they watched and appreciated one another in silence, taking in the sight that they were free to try to learn to love. 

Lucas wasn’t actually in love, of course, but he felt a sort of tender curiosity.

“Do you want to come back to my place?” Kaz asked, breaking their mutual trance. 

Yes, he did, but he’d also promised Liv and Ralph he’d make dinner that night and he didn’t want to flake so early into their time living together. “I can’t,” he groaned, dropping his hand from its contact with Kaz. “I have roommate obligations.”

Kaz’s mouth twitched into a small frown for a nanosecond before brightening into a smile again. “I understand. Tomorrow, then?”

“Tomorrow,” Lucas agreed, opening the door. They walked out together, hands brushing clumsily because no one was around. Once they reached the entrance to the school building, Kaz looked at him with intention, then leaned in for a short, deep, heart melting kiss. 

Lucas was so taken aback by it that he responded eagerly, but then he remembered where they were, and he opened his eyes wide, pushing Kaz away and looking around. There weren’t many people around, but anyone could have seen them. 

“Are you crazy?” he hissed, eyes searching frantically. 

Kaz took a step back, expression hardening. He mumbled something under his breath, but Lucas was too panicked to pay attention to whatever it was. Once he clarified that no one was watching them, he turned back to Kaz, surprised to see fragments of anger in his eyes. 

“Sorry,” he apologized, “I’m just… not ready for that yet.”

“Whatever, Lucas,” Kaz said, and Lucas furrowed his eyebrows. That wasn’t the reaction he’d been expecting. 

“You don’t get to be mad at me about this,” Lucas said angrily, and Kaz rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Kaz. I told you I wasn’t ready to be out yet.”

“You think that’s what I…” Kaz trailed off, the fire that had been lit in his eyes extinguishing itself as he backed away, blinking. “I’m sorry,” he said, a bit robotically. “I wasn’t thinking.”

Lucas softened, even though Kaz still didn’t sound quite like himself. “It’s ok… I’m sorry for overreacting, I just—” he cut himself off, gesturing vaguely. 

Kaz nodded and gave him a tight smile, opening the door for Lucas to walk through before following himself without saying a word. The easy silence between the two of them was stretched on a taut string and Lucas panicked on the inside. Kaz had said he was fine with keeping what they had between the two of them, or at least he’d implied it, but now Lucas wasn’t so sure. 

“I’m sorry,” Lucas tried again as they walked to the bus stop together. He didn’t ask why Kaz wasn’t going to his motorcycle, and Kaz gave no explanation. Lucas didn’t like this feeling, like the world was crashing down around him. All of his insecurities were amplified on a loop in his mind, and Kaz’s silence wasn’t helping at all. 

“Stop saying you’re sorry, Lucas,” Kaz said at last, just as they arrived at the bus stop. 

He didn’t know what else to say, was the problem. He was so used to making everything better by apologizing, even when he wasn’t in the wrong. It just made things easier, most of the time, but clearly it wasn’t working right at that moment.

“I don’t know what else to say,” he admitted. 

Kaz finally looked at him, really looked at him, and sighed. “There’s no one here, is it ok if I kiss you?”

In that moment, Lucas would have said yes even if there were people there, which scared him the most of all of the thoughts circling around in his brain. He nodded. “Yes.”

Kaz leaned down, wrapping one hand around his waist, the other brushing his cheekbone, lips meeting for a fleeting second until they were torn away, leaving Lucas starving for more. 

“Bye, Lucas,” Kaz said softly, walking backwards, “I’ll see you tomorrow? I can’t do anything right after school, but I can pick you up at 17h?”

Lucas nodded dumbly, eyes following every step Kaz took. “See you tomorrow,” he said, and Kaz was gone.

_\- now playing: another sad love song by khalid -_

**DONDERDAG 16:00 - I’m sorry**

The turmoil present inside Lucas’ mind had carried through the entirety of the next day, only relenting when he and Isa had a stupid conversation in biology about how long it would take a hedgehog to cross Europe. He was supposed to see Kaz in exactly an hour, but he was having second thoughts about everything. 

He knew that he liked Kaz, really really liked him, and he knew that Kaz had made him feel things that no one else ever had before. But he also knew that he was afraid, and that everyone left eventually. If he’d learned anything in his life, it was that it was better to leave than be left behind. It was only a matter of time before those awkward tense moments with Kaz became normal, and only a matter of time before Kaz realized that Lucas was too fucked up to deserve his attention, his love. It was better to leave before love got involved, even if he was just fooling himself into thinking it wasn’t already present. 

Lucas pulled out his phone, sitting up from where he’d been lying on his bed gazing aimlessly at the ceiling. He pulled up Kaz’s contact and stared at their text threads a moment, beginning from after Kaz had left on Sunday and carrying on through Wednesday, stopping abruptly after their weird moment when Kaz had kissed Lucas at school. 

Before he could lose his nerve, he began to type.

**Lucas:** hey kaz, sorry but i can’t actually hang out today. i think i need some time to myself actually, maybe we’re going a bit too fast. sorry, you deserve better than me anyway. 

He sent it without thinking about it, throwing his phone across the room after he did so. He regretted it immediately, wanted to take it back, but it was too late for that. The phone was face up on the floor, but it didn’t light up with any response. Lucas couldn’t decide if that was a bad or good sign. What was a bad or good sign in this scenario?

He heard the door open and Ralph whistle as he walked into the apartment. Lucas abandoned his other thoughts immediately, hopping off his bed and going after Ralph before he could avoid him again. 

“Ralph!” he called before Ralph could close the door to his room. Ralph looked up at him curiously, if not a bit distastefully. Lucas’ heart sank, the last thing he wanted was for Ralph to hate him. “Can we talk? Please?” he pleaded, and his urgency must have shown in his eyes because Ralph sighed and gestured for him to come into his room. 

Lucas had never actually been in Ralph’s room up to that point, and it was cleaner than he’d expected. Apparently Ralph only cared about cleanliness when it came to his own space. 

“What do you want?” Ralph asked pointedly, setting the bag he’d been carrying down and scrolling through his phone aimlessly. 

“Well, first I want to apologize,” he said, and Ralph looked up at him, setting his phone down. 

“Go on, then.”

Lucas took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for everything I said— and didn’t say— the other day. I was way out of line, and I know it’s not an excuse, but I was scared. I still am. Every thought in my head is running some sort of race there’s no way to win and I don’t know if I’m making the right decisions at all. I’m probably not, I’m probably an idiot, but I don’t know how not to be afraid. I thought… I thought I found someone who I felt less afraid with… but that made me scared too. I’m sorry Ralph, I really, truly, am, and also, I’m gay.”

Ralph stared at him for a second, then groaned. “Ugh, you’re making it really hard for me to stay mad at you.” He held out his arms and Lucas didn’t know what that meant. Was he stretching out to slap him or something. His confusion must have shown on his face, because Ralph rolled his eyes and wiggled his fingers. “I’m trying to give you a hug.”

“Oh,” Lucas said as he was engulfed in a warm, welcoming hug. He wrapped his arms around Ralph, letting himself sink into the feeling of being held in a way that wasn’t romantic, but sort of familial. It had been a long time since he’d been held like that. He felt tears spilling down his face before he could even think of stopping them. 

Ralph let him go, noticing the tears before he could wipe them away. “Lucas, I’m so proud of you,” he said, and that only made Lucas cry harder. Ralph guided him to the bed, letting him sit down and waiting for him to speak without asking any questions or prying into his emotional reaction.

“You’re the second— well, third technically— person I’ve told,” Lucas said between sobs. 

“I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me,” Ralph said. 

Should Lucas have trusted Ralph as much as he did in such a short amount of time? Probably not, but he did. “The boy you saw on Sunday, he and I have kind of been… together.”

“Together?”

“I mean I guess I would say we were kind of dating, but we never really clarified anything, it hasn’t even been a week. But we aren’t going to clarify anything, because it’s over,” he explained. 

Ralph looked confused. “What happened?”

_ I run away when I get scared. I knew he’d leave eventually _. Lucas shrugged. “I need time. I have so much going on in my life right now, I don’t have time for that.”

“Lucas, you can’t just run away from things that make you happy because you’re scared,” Ralph sighed, seeing right through him. If only it was that easy. 

“He’d leave me anyway,” Lucas said, mostly to himself, but Ralph grabbed his hand. 

“Lucas, I don’t know you very well yet, but from what I do know you’re a kind, intelligent, and somewhat lost person. Usually your good qualities hide what’s happening under the surface, but the more you internalize, the more pressure it going to build up until you can’t take it anymore. Believe me, I know what I’m talking about, have you met Liv? You don’t have to talk to me about it if you don’t want to, but you should have someone you can talk to, whether it be Kes, or Liv, or that boy of yours. He’s hot by the way, you scored big time.” 

But Kaz wasn’t his anymore, was he? Would he fight for Lucas or would he let Lucas’ fight or flight response be the end of whatever they had now. Lucas could run for his phone and write an excuse to take back what he’d said, but part of him wanted to see if Kaz was willing to fight for him, or if this was the out he’d been waiting for. 

“Does that make sense to you?” Ralph asked, snapping Lucas back into focus. 

He forced himself to nod. “I’ll think about it,” he said, because it was the best he could give. Ralph simply squeezed his hand and let it go, sensing Lucas was at his limit. Lucas stood and went to the door, thinking about what else he had to say, or if he had anything to say at all. 

“Ralph?” he turned over his shoulder when he got to the door. Ralph looked at him, eyes soft. “Thank you,” he finished, and Ralph smiled. It was more than he could have hoped for upon entering the room. 

“I’ve got your back, Lucas. Remember that.” 

“I will,” he said. He’d try, at least. 

When he got back to his room he scooped his phone up from where it still sat on his floor, closing his eyes before checking to see if he had any messages. A deep breath in. A deep breath out.

Nothing. 

There were no messages from Kaz or anyone. Kaz didn’t usually have his read receipts on, but when Lucas checked their messages he saw that Kaz had read his nearly ten minutes ago. He supposed Kaz might have been taking his time to respond, thinking of what to say, but it seemed more likely he’d turned on his read receipts to make a statement. 

He’d been offered a choice to fight or flee, and he’d chosen exactly what Lucas had expected him to choose. 

**VRIJDAG 21:54 - Walk it off**

_ \- now playing: sweatpants by childish gambino - _

Lucas was not in the mood for a pregame, even though he’d been the one to offer to host it. None of the boys seemed to notice he wasn’t in the mood, and they talked amongst themselves, mostly about girls and other things Lucas didn’t care about. Something about coming out to any of them still seemed daunting, and he was in no rush now that Kaz didn’t want him anymore. 

He felt like an idiot for sending the message in the first place, but if he hadn’t Kaz would just have found another way to leave, so it was for the best. Standing up to get another beer from the kitchen, he felt a hand on his arm. 

“Wait up, I’m coming with you,” Sander said, groaning as he stood up from the couch. Lucas barely acknowledged him, walking steadily toward the kitchen. Once they were alone, Sander leveled him with a stare.

“What’s going on?” he asked, point blank. 

Lucas played dumb. “What do you mean?”

Sander rolled his eyes, leaning against the counter. “There’s something going on with you. Sure, as long as I’ve known you you’ve always been on the quiet side, but you ditch your friends randomly without explanation, you move out of your home and into a flat without telling any of us, even Kes, you miss our housewarming party and fail to give any sort of real explanation because I know damn well you weren’t sick, and now all of a sudden you’re pissed off at the world but pretending not to be.”

Lucas barely had a chance to try to think of a way to reply before Sander continued to speak. 

“Kes notices too, but he’ll never say anything to you about it because he knows you don’t like to talk about it and he’s a good friend like that. I have no such reservations, because I figure even if you end up hating me I can win you over again with enough free booze and weed,” Sander explained, and Lucas couldn’t argue. That sounded about right.

“Listen, Sander, I just have a lot going on right now, ok?” he tried to argue, but Sander wasn’t letting him off the hook.

“Yeah, I kinda guessed that, but it’s not going to get better if you don’t talk to any of us? Or anyone at all, talk to fucking Engel for all I care.” Sander and Ralph would probably get along quite well. “Is it about Sofie? Because you don’t have to hide it if things aren’t going well.”

Lucas nearly laughed. If only it was about Sofie. 

“You guys talking about Sofie? We’re going to her party, right?” Jayden said, walking into the kitchen and interrupting them. Sofie had told Lucas about her party, but he hadn’t thought to bring it up to any of the boys. He should have known they’d want to go.

Sander eyed him, waiting for him to speak up and make a decision. “Sure,” he decided,” Let’s go.” It might put him at ease to see her, so long as she didn’t question him about Kaz.

Jayden whooped and Sander rolled his eyes but didn’t say anything more, fixing Lucas in a scrutinizing stare. When Lucas said nothing further, he sighed and raised his beer. “Let’s go to Sofie’s then.”

\- now playing: doses and mimosas by cherub - 

Lucas walked a few steps back from his friends as they approached her house, hiding his hands inside his sleeves to keep them warm. Jayden knocked on the door with a wide smile on his face, only widening more when Janna opened the door. 

Kes and Lucas exchanged a bewildered look and it was almost like everything was back to how it had always been. Then Sofie appeared in the doorway, smiling at them all, Lucas in particular, and the spell was broken. 

“You guys made it!” she said excitedly, welcoming them inside. The boys kept their eyes on her and Lucas as the two of them interacted, and Lucas debated kissing her before thinking better of it. 

“Wouldn’t miss it,” he settled for instead, letting his smile linger as he looked at her. 

She pointed into the other room where the party was in full swing. “Drinks in the kitchen, dancing in the living room. There’s not much else, but that should suffice.”

“That’s more than enough,” Sander said with a wink, leading the boys and Janna to the kitchen. Sofie grabbed Lucas’ arm holding him back a moment. 

“You didn’t tell me you were coming,” she said once they were alone. 

“Sorry about that, we decided last minute,” he apologized, but she wasn’t listening.

She continued, “Kaz is here.”

That was something Lucas was not expecting. Ever since Kaz had left him on read he’d been battling with wanting to see him more than ever and not ever wanting to see him again. Well, that was a lie, Lucas would always want to see him. 

“Oh,” he said.

“Oh?” she frowned. “That’s all you’re going to give me? I just told you that the boy you like is here, make a move or something.”

“I don’t like him anymore,” he lied, words flowing on their own accord. 

She rolled her eyes. “Lucas, seriously. I get that it’s scary, but you wooed me even though you’re gay, you’ve got this.”

“Shhh,” he hissed, pulling her closer and away from everyone. “Don’t talk so loud.”

“Lucas, I have no intention of outing you, you should know that by now.”

“Then stop fucking meddling in my life.” His words were coming harsh and fast, but there was no way to stop them. “I don’t need you or your help with anything. I told you I don’t like Kaz, so thanks for inviting him, go for him yourself for all I care, but leave me the fuck alone.” 

When he finally looked at her he saw her blinking rapidly, eyes red. “Fuck you, Lucas. You have no right to say things like that to me. You led me on to hide the fact that you’re gay, you used me, not the other way around. I don’t know what’s going on with you, but I’ve tried and tried to be there for you because romantically or not, I like you. I wanted to be your friend, and I thought you wanted to be mine. Turns out my friends were right when they told me you were a dick.”

“Sofie—”

“Fuck off, Lucas. I don’t want you here anymore, so either find your friends and leave, or just leave.” She stormed off, fury in her eyes, and tears on her cheeks. This was great, fantastic. He’d driven away only person he’d really opened up to recently, all because he was still so fucking scared. She was right, he was a dick.

He clenched his fists in frustration, making his way into the crowded living room to try to find her and explain himself better. He couldn’t leave things like this. When he was able to locate her, his stomach dropped. She was over on the other side of the room, talking to Kaz.

She said something to him, and he said something to her, and Lucas was worried she was still trying to meddle with his love life when she pulled him close and kissed him full on the lips. Kaz’s eyes widened in what looked like shock, and then he looked up, meeting Lucas’ gaze across the room. 

Lucas wasn’t sure what his face looked like at that moment, probably pretty similar to Kaz’s, but the moment their eyes met Kaz’s gaze hardened, fire lit from within. It wasn’t the fire Lucas knew, the one that gave life and light to everything around him, it was a dark, angry fire that threatened to burn them down. 

It felt like an eternity that they stood there looking at each other, and in that time Lucas regretted ever pulling away from Kaz. He wanted to be the one over there kissing him, even if everyone was watching. 

Then Kaz blinked, then he closed his eyes, cupping Sofie’s face with his hands, and kissed her back, shattering Lucas’ heart in two. 

He did the only thing he knew how to do in that moment, he ran. 

He ran right past the girls, right past the boys, right past the door and into the night. He felt a hand on his shoulder and he thought, for a fleeting second, that it might have been Kaz. But no, it was Sander.

“Hey, dude, you good?” Sander asked concern lacing his voice. Kes and Jayden stood just off to the side, observing with equal concern. 

“Fuck off Sander,” Lucas hissed, wrenching his arm away. 

Sander looked hurt for a moment, then his face hardened. “You know what Lucas? Fine, I’m done trying. Go fuck off and be miserable somewhere else but don’t expect me to be there when you come back crying. Get a grip man, we’ve all got shit going on, you’re not special.”

“Sander—” Kes tried to interfere, but it was all too much for Lucas. Fight or flight. Fight or flight. Fight. For once in his life. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he reached out and shoved Sander, who fell to the ground with a look of shock. Kes got between them before Sander could stand up and retaliate. 

“Lucas,” Kes said calmly, searching Lucas’ eyes with his. “Walk it off.”

Lucas’ heart was racing rapidly with adrenaline. Pushing Sander had felt good, even though he knew it was a bad thing to do. He said nothing and Kes placed both hands on his shoulders, imploring him. “Lucas. Go home, ok? We can figure this all out later. Walk it off.”

So he did, storming off away from his friends and the boy who could have been his one true love if he’d allowed it. The cold air barely stung him as he walked, still fuming and high off all the emotions coursing through his body. 

He let out an exasperated scream once he was far enough away from the party, screaming until his screams turned to sobs, and the sobs didn’t stop coming, and he sank to his knees on the sidewalk, hating himself more than he ever had. 

_ \- now playing: on my own by jaden ft. kid cudi - _

**skam nl will resume friday november 22**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and hell week arrives...
> 
> did anyone catch the gatsby reference 👀 
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	6. week 6: i can't tell if you're being serious right now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hiatus has ended!!
> 
> it's hell week but it's also healing week, so i hope this chapter does more healing than hurting ;)
> 
> thanks so much for continuing to read and comment, it means the world <3

**ZATERDAG 15:42 - I’m not sure I’m following.**

_ \- now playing: berlin by ry x - _

Lucas hadn’t left his room in a week other than for food or the bathroom. The irony of the matter was that he actually was sick, physically, though he’d fully intended on faking it. Turns out being soaked to the bone and riding home in the cold on a motorcycle was a surefire way to catch an illness. Who knew. 

He hated himself for hoping so, but he hoped Kaz was sick too. Then again, for all he knew Kaz and Sofie were happily in love. The worst thing was that he couldn’t even fully blame either of them. Sure, it was shitty, but he’d told Sofie to go for Kaz, and he’d distanced himself from Kaz with no real explanation. He deserved to feel this way, as tortuous as it was.

Notifications were surely piling up on his phone once again, but he had no energy for any of it. Liv and Ralph had stayed out of his way for the most part, neither of them knowing what had gone down at Sofie’s party, and he figured the boys were still mad at him, Sander especially. In that case, maybe he wouldn’t have many notifications after all. He’d turned off his phone when he’d gotten back from the party and hadn’t turned it back on yet, not wanting to be tempted to seek out Kaz or Sofie or see the two of them plastered together on social media. 

He was feeling mostly better now, and he knew that meant he’d have to go to school on Monday, so he relished in the misery of his Saturday afternoon, praying it lasted longer and longer and maybe never ended so he would never have to face the consequences of his actions.

There was a knock on the door and he ignored it, assuming it was Ralph. Liv had knocked a few times to let him know she left food outside his door, but she always announced herself. Ralph had a tendency to knock as if Lucas was going to answer, but upon being ignored left without complaint and stopped coming as often. 

Another knock.

Ralph didn’t usually knock twice, so Lucas groaned. “Yes?”

“Can I come in?” That definitely wasn’t Ralph  _ or _ Liv, and Lucas was surprised enough to walk over to the door and open it, welcoming Noah into his shoebox of a bedroom. 

“Is everything ok?” Lucas asked, sitting back on his bed. 

Noah raised his eyebrows. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

Fair enough. Lucas didn’t know why he cared, though. It wasn’t like they’d really ever been friends, and sure they were friendlier now that Lucas had turned to Noah in a time of crisis, but he’d just assumed Noah would go on with his life and forget about Lucas’ problems. 

“I brought you soup,” Noah offered, holding up a thermos. Lucas smiled minutely at the container, accepting it as Noah extended it in his direction. Noah looked around the sparse room curiously, bottom lip between his teeth. 

“Did you need something else?” Lucas prompted, setting the thermos on his bedside table.

Noah sat on the very edge of his bed, looking a bit uncomfortable. Lucas raised his eyebrows, waiting for Noah to continue or to back out entirely. “We haven’t spoken in a while, and I just wanted to make sure everything was ok on the family front.”

Oh, right. He’d been so in his head about Kaz recently that he’d put his other issues to the wayside, ignoring them as if they no longer mattered. He found that he wouldn’t mind venting a bit to Noah, because Noah didn’t really know him. He didn’t already have an idea of who Lucas was, aside from the more superficial things he knew from pleasantries and shared friends.

Lucas shrugged, pulling his comforter back over his legs. “I haven’t heard from either of my parents since I moved out, which is as good as I can expect, I guess.”

“Are they helping support you in any way?” Noah asked, twisting the rings on his fingers absently.

“Financially,” Lucas answered, and Noah nodded. 

“So everything is… ok then?” 

Lucas huffed a small laugh. “I was actually sick, you know.”

“I never said you weren’t,” Noah said gently, “But all the things Liv went through earlier in the year, they were really bad and he holed herself away trying not to let anyone care or know she was hurting, and I don’t want to make the same mistake and not be there if someone needs my help. Even someone I don’t know very well.”

Noah looked up at him, face full of kindness turning slowly to concern. Lucas wondered why for a brief moment until he realized that he was crying. Funny how that happened so often these days. Maybe he would never stop, just cry and cry until he looked like the shriveled up excuse of a human he felt like most days.

“I’m sorry,” he said, brushing his tears away. 

Noah settled himself further on Lucas’ bed. “Has anyone ever told you that you need to stop apologizing for everything?”

Not in those words exactly, but what else was there to be done? Lucas apologized because no one else ever did, because people deserve apologies when they’ve been hurt. Maybe his apologies could make up for the ones he’d never received. 

“What’s wrong, then, if not your family? And don’t bullshit me, because you’re literally crying,” Noah said matter-of-factly, and Lucas weighed his options. Everything with Kaz was over, so it was really no use to talk about it, but it also might be nice to have someone completely objective to talk to, someone who wouldn’t try to fix what was broken beyond repair. 

“Did you ever fuck things up with Liv?” Lucas asked instead, deciding to feel out the situation. Judging by the way Noah’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, maybe this wasn’t the best tactic. 

Instead of telling Lucas off, Noah laughed. “What did she tell you?”

“I haven’t talked to her about your relationship,” he said, hoping Noah would connect the dots without him having to say anything out loud. 

Noah shrugged, laying down. “I did. Really badly. When everything happened with my brother, I didn’t listen to her and she felt like she had to earn back my forgiveness for something that wasn’t her fault. I still don’t think I'm deserving of  _ her _ forgiveness, but I’m glad she did forgive me, because my life would be shit without her.” 

“Ok, Romeo,” Lucas said, laughing between sobs. The tears were still coming, but less aggressively so, almost fully dried. 

“Shut up,” Noah said with an exasperated laugh. “I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you’re not asking to get to know me better?”

Lucas crossed his arms but didn’t say anything, not wanting to give himself away quite yet. Noah continued, “Ok, then. Tell me how right I am: you or Kes messed up and you’re not sure how to get through this so you’re avoiding it instead of addressing it? If you messed up, you think he’ll never forgive you, and if he messed up, you aren’t sure whether or not you want to forgive him.”

“Hold up— Kes?” Lucas was very confused. 

Noah poked his head up, brows creased in confusion as he looked at Lucas. “Yeah?”

“Do you think I’m dating Kes?” Lucas clarified, trying to wrap his brain around it.

“Aren’t you?” Noah asked slowly, and Lucas couldn’t help it. He burst out laughing. Noah’s brows creased further. “I’ll take that as a no? Sorry if you’re not gay—”

“No I am gay, but I’m not dating Kes,” Lucas corrected as he continued to laugh, too thrown off by the whole conversation to register the fact that he’d just come out to Noah accidentally, without a second thought. 

“So who are you dating?” Noah asked.

“No one,” Lucas said distractedly, “Can we go back to how you thought I was dating Kes?”

Noah ignored him. “So this has nothing to do with a boy?”

“No it does—” Lucas cut himself off before he could say more and dig himself into a hole he couldn’t get out of. He backtracked. “How did you know I was gay?” 

“I didn’t think you were hiding it. And I also thought it might have had something to do with why you suddenly needed a place to live,” Noah explained. The sad irony was that it didn’t actually have anything to do with that, though it probably wouldn’t have helped. Noah added, “Plus, I did think you and Kes were a couple.”

“You and I met while Kes was dating Isa?” 

Noah shrugged. “We met while Engel thought I was dating  _ her _ .”

Fair point. Lucas had kind of forgotten about pre-Liv Noah, and how he was kind of a dick. They hadn’t really had many opportunities for interaction during that time, but Isa had told him plenty. 

“It’s someone else,” Lucas said finally, returning to the topic at hand. “We had a thing, but then I got scared and pushed him away, and he kissed my ex girlfriend at a party while they both knew I was watching.”

Noah raised his eyebrows. “Oh?”

“It’s kind of a long story, but those are the basic details.” Lucas was keenly aware of how crazy it sounded when he said it out loud. “And the ex girlfriend might have kissed him because I told her to.”

“I’m not sure I’m following,” Noah admitted. 

So Lucas sighed, considering how to begin. At the beginning, maybe, was the best course of action. He didn’t name Kaz, but Noah wouldn’t have known who he was talking about anyway so it didn’t really matter. He told Noah everything he realized he’d been dying to tell  _ someone _ , and he felt some pressure release from his chest as he did so. 

Noah listened actively, only chiming in for clarifications or acknowledgements, never interrupting or zoning out. Lucas appreciated it immensely. Other than with Kaz, he couldn’t think of the last time he’d had a conversation with a single person this long. Even his conversations with Kes were stilted these days. 

When he finished talking, Noah stayed silent a beat longer, considering everything. “So, your biggest problem is that you didn’t want to be out yet, but he did?”

“I mean, partially, but I don’t know. I’m getting more comfortable with the idea… I talked with Ralph last week and he said some things that made me reevaluate my thinking. Things just got weird all of a sudden, and I don’t know if it’s because I got distant, or because I didn’t want to kiss him at school, or something else entirely.” Lucas rubbed his face with the heels of his hands. Being out no longer seemed daunting, it was just the process of coming out that he didn’t want to have to deal with. Maybe it would have been easier with Kaz by his side, but that was no longer an option.

“Keep in mind that I’m not the best with advice and you can totally ignore me,” Noah began, spreading his hands, “But I think you should try your best to forget about this boy, at least until you decide what  _ you _ want. Obviously, I won’t tell anyone what you’ve told me, but you need to choose what you want to do with everything you’ve told me. I’m not saying to forget about him forever, because I don’t think he’s over you either, but give it time. Blind forgiveness is just as bad as none at all. Any unresolved problems will still be there under the surface, threatening to explode in your face at the first sign of trouble.”

Noah was right. If he didn’t even know what he wanted, how was Kaz supposed to? The corner of Lucas’ mouth quirked up. “For someone who’s bad at advice, you’re pretty good at advice.”

“Tell that to Liv,” Noah said, and Lucas laughed fully, flopping back on his pillows. 

Somehow, he and Noah stayed there the rest of the afternoon talking about anything and everything. It felt good to connect with someone when there was no expectations involved or any secrets weighing on his mind. 

**MAANDAG 8:16 - I have to go**

_ \- now playing: the sailor by rich brian - _

Any confidence Lucas had built up over the weekend was waning. Ralph and Liv had embraced him with open arms and no questions when he’d finally emerged from his room on Sunday, and he’d spent the day preparing himself to reenter society. Actually, the only question they’d had was why Liv had gone looking for Noah in the morning, only to find him passed out at the end of Lucas’ bed, Lucas asleep on the other side. 

In both of their defense, Lucas’ bed was pretty comfortable, and they’d been up for hours talking. Lucas honestly didn’t even remember which of them fell asleep first, but waking up with Liv standing over them, face rife with confusion, was something neither of them would live down for a while. Truthfully, Lucas didn’t care that much. He and Noah had gotten to know each other a whole lot, and found that sort of comfort normally found with someone you know for years in a single night. 

Now, though, he was alone again. Not totally alone, because Liv had ridden the bus to school with him, but they’d parted ways at the bus stop, her going to find her friends and him trying to work up the nerve to enter the school building. 

It was a bit ironic that he was blasting music Kaz had introduced him to, but it was exactly what he needed at the moment, so he turned the volume up even louder. He closed his eyes, throwing up his hood and taking a deep breath, hand on the door handle. 

He pushed the door open, blinking at the fluorescent lights and trying to keep his head down as much as possible. As much as possible was clearly not enough, because the first thing he saw was Kaz, like they were magnets and he had no other choice. Kaz wasn’t looking at him thankfully, but he was smiling. He was much better off without Lucas, Lucas could see that now. He gestured lightly with his hands as he spoke, face lighting up with every word. Lucas missed making Kaz’s face light up like that. He was also wearing his glasses, which Lucas had never seen him wear in person, but he’d seen in pictures on Mila’s Instagram. 

It made his heart race more than he would have appreciated at that moment. 

He blinked away before kaz could catch him looking, only to find his eyes trained on Sofie and her friends. Great. She was smiling too, it seemed like everyone had a life worth smiling about but him. Lucas wondered why she wasn’t with Kaz, wondered if they were in a relationship now. She surely didn’t have a problem kissing him in public. 

He didn’t look away from her fast enough, and she caught his gaze, face blanching. He was tempted to roll his eyes, but he decided to pretend he hadn’t seen her at all and keep walking, music in his ears louder than ever. 

For a moment he thought he was in the clear, he made it past where both Kaz and Sofie and towards his locker, but then he felt a hand on his shoulder. He didn’t know who he hoped it was and who he hoped it wasn’t until he turned around and saw Sofie’s hesitant face. 

She said something he couldn’t hear with his headphones on and made a split second decision to keep them on and nod until she walked away. Unfortunately, she was smarter than that, and she pulled his headphones down around his neck with a pointed glare. 

“Lucas,” she began, and he realized he didn’t actually care what she had to say. 

“Sofie, I have to go,” he said, starting to turn around, but she pulled him back. 

“Lucas, please,” she pleaded, “Just five minutes.”

He crossed his arms. “I really don’t have time to waste. My  _ actual _ friends are probably wondering where I am.” That was untrue, but he did get a bit of satisfaction as her face fell.

Realizing he wasn’t going to relent, her face hardened. “Are they? Because last I heard you fought them at my party. I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone like that.”

“Huh, glad to know your standards stop there, but not at stabbing people in the back,” he said before he could think better of it.

“Stabbing people in the back?” she said incredulously. “You told me to kiss Kaz. I didn’t tell him to kiss me back.”

_ Thanks for that reminder, Sofie. _ “Why don’t you go hang out with your boyfriend, then, instead of pestering me?”

Her expression lost its edge and she sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “Lucas, I didn’t come here to fight with you, I came to apologize. We were both out of line, and I’m sorry if I hurt you with my actions.”

“Cool,” Lucas said, starting to walk away again, being held back once more. 

“For what it’s worth, Kaz isn’t my boyfriend. He’s a little hung up on someone else,” she said as if that would make anything better. For all Lucas knew, Sofie was talking about Mila. 

“That’s not worth much,” he said, unable to rationalize his thoughts at the moment. 

She rolled her eyes. “Fine. I can see that you need more time to deal with everything, but I’ll be here when you do, ok?”

This time when he turned away without another word, she let him go, and he found himself wishing she hadn’t so he could apologize properly. Nothing was ever going to be fixed if they didn’t have a real conversation, but his mind was still a mess over what happened, so he didn’t know how much a conversation would help at the moment. 

He was so lost in thought that he nearly ran right into Kes, who was coming from the opposite direction. 

“Lucas!” Kes exclaimed in surprise, looking him up and down as if verifying it was actually him. “You’re back.”

“I am.”

Kes nodded. “How are you feeling? Better, I hope?”

Not that it was a bad thing, but why was Kes acting, for the most part, normal? Lucas had just ignored him for over a week and the last time they’d seen each other he’d almost gotten in a physical fight with one of their friends. 

“Fine,” Lucas said slowly, “How, um, is Sander still mad at me?”

“No one is mad at you, Luc,” Kes said emphatically. Lucas rolled his eyes but Kes placed a hand on his shoulder, imploring him. “ _ Really _ . We’re just worried about you.”

“I’m fine—” Lucas tried, but Kes cut him off. 

“No, you’re not. It’s ok that you’re not, I just wish that you would at least tell  _ me _ what’s going on. I’m with you for life, remember? Nothing you could tell me could make me stop being your best friend in the world.” The way Kes was looking at him made him want to spill everything right there, and he almost did, but then the bell rang for class and he closed up again. 

Kes didn’t move, still waiting for something from him, so Lucas gave him all he could at the moment. “Thanks. It really… it really means a lot. I have to go, but I’ll talk to you later, I promise.”

“Ok,” Kes said hesitantly, unmoving. 

“I promise,” Lucas reiterated, deciding he would just have to skip a trip to his locker and slinging his backpack more comfortably on his shoulders. Kes didn’t walk away, so he did, not looking back in fear that if he did he would never make it to class. 

He still had Kes, and now it was on him to show Kes that he still had Lucas. 

**DINSDAG 10:07 - Break up with her**

Isa was mad at him, but he was ok with it. Mostly, she was just mad he wasn’t sharing his answers to their assignment, not because he’d actually done something wrong. 

“I’ll help you with it,” he kept telling her, but she groaned loudly and ignored him. Technically, he could have just given her the answers, because he’d finished his assignment in less than twenty minutes and had nothing else to do, but she was never going to understand it if she didn’t try to learn it. 

“Luc, please,” Isa whined, trying to look over his shoulder. 

He sighed, raising his eyebrows at her. “I’ll help you with it—”

“Stop saying that, Luc. I don’t care about your thought process I just want to get this dooonnneee,” she complained, softly enough that their teacher couldn’t hear her. “You owe me for leaving me here by myself for a week.” 

He considered this, she did have a point. He finally relented with a defeated sigh, passing his worksheet across the table. “Fine, but this is the last time.”

“Sure,” she agreed with a wink, getting to work. Lucas was infinitely glad that she was his partner, not Jayden, because he was still mostly avoiding his friends and it would be hard to continue to do so if they had to work together on homework assignments. 

“So,” Isa began as she wrote things down, “Where were you last week?”

“Sick,” he answered, not a lie. He was glad he didn’t have to lie about it, it would have made everything so much more difficult. 

She nodded. “That’s what Liv said. But I know you, and I know that’s not all.”

“Ies—”

“Luc.”

She leveled him with a stare, and he stared back just as harshly. Usually he won these little staring contests of theirs, stubborn and competitive enough to hold his own, but she wore him down. He turned away with a huff, crossing his arms. 

“I  _ was _ sick,” he reiterated adamantly. 

“And I believe you,” she agreed, “But you haven’t been yourself for a while.”

He narrowed his eyes at her. “Did Kes tell you to talk to me?”

“What? No.” She looked taken aback for a moment. “But the fact that you think so tells me that I’m right.”

She had him there. “Ok, fine, I wasn’t ‘just sick’. Happy?”

“Not particularly. Is everything all right?”

He shrugged noncommittally, glad to hear she wasn’t taking pleasure in his misfortune. She continued, “Does it have something to do with Sofie?”

“You could say that.” It most definitely wasn’t what she was thinking, but he did have issues with Sofie that would have to be dealt with at some point. 

“You should break up with her,” Isa said casually, going back to copying his work. 

He whipped his head to her. “What?”

“You should break up with her,” she repeated, as if he hadn’t heard her loud and clear the first time. 

“We aren’t together,” he said, and that was all he was going to say. Was Sofie still telling people that they were together? 

She frowned. “You guys post about each other all the time.”

“I think we each have, like, once, and that’s because we were friends.” He used past tense on purpose, but Isa was still held up on the fact that he claimed they weren’t dating. 

“But you referred to her as your girlfriend to multiple people,” Isa said slowly, thoughtfully. 

Being half closeted was a weird place to be, he realized, because he honestly didn’t care about hiding his sexuality anymore, but he didn’t want to tell Isa before he told Kes and his other friends. “We aren’t together anymore,” he amended, hoping his explanation would suffice. 

“I assumed you were in a funk because she cheated on you with that hot new kid,” Isa said, considering him for his reaction. Part of him thought she might suspect more than she was letting on, but he didn’t ask. 

“No, she didn’t cheat on me,” he answered. It had contributed to him being in a funk, though, obviously, Isa was pretty spot on with that. He wondered how many people knew Sofie kissed Kaz and assumed it meant something about her and Lucas, not Kaz and Lucas. 

Isa seemed to realize she wasn’t getting any more answers out of him and turned her full attention back to the task at hand. “I’m always here if you want to talk,” she said casually, not taking her eyes off her paper. “Just so you know.”

He did know, and he  _ was _ grateful. “Thanks,” he said, and he meant it. 

She lifted her head to wink at him again, and he rolled his eyes fondly.

“You’re a menace, Keijser,” he said, because it hadn’t been said yet that day.

“Thanks.”

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49106432492/in/dateposted-friend/)

**WOENSDAG 14:03 - We aren’t together**

_ \- now playing: boyish by hippo campus -  _

On the list of people Lucas would have preferred to run into in the bathroom, Kaz was pretty much right at the bottom, one step above his father, who would have had no reason to be in a high school bathroom anyway. 

It was probably karma, and he probably deserved it, but when he was washing his hands and Kaz walked in, Lucas’ heart skipped a beat and he wished he was invisible. Kaz froze in the doorway, and Lucas could only assume he was thinking the same thing. 

“Hey.” Kaz was the first to speak. Lucas decided it was best to ignore him, turning back to the sink where he’d been washing his hands for too long. Instead of going into one of the bathroom stalls, Kaz leaned against the sink beside him, heat of his eyes prickling the side of Lucas’ face. 

Lucas shut off the water abruptly, turning to face Kaz, clenching his jaw. “Did you need something?”

Kaz shifted a bit uncomfortably, looking down at the ground, he ran a hand through his hair and Lucas was struck faintly with wanting to be the one to do that. “I wanted to apologize.”

Lucas probably should have been the one apologizing first, but he was nothing if not stubborn. He stayed silent, waiting for Kaz to continue. 

“I’m sorry about what happened at Sofie’s party. She just told me she was going to kiss me, and I said ok because I was a little drunk and confused and willing to do anything to take my mind off…” he trailed off, biting his lip. 

“Take your mind off me?” Lucas couldn’t tell if his voice sounded accusatory or hopeful, and didn’t know which one he preferred.

Kaz nodded, hands gripping the counter until his knuckles turned white. “Ok,” Lucas said, because he didn’t know what else to say. Kaz’s face darkened. 

“Are you serious?” he asked, and when Lucas looked at him blankly, he continued, “I get that kissing your ex girlfriend was a shitty thing to do, but you hurt me first. We aren’t together, in case you forgot.”

How could Lucas forget? It was his fault that they weren’t. 

“Anyway,” Kaz said, “That’s all I wanted to say. You don’t ever have to talk to me again, but I just didn’t want you to hate me.”

Kaz pushed himself away from the counter, taking a few strides to the door. Lucas couldn’t breathe as he watched him go, wanting to say something but not knowing what to say. “Wait.” It seemed like a good place to start. 

Kaz turned around, the delicate lines of his body moving gracefully, a hypnotic assault to Lucas’ senses. He wanted nothing more than to cross the room and kiss Kaz the way he had weeks ago, like neither of them had anything to lose. 

“I could never hate you,” Lucas said, realizing he’d been staring too long to be normal. All he wanted was to see Kaz’s sunshine smile, but instead he was met with downcast eyes and frown lines. 

“But you couldn’t love me either,” Kaz said softly, almost to himself, before turning on his heel and walking out of the bathroom faster than Lucas could register either his movement or his words.

_ \- now playing: visions of gideon by sufjan stevens - _

Lucas was struck dumb enough that he didn’t even consider the fact that Kaz hadn’t used the bathroom.  _ But you couldn’t love me either _ . Lucas hadn’t thought he could really love  _ anyone _ , too scarred from life experiences to give it a chance. Somehow, though, he had fallen in love, or at least begun to, and he hadn’t realized it until Kaz said something that sounded like a goodbye. 

He didn’t want goodbyes, he wanted soft mornings waking up beside one another, knowing all the words to each other’s favorite songs. He wanted I love yous whispered between sheets and hands roaming bodies until they knew each other better than they knew themselves. He wanted love, and he’d found it, but he’d let it go before he knew that he’d found it. And now it was too late, because he loved Kaz, but Kaz didn’t love him, because it wasn’t that he was incapable of love, it was that he was incapable of being loved. 

If he could rewind time and kiss Kaz in front of everyone in the world, he would, because that’s what love was. Love was finding courage and strength in each other even if you didn’t quite have it yourself. Lucas had been too afraid to see it, locked too far away in a closet that was dark and dingy and had no room for him in it anymore. 

He was in love, but it didn’t matter, because his boy wasn’t his boy, and his boy wasn’t his boy because he’d pushed him away. If this were a movie, Lucas would know just the right thing to say to win Kaz back, and they would live happily ever after. Maybe in a parallel universe they were happy already. Maybe in another Kaz was the one who ruined things. Maybe in another they had never even met. 

As much as the current situation hurt, Lucas couldn’t imagine not knowing Kaz. He’d rather have him on the outskirts of his life, a dream of what could have been than not at all. He’d never contemplated the idea of soulmates, but a small part of his brain whispered that Kaz was his. Maybe in another universe they got things right. If they did, Lucas was rooting for them with every fiber of his being. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49106431757/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DONDERDAG 3:57 - Do you want to talk about it?**

Not sleeping was not unusual, but it was especially annoying now that he’d realized he was in love, because now that was all he could think about. He knew Kaz still followed him on Instagram, so he knew that Kaz could see what he’d posted, but he hadn’t liked it so maybe he didn’t care. 

The floorboards creaked as he got out of bed, not entirely sure where he was going or what he was going to do. Anything beat lying there letting his thoughts consume him, he figured. He went to the living room, sitting on the couch and throwing a blanket on. He pulled out his phone and opened his music app. Music helped people sleep sometimes, right?

If anything, he figured Lorde would know what to do better than he did. She always did.

_ \- now playing: ribs by lorde - _

To his surprise, a second later Liv appeared in the living room, looking at her phone. She jolted when she noticed him on the couch, the light of her phone making her embarrassed blush noticeable. He wasn’t sure if she was embarrassed that he scared her or embarrassed to have been caught up at that hour, though he supposed it could have been a combination of both. 

“Couldn’t sleep?” she asked him, lifting up her blanket so he could share with her. 

He nodded, laying his head back on the couch. “You too?”

“Yup.” She set her phone to the side, folding her hands in her lap. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“About what?” he asked, stalling. If he’d thought Isa was onto him, there was no way Liv didn’t know more about his problems than she let on. Nothing got by her, for better or for worse. 

She raised an eyebrow at him. “I think you and I both know.”

They did, didn’t they. He sighed. “I don’t really know what to say about it.”

“Keeping everything to yourself doesn’t do any good, trust me,” she said, and he knew she was speaking from experience. 

“I know,” he agreed, “It’s just… I’m so lost I don’t know if I could articulate it.”

“You articulated it to Noah,” she said knowingly, and it was his turn to blush.

He began, “Sometimes it’s easier to talk to people you don’t know well—”

“It’s fine, Luc, I get it,” she cut him off with a soft laugh. She searched his eyes for a split second, running her tongue over her teeth as she debated speaking. When she finally did, she cast her gaze to her hands in her lap. “He’s asked me about you, you know. Kaz. He’s asked all of us. Engel and Janna don’t get it, but Isa and I are a bit more intuitive.”

Ok, so it was out there, then. He was kind of grateful she hadn’t made him formally come out to her, but he also wanted to know when she’d figured it all out. He supposed he hadn’t been very subtle during the day he and Kaz had spent laying around together. It also explained why Isa seemed like she knew more than she was letting on. 

“When?” he asked, because that was all he could process at the moment.

“A lot last week, while you were sick. Every day,” she answered, and he could tell she was trying to get a read on his reaction. He was too, he didn’t know how to feel. 

“I think I fucked it all up,” he admitted, looking at her head on. 

She shifted to face him better. “How so?” 

“I was scared, and I let it get the better of me. He doesn’t care about me anymore, and I don’t feel right trying to convince him otherwise.”

“Lucas…” she sighed, “Don’t count yourself out quite yet, ok?”

He shook his head, she didn’t understand. “We talked yesterday. It’s over for good.”

“And you’re ok with that?”

_ I love him _ . It was on the tip of his tongue, but he couldn’t say it out loud, not quite yet. Luckily or unluckily for him, Liv read it on his face. She laid her head on his shoulder. “Feelings are stupid, huh?”

“Agreed,” he said with a short laugh, finding her hand and twining them together. In another life they were siblings, and Lucas envied that other version of them. Though sometimes, he was growing to realize, family wasn’t who you were born to, but rather the people who found you at your lowest point and loved you in spite of it all. If that was the case, he had a sister, maybe two, and few more brothers to go along with it. 

“Thank you for letting me live here,” he said. 

Liv lifted her head and studied his face, melancholic smile visible in the low light. “I’m glad you’re here. We’re family now, you and I. And Ralph.” He smiled, her words echoing the thoughts in his head. 

Lorde continued to sing as they sat on the couch in silence, entwined in a way that screamed  _ trust _ , the variety of which Lucas had nearly given up on.

“I got a letter today,” Liv said after some time had passed. 

“Um, ok,” he responded, their heads still on top of each other. 

She sighed, pausing as if it was hard to get the words out. “It’s about Morris, Noah’s brother.”

_ Oh _ . “Is everything all right?” he asked. He didn’t know exactly what had happened, but he knew that Liv had been sexually assaulted by Noah’s brother. It sickened him to think that something like that could have happened to someone as good as her, or to anyone at all. 

“I’ve been called to testify against him,” she said.

He lifted his head and looked down at her. “That’s good, right? That means justice is being served.”

She buried her face deeper into him. “I don’t know. I just want this all to be over, shouldn’t it be enough that I reported him for what he did?”

“It should,” he agreed, “But unfortunately we don’t live in that kind of world yet. You’re going to testify, right?”

“I don’t know if I can,” she said, and he pretended not to feel the tears spilling from her eyes onto his collarbone. He wrapped his arms around her, pulling her into a tighter, warmer embrace. 

“Have you told Noah yet?” he asked her softly. She shook her head and held onto him tighter. “That’s ok,” he said, “Take your time. This is about  _ you _ , not him. If you want some support, or someone to go with you though, I’m more than happy to be of service.”

She sniffed, lifting her head slightly. “Really?”

“Of course,” he smiled at her. “That’s what family is for.” 

Their conversation ended there, both of them too emotionally drained to continue, but they stayed entwined together, finding the comfort they both needed desperately in those moments. At some point they both fell asleep, and it was the best sleep Lucas had gotten in a long time. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49106431932/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DONDERDAG 14:25 - I don’t know what else to say**

Lucas was writing Kaz a letter. Maybe it was a stupid idea, but it was all he had. He just had to get the words out, even if it was a letter he never sent or gave to its intended recipient. He couldn’t live with regrets anymore, he wanted to be his most authentic self, with or without Kaz. Granted, authenticity started with coming out to the people closest to him, but he wasn’t quite ready for that yet. Maybe writing the letter would help. 

_ Dear Kaz, _

No, that was too formal.

_ K, _

Too informal?

_ Gatsby, _

Yeah, right. 

_ Kaz,  _

Perfect. 

_ Kaz, _

_ I didn’t say it to you earlier, but I’m sorry too. I should have, but I’m stubborn, and I’m afraid far more often than I let on. I know you probably want nothing to do with me, and I don’t blame you, but I want you to know that what I feel for you knows no bounds and that’s what scares me the most. I’ve never had anyone in my life to care about in this way and I’ve never wanted it, but you’re different Kaz Janssen, you woke me up from a thousand year sleep and somewhere along the way I started to fall.  _ (he couldn’t write that he was in love, not in a letter)  _ I’m shit with words, I’m not like you, but you deserve to have someone who will try for you. Selfishly, I wish it to be me, but if it isn’t, just make sure they’re worth it. I told you I could never hate you, and that was true, but I don’t ever want you to hate me either. Now that you’re in my world I can’t imagine anything without you. I’ll try, if that’s what you want, but know that it will take more than a little trying for me to ever forget about you. I still see your face every time I close my eyes, cliche as that sounds, but I’d rather see it every time I open them. I want to kiss you in front of the world, up on a stage for everyone to see. I want to hold your hand and whisper sweet nothings in your ear and be able to tell you every day how beautiful you are to me, inside and out. My life has been filled with such darkness, but the day you stepped into it I saw a glimmer of light, and following that light was the best decision I’ve ever made. I don’t know what else to say that could make you change your mind about me, and it’s fine if you don’t change your mind at all, but I want you to know that I’m willing to put in the work to fix the things I’ve broken. If anything, I just want you to forgive me for ruining what might have been so beautiful. Maybe in a parallel universe you’re Jay Gatsby and I’m the person across the bay, the one with the green light calling to you. Maybe in this universe this is my green light, my sign that I’m still here if you want me. Or maybe I’m Gatsby, because I want nothing more than to repeat the past, but get it right this time. Do you blame me for that too, or do you wish the same? I suppose it doesn’t matter, does it? We can’t repeat the past, and a green light is just a green light. Just know that I’m thinking of you always, and that my dreams are filled with the sound of your voice leading me gently into the life I want to live. _

_ -Lucas _

_ p.s. The last thing you said to me… I wouldn’t be so sure. _

It was probably overkill, Kaz would probably hate him even more, but Lucas decided he didn’t care. He folded the note and slipped it into what he knew was Kaz’s locker, hoping Kaz would see it before he left school for the day, hoping he would never see it at all. 

As the letter disappeared, a weight lifted off him. Whatever happened, he could handle it. He’d tried something, and if he failed, well then at least he was secure in who he was. Who he could still grow to be.

He saw Kes across the hallway, then, and gave himself an deadline. Tomorrow. Tomorrow he would start living the life he wanted to live, with the people he loved the most by his side even if Kaz wasn’t one of them. Starting with Kes, who had been there from the beginning. 

_ \- now playing: bruce willis by raffaella - _

**VRIJDAG 16:33 - Am I not up to your standards?**

As Lucas approached Kes, he tried to rehearse what he was going to say in his head. When he actually got in front of him, all thoughts ran from his head and he stood dumbly, silently, while Kes waited for him to say something. 

“Hey, Luc,” Kes said with a hesitant smile. 

Lucas returned the smile, hiding his face in the scarf wrapped around his neck. “Hey, um, what are you doing right now?”

Kes raised his eyebrows. “Talking to you.” Lucas looked at him, unamused, and Kes laughed softly. “Nothing. Why?”

“I was wondering if you wanted to go get food or something? I’ll pay,” he offered, hoping Kes heard the unspoken intentions. 

It seemed he did, because Kes nodded immediately, face turning serious before breaking into the smile Lucas had committed to memory over the course of many years. “How could I say no to that?” 

Lucas shrugged, falsely flabbergasted. “You couldn’t.”

He rode on the back of Kes’ scooter to their destination, a small diner they always came to when they wanted to talk. Lucas tried not to think about Kaz’s motorcycle and how he wished he could ride on the back of it just one more time. 

Lucas ordered for the both of them when they arrived, partially because he knew Kes’ order from years of practice, and partially because he was buying himself some more time before they began to talk, really talk, the way Lucas had been avoiding doing since the beginning of the school year. 

“So,” Kes began when Lucas sat down, handing over his food. 

“So,” Lucas continued, poking his food with a fork. “I asked you to come here with me because I want to talk to you, which I’m sure you’ve figured out.”

“I did get that far, yeah,” Kes teased, waiting for him to expand. 

Deep breath in. Deep breath out. “Um, I guess it’s no secret I’ve been a little… off lately.”

Kes nodded in agreement, allowing Lucas to speak further without interruption. “It’s, um,” Lucas continued, trying to decide how much he wanted to say, “It’s because I fell in love.”

His eyes, which had been trained on the table, flicked up to gauge Kes’ reaction. He looked surprised, which was to be expected. Lucas could only imagine what his face would look like when he continued to tell Kes everything about  _ who _ , exactly, he was in love with. 

“With Sofie?” Kes asked seriously. “Is that why you got so mad at her party? I heard she kissed someone else.”

Lucas bit his lip. It would be so easy to say yes. “No, not Sofie.”

Kes sat up in his chair, frowning. “Oh. Who, then?”

“Guess,” Lucas said, buying himself more time to find the confidence inside himself that he needed to tell his truth. 

“Dude, you know I can’t guess,” Kes complained.

“Try,” Lucas said softly.

Kes sighed, leaning back in his chair. His eyes widened a fraction in alarm. “It’s not Liv is it? Because she’s dating Noah, and you live with her.”

The idea was so absurd Lucas bust out laughing, causing Kes to cross his arms with a huff. “I told you I’m terrible at guessing!” Kes pouted indignantly.

“I can, uh, give you a hint,” Lucas offered. 

Kes gestured expectantly, stealing a fry off of Lucas’ plate in the meantime. It was now or never. Lucas took another deep breath and looked off to the side of Kes before deciding it was better to get his reaction head on. “It’s not a girl,” he said at last, feeling a rush of air to his lungs as yet another weight collapsing his chest lifted itself up. 

Kes didn’t even flinch, chewing thoughtfully. “It’s me,” he said knowingly. 

“What? No!” Lucas stammered, laughing again, not quite as violently as when Kes had suggested Liv, but still enough that Kes looked offended. 

“Am I not up to your standards or something?” Kes scoffed.

Lucas continued to laugh. “No, no, you’re great. I used to think… maybe…” he trailed off, fearing he’d scared Kes away. 

On the contrary, Kes looked at him smugly. “During last school year?”

Lucas nodded, not specifying when, just to be safe. Kes grinned from the corner of his mouth, stealing another fry. “You should have made a move, I won’t say I never considered it.”

Lucas blinked, sure he’d misheard. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, I mean, hindsight is 20/20, and I wouldn’t have been opposed to the idea,” Kes confirmed with a wink. 

“I can’t tell if you’re being serious right now.”

“I am!”

Lucas squinted his eyes, holding his hands out in front of him. “Are you coming out to me right now? Because I’m trying to come out to you but now I’m getting confused.”

“Oh, um, I don’t know,” Kes said nonchalantly, which didn’t help at all. “I’m not gay, but heterosexuality is so limiting, you know?”

Lucas blinked. “Yeah. I do know. I’m literally gay.”

“Ah, right, back to you, sorry for derailing the conversation,” Kes said hurriedly, gesturing for Lucas to continue. “Also, very proud of you for coming out. I love you no matter who you love.”

Lucas rolled his eyes fondly, knowing that even though Kes sounded cheesy, he was actually serious. “We’re circling back to you being into guys, though,” Lucas said, because he was not about to let this topic be dropped.

“Ok, fine, fine, but tell me who this boy is you’re in love with if it’s not me,” Kes said excitedly.

“Well—” Lucas began, only to be cut off. 

“Wait, you wanted me to guess. Um… Even,” Kes said proudly.

“Even?” Lucas didn’t know anyone named Even, and he was pretty sure Kes didn’t either. 

Kes frowned. “Not Even? Ok… ooh, I got it. Hot French exchange student named… Eliott.”

“Do you know any hot French exchange students?” Lucas asked incredulously.

“No,” Kes admitted, pausing again to think. “Oh! I’ve got it—”

“It’s Kaz!” Lucas blurted, before Kes could go on about some German dude named David or something. 

“I thought you said it wasn’t me?” Kes asked, confusion evident.

Lucas sighed. “No, not  _ Kes _ .  _ Kaz _ . Kaz Janssen, from culture club.”

Kes whistled, low and suggestive. “He’s hot.”

“I know,” Lucas agreed, deciding not to question or argue about the statement. 

“So, you’re in love with him?” Kes confirmed, more serious now. There was still levity in the way he spoke, but Lucas could tell he was trying to show Lucas that he wasn’t taking the conversation as a joke, and Lucas was grateful for that. 

Lucas nodded, blowing air from his nose. “I am.”

“What’s the problem with that?” Kes asked.

“He was the boy Sofie kissed at the party,” he explained. There was so much more to it, obviously, but he figured that was a good starting point. 

Kes grimaced, leaning forward and resting his arms on the table. “Yikes,” he said succinctly, which Lucas felt summed up the situation pretty well.

“Yikes indeed,” he agreed. With a bit more prompting from Kes, he explained everything, basically from the moment they met to where they were now. Kes listened with rapt attention, only interjecting to ask questions when Lucas came to a natural pause in his story. When he finished, telling Kes about the letter that he’d been fool enough to write, Kes took it all in, considering. 

“He’s an idiot if he gives up on you,” Kes said finally, and Lucas’ heart cracked wide open because that was exactly what he needed to hear. He didn’t really want advice, at least not right at that moment, and he didn’t want meaningless reassurances, but receiving this form of validation felt quite nice. 

Lucas smiled genuinely, ducking his head down. “Thanks.”

“We got a smile! My work here is done,” Kes grinned, and Lucas reached over to shove him. 

“Shut up.”

“ _ Shut up, _ ” Kes mimicked, and Lucas rolled his eyes once more for good measure. They were interrupted by a vibrating phone, and Lucas checked inside his bag to see if it was his. “It’s mine,” Kes said, but Lucas’ attention was elsewhere. 

When he’d grabbed his phone, a small sheet of paper had slipped out. He picked it up off the floor while Kes was busy with his phone, unfolding it. His heart stopped beating briefly as he noticed the handwriting, recognizing it immediately. 

_ Lucas, _

_ You always look so cool. _

He hadn’t signed his name, but he knew that Lucas would know exactly who the note was from. It confused Lucas more than anything, though.  _ You always look so cool _ . What did that mean? Was it some sort of dismissal? Lucas assumed this meant Kaz read his letter, and that he didn’t care that Lucas had basically told him he loved him without saying those exact words.

“What’s that?” Kes asked nodding to the paper in Lucas’ hands. Lucas handed it over, allowing Kes to read it and hoping it would make more sense to him. To Lucas’ chagrin, his brows furrowed. “Is this from Kaz?”

Lucas nodded, and Kes reread it. “I don’t understand,” he admitted.

“I don’t either,” Lucas said grudgingly. Kes handed the paper back to him, smiling sympathetically. 

“Hey, we’ll forget about him, ok?” he said, patting Lucas’ shoulder across the table. 

“I don’t know…”

“You can take all the time you need, but if he can’t see what he’s missing, he’s not worth it. There are plenty of boys out there who will see you for the catch you are,” Kes reassured him, standing from the table. 

Lucas followed suit, teasing, “Like you?”

“Hey, you never know,” Kes said with a wink, following Lucas to the door and holding it open. “Lukes for the win, man.”

Lucas smiled, thinking about how this conversation would have had his heart in shambles a year prior. A part of him thought about the things that could have been, but everything happened for a reason. Maybe in a parallel universe. “Lukes for the win,” he agreed with a platonic fist bump that turned into a platonic hug, a hug that was so very necessary and so very overdue.

“I’m glad you trusted me enough to tell me first,” Kes said when they broke apart, and Lucas coughed awkwardly.

“About that…” 

If anything, Kes’ indignant shrieking about the fact that  _ Noah Boom _ and  _ Isa  _ had been told and or figured things out before him was enough to take Lucas’ mind off Kaz’s cryptic message. All that mattered right now was the look on Kes’ face when Lucas told him about his impromptu sleepovers with Noah and Liv. 

It also prompted Kes to decide that the two of them were going to have an impromptu sleepover that night, like the best friends they were, and Lucas found that in that moment he couldn’t be happier. 

_ \- now playing: raw by sigrid - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49105738858/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if u know what kaz's note means, lemme know ;)))
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	7. week seven: you always look so cool

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the delay, it was thanksgiving so i was busy with my family <3
> 
> hope u enjoy this chapter as much as i do 🥺

**ZATERDAG 11:11 - Guru advising? **

_ \- now playing: these days by wallows -  _

Waking up slowly with his best friend by his side and no secrets between them was a feeling Lucas had missed. Kes still snored, and Lucas’ room was still too small with too thin walls, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way. He decided to get up and let Kes sleep in later, making his way to the kitchen lazily after going to the bathroom and brushing his teeth.

Ralph was already awake, which was a first. Lucas had been sleeping so poorly recently that he was almost always awake before everyone else. He should have known to expect that Ralph would tease him about it. 

“Morning sleepyhead,” Ralph said, wiggling his eyebrows above where the majority of his face was taken up by a big mug of coffee. 

Lucas tried and failed to hide his grin. “Shut up.”

A week ago, he would have actually been mad, or sad, or simply overwhelmed to the point of not caring, but he felt freer than he had in a long, long time, and it was hard to let things upset him. With one exception. 

“Is Kes still asleep?” Ralph asked, gesturing to Lucas’ room. Lucas nodded his head in confirmation, moving around Ralph to grab his own mug for coffee. They sat in easy silence for a few minutes, both sipping their coffee pensively. Lucas kind of wanted to talk to Ralph about the note he’d received from Kaz, but he could tell Ralph wanted to say something to him. The silence was pointed, patient. 

Finally, Ralph set his coffee down. “So… things with Kes are back to normal it seems?”

A week ago, Lucas would have been defensive. He smiled minutely, nodding again as he spoke. “Yeah. He’s my brother, that will never change.”

“Thank god,” Ralph said, “This place is too quiet without at least two of you here at any given time.”

Lucas snorted. “Careful what you wish for…”

Ralph laughed, biting his lip. “Have you talked to him about… anything?”

Lucas appreciated Ralph so much it was unreal. He still felt bad for being such an idiot a few weeks prior, but over that time he’d come to trust Ralph more than he’d ever trusted his own father. That fact might have been a bit sad to anyone else, but Lucas was mostly grateful. Blood families were overrated in his humble opinion. 

“Yeah,” Lucas said, “He knows I’m gay.”

“Oh?” Ralph said with a wide grin. “And your boy?”

He sighed. “I don’t have one.”

“Wha—”

“We talking about Kaz?” Kes said with a flourish, making his grand entrance into the kitchen. 

Ralph blinked up at him, then at Lucas. “You gave him a name before me?”

“He knows Kaz, you don’t,” Lucas pointed out.

Ralph shrugged. “Doesn’t matter I guess, he’s still hot no matter his name.”

“Ralph!” 

“Agreed,” Kes said with a sigh.

“Kes!”

They both looked at him innocently, and Lucas put his face in his hands. “You two shouldn’t be allowed in the same room together.”

“I disagree,” the two of them said in unison, yelling excitedly and high fiving when they realized what they’d done. Lucas briefly wondered if he was dreaming, and if he wasn’t, he wished he was. 

“Back to the matter at hand,” Ralph said, and Lucas poked his head up hesitantly. “Kaz.”

“Kaz,” Kes repeated seriously. 

Lucas sat up and leaned back in his chair. “I’m not sure what you want me to say. Kes, you know everything I know.”

“Yes, but I’ve never been in a situation like this before, so you might need some outside input.” Kes pointed to Ralph. 

“Guru advising? Is that what you need?” Ralph asked excitedly. 

Lucas rubbed his eyes, standing up. “Oh, god, forget it.”

“No, no, no!” Kes jumped up after him, pulling him back down to his chair. “You  _ do _ need guru advising.”

Lucas never stood a chance against the two of them, did he? “Fine,” he grumbled, fishing Kaz’s note from the pocket of his sweatpants and handing it over to Ralph, who took it with curiosity. “I got that from him yesterday.”

“Dude, did you sleep with that in your pocket?” Kes asked. 

Lucas opened his mouth, then closed it. There was no right answer here, and Kes’ smirk said it all. Ralph interjected before Lucas could get too embarrassed. “What does it mean?”

“I have no idea,” he admitted.

Ralph hummed, reading it again. “Tell me everything I’ve missed in your torrid love story.”

“I’m not sure if I would call it that,” Lucas said with a weak laugh, thinking about where he’d left off. “But, um, you know how I told you about how I kind of pushed him away?”

Ralph nodded, looking like he knew where this was heading. Lucas suspected he didn’t even know the half of it. Lucas himself never would have been able to make that kind of shit up.

He continued, “Ok, so, um, after that I went to that party, remember? And I was kind of rude to Sofie, and I told her to go kiss Kaz because I wasn’t into him, and then she actually did, and then he saw me across the room and kissed her back, and then I got into a fight with Sander, and when I got home I felt like shit and when I woke up I was sick. Fast forward a week, Sofie tells me she’s sorry about what happened with Kaz and that neither of them are into each other, but I was a dick again, then a few days later I run into Kaz in the bathroom. Actually, he might have followed me in there but that’s not the point. He said he was sorry for what happened and didn’t want me to hate him, and I said I could never hate him, and he said that I couldn’t ever love him either, and he left. Then I realized that wasn’t true and I was actually quite in love with him, so I, um, wrote him a letter… Kes why are you looking at me like that, you knew this? Anyway, I wrote a letter and basically laid out my feelings other than the fact that I love him, and the next day I find this note in my bag, so I assume it’s some sort of dismissal of me and my feelings.”

He took a deep breath as he finished, looking at Ralph with wide, pleading eyes. Maybe he did need a guru. Ralph folded the note carefully and slid it back across the table.

“And you’re sure he’s never said anything like this before, as a joke or something?” Ralph asked, considering him.

Lucas shook his head defeatedly. “No. We had an inside joke about haikus, but this isn’t a haiku.”

“Haikus are gay, though, that’s a good sign,” Kes interjected thoughtfully, earning looks of utter confusion. 

“Hey, Kes, why don’t you let the guru handle this one?” Ralph suggested, and Kes nodded fervently, putting his chin in his hands. Things would have been a whole lot easier if he was still the one Lucas loved. Ralph turned back to Lucas. “This might be hard to hear, but you either need to communicate or forget about him.”

That was what Lucas had been afraid of. “I tried to communicate! The letter said everything I couldn’t say out loud.”

“And that was a good step, but if you really love him you have to tell  _ him _ that.”

“But what if he doesn’t want to hear it?” Lucas argued. “‘You always look so cool.’ Does that sound like someone who wants to hear that I love him?”

Ralph smiled, but it read like a frown. “That’s for you to decide. Clearly, he’s no communication expert either, but he did apologize to you for everything with Sofie, and he wasn’t really the only one to blame there either. I think there’s a lot left unsaid between the two of you, and it’s up to you to decide if you want to change that.”

Fine, Ralph was an incredible guru, even if Lucas didn’t really want to follow his advice. 

“You can also just move on,” Ralph continued, “I guess it depends on how deep these feelings run and how many regrets you think you’ll have if you miss out on solidifying this thing with Kaz.”

Lucas groaned, tipping his head back to the ceiling. Kes patted him on the shoulder. “Now you see why I talked about Isa all the time, huh? Relationships are tough, man.”

“Thank you, Ralph,” he said, ignoring Kes. The last thing he needed to be reminded of at the moment was Isa and Kes’ relationship. Ralph reached over to clasp his hand, squeezing it once. 

“They don’t call me guru for nothing,” he said simply.

“They don’t call you guru at all,” Lucas shot back, and Ralph scoffed in offense. 

“You do, at least,” he amended and Lucas sighed in defeat. 

“I do. Thanks, guru.”

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49148043047/in/dateposted-friend/)

**MAANDAG 12:37 - I’m open to whatever**

_ \- now playing: chill bill by rob $tone ft. j davi$ and spooks - _

By the time Kes and Lucas joined Jayden and Sander for lunch, the other two boys were already engrossed in trying to mimic the  _ Kill Bill _ whistle in the song they were listening to. Lucas hadn’t seen either of them in quite a while, and he would have been lying if he said he wasn’t a bit nervous. 

Jayden did a double take when he saw the two of them approaching, and turned down the music a bit. Sander looked at Lucas coolly, not giving any greeting, but not being openly hostile either. 

“Hey,” Lucas said to the both of them, sharing a nervous look with Kes. 

Jayden held out a hand for a bro handshake and Lucas obliged, grinning into it. His eyes skimmed over Sander’s face again before flicking to the ground, trying to decide how to proceed. 

“I’m really sorry about Sofie’s party,” he said, blinking back up to meet Sander’s gaze. 

Sander looked at him for a moment, and Lucas was scared Kes had lied when he said Sander wasn’t mad about it, but then he gave Lucas a small smile. “No big deal. Sorry for being a dick.”

Lucas shook his head. “You weren’t being a dick, I was. You were just trying to be a good friend.”

“Trying? I  _ am _ a good friend,” Sander said, smile morphing into more of a smirk, and Lucas knew everything was going to be back to normal. Everything was going to be alright. The boys were back.

“Anyway, to apologize for how shitty I’ve been acting lately, we’re having a guys night at my flat Friday. Liv and the girls are having a sleepover at Isa’s place, and Ralph has a hot date, so we’ll have the place to ourselves. You in?” Lucas asked. 

Jayden was the first to respond. “ _ So _ in. I’ve got to re-stake my claim on the place.”

Sander nodded as well. “I’ll be there.”

“I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” Kes said last, slinging an arm around Lucas’ shoulders. Lucas laughed while rolling his eyes, slipping out of the embrace. Their eyes met and Kes raised one eyebrow, thinking the same thing that Lucas was thinking at that moment. Was now the time to tell them everything as well? He didn’t want to hide anything from anyone anymore, at least not from the people he cared about. He nodded at Kes minutely and turned back to the other boys. 

“Speaking of me being a little… off, recently,” he began, eyes going back and forth between Jayden and Sander, “I’ve kind of had a thing with someone, and I’ve kind of been hiding it from you guys.”

Jayden looked at him with faux sympathy. “We all knew about you and Sofie, dude.”

“No, not Sofie.” He shook his head, taking a breath. “Kaz.”

Sander’s eyebrows shot up. “ _ Kes? _ ” 

“No!” Lucas cursed Kes and Kaz for having such similar names. “Kaz Janssen. From culture club.”

Jayden’s face went from knowing to confused. “But Kaz is a dude?” Jayden said, and Sander smacked him on the shoulder.

“Come on man! Kes is also a dude!” he hissed under his breath, and Jayden backtracked.

“Sorry, um, it’s cool that Kaz is a dude. It totally is. I just didn’t know you were gay,” Jayden said. 

“Dude!” Sander hissed again, putting his face in his hands. “He could be bi.”

“Or pan,” Kes interjected, and Lucas shot him a look that said  _ Kes, you know very well that I’m not pan _ , and Kes shot one back that said  _ Yes, but pansexuality is valid Luc _ . Lucas honestly had no idea why he’d ever thought he was the biggest disaster of the bunch of them. 

“No, I am gay,” Lucas said, just to set the record straight (or gay, whatever). 

“But you could have been bi,” Sander said.

“Or pan,” Kes repeated.

“Or queer,” Jayden added, and they all looked at him. “I’m just saying, it’s quite a broad spectrum with many different labels.”

Lucas was honestly beginning to question whether they’d accidentally jumped to a parallel universe. “I know that? I’m the only one of us who’s actually part of the LGBTQ+ community?” Technically, Kes had insinuated differently, but he knew better than to out someone.

“No you’re not?” Sander said confusedly. “Didn’t you know that I’m bi?”

“And I’m pan,” Kes said proudly.

This had to be a dream. Lucas blinked between the two of them with a dead stare, then turned to Kes. “When did you come to this conclusion? Last we talked you were  _ maybe _ into guys.”

Kes shrugged. “Ralph is an excellent guru.”

“When did you—”

“You know that’s how Kes and I met, right?” Sander cut in before Lucas could finish his question. “Jayden and I were friends, and he introduced me to Kes, and one thing led to another but we decided we were better as friends.”

“I’m sorry  _ what _ ?” Jayden and Lucas said at the same time, which made Lucas feel a little better. At least Jayden was as in the dark as he was. 

Kes smiled at Lucas apologetically, and Lucas gave him a  _ we’re talking about this later _ look. Lucas settled his gaze on each of his friends in turn, before settling on Jayden. “So Jayden is the only straight one here, then?”

Jayden shook his head, shrugging. “Not exactly. I’m open to whatever. Heterosexuality is so limiting.”

“That’s what I said!” Kes nodded, high fiving Jayden. Lucas was so, so confused. Obviously, it was great that they were all comfortable with various sexualities, but this was most definitely not what he had expected from this conversation.

Sander turned the attention back to Lucas. “But Kaz, you were saying? What about him?”

Lucas blinked, returning to the present. “Right. Yeah, Kaz and I had a thing, but that’s over now, I think. I didn’t know how to deal with it, so I let the stress get to me, and I’m sorry about that.”

“No need to be sorry at all,” Sander said, and Jayden nodded. 

“Why is it over?” Jayden asked.

Kes cut in. “It isn’t, Lucas is just being dumb.”

Lucas shot him a dirty look, but launched into a shortened explanation. He didn’t bring up the letter or Kaz’s note, because he still didn’t really know what to do about that, and thankfully Kes didn’t bring it up either. He left off at Kaz’s apology and his realization of his feelings. 

“You know what I think you should do?” Sander asked, and Lucas nodded immediately. He could have multiple gurus, after all. As long as he didn’t tell Ralph. “Forget about him for a few days. You’ve just come to terms with being gay, give yourself time to be proud of that, then decide where to go from there. Don’t forget forever, or for too long, but just take some time to breathe, Lucas. I don’t think you’ve breathed the entire time I’ve known you.”

Lucas took this advice in, realizing it was actually quite good. Who knew Sander had it in him. Then again, it turned out there was a lot of things Lucas hadn’t known about Sander. 

So, he exhaled, smiling. 

_ \- now playing: valentine by 5 seconds of summer - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49148043207/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DINSDAG 17:19 - I kind of forgot about the culture club**

The spring in Lucas’ step and the smile on his face hadn’t subsided for over twenty four hours. He’d slept well, he’d engaged with his friends, he’d done all his house chores and his homework, and he’d kept his thoughts of Kaz to a minimum. It really did seem like his life was taking a whole new turn. 

Liv, Esra, and Engel were sitting with him in the living room, discussing some ideas Engel had for culture club. Lucas wasn’t sure if there had been any meetings or events past the one Liv had hosted weeks ago, and he felt kind of bad for not knowing. Engel hadn’t said anything, so that was a good sign. 

He wasn’t really involved in their conversation, though he noticed it was less about culture club and more about random gossip that Engel was filling Esra in on.

“And Lucas!” she said, and he lifted his head, not knowing if she was talking to him or about him. She smiled excitedly, standing and waving him over. 

“I’m so excited for you!” Engel engulfed him in a hug once he made his way over curiously. 

He hugged her back, looking at Liv over her shoulder. “Thanks?”

“Well, you’re gay!” she continued, “That’s exciting!”

“Oh.” They broke apart from the hug and he blushed, scratching the back of his head. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Engel, leave the poor boy alone,” Esra said, winking at him. Engel looked confused, but sat back down on the couch, scooting over to make room for him. He sat between her and Liv, resting his head on Liv’s shoulder. She patted the top of his head, smiling down at him. 

“Congratulations,” Esra said gently, smiling at him serenely. He smiled back at her, remembering their last one on one conversation.

Liv laid her legs across his and Engel’s laps. “Do you have any insight for the culture club, o wise one?”

“Me?” Lucas laughed, then admitted, “I kind of forgot about the culture club, if I’m being honest.”

Engel sat up abruptly, frowning. “You can’t be serious?” 

“I’ve kind of had a lot going on, Engel,” he reminded her, but she huffed in dismissal. 

“Everyone forgot about it, though,” she pouted. 

Liv and Lucas exchanged a glance. “I’m not quite sure how I can help with that,” he said, smiling apologetically. 

She ignored him. “I suppose culture doesn’t have to be limited to geographical regions… There’s a whole LGBTQ+ culture that we could talk about at a meeting.”

“Engel,” Liv cut her off, shaking her head. “Let’s not exploit the community because you can’t come up with ideas for a club you started.”

“I’m not planning on exploiting anyone,” Engel said angrily, pushing Liv’s legs off of her. “Lucas, can we talk really quick?” 

Liv whispered into Lucas’ ear. “Sorry about her, you don’t have to talk to her.”

“No, no, it’s fine,” he said, shrugging and mimicking Engel’s action. Maybe Engel was a little uneducated about some things, but hopefully Lucas would be able to check her enough that she understood the things she should and shouldn’t say. It was what Ralph would have done, not just dismissed her because of things she didn’t know. 

Engel led him to the kitchen, grabbing a glass and filling it with tap water while she waited for him to get settled. He leaned against the counter, watching her fidget nervously. He hoped it wasn’t because he was gay. Sure, she’d hung out with Ralph a bunch, but maybe she thought it was weird with him because she’d always thought he was straight.

“How did you know?” she asked suddenly, ringing her glass around in her hands. 

“What?” he asked, unsure to what she was referring.

She bit the inside of her cheek, looking anywhere but him. “How did you know that you were gay?”

Huh, not exactly what he’d been expecting. It had been a compound of things, if he really thought about it. There was no one moment that said, yes, you’re gay, aside from saying it out loud. “I don’t know,” he admitted, “It was a lot of things, I guess. Falling for a guy is pretty gay, so that was a big sign.”

“Wait, you have a boyfriend?” she asked, looking offended he’d withheld such information. 

“What? No.” He’d actually been talking about Kes, but maybe it was better if she didn’t know that. “It was a long time ago, but that’s kind of when I realized I wasn’t straight. I knew that I was gay for quite a while too, but I didn’t even want to say the words out loud untul like a month ago. Heteronormativity is one hell of a drug.”

“Would heteronormativity make you want to sleep with someone and date someone that you aren’t actually into, not the way you should be?” she asked, and Lucas began to suspect this was less about him, and more about her. He wouldn’t say anything until she did, though, so he assumed the role of guru, even though he wasn’t quite sure he could fill that role yet.

“Yeah, you’ve seen how many girls I’ve been with. I’ve never slept with them, but there are plenty of gay people who have, either because they were in denial, or didn’t know they were gay yet, or whatever,” he said. Where was Ralph when you needed him?

She didn’t respond, still looking at the floor. Her water was still full, resting in her hands. Lucas felt like he should say something, but he didn’t know what to say. Finally, she looked up at him. “So… hypothetically, if I liked a girl, does that mean I’m a lesbian?”

“Not necessarily. There’s a whole lot of labels, or you don’t even need one at all.” 

“What if you had feelings for someone you know you shouldn’t?” she asked, and he felt like he was talking to a reflection of himself. He didn’t feel wiser than he had back then, but maybe he was. 

He gave her a hesitant smile. “Well then I’ve definitely been where you, hypothetically, are. And if you ever want to talk about it, I won’t judge in the slightest. I’m also pretty good at keeping secrets.”

She raised her eyebrows. “Didn’t you tell Gijs’ girlfriend that he kissed Isa?”

The one secret he hadn’t kept, of course. “I was in the closet for almost eighteen years, I can keep a secret,” he promised. 

“Well, thanks.” She set the full glass of water on the counter, folding her hands together. “I’m not really sure— I don’t know if I want to talk about anything yet.”

“That’s fine,” he assured her, “But I’m here when you do. I’m sure the girls are too.”

At the mention of the girls, Engel got a sick sort of look on her face, but it was gone in an instant. “Thanks, Lucas. And I hope you know I didn’t mean anything bad about the culture club thing— I just think it would be helpful for people to know more about the LGBTQ+ community as a whole. Me included.”

“I get it,” he said, because now he did. He didn’t know exactly what she was going through internally at the moment, but he could take an educated guess. “I can help with ideas, if you want. So will Ralph, I’m sure, even if he doesn’t go to our school.”

“Really?” she flashed him a wide grin, pulling him into a hug. “Thank you, thank you! You won’t regret it, I promise.”

No, he didn’t think he would. 

**WOENSDAG 18:23 - Karaoke?**

_ \- now playing: slowly by son lux - _

Despite the fact that they had a boys night planned for Friday, the boys ended up over at Lucas’ flat Wednesday night regardless. So did the girls, actually, and Lucas was both surprised and unsurprised by how well they were all getting along. Isa didn’t seem to be waiting for an opportunity to try to talk to Kes, and Kes didn’t seem to be pretending not to watch Isa all night. The newly formed dynamic duo of Janna and Jayden were entertaining everyone, and even Ralph, Esra, and Noah joined in on the fun. 

The ‘fun’, so to speak, wasn’t anything major, but it was normal. A good kind of normal. The kind that made you feel like you were wrapped up in a warm blanket. Lucas’ warm blanket was his friends, who’d let him be shitty and secretive and come to terms with himself on his own time and loved him through it all regardless. He only hoped he could repay the favor. 

“Luuuuucaaass!” Isa’s voice snapped him from his reverie and he blinked up at her dopily, realizing he’d likely been staring off into space for a prolonged period of time. 

“Yes?” he answered her with rapt attention. 

She pulled him up from his chair. “Come, we’re doing karaoke.”

“Karaoke?” 

She whispered to him conspiratorially. “Do you honestly think Ralph doesn’t own a karaoke machine?”

Truthfully, he’d never given it that much thought. “Does he?”

“No,” she admitted, “But he has a projector and youtube.”

“That’ll do it,” he agreed, allowing himself to be pulled into the living room to help set up. Liv and Ralph were already in there, fussing with Liv’s computer. The others trailed in behind them still chatting and laughing loudly. The funniest part of this all was that no one was drinking or anything. They were all aware that it was Wednesday, but somehow that didn’t stop anyone. 

“Liv gets to go first,” Engel said, plopping herself on the couch. Everyone filled in around her and Lucas ended up squished between Noah and Kes. Noah gave him a greeting nod, glint in his eyes. If Lucas wasn’t mistaken, he was enjoying the night just as much as everyone else. The boys should hang out with Noah more often, he decided. 

As requested, Liv took the microphone first (which was actually a hairbrush), and held out a hand for Isa to join her, handing her a separate hairbrush. They whispered together for a second, giggling between words as they chose a song. Liv gasped and tipped her head back in a loud laugh as Isa settled on one, nodding for Isa to click play.

_ \- now playing: shallow by lady gaga and bradley cooper - _

A chorus of groans turned laughs filled the room as the song started and Isa began to mock an exaggerated version of Bradley Cooper’s voice.

“Tell me somethin’, girl, are you happy in this modern world?” she sang seriously, trying to look like Bradley Cooper but mostly looking constipated. Lucas, and everyone, were laughing so hard they were nearly pissing themselves. Lucas could see how hard Liv was working to maintain a straight face while Isa kept singing. When it was her turn to come in everyone immediately quieted, remembering why Liv was currently in negotiations with a record label. 

Noah was looking at her with such softness in his eyes, and it was hard not to be affected by her voice in the same way he was. She looked at him, glimmer in her eyes matching the one in his. “I’m falling… In all the good times I find myself longing for change. And, in the bad times, I fear myself…”

The first chorus hit and Isa pretended to faint, Liv shoving her, laughter tainting the edges of her voice. The two of them sang together, and Lucas had to admit that when she wasn’t joking around Isa’s voice was quite nice. 

“In the sha-ha, sha-la-low, in the sha-sha-la-la-la-low, in the sha-ha, sha-ha-ha-low. We're far from the shallow now,” they sang, and Isa took a step back for Liv to continue on her own. Liv rolled her eyes, but she sang, filling the room with her voice and Lucas could have sworn they almost all dropped dead in awe right there. Then Janna whooped, cheering her on, and Isa joined, and Lucas couldn’t help but do the same.

“I’m off the deep end, watch as I dive in, I’ll never meet the ground! Crash through the surface, where they can’t hurt us, we’re far from the shallow now!” Liv belted into the microphone pointing at different people with each line, and they all continued to yell like they were in the front row at her concert. 

Isa joined back in for the end and everyone was on their feet, smiling and cheering and living in the moment. Not too long ago Lucas would have missed out on something like this, but he was glad that he wasn’t. The song finished with a flourish, and the two of them bowed, Liv blushing with an exhilarated look on her face. 

“I tag you next,” she said, pointing to him. 

He narrowed his eyes. “You just want to sit by Noah.”

“I can neither confirm nor deny.”

He shook his head, allowing her to take his hand and pull him off the couch. Turning around, he pointed at Kes. “You’re in this one with me, pal.”

“I thought you’d never ask,” Kes responded, leaping up and blowing him a kiss. “I already have our song picked out.”

Lucas knew what it was without Kes having to say anything. It was their song. Well, it was probably a lot of people’s songs, but Lucas and Kes had practically come out of the womb singing this song stupidly to and with one another. It didn’t hurt that it was the world’s best karaoke song. 

_ \- now playing: bohemian rhapsody by queen - _

“Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?” Kes and Lucas began, singing back to back. The moment the first words were out of their mouths the rest of their friends whooped excitedly, grinning at their song choice. “Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality… Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see…”

Kes took over. “I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy. Because I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low, any way the wind blows doesn’t really matter to me… to me.”

He mimicked playing the piano, pointing his hairbrush at Lucas. Lucas took a breath to hold in his laughter. They’d really perfected this performance over the years. “Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger now he’s dead. Mama, life had just begun… and now I’ve gone and thrown it all away—”

They turned to face each other. 

“Mama! Ooooh… Didn’t mean to make you cry, if I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters,” they sang in unison, fading back into a reenactment of playing the piano. Isa, who’d seen this performance a fair amount of times, had stepped away from the group and was holding up her phone to video them. 

“Too late,” Kes sang, solo, “My time has come… sent shivers down my spine—” Lucas and Kes both shivered to the music. “—body’s aching all the time. Goodbye, everybody, I’ve got to go… gotta leave you all behind and face the truth!”

“Mama! Ooooh!” Lucas belted into his hairbrush

“Any way the wind blows…”

“I don’t want to die!” he continued, “I sometimes wish I’d never been born at all!”

The guitar riff was, in Lucas’ humble opinion, the best part. He and Kes knew every inflection to hit and they had their routine down to a T. The operatic section was a blast as always, both of them switching off singing practically every other word. Lucas didn’t even look at his friend’s reactions, but he could hear them yelling and laughing their asses off. 

The song wound down sooner than Lucas would have expected, given it was roughly six minutes long, but once the rock section calmed down he and Kes each took a deep breath.

“Nothing really matters, anyone can see,” they both sang, before Kes went solo. 

“Nothing really matters.”

Then Lucas. “Nothing really matters.”

Together again. “To me…” 

Everyone in the room pretended to play the piano for the last bit of the song, joining in to sing, “Any way the wind blows…” 

Their cheers were a bit louder than Liv and Isa’s, though it definitely wasn’t because they were more talented. 

“How is anyone going to top that,” Jayden complained, high fiving the both of them as they sat back down. Lucas settled back in beside Isa this time, and she looked between him and Kes, squinting. 

“What’s going on with you two?” she asked him.

He squinted his eyes in return. “What do you mean?”

“Things seem different,” she said, “But I don’t know what changed.”

He shrugged. “I’m not living a lie anymore, I guess.”

Isa nodded thoughtfully. “That’ll do it.”

He laughed and shoved her, causing a domino effect. She retaliated, but he was ready for her counter attack. As Engel stepped up to the (hairbrush) microphone with Sander, of all people, Isa leaned in to whisper in his ear, “I’m happy for you, you know. You deserve to be happy.”

_ \- now playing: baby one more time by britney spears - _

Lucas’ expression softened as the opening notes to the song played, and he held her close in a half hug, trying not to let the happy tears that had filled his eyes spill. He really was a mess these days, but he supposed he’d rather be a happy mess than whatever he was before. 

Engel and Sander were actually quite the duo, once Lucas started paying attention, and the song was a certified banger, no matter what anyone else said. Engel reached for Liv to join her, and it was a butterfly effect from there. 

One by one, everyone started standing up, joining in on the song. Lucas followed Isa, grabbing her hands and spinning her in circles. 

“My loneliness is killing me— AND I— I must confess, I still believe— STILL BELIEVE!” they all sang, words warbled by the rate of laughter tainting the pitch and flow of their voices. None of them really needed the words on the screen, and they chose to dance with one another instead, smiling like it was their last night on earth and they wanted to go out with a bang. 

Britney Spears’ voice played above it all, and Lucas had a sudden realization that he hadn’t thought about Kaz once in the entire time they’d been hanging out. It turned out that Sander wasn’t a bad guru at all, and that his advice was pretty solid.

“Hit me baby one more time!” everyone shouted at the top of their lungs, collapsing in a giant pile on the furniture. Lucas didn’t know who was who or where he was in the giant pile of laughing bodies, but he wouldn’t have had it any other way. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49147846486/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49147342083/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49147836941/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DONDERDAG 19:19 - You’re a lot braver than people give you credit for**

_ \- now playing: why do you feel so down by declan mckenna -  _

Lucas had been tasked with preparing dinner for the night, and he had to admit that he was still a bit worn out from the night before. Everyone had stayed over, and no one had fallen asleep until the early hours of the morning, which wasn’t the best idea on a Wednesday, but none of them had any regrets. Liv had lulled them to sleep with a rendition of Daydreamer by Adele that had left everyone speechless. Noah had looked at her like he’d heard that one before, but he would be satisfied listening to it again and again until the day he died. 

Noah had offered to help Lucas in the kitchen, which Lucas was grateful for, because Noah was a much better cook than he was. He wasn’t bad by any means, but he only knew a certain variety of dishes, and Noah was willing to experiment with anything.

Noah’s nails were freshly painted a pale, silvery blue that the light reflected off of quite beautifully, and Lucas got lost in thought staring at them. He’d seen Noah paint his nails, and Ralph, and it was a secret desire of his to do so, though he’d never really allowed himself to consider it. He smelled something begin to burn and swore to himself, remembering that he was supposed to be watching the stove. 

“All good?” Noah asked amusedly, sparing Lucas the barest glance. 

“I think so?” Lucas said in response. He didn’t really know what they were making, so he hoped that his inattention hadn’t ruined it. Noah, sensing his hesitation, came over to look at his possible mistake, and Lucas’ eyes caught on his hands again until one of them waved in front of his face. 

“Earth to Lucas,” Noah said, “You in there?”

Lucas blinked, blushing. “Yeah. Sorry.”

“Should I ask, or are you going to tell me?” Noah asked, turning off the stove and moving the food to a non warm burner. 

“Why do you paint your nails?” he asked, blurting it out in one big jumble. 

Noah’s face briefly looked shocked, then contemplative. “I don’t know,” he admitted, “Because I like it. Does it need to have some grand reason?”

“No, no,” Lucas said quickly, “I just…” He trailed off. He didn’t know what he was trying to say.

“You think it’s gay?” Noah teased, and Lucas rolled his eyes. “Because I’m straight.”

“No.” Lucas groaned, shrugging his shoulders up to his chin and tilting his head back. “I guess I just, I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

“Lucas, it’s ok, I’m just teasing you,” Noah said with a small smile, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

Lucas sighed deeply, trying to sort the thoughts in his mind to form at least one coherent sentence. “No, I know that, I just… ugh. Say, hypothetically, I wanted to paint my nails. I don’t want to be some sort of cliche.” He was explaining poorly, judging by the look on Noah’s face. 

“Do you think Ralph is a cliche?” Noah asked once he finished. 

“No, of course not,” Lucas said. What did Ralph have to do with anything?

“Do you think I’m a cliche?” he asked.

Lucas frowned. “What kind of cliche would you be?”

Noah laughed, then, looking up at the ceiling. “I’m sure Liv could tell you.”

Lucas still didn’t really know what any of that had to do with their conversation. Noah sighed. “Listen, Lucas, cliches aren’t necessarily a bad thing, so long as they don’t become generalizations. You’re a gay guy who wants to paint his nails? Cool, but that doesn’t mean all gay guys do. I paint my nails, that doesn’t mean I’m gay, or ‘girly’. Not that ‘girly’ is a bad thing, we’re just conditioned to believe it is. So what if I like effeminate things? I think it makes me more of a man to appreciate that side of myself.”

Lucas thought back to the stupid online quiz he’d taken, and the offense he’d taken to being called effeminate. The rational part of him knew it wasn’t a bad thing at all, but that part of him still trapped in a dingy closet somewhere said that it was a word he didn’t want to be associated with. “How did you get to that point?” he asked.

“Are you asking hypothetically?” Noah countered. 

Lucas shook his head no, looking down at his feet. Noah continued, “Think about it like this. Your hair, it’s longer now, yeah? And you like it like that?” Lucas nodded, not sure how this correlated.

“Well, not everyone likes your hair long like that, I’m sure, but you keep it long anyway, because you do. Not everyone likes it when I paint my nails, but I do, because I like it. If we pay more attention to the things that we like and stop paying attention to what other people think, what does it matter if they don’t like it? Why are we doing anything for those people anyway?” he said, and Lucas understood, even if he was still a bit hesitant. 

“What if it’s not that easy?” Lucas asked with a small, nervous laugh. 

Noah grinned back at him. “I never said anything about it being easy. But for what it’s worth, I think you’re a lot braver than people give you credit for, yourself included.”

Lucas blushed. “Thanks,” he said, and Noah ruffled his hair. 

“Anytime.” He looked back at the food preparations they’d neglected. “Now we’d better turn this into something edible before Liv has both of our heads.”

“Probably a good idea,” Lucas agreed, moving back to the stove. He glanced at Noah out of the corner of his eye and smiled.  _ You’re a lot braver than people give you credit for _ . He wasn’t so sure about it, but he sure hoped he would prove that statement to be right.

_ \- now playing: modern love by david bowie -  _

**VRIJDAG 7:55 - From the playboys to the gay boys**

Lucas was staring at himself in the mirror, thinking over his conversation with Noah the day before. He had no idea how to paint his nails, so he figured it wasn’t the best time to try, but he’d been really affected by what Noah had said, enough so that he may or may not have blown some of his father’s money ordering clothes online after dinner. Usually he tried to be as self sufficient as possible, using his father’s money only when he absolutely needed it, but he figured there was no way better to stick it to his hypermasculine father than to buy a bunch of ‘girly’ clothes with his money.

Liv knocked on his door. “Luc? You almost ready to go?”

He was not, still standing in his underwear. He opened his door before thinking about that fact, turning red in embarrassment as he noticed Liv blink as she was taken aback. “I’ll take that as a no?” she said, but he walked out past her to Ralph’s room. She followed him warily as he knocked. 

“Ralph?” he asked, not really caring if he was waking Ralph up. Sure enough, after about thirty seconds of continuous knocking, a bleary eyed Ralph appeared in the door. 

“Why are you naked?” was the first thing he asked, and Lucas saw Liv shrug behind him. 

“I’m not naked,” he argued, “But, um, can I borrow something?”

Ralph narrowed his eyes. “What something?”

Lucas bit his lip. Maybe this was a bad idea. “I, uh, don’t know. Clothes?” 

The corner of Ralph’s mouth curled into a smile, one of his eyebrows raising, and a glint in his eye. “Trying to look gayer are we?” he asked, mostly joking, but Lucas shook his head. 

“Trying to look more like _ me _ , I think,” he answered honestly, and Ralph welcomed him in. 

_ \- now playing: boys by lizzo - _

To say he felt uncomfortable would have been an understatement, but to say he felt exhilarated would also have been one. Thankfully, at the moment, exhilarated was winning out. It wasn't anything major, but he still felt different, even if different was more himself than he’d ever been. 

He was wearing his own jeans, the ones that were a little short above his ankles with one of Liv’s loose patterned button downs tucked in, top few buttons undone, a faux fur coat from Ralph that he’d been the most hesitant about wearing, but kind of loved, and a simple pair of white sneakers. Some rings adorned his fingers, tangle of necklaces around his neck that Liv had styled for him. Was it the most out there outfit in the world? No, but it was definitely a little different from his usual everyday style. He liked it, though, and he liked the way Liv and Ralph had styled his hair so it fell in his eyes intentionally, curls shining from whatever product Liv had attacked them with. 

He allowed himself to look at people as he walked into school, headphones blasting in a way that made him feel like he was in a music video. More accurately, he allowed himself to look at boys, to appreciate them a bit. Sure, he was still very in love with Kaz, that probably wasn't going away any time soon, but other boys were still fun to look at, and he didn’t feel ashamed of it anymore. 

Kes, Jayden, and Sander invaded his field of vision, and he smiled at them, appreciating them all the same. He liked Kes’ soft curls and Jayden’s cocky smile, he liked the way Sander tilted his head back when he laughed at whatever Jayden was saying, and he liked how Kes was smiling, specifically at Lucas, telling him that he had nothing to worry about.

“That coat is  _ fire _ , dude,” Sander said when Lucas pulled down his headphones. “Can I borrow it sometime?”

Lucas hit a fake pose, laughing with the rest of them. “It’s Ralph’s actually, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“Excellent.”

Kes held out his fist and Lucas bumped it with his own, their eyes meeting in a brief but beautiful wave of understanding and of pride. There were plenty of things to be afraid of in the world, but at the same time, there was nothing to be afraid of. The world was so much brighter when you weren’t constantly at war with yourself or keeping so many secrets each breath taken felt heavier than the last. 

Lucas walked to class arm in arm with his best friends, and he couldn’t stop smiling, breathing better than he had in years. 

**VRIJDAG 20:19 - I had to know for sure**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49147836531/in/dateposted-friend/)

_ \- now playing: back to black by andre 3000 and beyonce - _

As fun as hanging out with everyone had been the other day, it was nice to have a boys night. He supposed they’d had one a few weeks back, but that had been the night everything had gone to shit, and Lucas was mostly glad he was past that point mentally and emotionally. It felt good to drink beer and talk about nothing in particular.

“Have you guys heard about that dude who tried to make beer in his locker?” Sander asked, laughing through his words. Lucas, Kes, and Jayden groaned imagining it. 

“That probably smelled like shit!” Kes exclaimed, wincing. 

Sander nodded, wrinkling his nose. “Tell me about it. Probably tasted like shit too.”

Jayden shrugged thoughtfully, lifting up his own beer. “Not sure we're the ones to talk.” 

“Hey!” Kes said indignantly. “It’s cheap and it gets you drunk, what more can you ask for?”

“So much more,” Lucas sighed dramatically, fist bumping Jayden as Kes flipped him off. Sander launched into another story, and Lucas checked Instagram, blushing and flipping his phone so none of them could see it when he realized it went automatically to Kaz’s page, which hadn’t been updated since the day the two of them kissed for the first time. 

Kes looked at him questioningly, and Sander paused his story. “What’s going on here.”

“Nothing,” Lucas said too quickly, defenseless as Kes plucked his phone and looked at the screen. He gave Lucas a look that said  _ I would be disappointed, but I also expected this _ . Which, fair. 

“Dude, I thought you were trying to forget about him,” Jayden said, glancing at the phone screen. 

“I was,” Lucas groaned, “But I can’t. Not when I still don’t know what his note means.”

“Woah, woah, woah, what note?” Sander asked, and Lucas furrowed his brows. 

“The one I got last Friday.”

Sander’s eyes bugged out. “Excuse me, why didn’t we hear about this note?”

“I knew about it,” Kes said haughtily, but Sander shushed him. 

“Show us now, please,” Sander continued. 

Lucas got up, sighing. He didn’t know what good it would do. He’d been proud of himself, putting the note in a drawer in his desk and not taking it out once since Kes had chided him for sleeping with it in his pocket. It had taken much more self control to do so than he cared to admit. The paper was fairly worn as well, because Lucas had folded and refolded it more times than he could count. He tossed it on the table and Sander and Jayden bent over to read it. 

Sander looked confused, but Jayden’s eyes widened. “Dude,” Jayden said, “Why on earth did you not show this to us?”

“Because it makes no sense?” Lucas said with a shrug.

Jayden shook his head, picking up the note and waving it. “This is a quote.”

A quote. “Ok?”

“From  _ The Great Gatsby _ ,” Jayden continued, and Lucas jolted to attention. Fuck, how could he have been so stupid, not thinking to check if it was a quote or not? Of course Kaz would leave a note like that, pretentious shit he was.

“How do you know that?” Sander asked with an incredulous laugh, and Jayden blushed. 

“When that guy gave Lucas that book I checked it out as well because I figured if Lucas liked it it must have been interesting. It was, I thoroughly enjoyed it,” he explained, “I don’t see what the big deal about that is.” 

“You know that was Kaz, right? Kaz gave me that book, it was actually his,” Lucas said. He’d never really considered the fact that his friends hadn’t met Kaz directly. 

Jayden choked on his beer. “ _ That _ was Kaz? Dude! He’s hot as fuck!”

“I’m aware.”

“So what does the quote mean?” Kes asked, and Jayden turned sheepish. 

“I don’t remember. I just remember that Daisy said it in the book at some point.”

Daisy said it… why couldn’t Lucas place it? He probably should have reread the book when Kaz gave him that copy, but he hadn’t really done more than sleep with it under his pillow (Kes didn’t know about that, thankfully). He’d watched the movie fairly recently, though, granted he hadn’t been on the lookout for meaningful quotes. His phone buzzed in his pocket and he turned it on silent, still thinking. He didn’t have time for distractions. 

“Do you still have the book he gave you?” Sander asked, and Lucas nodded. Sander looked at him like he couldn’t believe Lucas was still standing there. “Go get it then! We need all the information we can get.”

Lucas jumped up from his chair and hurried to his bedroom, finding the book exactly where he’d left it. It was creased and well worn in such a way that Lucas knew Kaz had read this exact copy many times, something that made him feel like he knew Kaz more intimately than he did. 

The note Kaz had left for him was still inside the front cover and he took it out before he set the book on the table, folding it gently and placing it in his pocket. Jayden grabbed the book and started flipping through the pages at rapid speed, stopping every once and a while to scan the words. “Dude, Kaz writes a lot in his books,” he observed, showing Lucas all the little annotations Kaz had made in various colored pens. 

Lucas snatched the book back, remembering how Kaz had said he didn’t let just anyone read it. He didn’t want to accidentally fuck up something that was so important to him, even if they weren’t together. He flipped to a random page and skimmed, mostly looking at Kaz’s notes until he reached a highlighted and underlined passage. His heart stopped beating.

_ “‘Who wants to go to town?’ demanded Daisy insistently. Gatsby's eyes floated toward her. ‘Ah,’ she cried, ‘You look so cool.’ _

_ Their eyes met, and they stared together at each other, alone in space. With an effort she glanced down at the table. _

_ ‘You always look so cool,’ she repeated. _

_ She had told him that she loved him, and Tom Buchanan saw. He was astounded. His mouth opened a little, and he looked at Gatsby, and then back at Daisy as if he had just recognized her as someone he knew a long time ago.” _

She had told him that she loved him.  _ She had told him that she loved him _ . Fuck, Lucas was an idiot. His face must have paled considerably, because suddenly he was being shaken by Kes, who looked very concerned. 

“Luc? Buddy? You good?” Kes asked gently, and all Lucas could do was shake his head no as if being woken from a daze. That didn’t mean he missed the look Kes and Sander shared though, the one that had the two of them wondering if Lucas had finally lost it. He shoved the book towards them in lieu of an explanation, letting them see for themselves. 

“Holy shit.”

“ _ Fuck _ dude!”

Lucas nodded miserably to their reactions, putting his face in his hands. 

Jayden laughed in disbelief. “Dude your life is like a tv show, I swear. We could sell this shit to npo, for one of those shows where each season follows a different character or something.”

“We could, but the show would probably get cancelled before my season,” Lucas said miserably, “The world wants me to suffer.”

“If it did, we’d just have to write it ourselves,” Sander reassured him, and Lucas poked his head up, laughing mirthlessly.

“Can’t imagine anyone wanting to do that.”

Sander shrugged and took a sip of his beer, and Lucas dropped his head back into his arms on the table. “Seriously though, what the fuck do I do now? I ignored him for a week because I thought this meant he didn’t care about me, but it turns out it was a  _ declaration of love _ .”

“Text him?” Jayden suggested, mouth agape. Kes smacked him upside the head from across the table. “What?” Jayden complained, grimacing. 

“He can’t just randomly text him,” Kes said, shaking his head. 

“Why?” Lucas asked. He was willing to do just about anything at this point.

Kes spread his hands as he explained. “It’s too cold, too informal. So many things can be misread over text, and you guys clearly already have quiet the issue with communication.”

Lucas would have taken offense to that if he hadn’t (begrudgingly) agreed. “So what do I do then?”

“Call him?” Sander suggested, and Kes shook his head again.

“You have to go to him,” Kes said with a satisfied smile, leaning back in his chair. 

Lucas squinted. “Go to him?”

“You know where he lives, right?” Kes confirmed.

Lucas shrugged. “Vaguely. I could probably figure it out. Shouldn’t I give him a heads up?”

Kes sighed dramatically, like he couldn’t believe Lucas was asking him such a stupid question. “Have you never heard of a grand romantic gesture? Those aren’t planned or on some sort of schedule. That’s what makes them grand and romantic. Go get your boy, Luc, you haven’t got a second to waste!”

Kes was right. If Lucas was serious about this, he had to show Kaz that he was serious about it. He still felt like an idiot for not realizing what Kaz had wanted to tell him, and hoped that Kaz wouldn’t laugh in his face should he show up so late. But he had to try. He had to fight, because he was starting to become the person he’d always wanted to be, and he wanted to become that person with Kaz by his side. 

“Ok,” he agreed, standing from his chair. “I’m going to go get my boy.”

The other three whooped, cheering him on as he scrambled around the apartment for his shoes and coat. He debated whether it’d be easier to take the bus or his bike and decided not to risk the bus. It might take longer on his bike, but at least then he would know he was going to the right place if he followed the route Kaz had taken him on his motorcycle. 

He was already out of breath by the time he made it to the door, throwing it open and stumbling back in surprise as he took in the figure standing on the opposite side, hand raised to knock. 

_ \- now playing: still don’t know my name by labrinth -  _

“Hi,” he said, breathing heavily.

Kaz shifted on his feet. “I texted,” he said, lowering his hand. 

Lucas thought back to his phone vibrating earlier and he cursed himself for not looking at it. 

“Are you going somewhere?” Kaz continued, taking in Lucas’ appearance. 

Lucas shook his head, still staring wide eyed at Kaz. He took a moment to stare, then blinked himself out of his stupor. Before he could respond, Sander called out from the other room. “Luc?”  
Both Kaz and Lucas’ heads turned in the direction of the kitchen. When Lucas turned back to Kaz, he’d taken a step back. “You have company,” Kaz said, bowing his head, “This was a stupid— I’ll go.”

Lucas watched him take a few steps, then realized he’d probably regret it for the rest of his life if he didn’t stop him. “Wait!”

Kaz turned around, and it was hard not to notice the sparkle of hope in his eyes. Lucas was sure the same sparkle shone in his eyes, and he hoped Kaz could see it too. He must have, because Kaz stopped walking away, and took slow hesitant steps until he was back in front of Lucas at the door. “Come in,” Lucas said, then, “Wait here for a second.”

Kaz did as he was told, and Lucas rushed to the kitchen, throwing his jacket off as he did. 

“Out!” he hissed quietly as he reached the boys, who looked very confused. “Out, now, and please, for the love of god, don’t say a word.”

The boys stood up, even though they still looked confused. “What’s going on Luc? I thought you were going to Kaz?” Kes whispered, and Lucas shot him a look that said  _ shut up _ . They followed him into the living room, mercilessly not noticing Kaz standing on the other side of the room. Kaz was all Lucas could see though, his brows crinkled in confusion as he watched the boys gather their things in silence. Unfortunately, he spoke up, drawing everyone’s attention to him. Kes, Jayden, and Sander’s jaws all dropped when they saw who it was. 

“Please, don’t leave on my account,” Kaz said shyly, looking from Lucas to the floor and back again. 

Kes was the first to recover. “We were on our way out anyway, actually. Parties and all that.”

“Places to go, people to see,” Jayden chimed in, leaning an arm on Kes’ shoulder. 

“Very busy,” Sander added, throwing Kes and Jayden’s shoes at them. 

“Right,” Kaz said skeptically, hint of a smile on his face. 

The next minute it took for them to put their shoes and coats on was excruciating. The silence in the room felt as though it was threatening to swallow Lucas whole, but at least Kaz looked a bit more comfortable. 

The boys were making eyes at him while he shoved them out the door, trying his best to ignore the words they were mouthing and gestures they were making. Once the door was shut Lucas released a breath, turning back to face Kaz. The silence in the room expanded itself tenfold.

“I know I shouldn’t be here,” Kaz began, taking a small step closer to Lucas and shaking his head. “I just— I had to know for sure.”

Lucas took a step. “Had to know what?”

Kaz took a step. “Did you get my note?”

Lucas took a step. “Did you get mine?”

Kaz took a step. They were nearly toe to toe. “Is it real, this time?” he asked, knocking Lucas off his axis. 

“Oh, Kaz, it’s been real the whole time,” Lucas said, a feather light gasp, almost like a prayer on his lips. “And for the record, you always look  _ so, so  _ cool.” 

He couldn’t help it, he knew they had more to say, so much more, but that could wait. For now, all he wanted was Kaz, and he wasn’t going to waste a single moment. 

It seemed Kaz had the same idea, because they met in the middle, lips crashing together like the seas crashing into the harbor, a hurricane of passion, of pain, of love. 

“I’m so sorry,” Lucas whispered between their lips as they pulled apart for air, and Kaz put a finger to his lips. 

“You apologize too much,” Kaz said in the same sort of desperate whisper. “Just kiss me until I go blind.”

That, Lucas could very well try to do. He would never have enough words to apologize for the hurt and miscommunication he’d caused, but he could try to make up for it now with every fiber of his being. And he intended to. 

He trailed his hands along the zipper of Kaz’s jacket, undoing it and helping him shrug it off before tossing it onto the couch. Their shoes went next, kicked off in whichever direction was easiest, lips hardly ever breaking contact. By the time they were pressed up against Lucas’ bedroom door, they were grabbing the bottoms of each other’s shirts, ripping them off with reckless abandon and dropping them without a second thought. Lucas reached behind himself and twisted the doorknob, causing them both to stumble into his room. 

They giggled like schoolchildren as they struggled to right themselves and regain their balance, looking each other in the eyes in a way that Lucas had been missing for so long it had felt like he was missing a part of himself. 

Kaz kicked the door shut and Lucas kicked his jeans off, grabbing Kaz by the back of the neck and pulling him close. They continued to stumble back until they reached the edge of Lucas’ bed, breathing heavily and in synch. 

As Lucas hit the mattress, gazing at Kaz hovering above him, who he loved and who loved him (somehow,  _ somehow _ ), he saw stars.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49147341943/in/dateposted-friend/)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	8. week eight: do you love me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whew guys week 8 kills me every damn time but hopefully there's enough fluff in here to make up for it
> 
> also i don't do smut so like sorry but not sorry
> 
> tw: allusion to suicide attempt, mention of bipolar disorder/ mixed episode

_ \- now playing: soft universe by aurora - _

Lucas opened his eyes to the soft morning light slowly, still basking in the memories of the night before. He reached over to the other side of the bed, expecting to find a warm body but coming up empty. His eyes opened fully much quicker than he’d been prepared to, heart sinking with the sight of an empty bed. He was an idiot. Maybe Kaz had just come over last night as some sort of revenge for the way Lucas had played with his feelings, and now they were apart again, never to come back together. 

That didn’t stop Lucas from looking around his room for a note and feeling his chest sink when he found nothing of the sort. There were a lot of voices in the kitchen and Lucas assumed it was Liv and the girls, maybe Ralph as well. He really didn’t want to have to face them when he was certain his heart had just been broken once again, but he put on a brave face and a t shirt, not even bothering with pants. What did he care if any of them saw him in his boxers? Besides, he was pretty sure most of his clothes were still strewn in the living room.

The voices and laughter were louder when he opened the door to his room and he checked his phone as he made his way to the kitchen, scrolling through the last messages he’d received and finding nothing new from Kaz. 

“Mmm, that is so good. Damn, you’re quite the chef, huh?” Isa said, and Lucas wondered who she was talking to. Liv was the only good chef in their house. 

“I wouldn’t go that far…” another voice said, and Lucas took the last few steps toward the kitchen at a brisker pace. His heart melted in relief when he saw Kaz at the stove, the girls and Ralph in various locations around the kitchen watching him. Lucas realized that Kaz was wearing one of Lucas’ sweatshirts and nothing else aside from his underwear, and a part of him felt victorious even though he probably should have been embarrassed. 

Kaz was the first to notice his entrance into the kitchen, like he was innately tuned into Lucas’ presence, and the smile that lit his face when Lucas walked in was everything Lucas loved about the world. He abandoned what he was doing at the stove to greet Lucas. 

“Morning,” he said shyly, blush lighting his cheeks. They looked at each other silently for a moment before melting into a short, sweet kiss. It was enough that Lucas nearly forgot about the number of people standing there watching him. All he wanted to do was wrap his arms around Kaz’s neck and repeat what they’d done the night before, but that would probably be indecent in this environment, so he pulled back slowly, pressing his forehead to Kaz’s chest briefly before righting himself. 

Kaz looked at him like the sun shone out of his soul. “I hope you don’t mind I made some breakfast. It was supposed to be for you, but…” he trailed off, shooting a raised eyebrow in Isa’s direction. 

Lucas found that he couldn’t form coherent thought at the moment, not while he’d just been kissed so thoroughly. He also still couldn’t fully settle the fear that had risen inside him when he’d woken up alone, thinking Kaz had played games with him. 

“We should head out anyway,” Liv said, clapping her hands together, “We have those culture club posters to make, but we have to get supplies, right?”

Lucas knew it was just an excuse, given the confusion on everyone else’s faces. Luckily, Esra was also there, and Esra had the majority of the braincells in the kitchen. “That’s true, Liv hardly has any craft supplies. And Ralph and Lucas? Please. Come, I know just the place.”

She hopped up, her and Liv pulling the other girls with her. Lucas caught the end of a look Esra sent in Ralph’s direction, causing him to jump and follow her out as well. “I think I might come too, we could all use more craft supplies,” he added needlessly, causing Lucas to roll his eyes and Kaz to bite the corner of his lips to hide a grin. Just when Lucas thought they were in the clear, Ralph poked his head back in and said, “I took the liberty of picking up the clothes you two threw all over the living room, just fyi.”

“I did that!” Liv yelled from the other room, and Lucas wanted to die, just a little bit. Thankfully Kaz seemed to find it amusing. Ralph gave them one last eyebrow wiggle before disappearing, following the girls out of the apartment. 

Once they were alone, Lucas felt himself relax. He didn’t have to put on a show for Kaz, and they had a lot to talk about. Kaz could clearly sense this, because he turned off the stove and placed his dirty dishes in the sink, gesturing for Lucas to sit across from him at the breakfast table. 

“How are you?” Kaz asked, twirling his fork around on his plate but not eating anything. 

Lucas looked away from him. “I thought you left this morning. I woke up and you weren’t there…”

Kaz’s expression softened and he gestured to himself. “I’m right here.”

“I know,” Lucas said, “But I thought you’d just come last night to get even with me for how shitty I was and left in the morning to teach me some sort of lesson.”

Kaz’s jovial face turned immediately serious. “Lucas. You have to know I wouldn’t do that. It’s always been you for me. I’ve made that very clear.”

“I know,” Lucas repeated, rubbing his face with his hands. “I just, I find it hard to trust people. I always think the worst and I second guess myself constantly. I’m— I’m working on it. I really am. But I get scared so easily, and I don’t always believe I deserve the good things in my life.”

Kaz captured Lucas hand with his, rubbing slow circles on the back of it. His gaze was soft, understanding. “You do. You deserve the best life has to offer.”

The corner of Lucas’ mouth twitched, but then he thought of all the shit he’d put Kaz through and he frowned again. “How can you say that with how I’ve treated you?”

“How you’ve treated me?” Lucas nodded. “Lucas, I kissed your ex girlfriend at a party when I knew you were watching two days after I’d almost asked you to be my boyfriend.”

“But I was the reason Sofie even approached you in the first place.”

“Lucas, I appreciate your willingness to take the blame, but at the end of the day I could have said no when she told me to kiss her, and I could have stopped when I saw you, and I could have gone after you and fought for us, but I didn’t do any of those things because I was scared too. But I couldn’t live with the thought that I’d played a part in ruining any future we might have had, especially after I got your letter, so now I’m here and I’m not going anywhere,” Kaz said, emotions lacing his every word. 

Lucas believed him, he really did, and any hard feelings he’d harbored were long gone. “Will you let me apologize for pushing you away, though? Because it’s one of the stupidest things I’ve ever done.”

“I will. And I forgive you.” Kaz shifted their hands so they folded together. “Will you let me apologize for how I reacted when you did and for kissing Sofie at that party?”

“I will. And I forgive you too.” Kaz smiled and leaned across the table, kissing Lucas deeply. Lucas brought his hands up to Kaz’s face then, now that they were alone and he could do whatever he wanted to do. “What does this mean, then? Are you my boyfriend?” Lucas asked when their lips were millimeters from each other.

Kaz leaned back, raising one eyebrow. “Do you want me to be?”

“I do.”

“Thank god,” Kaz said, leaning back in. “I’d love for you to be mine.”

_ \- now playing: love story by taylor swift -  _

Kaz gasped, pulling away and looking towards the counter. “This song!”  
Lucas honestly hadn’t even realized their radio was on, put Kaz jumped up to turn up the volume, wide grin on his face. Lucas stood up to follow him, eyes widening when he heard what the song was. “Are you serious?” he asked with an incredulous laugh.

Kaz furrowed his brows. “What do you mean?”

“Love Story?” He shook his head, reaching over to turn it down, but Kaz slapped his hand away. 

“If you don’t like Taylor Swift I might have to break up with you,” Kaz said seriously. 

Lucas opened his mouth, then closed it. “Aren’t you supposed to be one of those pretentious artists who only consume the highest caliber of art and music and literature and whatnot?”

Kaz blinked at him, then gestured to the radio. “Taylor Swift is one of the greatest lyricists of all time. Just because her music is mainstream, doesn’t make it any less impactful. Is the Starry Night less beautiful because the world reveres it?”

“Are you really comparing Taylor Swift’s music to the Starry Night?”

“I thought I was the pretentious art type here?” Kaz clarified, hint of a smile on his face. 

Lucas shook his head again. “I’m not saying Taylor Swift doesn’t have good music, she does, but Love Story? How much more cliche can you get. Romeo and Juliet isn’t romantic, it’s idiotic.”

“You take that back right now,” Kaz said in a low offended voice. “You will not disrespect Baz Luhrmann’s 1996 masterpiece on my watch.”

“I thought you were a Gatsby fan?” Lucas teased.

“I can be both,” Kaz huffed, crossing his arms. “Leonardo DiCaprio is the Romeo and the Gatsby we deserve.”

“Wow, I really thought I’d found the man of my dreams but it turns out he’s a secret Taylor Swift and Leonardo DiCaprio love bot, the two most cliche people to be a superfan of,” Lucas lamented, sighing dramatically. He didn’t honestly care, but it was cute seeing Kaz get all worked up about Taylor Swift, of all people.

Kaz’s whole body stilled, his eyes focused intently on Lucas. “What did you say?”

What did he say? Oh. Shit. Lucas widened his eyes innocently, shaking his head. “Just that it’s stupid that you’re a Taylor Swift and Leo DiCaprio fan.”

“No, the other thing,” Kaz said, stepping closer still. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lucas’ voice was soft and sparse, the barest whisper meant for only Kaz to hear. 

Kaz’s finger traced his jawline. “You said I’m the man of your dreams.”

Lucas swallowed, gaze unwavering from Kaz’s face. “Did I?”

Their noses brushed together, such an intimate gesture Lucas probably would have laughed at if it was anyone other than Kaz. “Say it again,” Kaz said, adoration and reverence coating his soft spoken words.

Lucas looked up from where his gaze had unconsciously strayed to Kaz’s lips. Their eyes met in a heated stare. “You’re the man of my dreams.”

Kaz smiled, a smile both brighter than the sun and softer than its rays, pressing their foreheads together and placing his hands on either side of Lucas’ face. “You’re the man of my dreams as well.”

The kiss felt feather light, but also passionate, like it was filled with the intent of Kaz showing Lucas every emotion inside of him. He succeeded, Lucas felt them all, and even though it was a bit overwhelming, it was one of the best kisses they’d shared. Kaz pulled back the smallest amount and at first Lucas thought Kaz was teasing him, but then the corners of his mouth twitched and he opened his mouth wider—

“ _ Romeo save me, I’ve been feeling so alone, I keep waiting for you but you never come, _ ” Kaz sang, with more depth than probably necessary. Lucas was a bit dumbfounded to learn in that moment that Kaz’s voice could put angels to shame, but then again he should have expected that by now. “ _ Is this in my head? I don’t know what to think, he knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring and said— _ ”

“ _ Marry me, Juliet, you’ll never have to be alone, I love you and that’s all I really know, _ ” Lucas joined in. He knew in the back of his mind from the minute Kaz started singing that he would join in, share in this stupid, beautiful moment.

Kaz’s resulting grin was exuberant and he lifted Lucas up, spinning him around. “ _ I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress— _ ”

“ _ —it’s a love story baby just say yes, _ ” Lucas finished, curling his arms around Kaz’s shoulders and bending them to cradle Kaz’s head, running fingers through his hair. 

Kaz leaned in for another kiss, singing against his lips. “Oh, oh… Oh, oh…”

Taylor’s voice on the radio sang the last line as Kaz finally set him down, never letting him go completely. “We were both young when I first saw you…”

Lucas breathed out a laugh, shutting his eyes and shaking his head against Kaz’s forehead. When he opened his eyes, Kaz was already staring at him, a mischievous glint in his eyes. 

“So you know it, then?” he asked, gesturing to the radio.

Lucas rolled his eyes. “Everyone knows it.”

“Hmmm, I don’t know, if I didn’t know better I’d say you’re a secret Swiftie,” Kaz continued, brushing his fingers through Lucas’ long curls. 

Lucas sighed dramatically. “You got me. ‘Teardrops on my Guitar’ was my anthem back in the day,” he joked. “I Knew You Were Trouble? Iconic.”

“I knew it!” Kaz laughed, shaking his head side to side. “In that case, can I go where you go? Can we always be this close, forever and ever?”

Lucas had no idea what Kaz was saying, assumed they were more Taylor Swift lyrics. He’d pretty much exhausted his Taylor Swift knowledge already, and Kaz seemed to catch that, laughing at the crease between his eyebrows. 

He pecked Lucas on the lips slowly, pulling away gently like he never wanted to let go. “You’re my, my, my, my, lover.”

Lucas grinned into the next kiss, holding Kaz so close and so tight that there was barely any space between them. This was about as far as Lucas wanted to be from Kaz from now on, and he was pretty sure Kaz agreed. 

“You’re my, my, my, my, lover,” Kaz said again against Lucas’ lips. Lucas liked the sound of that. 

**ZONDAG 13:44 - A story for a different time**

_ \- now playing: it’s nice to have a friend by taylor swift - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49178940813/in/dateposted-friend/)

** _Pap (4 messages)_ **

** _Instagram: Your post is blowing up! Come check your profile to promote your post!_ **

** _them boiiiiiiiiz (10 messages)_ **

** _Instagram: kzjnssn sent you a message!_ **

** _Instagram: kzjnssn sent you a message!_ **

** _Kaz (28 messages)_ **

** _Kes de Beus (2 messages)_ **

** _Jayden Mulder (1 message)_ **

** _Instagram: sxnder_ sent you a message!_ **

** _Instagram: isa.keijser, livreijners, lucallemant, srodulv, broodjeralph, earthlingoddity, isakyaki, and more liked your post!_ **

** _Unknown (2 missed calls)_ **

** _Isa Keijser (1 message)_ **

** _han der reijners (3 messages)_ **

Lucas groaned, hearing his phone buzz for the millionth time. Kaz’s arms tightened around him, trying to keep him from checking his phone. They were laying in Lucas’ bed together and had been trying to make out in peace for the last hour or so. He gave Kaz one last quick peck before reaching over to his phone, glaring at Kaz as he looked at the notifications. 

“You can’t be mad at me for this you’ve sent me twenty-eight messages via text and two messages via Instagram,” Lucas said with a laugh, opening up his phone. “When did you have time to send me twenty-eight messages anyhow?” 

“I live texted your nap,” Kaz said casually.

“You  _ what _ ?” Lucas clarified, opening the messages and seeing that, yep, that’s exactly what Kaz did. 

**Kaz: ur cute when u sleep**

**Kaz: ok that was gonna be one cute message for u to wake up to but im bored now so i’m gonna live text your nap**

**Kaz: ur lil curls are fluttering when you breathe out of your nose emoji**

**Kaz: just kissed ur cheek and u made a lil scrunchy face but otherwise no reaction**

**Kaz: !!!!!!**

**Kaz: ur trying to hold my hand!!!!**

**Kaz: tihs is so vute **

**Kaz: sory typing w onw hsnd **

**Kaz: dROOL**

**Kaz: ur breahing is cute**

**Kaz: ok u relinquished control of my hand in favor of spooning me**

**Kaz: i still stand by you being the little spoon in this relationship though jsyk**

**Kaz: ralph just came in to ask you something but when he saw us he just said awww took a pic and left**

**Kaz: so that’s probably ending up on instagram**

**Kaz: oh now liv is in the doorway looking confused**

**Kaz: ralph sent her lol**

**Kaz: she took a picture too**

**Kaz: i love your roommates**

**Kaz: speaking of photos when are you going to model for me**

**Kaz: forgot you’re asleep and can’t answer :/ we’re circling back to this when u wake up**

**Kaz: u stopped spooning me :((**

**Kaz: i really want to wake u up but u look so peaceful and cute and content**

**Kaz: being with u is being this (pleading) emoji all the time**

**Kaz: wouldn’t have it any other way though**

**Kaz: i’m really glad we found our way back to each other**

**Kaz: i don’t ever want to let you go again**

**Kaz: starting now**

**Kaz: ps daisy misses u**

Despite himself, Lucas blushed at every message. Sure, Kaz had been bored and it was just a couple of text messages, but no one had ever done something like that, cared enough about him to make sure that they were present together even when Lucas was asleep. He reread the last few messages, then turned abruptly to Kaz.

“Wait a minute, you haven’t been home since Friday night.” Kaz scrunched his eyebrows, shrugging.

“So?”

“ _ So _ ,” Lucas said, gesturing to his phone, “Daisy hasn’t been fed in almost two days!”

Kaz laughed, shaking his head. “My sister has her for the weekend.”

“I didn’t know you had a sister,” Lucas observed quietly, only then realizing how little he actually knew about Kaz. 

“Her name’s Zoe, she’s fifteen,” Kaz said simply.

“Does she go to our school?”

Kaz’s face darkened slightly, but the look was gone in an instant, replaced by his usual cheery complexion. “No.”

Lucas knew not to push when someone obviously didn’t want to talk about it, but his curiosity got the better of him. If they were going to be in a relationship for an indefinite amount of time, these things would have to be talked about eventually. “Why don’t you live with her and your parents?” 

“That’s a story for a different time, don’t you have more messages to look through Mr. Popular?” Kaz turned his attention to his own phone abruptly, scrolling through Instagram like it was the most fascinating thing in the world. Lucas knew a dismissal when he heard one, being the king of them himself, but he wanted Kaz to feel like they could talk openly with one another about their deepest darkest secrets. He wanted Kaz to know him inside and out, and he’d thought that Kaz felt the same. 

He let it be for the moment, though, not wanting any reason to drive Kaz away, and checked his group chat with the boys. 

**Sander: guys i’m bored wanna hang**

**Sander: lucas this excludes u get some dick**

**Sander: hellllooooo??**

**Sander: y’all ugly**

**Sander: fine then don’t answer me**

**Sander: can we change the group name**

**Sander: i have a really good new name**

**Sander: and them boiiiiiiiiz is boring**

**Sander: ok fuck u all imma do it then**

**Sander Hendriks changed the group name to i think we’re ALL gay**

**Sander: boom**

**Lucas: i fucking hate you**

**Kes: SANDER**

**Jayden: i don’t get it **

**Sander: oh NOW you all wanna talk**

**Lucas: i was asleep**

**Jayden: a(sleeping with kaz, probably)**

**Lucas: it’s literally 14h on a sunday**

**Jayden: did i stutter**

**Sander: ANYGAYS do u guys like the name**

**Lucas: i hate it so much it’s perfect**

**Kes: ^^^**

**Jayden: i still don’t get it**

**Sander: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M2a1T0u5xMM**

**Sander: watch this video**

**Sander: then you will see the light**

**Jayden: i now agree with kes and luc**

**Jayden: hey speaking of your man luc should we add him to the gc**

**Lucas: have any of you even spoken to him**

**Kes: not for lack of trying**

**Lucas: friday night was SO not the time for that**

**Lucas: anyway i would hold off, i don’t want to scare him away just yet**

**Jayden: awww luc wants to hide his bf from us**

**Kes: lucas isn’t denying that they’re boyfriends**

**Lucas: would you look at the time see ya**

**Sander: lucas get back here**

**Lucas: zzzzzzzzz**

**Sander: LUCAS**

**Jayden: LUCAS**

**Kes: LUCAS**

Lucas switched his phone off, rolling his eyes fondly. His friends were idiots, but so was he, so he supposed they were pretty well matched. He looked back over at Kaz, who just so happened to be looking over at him. 

“Were you watching me?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

“If you had perfection sitting beside you in bed would you look away?” Kaz asked innocently, and Lucas nudged him, rolling his eyes again.  _ I do have perfection sitting beside me in bed _ , he thought, looking at the crinkles in the corners of Kaz’s eyes when he smiled. 

Kaz glanced out the window. “The light is perfect right now.”

“Yeah? What for?”

“Painting you like one of my French girls,” Kaz shrugged, and Lucas raised his eyebrows. Kaz continued, “Or just taking a photo.”

“I don’t know…” Lucas trailed off.

“Please, please, please,” Kaz begged, hands folded. He peppered kisses all over Lucas’ face. “I’ve been dying to take your photo since I first saw you.”

After the fifteenth kiss, right on the tip of his nose, Lucas sighed in defeat. “Fine. You can take my photo. But just one!”

Kaz nodded solemnly. “Sure. Just one.”

Lucas had a feeling he was lying, but he also didn’t really care. He’d let Kaz take photos of him as long as he wanted to. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49178941173/in/dateposted-friend/)

**MAANDAG 8:41 - Good luck finding someone hotter than me**

_ \- now playing: fools by madison beer - _

Lucas parted ways with Kaz for the first time since Friday night grudgingly, whining with each step they took apart. He cursed the fact that they had completely different schedules, but maybe it was actually for the best. He could never concentrate with Kaz right in front of him, or anywhere in his vicinity actually.

He did, however, get a bit of satisfaction at the fact that Kaz was wearing his clothes to school, neither of them wanting to stop at Kaz’s place before getting to school. Sure, Kaz was a fair bit taller than he was so the jeans he was wearing were a bit cropped, but otherwise they shared generally the same size and the red sweatshirt Kaz had stolen was one of Lucas’ old favorites. He couldn’t wait until he got it back and it smelled like Kaz. the neckline of the sweatshirt was a bit scooped and Lucas felt both relief and disappointment in the fact that any marks they’d made on each other were out of sight. 

A loud laugh across the hall knocked Lucas out of his stupor and he looked up to see Sofie across the hall, laughing at something one of her friends had said. That was one bridge he had yet to mend, and there was no time like the present. Thankfully, her friend walked away, leaving her alone at her locker, because Lucas didn’t want to have another witness if she ripped him to shreds. He approached cautiously, quietly, as if afraid to spook a small animal.

“Hey,” he said in greeting, tightening his grip on his backpack. She looked up with the ghost of a smile on her face, expression hardening when she saw that it was him.

“What do you want?” she asked, pointedly looking away. “I saw you and Kaz on Instagram, good for you.” 

He bit his lip, hesitating. He’d been expecting this, but still. “I wanted to apologize.”

At that, she looked at him, eyes narrowed. He continued, “I wasn’t fair to you. You were nothing but supportive and kind and I was an asshole. You deserve a way better friend than me, but I’d still like to try if you’d be willing to forgive me.”

“You’re really hard to stay mad at, do you know that?” she asked, somewhat angrily. 

He laughed softly, shaking his head. “So I’ve been told.”

“It wasn’t cool what I did either, I knew fully well you still liked Kaz, obviously, but I’m a bit of a petty bitch, so,” she said sheepishly, smiling from the corner of her mouth. 

“If we’re fighting for the title of pettiest bitch now I hate to break it to you but I’ve got you beat.” She rolled her eyes, smacking him on the arm, but she was laughing. 

She closed her locker and leaned against it. “I really am happy for you and Kaz. I’m glad you worked it out.” She smirked, tilting her head to the side. “Not sure how you managed to find the one person hotter than me to date, but props to you.”

“Good luck finding someone hotter than me,” he sighed, and she smacked him again.

“Who says I haven’t already?” Sofie wiggled her eyebrows and he scoffed in indignation. 

“Tell me everything right now.”

She started walking backwards away from him, falsely apologetic look on her face. “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you!”

“Sofie!” he called, trailing after her. 

She walked faster, corners of her mouth twitching. “Look at the time! I’m gonna be late for class.”

“Sofie I swear!”

“Bye, Luc, apology accepted!” she called over her shoulder, speeding away from him. He couldn’t help but smile fondly as she disappeared from his view. What wonders the world beheld when you took responsibility for your actions and lived authentically. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49179640982/in/dateposted-friend/)

Lucas’ phone buzzed and he grimaced at the screen when he saw that it was a text from his dad. He’d pointedly been ignoring his messages and had hoped that his dad would get the point, but it seemed like he wasn’t.

**Pap: Lucas. Answer me or I will stop paying your rent. **

**Lucas: What? I’m at school**

**Pap: Glad to see you care more about my money than me**

**Lucas: Talking about yourself again?**

**Pap: How did I raise a child to ungrateful?**

**Lucas: You didn’t raise me**

**Pap: Don’t talk about your mother like that**

**Lucas: I wasn’t talking about her**

**Pap: Speaking of your mother, the reason I’ve been trying to get in touch is because the annual holiday church service is next Saturday and your mother is being released for the night so she can attend. **

**Lucas: Ok? Do you need me to pick her up or something? **

**Pap: You will attend the service with us, and you will do so gladly**

**Lucas: Pap…**

**Pap: No ands, ifs, or buts, Lucas**

**Lucas: Fine.**

**Lucas: But I’m bringing my boyfriend. **

**Pap: Are you joking?**

**Lucas: His name is Kaz.**

**Pap: It’s not funny Lucas.**

**Lucas: Good.**

**Pap: You know full well you can’t bring that sort of thing into the church**

**Lucas: What sort of thing is that, Pap?**

**Pap: December 13. 22:00. Be there without this boyfriend of yours, do you really want to upset your mother in such a way?**

**Lucas: Whatever.**

He put his phone away before his dad had a chance to respond, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. He pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes just as the bell rang overhead signaling class was about to start.  _ Fuck  _ his dad. Fuck him. Fuck life. Fuck everything. 

His phone lit up and his eyes strayed to it involuntarily, wave of relief settling over him when he saw that it wasn’t his dad. 

**Kaz: i miss you**

**He took a deep breath and typed out a response. **

**Lucas: i miss you too**

**Kaz: are you ok? your typing seems sad**

How the fuck did Kaz know him so well? Why did it make him irrationally happy to know that Kaz thought his typing seemed sad? 

**Lucas: yeah. just a shitty conversation with my dad, it’s nothing new**

**Kaz: :(**

**Kaz: want to ditch?**

**Lucas: i wish, but i have an exam in a little while **

**Kaz: double :(**

**Kaz: that’s ok, i’ll make it up to you later**

**Lucas: oh, yeah?**

**Kaz: ;)))**

Lucas smiled, wondering how it could ever be a bad thing to have someone who made you feel like this. It wasn’t, he realized, and the people who thought otherwise— his father included— had no place in his world. He’d get through the church service, for his mom, but after that, he never wanted to see or hear from his dad again, even if it meant he’d stop paying his rent. The new and improved Lucas had no room in his life for people that intentionally made him feel like shit. 

_ \- now playing: get free by major lazor - _

**DINSDAG 16:59 - Did you find an answer?**

Esra and Lucas once again found themselves alone together, but Lucas didn’t feel uncomfortable as he had in the past. Esra was probably the easiest person to get along with that he knew, and they were both content sitting in silence with one another if neither of them had anything to say.

He glanced up at her, thinking about the conversation they’d had one of the last times it was just the two of them, and thought for a moment about everything both of them had said. 

“Hey Esra?”

She looked up, surprise written on her face. “Yes?”

“You know that talk we had a little while ago, about beliefs and everything?” He approached the topic cautiously because he didn’t want her to think he was trying to attack her religion. That was pretty much the last thing he wanted to do. 

She nodded, waiting for him to continue. He did, trying to find the words he wanted to say. “I’ve kind of been thinking about it lately, I guess. What I believe in.”

“Did you find an answer?” she asked genuinely. 

“Nothing concrete. I think I believe in a lot of things. I still believe in science, in cold, hard facts, but I don’t believe in everything science says. There’d be no room for imagination if I did, and I don’t really want to lose that, the possibility of something greater than us all. I’m partial to the multiverse theory, mostly because I like to think that when things go wrong for me some other Lucas is getting it right. That somewhere a Lucas exists who still has a family, or made all the right choices instead of all the wrong ones.” He paused and blushed, realizing he’d gone on a bit of a rant. 

“Lucas,” Esra sighed, coming to sit next to him, “You haven’t made all the wrong choices, and you  _ do  _ have a family. I’m pretty sure Liv and Noah are this close to legally adopting you.” She held her fingers millimeters apart, laughing. 

He smiled, looking down at his hands as he folded them in his lap. “What does that make you and Ralph, then?”

“Oh please, we both know Ralph and I are your cool aunt and uncle, the ones that buy you presents every time they come in town because they’re not your parents so they don’t have to put on a forbearing facade,” she said, and Lucas couldn’t help but feel like that was extremely accurate. 

“Be honest,” he said, “Am I your favorite nephew?”

She scoffed at him. “Between you, Jayden, and Noah? Easily.”

“I’m honored.”

“You should be.” A pause. “I’m your favorite aunt, right?”

He laughed. “I don’t have any others, I’m afraid.”

“Favorite by default.” She considered this, nodding in approval. “I’m cool with that.”

He sat back, smiling earnestly at her. “Even if I did have others, you’d still be my favorite.”

She didn’t respond verbally, just took his hand and squeezed it once. It was nice to find people that you didn’t have to say words to out loud to communicate clearly. He’d found a lot of people like that recently, and the more he found the more comforted he felt on the inside. Esra was right, blood family didn’t mean shit when he had the boys, his flatmates— Esra included, because she was an honorary flatmate— and Kaz. 

Since they were more comfortable with one another, Lucas chanced voicing another thought, hoping she wouldn’t retract her cool aunt status. “I know you and Ralph are really close, but was that ever an issue for you, that he was gay?”

Her hand stayed in his, but she shifted a bit, thinking over what she was going to say in response. “Because of my religion, you mean?”

“I don’t mean to insinuate anything,” he said hurriedly, but she cut him off. 

“No, that’s ok. I understand why you asked.” She finally slipped her hand away, using it to adjust her hijab. “I’ll tell you one thing about Islam, the only thing you need to know, really.”

He nodded, waiting. She continued, “One of the cores of Islam is the idea that all humans are of equal worth in the eyes of Allah, no matter what they look like or who they love. Anyone who tells you different is speaking from fear, because Allah is love.”

“I’m really glad to have you in my life,” he said, because it was the truth. 

“And just for the record, I looked it up and homosexuality  _ has _ played a natural function in evolution. There’s some pretty interesting articles about it,” she said, leaning against him. He leaned back, smiling. 

**WOENSDAG 12:21 - Stop hitting on my boyfriend**

_\- now playing: watermelon sugar by harry styles -_

“All I’m saying is that you should definitely skip class,” Jayden was saying, looking at Lucas with pleading eyes. 

Lucas shook his head for the millionth time. “If I don’t skip class for Kaz, I’m defonitely not skipping class for you.”

“You didn’t skip class for Kaz? I would in a heartbeat,” Sander said, sighing deeply.

“Need I remind you that Kaz is  _ my _ boyfriend?” Lucas asked, raising his eyebrows.

Sander raised his own in return. “You only do every second of the day.”

Well, that was fair, but Lucas really couldn’t help it. “Besides, you really don’t even know him other than what I’ve told you.”

“Not for long,” Kes said, tapping Lucas on the shoulder and nodding ahead of them. Sure enough, Kaz was headed in their direction, a small smile on his face. His eyes met Lucas’ instinctively, and Lucas took a few steps towards him without thinking anything of it. When they were close enough to touch Kaz leaned in for a small, chaste kiss, pulling away much faster than Lucas would have preferred. 

“Hi there,” Jayden said, interrupting the moment. Lucas turned to glare at him, but he hear Kaz laughing softly. 

“Hi,” Kaz said, nodding to each of Lucas’ friends in turn. 

Lucas figured he should probably formally introduce them all, so he tapped the back of Kaz’s hand, insides warming as Kaz took that as an opportunity to lace their fingers together. He was a bit flustered as he said, “You probably know this already, but this is Kes, Jayden, and Sander.”

Kes nodded back at him, Sander waved a bit awkwardly, and Jayden just smiled at him, causing Kaz to glance at Lucas with one eyebrow raised. He rolled his eyes. “Ignore them, they share one brain cell. Guys, this is Kaz.”

Kaz smiled tightly but warmly, fingers squeezing Lucas’ a little bit tighter. “Sorry we didn’t have a chance to get introduced properly on Friday,” Kaz said, even though Lucas knew they both weren’t very sorry about that. 

“Other things on your mind?” Sander asked innocently and Lucas turned bright red, coughing and looking anywhere but Kaz. 

Kaz, however, was not so easily ruffled. “Now that you mention it, it’s probably for the best that you weren’t there.”

Lucas elbowed him not so subtly in the side as Kes, Sander, and Jayden all exchanged a glance. Kaz leaned down to press a small kiss into his hair to appease him, and Lucas thought that if he got a kiss every time Kaz was trying to placate him he’d pretend to be upset a little more often. 

“So what’s up with you guys?” Kaz asked, trying to change the subject. 

Thankfully, Sander took the bait. “We’re trying to convince Luc to skip class and get food with us.”

Kaz scoffed indignantly, turning to Lucas. “You’ll skip for food but not for me?”

“I’m  _ not _ skipping for food,” Lucas said, aiming his words in Sander’s direction, then Kaz’s, “And if I skipped class every time I wanted to see you I’d never go to class.”

Kaz shrugged. “I can get behind that.”

“Yeah, doesn’t seem like a terrible idea,” Kes interjected. 

“I’d skip class to see Kaz,” Sander agreed. 

Lucas scrunched his nose at the two of them, flipping them off. “Stop hitting on my boyfriend.”

“I could hit on you instead,” Jayden offered. Lucas flipped him off too, just for good measure. Kaz and Lucas shared a glance and the boys seemed to get the memo, because Kes, looked at his phone dramatically, turning to Jayden and Sander.

“Well, we’d better head out then. Don’t want all the food to be gone.”

Jayden and Sander nodded solemnly like that wasn’t the stupidest, most obvious excuse in the entire world. Kaz nodded along with them, grinning in exasperation. “I suppose you’d better.”

There was a short awkward moment of silence, all of them staring at one another. 

“Well, see ya,” Sander said, starting to walk away, gesturing for Kes and Jayden to follow him. “Nice to officially meet you, Kaz.”

“You as well,” Kaz said to all of them, and Lucas could tell they were both being genuine. A selfish part of him hoped they would integrate Kaz into their group so they could all be friends (and Lucas could spend more time with him). Judging by this one interaction, that possibility wasn’t out of the question. 

Once the boys were completely gone, Kaz faced Lucas fully, placing the hand not holding Lucas’ on Lucas’ chin and pulled him in for a deeper, more intentional kiss. It still ended too quickly for Lucas’ liking. 

“How’s your day been?” Kaz asked conversationally, looking at Lucas like he was the sun. 

“Not bad.” He shrugged, taking a step closer to Kaz. “Better now that you’re here.”

“You know what’s going to be even better?” Kaz asked, glint in his eyes. 

Lucas hummed, taking Kaz’s other hand. “Friday,” Kaz continued. 

“Friday?”

“Friday.”

“And what’s Friday…?”

“We’re going to make up for all the dates we haven’t had,” Kaz explained, looking giddy even talking about the idea. Lucas couldn’t help but feel the same. 

“Ok,” he agreed, “So what are we doing?”

Kaz clicked his tongue, shaking his head. “That’s for me to know and you to be blown away by.”

“Kaaaaaz…” Lucas whined, but Kaz merely cut him off with a kiss. 

“You’d better get to class,” he said faux seriously, and Lucas pouted at him. 

“ _ You’d better get to class, _ ” he mocked.

Kaz sighed, running a hand through Lucas’ hair. “A literal child. That’s who I’m dating.”

“Somehow I don’t think you’re that mad about it,” Lucas said, cocking his head to one side. Kaz laughed, taking Lucas’ face in both of his hands. 

“You’re right,” he agreed. “I can’t get enough of you.”

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49178941453/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DONDERDAG 18:47 - One hundred percent**

_ \- now playing: drive safe by rich brian - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49178940983/in/dateposted-friend/)

Sure, they had big date plans Friday, but that didn’t mean Lucas was going to say no when Kaz invited him over after school. His excuse was that he wanted to see Daisy, and now he’d been there for hours. 

Surprisingly he’d been fairly productive, mostly because Kaz had a big project to work on and they’d both bet the other one that they’d be able to last longer without kisses than the other. Their bet had been mutually broken, both of them giving in at practically the same moment, but who could blame them? 

Now, Lucas was laying in Kaz’s bed with him, Daisy climbing over him like a human jungle gym, and he’d never felt more at peace in his life. Kaz was running a hand through Lucas’ hair idly as they laid opposite one another, and Lucas was staring at the ceiling, wondering how he’d gotten so lucky. 

“You got Daisy back,” he said as Daisy settled on his stomach. 

“I did. Zo dropped her off last night.”

“Is she your only sister?” Lucas asked casually, trying not to sound like he was prying. He was fairly aware at this point that Kaz didn’t really like to talk about himself, but Lucas wanted to know Kaz inside and out, if he’d let him. 

Kaz nodded, looking up at the ceiling. “Just her, me, my mom, my dad, and Daisy.”

“And they let you live on your own while you’re still in high school?” he pushed further. 

“They said I could move out once I was eighteen, so,” Kaz said flatly, and Lucas cringed internally. The last thing he wanted to do was take the life out of Kaz’s voice. 

“I’m sorry,” he apologized, “We don’t have to talk about them if you don’t want to.”

Kaz must have heard something in Lucas’ voice, because he sighed and turned to face him completely. “It’s not that… I just don’t really have an easy time opening up to people.”

“I understand.” Lucas  _ really _ understood, more than Kaz probably thought. 

“I feel like if anyone knows me completely, all one hundred percent of me, they’ll realize they’re better off without me,” Kaz said quietly, voice like a whisper in the wind. 

It physically hurt Lucas to hear Kaz talk about himself that way. “I can’t imagine ever feeling that way. I want to know all one hundred percent of you.”

“Don’t say that.” Kaz pulled away, sitting up.

Lucas gently removed Daisy from his stomach, sitting up as well. “Why not?”

“Because  _ I _ don’t even want to know one hundred percent of myself.” 

Lucas didn’t know what to say, because what was there to say? He’d never really seen this vulnerable side of Kaz, and as much as he loved that Kaz felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with him, he didn’t know the right thing to say. If there even was a right thing to say. 

Instead, he just let his heart speak for him. “Kaz?” he said, and Kaz finally looked at him with soft, sad eyes. “I love you.”

And just like that, it was out there. Sure, they knew, and they’d gone around saying the words by way of  _ The Great Gatsby _ , but now it was in the open, no ambiguity, no question about it.

Kaz’s sad eyes turned equal parts surprised, adoring, and hopeful. “You…”

“I love you,” he repeated, unable to stop saying it now that he’d said it once. 

Kaz looked him dead in the eye, his dark brown eyes warm and inviting. They looked like home, one that Lucas was lucky enough to share. “Lucas, I love you too.”

And again, even though he’d known it, technically, hearing Kaz say the words knocked the wind out of him. “Say it again,” he breathed, because he was greedy.

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

Needless to say, their productivity stopped there, but neither of them cared too much about that. 

**VRIJDAG 15:32-2:03 - A beautiful couple **

Truth to be told, Lucas was still riding the high of his and Kaz’s I love yous and had almost forgotten about their night of make up dates. When Kaz rolled up on his motorcycle, mischievous grin on his face, Lucas wasn’t necessarily surprised, but he was very underprepared for whatever Kaz had in store for the night. 

“Shall we?” Kaz asked as Lucas got on the back of his bike.

Initial confusion aside, Lucas wrapped his arms around Kaz, ready for whatever awaited him. “We shall.”

_ \- now playing: blackout days by phantogram -  _

Riding Kaz’s motorcycle still hadn’t gotten old, and Lucas even tipped his head back at a few points during the ride, letting himself pretend he was flying. There was no one in the world he’d rather fly with, soar high above everyone so high they could barely remember what it was like to walk on solid ground. He was almost disappointed when Kaz came to a stop. 

The first part of the date, apparently, consisted of shopping. Lucas had been weary when Kaz suggested it, but it turned out that trying on ridiculous clothing combinations was quite fun. Making out in the dressing rooms wasn’t too bad either. 

It also didn’t hurt that Kaz was a literal model to the point that Lucas actually thought it was a bit unfair. 

_ \- now playing: sexy mf by labrinth - _

They’d taken to dressing each other in the most out there combinations they could find, and to Lucas’ displeasure, Kaz looked amazing even in weird clothes from the women’s department. 

“Unfair,” he kept muttering to himself, Kaz giving him a kiss in various places whenever he did so. That was how they’d ended up in their current situation, Lucas pressed up against the wall with Kaz exploring him like they weren’t technically in public. Sure, there were curtains, but still. Truthfully, he couldn’t find it in himself to care much. 

It was also kind of satisfying to have Kaz rip the weird mishmosh of clothing off him and throw it with little regard for the fact that neither of them owned anything they were (or weren’t) wearing. Shopping date had never been in Lucas’ top ten ideas for dates with a boyfriend, but he was not disappointed one bit with how it was going. He could only imagine what Kaz had planned for the rest of the night.

Kaz was wearing a white jacket that actually looked really good on him with no shirt underneath it at the moment, and something inside Lucas stirred violently, making him need to take a step back to get a hold of himself. Kaz thought it was hilarious, so Lucas sought revenger, which was how they’d ended up in their current situation. 

“I don’t see why we’re doing this,” Kaz said, frowning. 

“The photographer becomes the subject,” Lucas said, framing Kaz with his phone camera. The dressing room curtain actually provided a nice backdrop for the image. “Plus, I want to flex on everyone on Instagram with how beautiful my boyfriend is.”

“But why can’t I smile?” Kaz whined.

Lucas glared at him over his phone. “Models don’t smile.”

“As an actual photographer, I can say that is one thousand percent untrue.”

Lucas shushed him. “Just shut up and let me take your picture.”

“Yes, sir.” Kaz saluted him, posing against the curtain. Despite his complaints about how stupid he must look, Lucas could tell they were both having fun with it. It was also partially payback for Kaz conducting a mini photoshoot with him over the weekend, or at least that was what he was going to tell himself. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49178940593/in/dateposted-friend/)

“What’s next then?” Lucas asked, falling into step beside Kaz. They weren’t heading back to his bike, so they must be walking somewhere.

“Easy there, kid, go with the flow,” Kaz said, locking their hands together. 

Lucas huffed. “I  _ am _ going with the flow.”

Kaz kissed him then, right there in the middle of everything, and Lucas had to try really hard to maintain his pout. (He was unsuccessful). 

“Come!” Kaz said when they broke apart, dragging Lucas along behind him, the two of them running and weaving around people with no real purpose. He found himself thinking of all the things he’d do to exist in this one moment of time and space forever. 

Kaz came to an abrupt halt outside of a hotel. “Voila!”

“A hotel?” Lucas asked, confused. 

Kaz nodded excitedly, pulling on Lucas’ hand again. Lucas was still confused. “Why are we at a hotel?”

“I booked us a suite for the night,” Kaz said casually, pushing the door open. 

Lucas’ eyes widened. “Kaz! Do you know how expensive that is?”

“I teach piano lessons, don’t worry about the money,” Kaz said distractedly, trying to find the concierge. 

“You do?” Lucas asked with a laugh, but Kaz didn’t respond, bright smile on his face greeting the woman behind the counter. 

“Hello there, how can I help you?” she asked looking between the two of them. 

“I have a room booked under Janssen,” Kaz said, rocking back and forth on his feet. 

The woman looked at her computer, typing a few things before glancing back up at them. “Kaz?”

“Yup,” Kaz confirmed, smiling so sweetly it almost hurt Lucas to look at. She said a few more things, but Lucas wasn’t really paying attention until she handed them their keys. 

“Special occasion?” she asked, and Kaz looked at Lucas fondly. 

“Nothing in particular, just wanted to do something nice for my boyfriend. He’s beautiful, isn’t he?” Kaz asked, knocking Lucas’ shoulder with his own. 

The woman nodded, sharing a conspiratorial glance with Lucas. “Very,” she agreed. “You two are a beautiful couple.”

Lucas blushed and ducked his head, smiling into his shirt. Over the course of a week being called Kaz’s boyfriend had become his favorite thing to be referred to as. 

“Enjoy,” she said as Kaz took the key cards, throwing another winning smile in her direction. Lucas wondered how old she thought they were, or if she knew just how young, stupid, and in love they were. 

The elevator ride up to their room was quiet, but a nice sort of quiet. They simply held one another close like they were the last two people on earth, and for all they knew, maybe they were. Lucas couldn’t think of a better person to be alone with forever. 

When they kissed, glass elevator open to the world around them, Lucas’ heart rang with the sound of a million symphonies.

_ \- now playing: angel by finneas -  _

They wasted no time once they were in the room, the room that was more of a hotel of its own than simply a room. Lucas barely had a chance to stare at it all with his mouth agape before he was being led to the bedroom, burning desire etched into the lines of Kaz’s face, his body. 

“I love you,” Kaz said, pulling him in close, bodies flush against one another. 

“And I love you,” Lucas said, closing the minimal space between them for a kiss. 

Time stopped at that moment, and everything became a blur besides the two of them, swaying in place, kissing like the world was ending. It hit Lucas then that Kaz was actually his boyfriend, they were actually in a huge hotel suite on what Lucas agreed was the best date(s) ever, and they were in love. He’d found someone who loved him with no strings attached, and it was more beautiful than he ever would have imagined. 

They took their time, it was nothing like last Friday night, when it had felt as though everything was moving faster than time should have allowed. This was slow, this was care, and there was no less passion than there had been previously, they just showed it in different ways. 

This was hands trailing across skin, trying to remember and map out each inch of it, it was the words I love you whispered against mouths, mouths pressed anywhere and everywhere available. It was love in its purest form, or maybe it wasn’t, but it was love, love, love, love, love. 

—

Lucas felt irrationally fancy even though he was sitting on the floor wrapped in a sheet eating room service food. Kaz was telling him a story and he was listening with rapt attention, loving the way Kaz’s voice curled around each word like it was more important than the last. 

Kaz paused, simply looking at Lucas with a keen sense of intimacy. Lucas blushed under his scrutinizing gaze. “What?”

“Nothing,” Kaz shrugged, “I just wanted to look at you for a minute.”

“Shut up,” Lucas said, throwing a fry at him. 

“Can’t stop the romance train when it’s already on the tracks,” Kaz sighed, scooting himself closer to Lucas and resting his head on Lucas’ shoulder. “In all seriousness, though, thanks for being here, with me.”

“There is nowhere I’d rather be,” Lucas answered honestly, and Kaz sighed, settling deeper into him. 

“Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Lucas confirmed, setting his food to the side. “No one’s ever done anything like this for me,” he admitted. 

“It’s nothing,” Kaz said, shrugging it off, but Lucas needed him to know how much it meant to him. 

He shook his head, lifting Kaz’s head off his shoulder and looking him in the eye. “It’s not nothing. Thank you.”

Kaz’s expression went soft, eyes full of melancholy. “You’re welcome.”

— 

Laying face to face in bed, Lucas did nothing but trail his hand across Kaz’s face, outlining his features idly. He wanted to go to sleep and wake up like this every day. Maybe in another universe they already did. 

Kaz must have been thinking along the same lines as him, because he said softly, “How many Lucases and Kazes do you think are lying like this right now?”

“All of them,” Lucas decided, hoping it was true. 

“Yeah?”

Lucas nodded minutely. “For an infinite amount of time.”

Kaz’s expression dropped so imperceptibly that Lucas wouldn’t have been able to tell had he not known Kaz so well. “The only way to have something for infinity is to lose it.”

“That’s dark.” Lucas frowned, shifting a bit closer. 

“It’s the truth,” Kaz said, and they both lapsed into silence. Kaz closed his eyes and Lucas didn’t know if he was actually trying to sleep or if he was trying to escape the conversation. Normally, he would have pushed back, but he didn’t want anything to ruin their perfect night. 

So instead, he closed his eyes as well, clasping Kaz’s hand in his, and tried to drown out any worries he might have. He could just lie there and focus on Kaz’s soft breaths or the way they melted into one another like that’s what they were made to do. It was, actually, that much was becoming alarmingly clear. He was hesitant to say it out loud, but soulmates existed, and his was in bed across from him. 

On the verge of sleep, Lucas was ready to sink into it’s warm embrace when his phone chimed from the bedside table. Shit, he thought he’d turned off his ringer. When he opened his eyes he found Kaz staring back at him. 

“Everything ok?” he asked, and Lucas sighed, disentangling from Kaz to grab his phone. 

“Yeah, I just forgot to turn my ringer off.” He looked at his phone, heart dropping when he saw who the notifications were from. His face must have paled considerably, because Kaz looked at him curiously.

“What is it?”

“It’s my dad.”

Kaz sat up, frowning. “What?”

“I— I don’t know. I’ll be right— I should see what he wants,” Lucas said hurriedly, making way for the bathroom. He grabbed his boxers on the way, knowing that even though his dad couldn’t see him he didn’t really want to be naked with him on the phone. 

He decided to just call, hoping things would get sorted out quickly. The only reason he was even bothering to respond was because it was so late. It must have actually been a bit urgent.

“Lucas?” his father said once the call went through. 

“Pap, what’s going on? Why were you calling and texting me?” he asked impatiently. 

Lucas’ father was silent for a brief moment. Then—

“It’s your mother.”

Lucas’ heart fell further. “What about her? Is everything ok?”

“Would I be calling you if everything was ok?” his dad sneered, and it took all of Lucas’ willpower to not throw his phone across the room. 

“Pap, tell me what happened.  _ Please _ .” He had a sinking suspicion he knew the only pretense under which his father would call him about his mother and he hoped to any god who would listen that he was wrong. 

“Your mother was having a mixed episode,” he began, and Lucas knew. “There was an accident.”

His voice cracked, tears leaking down his eyes. “Please, Pap, please don’t tell me that she’s—”

“She’s fine now, Lucas,” his dad said, and a fresh wave of air filled his lungs. 

“She— she is?” he asked, needing to make sure. 

“She is,” his dad confirmed, “But there was a scare. I’m with her at the hospital.”

Lucas closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I’m coming to see her.”

“Lucas—”

“I’ll be there in a half hour,” he said, hanging up before his dad could say more. His heart was racing as he left the bathroom and went back into the bedroom of the suite. He hoped Kaz would come with him, he needed him right now. 

Kaz was fully dressed, tying up his shoes at the end of the bed when Lucas returned. “Wha— why are you dressed?” he asked. 

“Well, you’re leaving, right?” Kaz asked coldly, and Lucas frowned.

“Yeah, but—”

“But nothing.” Kaz finished with his shoes, standing up. “Go. Have fun.”

Lucas was confused. What had changed in the last five minutes? “Kaz, I’m not leaving because I want to. My dad—”

“Your dad, who you’ve said doesn’t give a shit about you, who kicked you out of your own house, who you told me the other day you never wanted to speak to again.” Lucas flinched at Kaz’s words, still not understanding. “If you wanted an excuse you could have come up with something more believable, Lucas.”

“Are you serious?” Lucas shouted. He didn’t know why Kaz was acting like this, but he really didn’t have time for it. “Come with me, then, if you don’t believe me.”

Kaz rolled his eyes. “Just go, Lucas. Leave like you’ve just been waiting to.”

“I haven’t—”

“Go.”

“I don’t understand,” Lucas said, pulling on his shirt and pants. “Kaz, what’s going on? You can tell me anything.”

“Do you love me?” Kaz asked abruptly, completely ignoring Lucas. 

“Yes, Kaz, I’ve told you I do.”

Kaz shook his head. “Wrong.”

“Wrong? What the fuck?” Lucas was getting angry now. Kaz didn’t say anything more, and Lucas nearly screamed in frustration. “Fine, whatever. I have to go, and you’re welcome to come with me, but if you don’t I’ll call you in the morning, ok?”

Kaz laughed mirthlessly. “No, you won’t.”

“Kaz. What. Is. Going. On.” Lucas demanded, checking his phone for the time. He really should get a move on. 

“Bye, Lucas,” Kaz said, and Lucas didn’t have the patience for it anymore. Maybe Kaz was joking? If he was, it was a shitty joke, but he couldn’t handle it at the moment. His mom was his priority. 

“Bye, Kaz,” he said with a touch of anger, storming out of the suite. How had a night so perfect, so sweet, ended like this? It was him, it had to be. There was something about him that brought out the worst in people. 

So there he sat alone in the streets of the city, waiting for a Kaz to chase after him and tell him that it had all been a joke, or for someone to wake him up and tell him it had all been a dream.

But no one came, and he was forced to accept that he was wide awake. 

_ \- now playing: together by the xx - _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	9. week nine: you are not alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so,,, week 9 is here,, sorry for accidentally lining this up with wtfock ohn but double the pain double the reward, right?
> 
> tw: homophobia, ableism, emotional manipulation/abuse from a parental figure, mentions of suicide/suicidal ideation

**ZATERDAG 3:11 - What are you doing here?**

Lucas arrived at the hospital much later than he’d wanted to, but there were issues with his bus and he couldn’t stop thinking about Kaz back at the hotel and how that had gone so wrong so quickly. He just wanted to be back there in their little bubble of happiness, but he had to be there for his mom right now. He could have lost her, and he would never forgive himself if he didn’t let her know how much she meant to him.

The only problem was, he didn’t know exactly where in the hospital she was. He finally checked his phone, too nervous to do so on the bus ride, and saw he had ten missed calls and seventeen messages from his dad, but nothing from Kaz. He tried not to worry about it too much, but it _ was _ worrying.

He didn’t bother reading any of the texts, choosing instead to simply call his father. 

“Lucas, I swear to god—”

He cut him off. “Where is she? I’m at the hospital lobby but I don’t know what room to go to.”

His father took a deep breath, voice coming out eerily calm. “Wait there, I’ll find you.”

Lucas hung up without saying goodbye, ringing his phone between his hands and pacing back and forth. He’d had enough experience with crises that he was usually calm in the face of problems, but something felt different about all of this. He didn’t know if it was his father, or Kaz, or maybe a combination of both, but he couldn’t stand still for more than a second without going crazy. 

After what felt like a century, the elevator doors dinged open and his father came strolling out, entirely too calm. He barely greeted Lucas, who probably looked like a mess. He realized with a jolt that he’d probably thrown his clothes on improperly and his hair definitely looked like he’d just had sex. Hopefully his father wouldn’t comment. 

“Let’s talk outside,” his father said, pushing past Lucas to the door, but Lucas refused. 

“Let’s talk here.”

“Lucas, please don’t cause a scene,” his father hissed, gripping his arm, and Lucas had flashbacks to a childhood spent afraid. He hadn’t ever really taken the time to consider how horrible his father was to him and his mother, because he was accustomed to that brand of horrible, but now he saw the things he never used to.

Lucas wrenched his arm away. “We’re talking here.”

His father sneered. “Fine. What are you doing here?”

Lucas couldn’t tell if he was being serious or not. “Are you serious? You called me and told me my mother had an ‘accident’, and was in the hospital, and you expected me to sit around like everything was fine and dandy?”

“She doesn’t want to see you Lucas,” his father said, ignoring him.

Lucas faltered. “Wha— what? She’s awake?”

“No.” His father shook his head, carefully considering his words. “But she wouldn’t want you here, that’s not what she needs right now.”

“What do you mean? I’m the one who’s been there for her when you jumped ship and decided she— we— weren’t worth it anymore.” Lucas was angry, so angry, and he didn’t care who heard him.

His father clearly felt different, because he kept shooting glances around the fairly empty lobby. “Don’t demonize me for doing what was best for my own sanity. If you were smart you would have gotten out of there much faster.”

“I can’t _ fucking _ believe you— let me see her!” Lucas nearly shouted, and his father gripped his arm again. 

“Calm. Down.”

“Don’t you dare tell me to calm down.”

His father clearly saw that he was losing, so he switched to a different tactic. “Why did it take you so long to get here, then? This hospital isn’t far from your flat.”

And then the tables turned. Lucas’ arm went limp in his father’s hand and he was sure his discomfort showed on his face. He shouldn’t be ashamed of spending the night with his boyfriend, but he knew what his father’s reaction would be if he said so. But he didn’t want to fake his way through anything anymore. Living authentically was the best choice he’d made in the past few weeks, and he’d already told his dad he had a boyfriend, so what did he have to lose?

“I was on the other side of town,” he said, more confidently than he felt, “My boyfriend planned a day full of dates for us, and I was with him.”

“At two in the morning? Not exactly daytime anymore, is it?” Lucas gulped, he knew his dad wasn’t that naive, and he wondered if he’d said he was with a girl if his father would be making such a fuss. 

“He booked us a suite for the night,” Lucas said unflinchingly, even as his father’s mouth curled in disgust.

Even though they were nearly the same height, his father looked down his nose at him, releasing his arm so abruptly that Lucas stumbled a bit. His father sighed. “I didn’t want it to come to this, and I didn’t want to say anything, but this is the reason your mother doesn’t want to see you.”

Lucas didn’t understand. “What?”

“Why do you think she got to this point in the first place? She was improving, but a conversation we had triggered her episode, and the only thing we talked about was you,” he continued, glaring at Lucas. 

That couldn’t be true, it couldn’t. But what reason did his father have to lie? He didn’t really care about either of them, he shouldn’t have cared if Lucas wanted to see his mother. “I… what did you say to her?”

“You asked if you could bring your boyfriend to church on Friday, so I mentioned it to her,” his father said nonchalantly. “You had to know that if your mother and I would agree on one thing it’s that your deviance cannot be tolerated.”

“My _ deviance _? Pap, this is who I am. I don’t care if you don’t like it!” he shouted, not caring at all who overhead. Tears were streaming down his face but it was as if his father didn’t even see them. 

“And what about your mother? You don’t care if she doesn’t like it? You’d rather her be dead than you learn how to fix your heretic attraction?” His father spat, and each word landed exactly as it was meant to. Lucas felt like he was five years old again. He couldn’t think of a single thing to say, and his mouth wouldn’t have worked even if he’d tried. 

His father continued, “So why don’t you just go home until you’ve learned to be a good, normal, son. You’re the last thing your mother needs.”

He stormed off without another word, leaving Lucas to sink to his knees in the lobby of the hospital. He didn’t know how long he sat there crying, but at one point a doctor or nurse approached him, asking him if he needed anything. They looked concerned, and he realized he’d never seen that look in his father’s face, even when he’d broken his wrist a year back, something he’d claimed was an accident to his friends. That was what his mother had thought too, and Lucas was too scared to say otherwise. 

So, he simply shook his head to the nurse, hardly registering the words they were saying, turning and walking back the way he’d come. He didn’t trust his feet to carry him home, and he didn’t have money for another bus, so he sat on a bench outside and texted his flatmates, shaking too much to write anything coherent.

**Lucas: cannc uou pcik me up**

**Ralph: lucas? what’s going on?**

**Lucas: psldlease**

**Liv: luc, where are you?**

**Lucas: dhiopsoital **

**Liv: can you send your location? **

**Lucas sent a location**

**Ralph: lucas why are you at the hospital?**

**Liv: we’re on our way, noah too**

**Ralph: are you ok? Is kaz ok?**

**Ralph: luc?**

_ \- now playing: i lost a friend by finneas - _

**ZONDAG 7:05 - I want to help**

_ \- now playing: talk me down by troye sivan - _

Liv, Ralph, and Noah had barely left him alone since they picked him up sobbing and shivering at the hospital. They’d let him crash when they got home, sleeping with him in his bed to keep him company and make him feel safe, and then they hadn’t left in the morning until they’d gotten an explanation. He had hardly known where to start, deciding to begin with what had happened at the hospital, because that was how they’d found him. He’d barely recovered from reliving that when Ralph asked why Kaz wasn’t with him and his heart split wide open again. 

They’d all tried to give him advice, but advice wasn’t what he wanted to hear. He wanted an explanation, but when he tried to text Kaz, he got no response. He wasn’t sure if Kaz was angry at him because of the expense of the room, which he’d be more than willing to pay it back if Kaz actually decided to respond to him.

He hadn’t felt this way in a while, even while he’d been trying to come to terms with his sexuality and dealing with everything with him and Kaz. The walls felt like they were closing in all the time and he couldn’t pay attention to anything too long before his brain started running hundreds of miles per minute, making him feel like he wasn’t even inside his own body. His roommates had soon realized that after he’d told them what happened, he needed quiet support. He didn’t want or need anyone to talk to him, but he wanted them there just in case. 

They probably wouldn’t have left even if he wanted them to, actually, but he didn’t want them to. He wanted his family, and that’s what they were. 

He’d both slept too much and too little over the course of the last twenty four hours, and when he woke up alone at seven, he was kind of relieved. It had been nice to be cocooned in a burrito of support the night before, but now he needed a little space to be alone and think about everything.

The first thing he wanted to do was reach out to Kaz again. He’d given him time as well, but if they were going to be in a relationship, this couldn’t go unaddressed. Lucas didn’t really think he had anything to apologize for, but did realize that he hadn’t actually told Kaz why he’d left, so he’d have to rectify that and hope Kaz would understand. He opened Instagram, wondering if Kaz would respond more quickly there. At the very least, Lucas would be able to see when he read the messages.

**vanderheijden.lucas: hey k, just checking in again. not sure if you got my message yesterday or not. i want to explain why i had to leave, but i’d rather do so in person. can we talk?**

That seemed good enough, right? To the point, not too attached or detached. To his surprise, the seen notification came up right away, accompanied by typing bubbles. 

**kzjnssn: Lucas, this is Mila. I would appreciate if you would stop texting Kaz right now, you’re making things harder for him.**

What the fuck? Why the fuck was Kaz with Mila? Lucas briefly wondered if everything had been a lie, if Kaz had been with Mila the whole time, just waiting for the opportunity to drop Lucas once and for all. But no, that couldn’t be true. They loved each other. Kaz didn’t seem like he had been lying when he said he loved Lucas. It was too hard to fake such an emotion genuinely. 

**vanderheijden.lucas: all due respect, what are you talking about? and why are you with kaz? last i checked, he’s my boyfriend.**

**kzjnssn: Lucas, stop being childish. Kaz is dealing with a lot right now and this isn’t helping. We’ve been through a lot together, I can handle this.**

**vanderheijden.lucas: been through what? i have no idea what’s going on?**

**kzjnssn: He’s having an episode, Lucas. **

Lucas blinked a few times, wondering if he’d read that right. Kaz had never said anything to him.

**vanderheijden.lucas: he’s bipolar?**

**kzjnssn: Borderline personality disorder. Similar disorders, but episodes, responses, treatments, and triggers are different. He didn’t tell you?**

He hadn’t.

**kzjnssn: That says enough, doesn’t it? **

**vanderheijden.lucas: maybe he didn’t tell me yet, but that doesn’t mean he was never going to. my mom is bipolar and he knows that. i don’t care if he has a mental illness, i want to be there for him, show him that i’ll always be there for him.**

**kzjnssn: I think it’s for the best if you leave him alone. I mean, you caused this, didn’t you?**

**vanderheijden.lucas: what?**

**kzjnssn: He’s very sensitive to real or perceived abandonment. When you left him on Friday night, he thought you were leaving him forever. He was angry, irrationally so, but that’s how he gets. I’ve only just gotten him to sleep for the first time since then.**

**vanderheijden.lucas: i didn’t leave because i wanted to!**

**kzjnssn: That doesn’t matter. In his mind, you did. **

**vanderheijden.lucas: if i could just explain, mila, please**

**kzjnssn: You’ll only make things worse. Please stop contacting him.**

**vanderheijden.lucas: mila, please. i want to help, be there for him.**

**Your message was not delivered.**

Lucas frowned in confusion, trying to send another message. The same message

showed up. He went to Kaz’s page and saw that all of his posts had vanished and realized Mila must have blocked him. Stunned, he tried to text Kaz via messages and received an error message in return. He blanched, realizing she’d successfully cut Lucas out of Kaz’s life, with him none the wiser. He really would think that Lucas abandoned him. Then again, maybe he didn’t actually want anything to do with Lucas after all, maybe he’d told Mila to say all that. Maybe Kaz didn’t actually want him in his life anymore.

_ \- now playing: love me wrong by allie x and troye sivan - _

His phone started ringing, jolting him out of the panic that had begun to build itself inside his chest. He didn’t recognize the number, but picked up anyway, wondering if there was any way it could be Kaz, telling him that this was all a prank. That he wasn’t with Mila and he wanted to be with Lucas. 

“Hello?”

“Hello,” said a female voice he didn’t recognize, “Is this Lucas Van der Heijden?”

“It is,” he answered warily, furrowing his eyebrows. 

The woman continued to talk cheerily, “This is Sara from the clinic, you’re the son of Renate Van der Heijden, yes?”

“Renate Smit,” he said without thinking. He didn’t want his mother to be associated with his father’s last name. “That’s her maiden name.”

“Right,” the woman said, “You’ll be pleased to know that she’ll be returning to our care tomorrow, and you’ll be able to see her once she’s settled back in.”

He held the phone back from his ear, wondering if he was hallucinating. “Um, how did you get this number?”

“Your mother gave it to us. She asked us to put you on her approved visitors list.”

None of that checked out with what his father had told him, but he wasn’t going to question it. He needed to see her more than he needed air. “Can I see her tomorrow?”

“Any time after noon is perfectly acceptable,” the woman answered.

“Um, I have school, so could I come by around 16h?” he asked, biting his lip.

He heard the sound of keys tapping, then her voice again. “We’ll expect you then. I’m sure she’ll be delighted to see you. Have a good day Mr. Van der Heijden.”

“Yeah, uh, you too,” he answered, somewhat in a daze, not lowering the phone from his ear until he heard the sound of the call being disconnected. His mother didn’t hate him, she still wanted to see him. Or maybe she did, and wanted to disown him in person. Whatever the case, he was simply too happy to consider not going. Even if she did hate him, at least he’d see her one last time and tell her how much she meant to him. 

**MAANDAG 16:02 - Everyone deserves a love like yours**

The clinic was much more homelike than Lucas had expected. He wasn’t quite sure what he’d expected, but sterile blank walls had seemed more likely in his opinion. The place was actually quite nice, and he felt better about his mother being there. One of the nurses found him in the waiting room and led him back to his mother’s room, his heart beating faster with each step. 

The door opened, and Lucas readied himself for the worst, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. When he opened them, he saw his mother with a smile on her face for the first time in longer than he could remember. He immediately burst into tears coming closer and closer to her while still maintaining some distance. She held her arms open and he broke completely. 

She patted his hair as he cried, clutching her like he would never let go again. “It’s alright my darling, I’m sorry for scaring you.”

He shook his head, sniffling, tightening his grip before letting go, still keeping their hands laced together. “I’m sorry. For… being the reason you wanted to, you know.”

Her smile faltered. “What are you talking about?”

“Pap said he told you about me… and that’s why you—” he broke off, unable to say it. He wasn’t sure why he was even bringing it up, but he wanted his mother to know that he was still the same son she’d loved all her life. 

“Told me what?” she asked, looking genuinely confused, then her face smoothed with clarity. “Oh, you mean that he told me you didn’t want to see me? It’s alright, my darling, I don’t blame you one bit.”

Everything started to make sense then, and he didn’t know why he hadn’t suspected it before. Everything that had ever gone wrong in their lives, all of it, had been because of his father manipulating from behind the scenes. He told Lucas one thing, his mother another, and never assumed he’d be caught. It was vindictive and cruel, but it had nearly worked.

“I never said that. He lied to you,” Lucas said, squeezing her hand. He didn’t know if she would believe him, but he had to try. 

Her brows creased minutely. “But then, what do you mean? What about you would have made me upset?”

He cast his eyes downward. Coming out to her was harder now that he knew she didn’t know about it, but he had to do it. “I’m gay, Mama.”

He refused to look up at her reaction, but felt her hand tighten on his. “Oh, Lucas, my beautiful boy.”

“I’m sorry if it makes you upset, I know what the church says about people like me, but I—” he said hurriedly, but she cut him off. 

“Lucas. From the first moment I saw you, held you in my arms, I knew that I would love you for all of eternity, in every one of those universes you like to talk about. Nothing could ever make me love you any less. My love for you grows with each passing day, so much that it keeps me going on the days I feel like nothing will ever be better.” He finally looked up at her, and the warmth in her eyes sent a fresh wave of tears down his face. “I don’t care what the church says, I love you no matter what, and that’s all there is to it. God loves everyone no matter what makes us different, and anyone who chooses hate over love, why they’ve gotten the message of the Lord entirely wrong, haven’t they?”

“So you— you aren’t upset?” 

She shook her head. “Only with myself for making you think I wouldn’t understand. I’m sorry for that, I truly am. And with your father for making you think I hated you for your love. I could never, Lucas, I could never.” She paused, looking sheepish. “Do you… love someone?”

“I do,” he said quietly, weight that had lifted itself from his chest pressing back down when he thought about Kaz.

“Why are you so down about it?” she asked, seeing through him like she always did. 

“It’s… a long story,” he said, sighing.

She patted the bed and scooted over a bit. “I have time.”

So he sat down, and he told her. He left out a few things, of course, mostly filling her in on who Kaz was and why he loved him. He was hesitant to bring up Kaz’s disorder, but realized that she was probably the only one whose advice he’d trust, so he ended with everything that had happened over the weekend, with him leaving and with Mila texting him.

“Oh dear, that is quite a bit to contend with,” she agreed once he finished, and he leaned his head on her shoulder. “Do you love him less for his disorder? It would be understandable, I know I’ve put you through a lot over the years.”

“No,” he said instinctively, but it was the truth. “I’ve never loved you any less either, and I would do it all again to be there for you. I’d do it better. I wanted to do the same for him, but Mila probably knows better than me, I guess.”

She sighed. “You don’t believe that.”

“No, I don’t,” he agreed.

“Everyone deserves a love like yours, a love all encompassing, and you’ve chosen to give it to Kaz,” she began, and he listened with rapt attention, “That boy doesn’t know the power of what he’s been given yet, and it’s up to you both to see it for what it is. You accept people as they are with no questions asked, but you’re not so quick to accept yourself. Kaz sees you, I know he does, and he accepts you for everything you are. You know this, I can see that you do, but I’m not sure he does. You have to show him, no matter what this Mila says. Show him that you’ve seen him wholly and completely and you don’t just love him in spite of it, you love him _ because _of it. Show him that you love him on purpose, and he’ll show you the same.”

“I love you, Mom. I love you so much.” 

Her arms wrapped around him gently, and she stroked his cheek. “I know you do, and I am grateful every day to receive your love.” She turned his head to look at him in the eyes. “And remember what we always say. When things become too difficult, take it day by day. If that’s too much, take it hour by hour. And if that’s too much, take it minute by minute.”

“Minute by minute,” he repeated, like he had his whole life. 

“Minute by minute,” she repeated, like she had his whole life, smiling into the words. She pressed a kiss to his forehead and held him steadily. He held her too, and they kept each other afloat.

_ \- now playing: poems by hippo campus - _

**WOENSDAG 18:38 - You’re everything**

_ \- now playing: panic attacks by elohim ft. yoshi flower - _

Kaz hadn’t showed up at school all week, and that day had been no different. The boys and the girls had been equally supportive, hearing from either him or Liv about what had happened. He’d given himself a day after visiting his mother to get his head on straight, partially hoping Kaz would reach out to him, but now he was forced to accept that the ball was still in his court.

He didn’t know what the best way would be to try to get through, especially if Mila was blocking him out. Part of him debated going to Kaz’s place, but he also didn’t want to look like a fool if Mila was there and she simply didn’t let him inside. Or if Kaz did the same. He wanted some way that Kaz wouldn’t be able to ignore him, but also enough at a distance that he didn’t cause any problems. 

Did Kaz even want him to fight for him? He’d mulled over that question quite a bit and ultimately decided that he didn’t care. _ He _ wanted to fight for Kaz, so fight he would, it was as simple as that. 

Lucas sat down on his bed, pulling his laptop close and typing ‘borderline personality disorder’ into the search bar on google. Admittedly, he’d avoided doing so since he’d heard about Kaz’s disorder from Mila. He hadn’t wanted to cross any boundaries, but he decided that educating himself would be the next step in figuring out how best to be there for Kaz. 

He read the overview, taking it in word for word until he understood well enough to move on.

**A personality disorder is a pattern of feelings and behaviors that seem appropriate and justified to the person experiencing them, even though these feelings and behaviors cause a great deal of problems in that person’s life.**

**Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder that typically includes the following symptoms:**

  * **_Inappropriate or extreme emotional reactions_**
  * _**Highly impulsive behaviors**_
  * _**A history of unstable relationships**_
  * _**Intense mood swings, impulsive behaviors, and extreme reactions can make it difficult for people with borderline personality disorder to complete schooling, maintain stable jobs and have long-lasting, healthy relationships.**_

It didn’t seem dissimilar to his mother’s bipolar disorder, but Mila had been right in saying there were differences in how each presented themselves and how each person lived with the different disorders. Apparently there were also instances where people had a dual diagnosis with BPD and bipolar disorder. He moved onto the next section of the article he was reading, brows furrowed in concentration.

**Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder**

**Borderline personality disorder symptoms vary from person to person and women are more likely to have this disorder than men. Common symptoms of the disorder include the following:**

  * **_Having an unstable or dysfunctional self-image or a distorted sense of self (how one feels about one’s self)_**
  * _**Feelings of isolation, boredom and emptiness**_
  * _**Difficulty feeling empathy for others**_
  * _**A history of unstable relationships that can change drastically from intense love and idealization to intense hate**_
  * _**A persistent fear of abandonment and rejection, including extreme emotional reactions to real and even perceived abandonment**_
  * _**Intense, highly changeable moods that can last for several days or for just a few hours**_
  * _**Strong feelings of anxiety, worry and depression**_
  * _**Impulsive, risky, self-destructive and dangerous behaviors, including reckless driving, drug or alcohol abuse and having unsafe sex**_
  * _**Hostility**_
  * _**Unstable career plans, goals and aspirations**_

**Many people experience one or more of the above symptoms regularly, but a person with borderline personality disorder will experience many of the symptoms listed above consistently throughout adulthood.**

**The term “borderline” refers to the fact that people with this condition tend to “border” on being diagnosed with additional mental health conditions in their lifetime, including psychosis.**

**One of the ironies of this disorder is that people with BPD may crave closeness, but their intense and unstable emotional responses tend to alienate others, causing long-term feelings of isolation.**

Some things started to make more sense to Lucas, and he felt endlessly guilty. He’d been wondering why Kaz took his leaving on Friday so harshly, but it made more sense, even if Lucas still didn’t fully understand. It was probably also exacerbated by the fact that Kaz had felt as though Lucas had abandoned him once already, which was fairly accurate. He didn’t blame Kaz for not trusting him, he’d clearly felt that he had reasons not to, and even though Lucas knew the truth of the matter, he couldn’t expect Kaz to. 

He thought about the times they’d be sitting together silently, maybe combing fingers through each other’s hair, maybe holding each other’s hands so tightly they were both afraid the other would let go and he realized at Kaz was afraid. He’d never seemed it, but his feelings for Lucas went beyond his beautiful words and soft kisses. Or they had, at least. 

There would be a glazed look over Kaz’s eyes sometimes, times when Lucas didn’t think Kaz knew Lucas was watching him (he always was, to be fully honest) and it would look like his mind was somewhere else entirely. Or times when his expression betrayed his calm demeanor, stiffening or looked panicked for a single moment before closing back up to its usual serenity. It hurt Lucas to think Kaz had felt the need to hide with him. He’d meant it when he said he wanted to know every inch of Kaz, inside and out, but he could now see that Kaz had been hoping he wouldn’t have to share those parts of himself, because he didn’t want to see them himself just as he’d said nearly a week ago. _ “I feel like if anyone knows me completely, all one hundred percent of me, they’ll realize they’re better off without me,” _ he’d also said, and Lucas hadn’t heard it for what it was. 

Kaz had tried to tell him, in minute ways, and Lucas would never blame him for not coming right out and saying anything directly. These things weren’t easy to share, Lucas knew that firsthand with some of his own experiences, but he hoped that somewhere deep down Kaz had thought maybe, maybe, Lucas would understand and still love him. Because he did. And he was pretty sure he always would. 

A sudden thought struck him, and he closed his window on bpd and opened up Kaz’s blog. He kicked himself for not thinking of this sooner, and he wasn’t sure if it would be effective, but there had to be somewhere for comments on the webpage. Mila surely wouldn’t look at it, he didn’t even know if she knew about the blog or not, and Kaz definitely didn’t know that Lucas knew about it. 

_ \- now playing: i love you by billie eilish - _

There it was. Comments. Surprisingly, Kaz had quite a few fans of his blog, commenting on various things. Lucas hoped his comment wouldn’t get lost in the shuffle, but had to have faith that it wouldn’t. If it did, then he’d go to Kaz directly. He just wanted Kaz to have a chance to reach out to him first, see if he even wanted Lucas in his life or not. 

He put his full name so Kaz would hopefully have no way of dismissing it if he saw it, and then began to type. Apparently grand romantic statements in the form of writing were his new thing, which was a plot twist he’d never seen coming. 

_ Kaz, _

_ You’re probably wondering how and why I found this, but let’s just say I couldn’t find your Instagram and had a big crush on you. Or maybe you’re not. Maybe you don’t care. Whatever the case, I just had to let you know that I do. Care, that is. About you, about us. I’m all in with you, and I’m sorry if I made you think I wasn’t. I’m not going to write it in a comment on your blog for the world to see, but I hope you’ll respond to me so we can talk in person and I can explain to you why I had to leave. I would a million times rather have stayed with you, trust me. _

_ You’re still the one with a way with words, not me, but I’d try anything to show you how much I care, and this was effective last time. Which I’m sorry for by the way. I had no idea about the reasons why things I did and said in the past would have hit you so much harder than other people, but now that I do, I promise I’ll do everything in my power to remain aware of that. You deserve so much love, more than I can even offer, you’re everything. To me, at least. _

_ There’s not much else for me to say other than that I’m here, and I love you, and that’s not a lie. It never has been. I love the way you smile at me when you think I’m not paying attention (I always am), and I love the way you look away from the road every once and awhile when we ride your motorcycle, taking in the world around you. It should be scary, but I feel so safe with you that it never feels like a risk, at least one that isn’t worth taking. Even the parts of yourself that you’re ashamed to love, I love. I told you I wanted to know one hundred percent of you, and I meant it. I hope you want to know one hundred percent of me. _

_ Love you, _

_ Lucas _

_ p.s. I miss you so much / Please let me show you my love / You deserve it all (haikus for the win <3) _

**DONDERDAG 23:41 - Let me adore you**

Kaz hadn’t responded to Lucas’ post, but a whole lot of other people had. He had been checking his email constantly, always seeing new responses to his heartfelt comment. It felt a bit weird to have a love declaration so public, but there was no way Kaz wouldn’t see it now. It was only a matter of if he wanted to respond or not.

Lucas slipped his headphones over his ears, deciding to read through a few of the responses he’d gotten, just in case he’d missed one from Kaz by chance.

_ \- now playing: adore you by harry styles - _

  * **_reply from __artvandeley__:_ i don’t know who you are, lucas, so i hope you don’t mind me commenting, but you remind me a lot of someone i’m lucky enough to love. hope everything works out for you two, i’m rooting for you.**
  * **_reply from __lastvampireonearth__:_ this touched me deeply. i come back to this blog regularly because of how much of myself i see in kaz, and i could have used someone like you a while ago. luckily, i have them now, so kaz, if you see this, i hope you don’t lose your marti**

Lucas didn’t know what that meant, but he assumed ‘marti’ referred to a person. He kept reading. 

  * **_reply from __srodulv__:_ ok not to be weird, but i’m pretty sure my boyfriend tagged me in one of your posts on instagram, and if this is who i think this is, i wish you two nothing but the absolute best. kaz, i know we don’t know each other personally, but trust me when i say accepting a lucas into your life will be the greatest decision you’ve ever made ;)**
  * **_reply from __da_vid.gif__:_ my boyfriend matteo and i are cheering you on from germany. sometimes all it takes is a good love declaration.**
  * **_reply from __joananoexiste__:_ i was taken aback by this post because some of the things you said really hit home for me. if this situation is anything like the things i’ve experienced in my own life, particularly on kaz’s side, don’t push lucas away. trust me.**
  * **_reply from __earthlingoddity__:_ what i wouldn’t have given to hear something like this earlier this week. if i can’t find this love in my universe, i hope you find it in yours. both of you.**

  * **_reply from _****_missamericana_****_:_**** this love is unconditional. i don’t know if either of you realize how rare that is, and how much i’ve been longing for it my whole life. maybe someday… **

Lucas stopped reading there, because similar comments carried on for quite a while. Part of him felt so vulnerable, stripped completely bare, but it was nice to know that people across the world were rooting for the two of them. Now it was just up to Kaz.

His music filled his brain, reminding him of better times, of a Halloween spent kissing under sprinklers in an abandoned theater. He knew that Kaz had him blocked, but he figured it wouldn’t hurt to try to reach out in any capacity, so he pulled up a picture and posted it without thinking. Maybe he would wake up tomorrow and Kaz would sing the words back to him.

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49214335232/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49214335367/in/dateposted-friend/)

**VRIJDAG 22:22 - I am lost**

_ \- now playing: in this shirt by the irrepressibles - _

Lucas’ mother had gotten permission to attend the holiday church service that Friday, so he went with her like he’d planned to. Neither of them were surprised when his father hadn’t shown up, and he could tell they were both actually quite relieved about it. Kaz still hadn’t responded to him in any way, but Lucas was determined to put it out of his mind for the whole time they were at church, even though he also didn’t much care for the holiday service itself. His mother knew how he felt about the church, and she’d told him not to worry about coming, but he wasn’t about to take anything with her for granted anymore. Besides, what was an hour of his life?

He hadn’t been paying much attention, admittedly, but his mother’s hand had rested over his the whole time, which filled him with such warmth only his mother’s touch could. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, and his mother shot a glance his way, silently warning him to silence his phone, which he probably should have done.

He took it out discreetly, intending to do so, but stopped when he saw the name on the screen. If not for the music around him, he would have been sure the world had stopped at that moment. His mother was no longer paying him attention, so he opened the message, shocked at its length. When had Kaz unblocked him? Why had he not continually sent messages, just to check?

**Kaz: Lucas. I’m alone now, alone as ever, and I am lost, thinking about anything and everything, but most of all you. I’m so sorry for it all. I should have told you about my disorder, and I’m not surprised you found out anyway. I know what you’ve been through with your mother and I didn’t want to add to that pressure. She deserves your unconditional love and care, but I don’t. I’m not mad at you for leaving, I’m just mad at myself for not kissing you one last time. I can’t remember our last kiss, they all blur together in my mind from that night, not for lack of care. I wish I could, so I could have one last happy memory to take me into the next version of myself. If there is another version. Maybe I’ll be better in that one. I wish I could have been better in this one. Sometimes I forget that we can’t repeat the past no matter how hard we try. Jay Gatsby’s tragedy was his heart, and I fear mine is too. I couldn’t bring myself to tell you this in person, but I need you to know how much I loved you, especially now, as everything darkens around me. You were everything, too. You are. I hope someday you’ll find someone deserving of all that you are, even as I lament the fact that it couldn’t have been me. I’m sorry, and I love you.**

Lucas wasn’t breathing, wasn’t thinking, wasn’t even really registering the words he’d just read. He’d almost been too late before, for his mother, not knowing what was going on with her, and he couldn’t make that same mistake twice. He didn’t have to reread Kaz’s message to understand what he meant, Lucas could feel the pain in every word.

“I have to go,” he said to his mother, even though he didn’t know where he was going quite yet. His face must have said it all for him, because she didn’t argue, nodding and squeezing his hand once. 

“I love you,” she said.

His eyes filled up with tears. “I love you, too,” he said, and he was gone, running down the aisle like he’d never run before. Every memory he’d shared with Kaz began flashing through his mind as he tried to figure out where to go and how to get there. He saw Kaz at school, catching his eye for the first time, he saw them meeting in the bathroom, sharing a joint and talking like they’d known each other their whole lives. Riding Kaz’s motorcycle for the first time and spending a night getting to know each other better than he normally would have with a stranger. Daisy and Rich Brian and disgusting food, and Mila and heartbreak and yearning. 

He thought about kissing Sofie and looking at him, and Kaz kissing Mila and looking at Lucas, about them running away together. Almost kisses and Halloween plans, and suddenly he knew exactly where Kaz was. He was an idiot for not thinking of it first, but now he ran as fast as his legs could carry him. It was far, but not too far that he felt he could waste time waiting for a bus. 

There was a lot of things he would never forgive himself for, but not being there for Kaz was at the top of his current list. He shouldn’t have let Mila box him out, he should have gone to him sooner, he should have known that a comment on a blog he wasn’t enough. There were so many things he could have done, but he couldn’t repeat the past, just as Kaz had said. He didn’t want to, not really, he just wanted to reach Kaz, to find him and for them to be safe in each other’s arms. 

Love didn’t have to end in tragedy, and to think that it meant more if it did was complete and utter bullshit. Sure, love had its ups and downs, but that was what made the happy endings worth it. And happy endings _ were _ worth it. Everyone went through so much every single day, they deserved to have a light at the end of the tunnel, a warm embrace to come home to or a soft smile to admire in the daylight.

Fuck being alone, thinking you were alone. It was a side effect of the human condition to think so, some people more than others, but it wasn’t true. No one was alone, and no one deserved to be alone. Lucas would be damned if he didn’t make sure Kaz knew that. 

He could hardly feel his legs, but he didn’t stop even for a moment. There was no place in the world he needed to be more than by Kaz’s side, wherever that happened to be. He hoped he wasn’t wrong, but he knew in his heart that he wasn’t. 

More memories flashed in the forefront of his vision like a supercut of the two of them. He was lost, had been lost, so lost, and Kaz had found him. Neither of them had known it at the time, but it didn’t make it any less true. The first time he’d seen Kaz’s smile that day in the cafeteria, he’d known that the feeling in his chest when he saw it wouldn’t go away anytime soon, and he was glad he’d listened to that part of himself for once. 

Engel’s culture club and bathroom escapades played on a loop in his head again, first words exchanged, first laughs shared. He thought about how one of the first things Kaz had said had been a Gatsby quote, and how he hadn’t realized it at the time but the quote went deeper into who Kaz was than Lucas picked up on. Even so, never would Lucas have thought this was where the two of them would end up, and he still refused to believe it. They deserved to find that same happiness they’d found the first time they’d met, and to find it a million times over.

He thought about getting on Kaz’s motorcycle, not knowing where it would take him. He thought about Daisy, and finding new music, and finding each other. He wondered if there was a photo of himself somewhere on Kaz’s rainbow wall, or if Kaz had cherished any photos of him at all. Kaz’s hands gesticulating wildly popped into his mind, the thing they did when he was so passionate about something that he could talk about it forever. It was one of Lucas’ favorite things to see.

Kaz’s copy of The Great Gatsby and the week that followed unveiled itself in his mind, their kiss across the room, their almost kiss, their Halloween plans, their real kiss, Lucas’ current destination. How he’d dressed up as Harry Styles as a joke but found himself more comfortable than ever. How he’d felt more alive than he ever had when he and Kaz had kissed on that stage. 

The memories came faster, the good cycling out the bad. There was no time to dwell on the things that separated them, not when all he wanted was for them to be reunited. Their sun soaked morning kisses lit a spark in his heart, their talk about parallel universes reminding him of what he believed in and how that belief carried the foundations of who he was and why he lived his life the way he did. Learning, through Kaz, that living his life the way he had been wasn’t cutting it anymore. That he had to be himself, whoever the hell that even was. 

Coming out to Ralph, and Noah, and Liv, and Kes, and all his other friends, and breathing for the first time in a long time. Realizing that he was in love and he wanted to hold onto that love, realizing that Kaz loved him and that it wasn’t too late. Doing things he’d never done before, wearing clothes he’d only ever admired from afar, kissing the person he loved in public because he could. 

There was a million reasons that he should have walked away, that they both should have, but walking away had never been an option, not really, ever since Lucas had first laid eyes on Kaz. That was why he was running towards, wasn’t it? Not away? He was running for love, for the best thing that had ever happened to him even if it had been compounded with some of the worst. 

It was Kaz, it had always been Kaz, and it would always be Kaz. 

He wrenched open the door to the theater, thanking the stars above him that the door was unlocked. His feet traced the same path they had weeks before, albeit much faster, and he threw open the curtain to the auditorium, hoping and praying that he wasn’t too late and that the boy he loved was just waiting for the boy _ he _loved. 

And there he was, center stage. One of the spotlights was on, and he was standing with his back facing Lucas, arms wrapped around his middle, body shaking. He looked so small standing up there alone, and Lucas only paused a moment to let himself sigh in relief.

Then he was running again, down the aisles, almost tripping as he skipped some of the stairs, and he was panting and he could see the exact moment Kaz heard him because his shaking body stilled, and his arms fell, and he turned, looking like he thought he must be dreaming. 

Lucas reached the stage, climbing up onto it panting and sweating but he didn’t feel any pain at all, just relief and love and longing. Kaz stood still, watching as Lucas walked towards him as if in a daze. Tears stained his face and his hood was pulled up over his head. Lucas reached a hand out, and Kaz looked at it, reluctant to take it and break the fantasy. But then Lucas took another step closer, and Kaz took his hand, and it was real. 

Kaz was there, Lucas was there, and they were both exactly where the universe had intended them to be. Lucas stood so his face was close to Kaz, close enough to kiss, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to do anything before Kaz knew what Lucas had come there to say. He placed both of his hands on Kaz’s face and looked him in the eyes. 

“You are not alone.”

Kaz closed his eyes, a few tears spilling out, and Lucas pressed their noses together.

“You are not alone,” he repeated, “And I’m not going anywhere.”

They didn’t need to kiss, they just looked into each other’s eyes and felt the same number of things they always felt when they did. Lucas dropped his hands from Kaz’s face and wrapped them tightly around his shoulders, pulling him close.

Finally, finally, he felt Kaz’s arms around him, and they held each other, held each other with the strength of a thousand men. Because love was hard, and it was sacrifice, and it was pain, but most of all it was this: two boys holding one another in a universe of their own, neither one alone, and never letting go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn


	10. week ten: minute by minute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> bruh catch me out here crying in the club i can't believe i actually wrote a whole s3 and that people actually wanted to read it but i really ended up loving this story and i hope you do too <33
> 
> like fr everyone who read this i owe you my entire heart and i hope you love this last chapter as much as i do 🥺

**ZATERDAG 9:17 - I love you on purpose**

_ \- now playing: two slow dancers by mitski - _

The sun shone its way through Lucas’ wide window as he gazed at the sleeping form of the boy he loved more than anything. He looked so peaceful, even though Lucas knew that once he woke up it would probably be a different story. Kaz’s phone was lighting up continuously on the bedside table and Lucas debated in his head whether to check it or not. He didn’t want to be invasive, but he also didn’t want whoever it was to be worrying about Kaz, especially if they’d received a similar sort of message to the one Lucas had. 

In the end, that part of him won out, and he pressed Kaz’s fingertip to the fingerprint sensor, careful not to wake him up. Most of the calls and messages were from someone labelled as Zo, who Lucas assumed was Kaz’s sister, so he quietly left the room and called her. He hoped she wouldn’t be mad at him, but this had also been what Kaz needed last night, and Kaz was his first priority at the moment. 

She picked up after a few rings. “Kaz, thank god! Where the fuck are you?”

“Hi, uh, is this Zoe?” he asked, just to clarify.

He sensed her unease over the phone. “It is. Who are you? My brother— is he—” she cut off and he hurried to ease her worries. 

“He’s fine, I promise. Sorry, I should have, um, led with that. My name is Lucas, I’m—” he tried to explain.

She interrupted. “I know who you are Lucas. Anyone who’s ever been within a ten kilometer radius of my brother knows who you are.”

He didn’t know how to respond to that, unsure if she was angry or not. “Oh,” he said lamely. 

She laughed into the receiver, and he could almost picture her shaking her head, despite the fact that he didn’t know what she looked like. “I’m glad he’s with you,” she said, “I saw your comment on his blog, by the way.”

“Oh,” he repeated, blushing, “Yeah, about that…”

“It was cute, and it made him happy, I think,” she said before he could try to explain himself.

“Did it?” he found himself asking. The Kaz he’d run to last night sure hadn’t seemed happy. 

She paused before speaking again. “What do you mean?” 

“Well.” He debated what to say, not wanting to get Kaz into trouble but also feeling like she needed to know what had caused him to race to Kaz in the middle of a church service with his mother. “I only found him last night because of the first message he’d sent me since I saw him a week ago. And the message, it scared me. I thought…” 

“You thought he was suicidal?” she filled in, because he hadn’t wanted to say it. 

He nodded, then remembered she couldn’t see him. “Yeah.” His voice broke at the end, and he hoped she hadn’t heard it.

She sighed. “I’m not inside his head, and I’ve giving up trying to be, so I can’t guarantee that he wasn’t, and I’m afraid I can’t give you much reassurance beyond that. He reacts to things very impulsively, his emotions fluctuate and spike a lot, and he can go from the top of the world to the bottom in the blink of an eye. I won’t lie to you, we’ve had a few scares in the past, and I can’t say there will never be more, but I know that with you he was the happiest he’s been in a while. Genuine happiness, too. He just got scared, I think, because his relationship with Mila was like that in the beginning too, and everything changed when he told her he had borderline.”

“What do you mean?” he asked, because Kaz had gone back to Mila when he thought Lucas had left him.

“She was more of a mother to him than a girlfriend, we all saw it. That was part of why he moved out, actually. He and mama had been talking about it for a while, but I think Mila was the one pulling the strings. She’s not a bad person, she really isn’t, but I don’t think that she knows how often she goes about things the wrong way,” Zoe explained. 

He laughed ruefully. “Yeah…” 

“But he’s ok now?” she asked.

“He is. I hope,” he added as an afterthought. He looked through the crack in his bedroom door at where Kaz was still sleeping. “He’s been asleep for a while, but I don’t want to wake him up or anything.”

“Yeah, let him sleep,” she agreed. “Our mom is probably going to want to talk to him in a bit as well too, but I’ll stall her as much as I can. She worries quite a bit, even when we tell her there’s nothing to worry about.”

Lucas smiled, thinking about the apparent care that ran through this family. “I understand. When he wakes up I’ll have him call you back. I hope I’m not overstepping by calling you, I just didn’t want you to be worried that something had happened.”

“I appreciate it, Lucas,” she said, and he smiled into the phone. “You’re good for him, I can tell already, and I don’t know you but I have a suspicion he might be good for you too. Just cut him some slack. I know more than anyone how hard it can be with his disorder sometimes, but if you’re going to choose to be there for him, you have to be there through it all. You might think it’s hard for you to deal with, but that’s not even anywhere near how hard it can be for him.”

“I know, believe me, I really do. It’s more up to him at this point, I’ve made it very clear where I stand. But if he’ll have me, I’ll be there through thick and thin, I promise,” he said adamantly, and she laughed softly.

“Don’t promise me, promise him.”

He laughed in return. “Yeah, I’ll do that too.”

“Oh,” she added, “And tell him he can’t keep hiding you from us. I like you already, and we have to cement our friendship before Kaz knows what hit him.”

“I’ll try,” he promised.

Zoe paused. “And thank you Lucas, for being there last night. If it really was a crisis situation, our whole family owes you everything.”

“There’s really no need to thank me.”

“Ok,” she agreed, but she didn’t really agree, “But thanks anyway.”

“You’re welcome,” he said, “Hope to meet you soon.”

“You too. Bye.”

“Bye.”

He hung up, slipping back into his room and putting Kaz’s phone back on the bedside table. Now that that was taken care of, everything else could wait. Lucas settled himself back into bed beside Kaz, lying so they were facing one another. 

It could have been five minutes or five hours, Lucas sort of lost track, but he saw the exact moment Kaz started to wake up, brows furrowing together minutely, eyes squinting blearily. He opened them after a minute or so, looking surprised to find Lucas looking at him. Kaz poked his head up a bit looking around the room before settling back down on his pillow.

“I thought it was just a dream.” They were the first real words Lucas had heard him say in over a week.

Lucas shifted to look at Kaz more directly. “Thought what was a dream?”

“You,” Kaz answered looking down at the sheets. Lucas wanted to reach out and hold his hand, but he didn’t know if Kaz wanted that.

“I’m right here,” he said instead, and Kaz didn’t respond. Lucas scooted himself a little bit closer to Kaz, laying his hand on the bed in the small space between the two of them. 

Kaz turned abruptly onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. “I should go.”

Lucas bit the inside of his lip, trying not to react too quickly. “Why?”

“My family is probably wondering where I am,” he said, and Lucas shook his head. 

“I talked to Zoe a little bit ago. She knows you’re here.”

Kaz looked at him, finally. “You talked to Zoe?”

Lucas nodded. “Was that ok?”

Kaz didn’t answer directly again, choosing instead to look back up at the ceiling. “I’m sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be.” He had nothing to apologize for, if anyone should have been apologizing, it was Lucas. 

“I am, though. For not telling you, for running back to Mila. We didn’t… I simply trusted her as a friend, but Mila is Mila, I guess.” Kaz sighed, wrapping his arms around himself.

“What do you mean?” Lucas asked, because he wanted to get Kaz’s perspective, let him speak for himself for a change. Lucas had a funny feeling he didn’t get that opportunity very often.

Kaz blinked, twisting his lips as he searched for an answer. “She knows me better than I know myself a lot of the time. But she thinks that means she always knows what’s best for me, and maybe she does, but sometimes I just want to feel what I feel without her input. That’s why I wanted to break up with her, before I even met you. She has this was of making me feel insignificant and understood at the same time, does that make sense?”

It did. “Only you can feel what you feel,” Lucas said, and Kaz licked his lips, a nervous tick of his that Lucas had noticed in the past. 

“I didn’t know she blocked you,” Kaz said, “I thought you just didn’t care.”

It was becoming increasingly difficult for Lucas to stay on the opposite side of the walls Kaz had built up, but he tried to for Kaz’s comfort. He continued to speak, and Lucas continued to listen. “When I saw your comment… I haven’t really been in the best place mentally this last week, and I couldn’t look past the fact that you knew about my disorder. I never wanted you to know, because I know about your mom and even though you love her I know how hard it can be on the people we love and I didn’t want to become something you had to deal with. I freaked out, and then I tried to message you and I realized Mila must have blocked you, and I wondered if she’d done so because you’d said something to me that she didn’t want me to see. It could have been something good, like your comment, but my mind went in the opposite direction. I felt entirely hopeless, and I didn’t know what to do, so I went to the theatre for clarity. While I was there, I realized it didn’t matter what you thought, I had to tell you how I felt one last time, even if it was all one sided. I never expected you to show up, and I still don’t know why you’re with me now.”

“I showed up because I care for you more than most people in the world. I’m still here because I want you to know that my love for you isn’t fragile. It won’t break under pressure, and I meant it when I said I’m not going anywhere. I’m yours as long as you’ll have me,” Lucas said, a mixture between stern and pleading. 

Kaz’s face looked like it had softened minutely, and Lucas was trying really hard not to come on too strong, but maybe that was what Kaz needed. They were way past the point of walking on eggshells, if they had something to say they should just say it. 

Kaz finally looked at him again, eyes shining with unplaceable emotion. “The person you know, the one you fell in love with, that’s only a small part of me. I can pretend to be happy or pretend that everything’s ok quite well, but sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes I won’t want to be around you for no reason at all, or I might want to be around you too much. I’ll take even the smallest of arguments harder than most people, and I won’t be able to help it. I’ll feel useless or unloveable and nothing you say will be able to change my mind, and then I’ll feel on top of the world and like nothing can stand in my way and I won’t be able to see why you don’t understand. I’ll love you deeply through it all, but sometimes you might never know. I don’t want to do that to you, give you a love that doesn’t feel whole.”

“Kaz—” Lucas tried, but Kaz just shook his head.

“I don’t have to take medication, but I go to therapy once a week, twice if I’m in a really bad headspace. I’ve been institutionalized before, I’ve tried to kill myself before, and I can’t guarantee neither of those things will ever happen again. I’d love to believe that they won’t, but my brain is wired impulsively. Something small can feel like the end of the world and it’ll make me irrationally angry to the point of hurting myself, and I’ll regret it ten minutes later but at the time it will feel like the only option available to me,” Kaz explained, pain lacing its way through his voice. He shifted his body so he was facing Lucas fully. “I’ll hurt you, I know that I will. Not physically, but sometimes emotional scars can run deeper. I’ll act like I did at the hotel, or worse, or I’ll get defensive when you try to care about me. I don’t understand what it is to be cared for, sometimes, and that discomfort rears its head in ugly ways. Zoe sticks around because she has to love me. I’m giving you an out now, you are under no obligation to love me now or ever again. The last thing I want to do is ruin the memories of our past with the troubles the future might hold for us.”

Lucas closed his eyes, listening, understanding, then opened them, crystalline blue boring into deep brown. “I love you on purpose, Kaz.”

Kaz opened his mouth to interject, but Lucas wouldn’t let him. “I’m hearing everything you’re saying, and I understand, I do. But fuck that. I don’t want a way out, I just want you. You can’t repeat the past, you just can’t, but we  _ can _ carve our own future, one that will have downs, for sure, but the ups will more than make up for it. I’ll push you away at times, retreat into my own head, but it won’t mean I love you any less or that I don’t want you anymore. I wrote that comment, ran to you last night, and am lying here today because I’d weather every storm if it meant I got to call you mine.”

“I—” Kaz squeezed his eyes shut. It was the smallest trace of a movement, but when his hand twitched Lucas grabbed onto it without hesitation, clasping both of Kaz’s hands between his own.

“What if it  _ is _ too much for you, no matter what promises you make? I don’t want you to stay in a situation that you’re unhappy in,” Kaz said in a soft, meek voice. 

“The same goes for you,” Lucas said. It was ridiculous for Kaz to think he’d cause all their problems when Lucas had caused a great majority of them so far.

Kaz insisted, “But what if—”

“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Lucas said, squeezing Kaz’s hands a bit tighter. “Ok? For all we know the world could be wiped out tomorrow and none of this will matter at all. As much as it doesn’t do any good to dwell on the past, it doesn’t do any good to worry too much about the future either, believe me. We’re going to play a game,” he proposed, and Kaz looked at him earnestly.

He continued, “Lucas and Kaz, minute by minute. The only thing we ever have to worry about is the next minute, and if we can get through that, we can get through anything.”

“Minute by minute,” Kaz repeated, and Lucas nodded. He thought about his mom and how long the two of them had been playing this ‘game’. It had saved them both in many ways, and he wanted to be able to share that with Kaz. There was a hint of a smile on Kaz’s face, like he almost didn’t believe what Lucas was saying but he wanted to very badly. 

“Minute by minute,” Lucas agreed.

“So what will we do for this minute, then?” Kaz asked.

Lucas considered. “In this minute… In this minute we’ll kiss. Is that cool?”

Kaz nodded. “That’s cool.”

When they kissed there was no orchestra, no fireworks, no confetti, but instead there was an understanding that passed through their lips. An understanding of where they stood and how much they loved each other, that it was Lucas and Kaz and Kaz and Lucas together, for infinity, in every universe. 

_ \- now playing: work by charlotte day wilson - _

**ZONDAG 16:09 - I don’t want to mess it up**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246214978/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246889872/in/dateposted-friend/)

So far that day had been a good day. Kaz and Lucas had woken up tangled together only to be interrupted by Ralph who thought they looked cute and wanted to take a picture. Lucas had been a bit wary about how Kaz would react, but the moment he heard a soft laugh and saw a sparkle in Kaz’s eye, his world instantly got so much brighter. 

They made breakfast together, nothing too special, and they stayed relatively quiet the whole time, but Lucas could tell how at peace they were in each other’s company. Kaz had spoken to his family the day before and told them he’d be staying at Lucas’ place for a little while, and Lucas didn’t know how long that might be, but he was glad for as long as it might last. 

Kaz had barely kept his hands off Lucas since the morning beforehand, not in a sexual way or anything, but more in a way to confirm that they were both there, together, and not going anywhere. They were tender touches, fingertips grazing the back of his neck, backs of hands brushing together, knees knocking clumsily as they sat across from one another. Lucas didn’t take a single touch for granted, and he knew Kaz wasn’t either. 

They’d more or less fallen back into the version of themselves they’d been a week or so ago, but there was something there that hadn’t been before, something that told them both that they could breathe and they didn’t have to worry about each minute together being their last. They had all the time in the world. 

“I think today’s a good day,” Kaz had confided to Lucas softly as they’d lain in bed watching tv aimlessly on Lucas’ laptop around an hour ago. It had brought a smile to both of their faces, gentle kisses following, tv show forgotten. 

The two of them were now spread out on the couch in the living room, legs entwined with one another. Ralph had chastised them for spending so much time hidden away in Lucas’ room, so they’d reluctantly vacated their mini universe and found their footing back in the real world. 

Noah had joined them in the more recent minutes, waiting on Liv to come home from studying with the girls. Just as Noah and Esra were staples in their household, Lucas felt warm inside to see that Kaz was becoming one too. 

Noah was shuffling through nail polish colors, and Kaz had leaned his torso over to help choose which one Noah should use that day. Lucas eyed the two of them, debating whether or not he wanted to join the conversation. 

“I love that one,” Kaz said, pointing to a summery yellow. It probably wasn’t seasonally appropriate, but sunshine had no season when you really thought about it. 

Noah scrunched his nose. “Not much of a yellow guy. That one’s Liv’s, actually.”

Kaz hummed. “That’s too bad, it’s a nice color.”

“Do you want to use it?” Noah asked distractedly, “Liv won’t mind, she hardly ever uses that color.”

Kaz’s demeanor perked up. “Really? You’re sure?”

Noah shrugged, handing it over. “Yeah, of course. Nail polish is communal at casa Han der Reijners.”

Kaz leaned over a bit further so Noah could hand the bottle to him, soft but genuine smile on his face. He glanced up at Lucas before leaning back. “Do you want one?” he asked.

Lucas had an instant of panic, but then reminded himself to breathe. The thing was, he did. He wanted to paint his nails with his boyfriend and not make a big deal about it. So he looked at the colors Noah had spread out, choosing the first one that caught his eye, a sky blue that was also seasonally inappropriate. “I like that one,” he said, pointing. 

Noah met his eyes briefly as Kaz reached for it, sharing a secret smile. 

“I’ll do yours if you do mine,” Kaz said, disentangling himself from Lucas so he could sit on the couch normally. Lucas followed suit, meeting Kaz’s gaze. 

He bit the corner of his mouth. “I’ve never, um… I don’t want to mess it up.”

“Nonsense,” Kaz said, tracing over the back of his hand. “I’ll do you first, so you can see what to do. Sound good?”

Lucas nodded, not trusting himself to speak. Kaz seemed to understand regardless, kissing the top of his head in reassurance as Lucas laid his hands out on the table in front of them. He wondered if he was making a huge mistake, but then rationalized that if he didn’t like it he could always just take it off right away. 

“It’s going to look great, I promise,” Kaz said to him, warmth filling his eyes and his every word. 

Lucas nodded again, taking another deep breath. “Ok.”

Because fuck it, what was there to be scared of? Nail polish wasn’t more gay than having a boyfriend, he decided. And what did he care either way? If this was who he was, it was better to accept it than to push it deep down inside. Maybe it wasn’t who he was, but he’d never know unless he tried. 

_ \- now playing: what a heavenly way to die by troye sivan - _

**MAANDAG 8:21 - I forgot about the culture club**

Kaz hadn’t felt up to coming to school, and Lucas was trying really hard to live by his own decision to take things minute by minute. He felt better knowing that Kaz had taken the day to go check in with his family, so he knew that was a positive thing, at least, but he missed him nonetheless. 

He’d been fairly tuned out of the pre class conversation, debating whether to text Kaz or give him space over and over again in his head. He hadn’t even noticed that the girls had decided to come and sit with them, and that Sander was talking to him.

“Earth to Luc?” he said, probably not for the first time, and Lucas looked up sheepishly. Sander continued, nodding down at his hands, “I like it.”

At first Lucas didn’t know what he was talking about, then he glanced down at his own hands and remembered his, Kaz, and Noah’s activity the day before. He blushed deeper, looking at the light blue on his nails, only the pointer finger on his right hand painted the sunshine yellow that matched all the nails except for the pointer finger on Kaz’s left hand. 

“Yeah?” he said, voice coming out more timid than he’d wanted it to.

Sander laughed at him, rolling his eyes. “ _ Yeah _ . It suits you.”

Lucas bit the inside of his cheek, grinning the slightest bit. “Thanks.”

“Where is Kaz, then?” Sander continued, as he likely knew that Kaz and Lucas had spent the weekend together. 

“He went to check in with his mom and sister,” Lucas answered, “He wasn’t feeling up to coming to school.”

Sander just nodded, clapping Lucas on the back. “How are you doing, everything considered?”

“Honestly?” Lucas paused, huffing out a small laugh. “I’m great. Do I wish that Kaz felt good enough to come to school today? Absolutely, but I know how much his family cares about him, and I know that it’s probably good he’s with them right now. I’m trying this new thing where I don’t worry about everything all the time.”

Sander laughed. “How’s that working out for you?”

“I guess the jury’s still out on that one,” Lucas admitted with a shrug, but he was smiling. Sander pulled him into a short side hug, ruffling his too long hair that might actually need to be cut sometime soon. He loved his hair long, he did, but maybe just a little trim so he could see better. 

Engel interrupted the two of them, grinning in that sweet way she did. “Hey, Lucas, I already talked to Liv and Ralph, but would you be willing to host the culture club party on Friday?”

Lucas raised his eyebrows and looked at Liv over Engel’s shoulder. Liv shrugged helplessly and Lucas couldn’t help but laugh. Sander blew air through his nose, shaking his head. “I forgot about the culture club.”

Engel looked offended. “Doesn’t make it any less important. You don’t have to go on our end of the year trip, then.”

“What end of the year trip?” Lucas asked. He had been certain they would have forgotten about that by now. 

“I’m telling everyone where we’re going at the party, but the party needs a venue, so if you’d agree to host, I’d love you forever,” she explained exasperatedly. 

Jayden walked over to join them slinging an arm around Engel’s shoulder. “He already has a boyfriend for that,” Jayden said, and Lucas nudged him as Engel threw his arm off of her, staring at Lucas expectantly. 

“Yeah, of course,” he said, because what did he care? A party sounded pretty nice at the moment, if he was being honest. The last one he’d been to hadn’t carried the greatest memories.

Engel squealed, clapping her hands together. She leaned in and gave Lucas a big hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Thank you, thank you! You’re incredible! This will be the party of the decade!”

“Will it now?” Sander said under his breath, and Lucas laughed along. 

“Oh, before I forget, it’s a black tie affair,” Engel added, and Lucas almost choked on his laughter. 

“It’s a what now?”

Engel looked between Sander, Lucas, and Jayden like they were idiots. “A black tie affair. The holiday theme is so passé, and we figured there’s no better way to ring in the roaring twenties than have an extravagant 1920’s American themed party. The perfect way to appreciate a different culture  _ and _ have the greatest party ever.”

“So… Gatsby?” Lucas confirmed, because that was all he could picture. 

Engel shrugged. “Sure.”

“I’m in,” he said, and Sander rolled his eyes at him. 

“Of course you’re in, you and your boyfriend have a weird Gatsby fetish.”

Engel coughed. “A what?”

“Ignore him,” Lucas said, glaring at Sander, “We’re all in, and you can host it at our place.”

Engel squeled in excitement, jumping forward to hug Lucas and give him a kiss on the cheek. “You’re incredible! You won’t regret this! And tell Kaz to come, of course!”

“Of course,” he agreed. 

Engel started walking away, waving at them over her shoulder as she dragged the rest of the girls along with her, likely to tell other people about the party of the decade now that she had a concrete place to host it. Despite himself, Lucas was excited. This would be the perfect way to decompress after what had just been probably the most stressful few months of his life. Though, he had to admit, the rewards had been well worth the struggles to get there. 

_ \- now playing: perfect places by lorde -  _

**DINSDAG 18:46 - And you had a girlfriend**

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246890312/in/dateposted-friend/)

_ \- now playing: sunflower, vol. 6 by harry styles -  _

Lucas was laying on Kaz’s couch, petting Daisy with his head resting on one of his arms while Kaz sat across from him drawing what Lucas assumed was a beautifully rendered sketch of Daisy. Maybe of him too, but he didn’t want to get his hopes up. It had been a good day, at least that’s what Kaz had said, and when Kaz invited him over after school, who was he to refuse? 

Why they’d continually opted to hang out at Lucas’ flat when Kaz had a nice, big, empty one  _ and _ a cat was beyond him, but he didn’t really mind either place, as long as he was with Kaz. 

“I’m hosting a party on Friday,” Lucas said, because he wasn’t sure if Kaz knew yet and he had been waiting for the right moment to bring it up. 

Kaz looked up at him over his sketch with raised eyebrows. “Yeah?”

Lucas squinted one eye, flopping on his back and holding Daisy to his chest. “Well, technically. It’s Engel’s party, but it’s at my place.”

Kaz put his hands to his face and Lucas sat up with a frown, letting Daisy slip away and do her thing. When Kaz dropped his hands his face was bright with laughter and disbelief. “The culture club. Wow, I forgot about that.”

Lucas snorted, throwing a pillow at Kaz, even as he agreed, “I think everyone did.”

Kaz peeked up from behind the pillow he’d used to block Lucas’ pillow attack, tossing his sketchpad to the side. “I was there to meet you, you know.”

Lucas fell back onto the couch, shaking his head and hugging his arms to his chest. Leave it to Kaz to have a grand romantic statement for every occasion. “Yeah, right.”

Kaz didn’t answer for a moment, coming over to lay down next to Lucas and looking at him seriously. “No, really.”

“You’re serious?” Lucas laced their fingers together, still not entirely believing him, even as Kaz nodded with a smile. 

“I saw you on the first day of school,” Kaz explained, holding Lucas’ hand to his chest. “You didn’t see me, but I knew from that moment that there was something there. I didn’t know what it was until the first time we hung out over here, when I took that photo of you. I think that was when I knew that I was going to fall in love with you.”

There was a lot to take in, so Lucas addressed one thing at a time. “What photo?”

Kaz raised his eyebrows. “When I told you I like to document beautiful things?”

Yes, Lucas did remember that now. He blushed at the thought, biting his bottom lip. “I didn’t know you were talking about me.”

“Well I couldn’t be  _ too _ straightforward. I didn’t know if you felt the same or not.”

“And you had a girlfriend,” Lucas pointed out, and Kaz laughed.

“And I had a girlfriend.” He shifted so he was laying on his side and Lucas followed suit. “When did you fall for me?”

Lucas thought about it. There hadn’t necessarily been one moment, moreso a whole host of them, because every interaction he’d had with Kaz had brought its own magic into his life. There was the moment he’d realized he was in love, though. “Falling for you was never the question, I think I fell the moment you shared your joint with me in the bathroom and quoted Gatsby. I realized I was in love in the bathroom too, after you apologized to me for kissing Sofie. I knew then that we’d both royally fucked up, me more than you, probably, and that I’d never forgive myself if I didn’t make it right. Everyone has one miracle happen to them, and every day I’m more and more certain that you’re mine.”

Kaz leaned in until their foreheads were pressed together. “Why are you always saying you don’t have a way with words?”

“I don’t,” Lucas argued, but Kaz wasn’t having it.

“Your countless love declarations have said different.”

“Are you saying you’re sick of them?” Lucas teased, and Kaz brushed their noses together.

“Au contraire.” He ran a hand through Lucas’ curls, letting his hand rest on Lucas’ cheek when he finished. “I’ve always thought the most important words in my life would be found folded between the pages of a critically acclaimed novel, but then you came into my life and said or wrote all these words that mean more than anything I’ve ever read in my life.”

Lucas’ voice came out in a hushed whisper. “Better be careful, this might go to my head.”

“I hope it does.” Kaz inched in ever closer, and Lucas’ heart beat against his ribcage in anticipation. Kaz teased him leaning back just as their lips were about to connect. Lucas followed him instinctively, eyes heavily hooded with desire. “Do you think every Kaz has found their Lucas?” he asked.

Lucas settled back into how he’d been laying down, eyes still on Kaz’s lips. “I don’t know. I don’t think we’re the first Lucas and Kaz, but I also don’t think we’re the last.”

“Oh yeah?” Kaz raised his eyebrows and Lucas nodded. “Who do you think was the first?”

Lucas thought about it as if he hadn’t done so a million times during sleepless nights. “I think they’re Norweigan,” he said, and Kaz laughed.

“Norweigan?”

“Do you have a problem with Norwegians?”

“No,” Kaz laughed again, “It’s just very specific.” 

Lucas smirked, thinking of the pair of Italian, French, German, Spanish, and Belgian versions of them he’d created in his head. He’d like to think they all existed, and that there were even more iterations than he’d even considered. “We should travel the world, collect each version like Pokemon.”

“Starting with the Norwegians?” Kaz clarified.

“Of course,” Lucas agreed, “We wouldn’t be here without them.”

Kaz considered him thoughtfully. “Do you think Norweigan me appreciates the same literature and films I do?”

“Hmmm, good question…” Lucas trailed off, thinking about it. “I think… Norweigan you has a greater affinity to  _ Romeo and Juliet _ than  _ The Great Gatsby _ , but the love for Baz Luhrmann stays the same.”

“I think that there’s at least one other version of you named Lucas, but maybe he’s French so he pronounces his name all fancy without the S at the end,” Kaz added. 

Lucas thought back to some comments on his Instagram posts and one on the message he’d left on Kaz’s blog. “I actually think you might be right about that one.”

“Of course I’m right, endless versions of us means that everything we say is accurate,” Kaz reminded him. That was true, wasn’t it. He didn’t feel overwhelmed by the prospect, but then again he never had. If anything, he felt less alone at times, knowing there was so many versions of him spread across this universe and many others. Instead of hoping they didn’t make mistakes like he did, he hoped they made mistakes of their own, because each mistake he’d made had only been a catalyst to a better outcome in his life. He was rooting for all the other Lucas’ out there and he hoped they were rooting for him as well. 

“We should make a movie about Norweigan us, you know, to say thank you for existing and all that,” Kaz suggested, and Lucas shook his head. 

“Or you could make a movie about me.”

Kaz leaned in close again. “Of course I’m going to make a movie about you. But who says we can’t do both?”

Lucas trained his eyes on Kaz’s lips again. “Both is good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Kaz finally closed the space between them, kissing Lucas deeply. “I’m so privileged to love you,” he sighed. 

“And you say I’m the one who has a way with words,” Lucas said, equally breathless. 

Kaz smiled minutely. “Let’s say we give words a break for a little while, yeah?”

“Oh?” he asked, even though he was pretty sure he knew what Kaz had in mind instead. Kaz sat up, pulling Lucas with him as he did. 

“Come,” he said, pulling Lucas down the hallway, both of them laughing. They entered Kaz’s bedroom, walls as full of art and color as ever. Some new photos and drawings and paintings stuck out to him, as they depicted Lucas or the two of them. He smiled at each addition, making a mental note to get Kaz to help him decorate his own bedroom better. The lack of photos of the two of them in his room just wouldn’t do. 

He let himself picture their future for a minute, thinking about moving in together and having a beautiful space of their own, just the two of them and Daisy. Maybe they’d get another cat, call him Gatsby, or maybe something entirely different, but something that meant just as much to the both of them. He imagined waking up beside Kaz every morning, neither of them feeling out of place in the slightest. It was a beautiful idea, and the feeling that bloomed in his chest at the thought sent him into a spiral of desire. They could wait, of course, decisions like these should be considered when they’d been dating for longer than a few weeks, but he didn’t see a future with anyone other than Kaz and didn’t think he ever would. 

He and Kaz fell onto Kaz’s bed together, mouths connecting in a searing kiss that lit every nerve in Lucas’ body on fire in that heart stopping way their kisses always did. He smiled into each kiss, and he could feel Kaz doing the same. If they stayed there for the rest of the afternoon, kissing like the world was going to end, only Daisy was there to judge them. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246215158/in/dateposted-friend/)

**WOENSDAG 12:54 - You’re not my type**

_ \- now playing: this is the day by the the -  _

Kes kicked Lucas under the table for the millionth time since they’d sat down for lunch, a subtle reminder that people other than Kaz existed, and Lucas glared at him for the millionth time. He knew people other than Kaz existed, he simply didn’t care in the present moment. 

He could tell that today hadn’t been as good as yesterday for Kaz, but he still showed up to school and was managing things to the best of his ability. Lucas sent him soft reassuring smiles every time they’d seen each other during the day, and they’d fully intended to sneak off somewhere private for lunch only to be interrupted as they were about to leave by Jayden. Kaz had said he was fine with eating lunch with Lucas’ friends, but Lucas was keeping an eye out just in case. 

So far everything was fine, Sander and Kaz were in the middle of a conversation about some foreign tv show they both watched, and Jayden looked like he was trying his best to keep up. 

Kaz’s hand found Lucas’ under the table and Lucas struggled to keep the blush from his cheeks while Kaz remained entirely casual. The only indication Lucas got that Kaz felt as warm inside regarding their touch was the way the corners of his eyes softened as he glanced at Lucas for the barest second before turning back to his conversation with Sander. 

Kes kicked Lucas under the table again. 

“Dude,” Lucas hissed under his breath, and Kes feigned innocence. 

“You’re too in love, it’s making me antsy,” Kes said with a shrug and another kick. 

Lucas heard Kaz stifle a laugh, but he wasn’t letting Kes off the hook that easily. “Try being around you and Isa all the time.”

Kes opened his mouth to argue, then laughed instead. “Touche.”

Kaz smiled down at Lucas, squeezing his hand once. “Can you blame me?”

Jayden and Sander groaned in sympathy. “Shut up, I swear!”

Lucas flipped them all off kissing Kaz full on the mouth and letting it last a bit longer than was totally necessary. He had never in a million years thought he’d be one for PDA, but when it was with Kaz, how could he not?

“Hey,” Kaz looked at each of Lucas’ friends in turn, “Not my fault none of you guys realized you had the most beautiful boy in the world right in front of you all this time.”

Kes scoffed in indignation. “I’m the prettiest boy here, we all know it.”

Kaz and Lucas both scrunched their noses in argument, and Kes scoffed again, turning to Jayden and Sander. “Don’t tell me you two agree.”

“Dude, you know I think you’re hot, but come on. Lucas,” Sander said apologetically, and Lucas high fived him across the table. Kes sulked some more, turning his attention to Jayden, who was pointedly looking away. 

Jayden coughed discreetly. “Lucas.”

Kes nearly flipped his food off the table. “Come on! Really?”

“You’re a close second,” Sander said, but Kes still crossed his arms with a huff. Lucas knew better than to think Kes was actually mad, so he smirked victoriously across the table.

Kes raised his eyebrows. “Fine then. What about you, which one of us would you fuck first if given the chance?”

“Kaz,” Lucas answered without question, but even Kaz shook his head. 

“I’m not included in this,” Kaz said. Lucas glared at him in a way that said,  _ fine, you asked for this _ . 

He sighed. “Kes.”

Kes whooped loudly enough that people at tables surrounding them looked over with apparent confusion and curiosity. Lucas rolled his eyes. “You knew this already,” he said pointedly, because he  _ had _ told Kes about his previous feelings for him.

“Still,” Kes said with a wild grin and a shrug. 

Jayden leaned over and shook his head. “That’s not fair, then.”

“If it was fair I’d have been able to choose my actual boyfriend,” Lucas argued. 

Jayden narrowed his eyes. “Fine. Between me and Sander, then.”

Lucas pretended to think about it, laughing to himself a bit at the fact that both Sander and Lucas looked like they were in the running for the Miss Universe pageant. He turned to Jayden with a small smile. “Well, obviously you,” he paused, turning his eyes to Sander, “Sander.”

Sander cheered aloud and was engulfed in a celebratory hug by Kes. Jayden crossed his arms. “Why am I last?”

Lucas shrugged. “I don’t know. You’re not my type.”

“You guys would fuck me though, right?” Jayden clarified, looking at Kes and Sander. The two of them exchanged a look, not even having to say a word before Jayden put his head in his hands on the table. “Seriously!”

“Hypothetically, I’d fuck you,” Kaz said reassuringly and Lucas snapped his head to his boyfriend, earning an apologetic smile. 

Jayden poked his head up, eyes wide. “Seriously?” he repeated, more hopefully.

“Sure,” Kaz agreed, smiling that wide beautiful smile of his. 

Jayden grinned in triumph. “Hear that fellas? Have fun with Lucas, but Kaz would fuck  _ me _ .”

“Neither Kaz nor I are fucking any of you,” Lucas clarified, but his words fell on deaf ears. Sander and Kaz high fived Jayden in respect, turning to Kaz appreciatively. 

“Obviously, you’re number one for us too,” Sander said, “We just figured Lucas would murder us if we said so.”

Kaz laughed. “I’m flattered?”

Lucas laughed sarcastically. “I  _ will _ murder you.”

“No need.” Kaz pressed a small kiss into his hair. “I’m all yours.” Another kiss. “And always will be.” Another kiss. There would have been one more, but Lucas anticipated it and turned his head up to meet Kaz’s lips. He could feel Kaz’s smile in the kiss and his heart overflowed with more love than he could have ever imagined. Funny how often that happened these days. 

When he turned his attention back to the boys he was unsurprised to discover that they were all pretending to vomit at their displays of affection. Kaz leaned his head on Lucas’ shoulder, whispering in his ear as the rest of the boys picked up a new topic of conversation. “Thank you.”

“What for?”

“For making me feel welcome, normal,” Kaz said.

Lucas looked down at Kaz’s head on his shoulder. “You are welcome. And normal.”

Kaz shook his head minutely. “It’s fine not to be, I know that I’m not. Just… thanks for not treating me any different, I guess is what I mean. For not walking on eggshells around me because you’re scared of what I might think or do or say.”

“I love you too much to do that,” Lucas said honestly. He’d always felt the same way about his mother. Showing support was one thing, being overbearing or cautious was another. Support was rooted in trust and in love, and that’s all Lucas wanted for Kaz, so that was what he was going to do for every minute until the end of time. 

“I love you too,” Kaz said, and Lucas laid his head on top of Kaz’s. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246680436/in/dateposted-friend/)

**DONDERDAG 19:50 - A hopelessly misguided disaster gay**

Lucas was thinking, thinking a lot about his life and where he had been last year at this time versus now. It was impossible to believe that a few weeks ago he’d thought coming out was unnecessary and terrifying. It was impossible, but it also wasn’t. There was still a part of him that couldn’t believe his current life was really his life, was waiting for him to wake up from a dream. 

He was lying on his bed, spinning his phone aimlessly in his hands and looking up at the ceiling, doing nothing, thinking about everything, but everything didn’t seem so scary to think about anymore. His room felt like his room, not Jayden’s and he couldn’t decide whether he was happy about it or not. There were some instances, like when Kaz had given him a few art pieces to hang on his walls, that he’d felt irrationally happy to call this place his home. But then there were some instances when he’d wake up and forget that he wasn’t in the room he’d grown up in and a part of him would ache for the family he never had.

He knew that in most ways he was better off, but it didn’t hurt any less to think about what his life might have been like if he’d had a dad who cared. The father he  _ did _ have hadn’t contacted him once since the hospital, and Lucas didn’t much care if he did ever again. His rent for the next month would be due soon, and the only thing he was worried about was his dad not helping him financially anymore. If worse came to worst, he could figure something out, but the prospect of being entirely self sufficient when he was still in high school did raise his anxiety levels a little bit.

He hadn’t had time to visit his mom since the week before, but he’d called her after school to check in and schedule another time to visit. She really wanted to meet Kaz, and he really wanted Kaz to meet her. She was doing a lot better and some of her nurses and doctors said she might be able to leave soon, which Lucas was looking forward to more than he could say. Obviously she couldn’t go back to the house, though, which was sure to be a problem.

Minute by minute, she’d told him on the phone earlier when he’d brought up concerns about her living situation outside of the institution, so he decided to trust her for the moment and worry about it later. 

Lucas’ phone chimed and he smiled at the screen, pushing his worries from his mind as he read Kaz’s most recent text.

**Kaz: minute 19:54 - daisy keeps sitting on my homework, and i’m starting to think it’s a sign**

He was extremely happy with how Kaz had adapted Lucas and his mother’s motto into his daily life. He hadn’t been feeling the best all day and had ended up leaving school early, declining Lucas’ offer to go with him. Lucas had also offered to go there after class, but Kaz had insisted that he wanted to be alone, so Lucas didn’t push. He had, however, taken to texting Lucas minute by minute updates (at least, the minutes he remembered to) and Lucas understood it was Kaz’s way of trying to tell him that everything was ok, at least for that minute.

**Lucas: minute 19:55 - i’m wondering if you’d like to attend engel’s party with me?**

**Kaz: i’m still thinking about it. my head and life and whatever still doesn’t feel 100% back on track yet**

**Lucas: no pressure, then, whatever works for you**

**Kaz: can we take this one minute by minute too? maybe i’ll wake up tomorrow and a culture club party will sound like the greatest idea ever**

**Lucas: i mean it is gatsby themed**

**Kaz: hold up what now**

**Lucas: yeah, didn’t i tell you? apparently holiday parties are passe, so engel decided to have it 20’s themed, american for the culture aspect**

**Lucas: so gatsby basically**

**Kaz: minute 19:57 - regretting not buying the pink gatsby-esque suit i saw a few months ago **

**Lucas: so you’re coming then?**

**Kaz: tentatively yes… for gatsby, not you of course**

**Lucas: obviously**

**Lucas: that’s why i have various gatsby themed items adorning my walls and nothing of you**

**Lucas: speaking of, i need more of your artwork to fill them**

**Kaz: i hope you like various drawings of yourself then**

**Lucas: ha ha**

**Kaz: as if i would joke about that**

**Lucas: if you have any photos of the two of us that would also be appreciated**

**Kaz: as if i wouldn’t**

**Lucas: why are you talking like that**

**Kaz: as if i would tell you**

Lucas rolled his eyes and laughed to himself, thinking of a response when he heard a knock on his door. Liv wasn’t home, so it had to be Ralph.

**Lucas: minute 20:02 - ralph’s at the door, so i’ll be back in either a few or many minutes**

**Kaz: as if i’m not anxiously awaiting your return**

_ \- now playing: peach by broods -  _

Lucas took the time to rid the hopelessly lovestruck smile from his face before getting up and opening the door. As he expected, Ralph was standing on the other side, holding both of his hands behind his back. 

“Come in?”

Ralph obliged, sitting on Lucas’ bed without invitation. Lucas sat down at the head of the bed, looking at Ralph curiously. “Yes?”

“I have a present for you,” Ralph said.

“Christmas is still a bit away,” Lucas said nervously. He hadn’t gotten Ralph anything yet. 

Ralph clearly saw the panic in his face because he laughed, shaking his head. “It’s not a Christmas present.”

“No?”

Ralph shook his head again, showing Lucas his hands. In his right hand was a small rainbow flag, his left a sticker with the same rainbow on it. Lucas raised his eyebrows, looking from the items to Ralph. 

“I realized that it was my duty, as your guru, to get you your first bit of pride memorabilia,” Ralph explained.

Lucas felt his eyes get inexplicably wet with unshed tears and feared that if he looked at the items in Ralph’s hands for too long the tears would be unshed no more. Ralph looked alarmed, backtracking, “Obviously you don’t need pride things to be a part of the community, I understand if it’s too much—”

Lucas shook his head, taking the flag and the sticker. “Thank you. So much.”

“Yeah?” Ralph was looking at him with soft eyes, like he could see every thought running through Lucas’ mind. 

“You’re the best guru a hopelessly misguided disaster gay could ask for,” Lucas said, deciding laughing was a good way to cover up subtle sobs. 

Ralph placed a hand on top of his. “We’re all hopelessly misguided disasters at some point in our lives, I’m just glad I had a chance to be a part of your journey.”

“I am too.” Lucas wiped his eyes, not caring anymore if Ralph knew how touched he was by the gifts. “I was just thinking about this a bit ago, actually, how I never thought I would get to this point of being comfortable with who I am.”

“And how does it feel?”

“Fucking amazing,” Lucas smiled, exhaling. “I’ve never been more proud of who I am, and I’m sure I’ll be even prouder over time. I know I apologized already, but I want you to know how truly sorry I am for how ignorant I was before when you were trying to help me. Being myself seemed unthinkable, because I didn’t even know who I was, and I took that out on you, so I’m sorry.”

Ralph placed his hands on Lucas’ shoulders. “Lucas. I forgive you. Being an idiot is part of the process, but I appreciate your genuine apology all the same. I’m sorry if I was ever brash or pushy in your personal process, I’ve never been a guru before so I’m bound to mess things up too.”

“Well you did a great job. Maybe you should turn this into a career or something,” he joked, imagining a million parallel Ralphs running about like fairy godmothers for people of any gender trying to come to terms with who they are. The world would probably be a better place. 

Ralph laughed loudly, removing his hands from Lucas’ shoulders. “I’ll think about it, definitely. You’ll always be my favorite, though.”

“I’d better be!” Lucas exclaimed, shoving him playfully. “And if you ever need a guru in training, I’m always here for you as well, just so you know.”

Ralph looked taken aback, and Lucas continued, “You do so much for everyone, but especially us Han der Reijners, but I want you to know that Liv and I are always here if you need some guruing of your own, or even just someone to talk things through with. I may not be the best with advice, but I’m a great listener.”

“I…” The smile on Ralph’s face was somewhat sad, and he seemed to be a bit lost for words. “Thank you, Lucas, really.”

“I mean it,” Lucas reiterated, because as carefree as Ralph always seemed, there had to be times where he was as desperate as Lucas had been and needed someone to talk to, or someone to hug him and tell him everything would be all right. Just because he was older didn’t mean he had to pretend his problems didn’t exist for the sake of Lucas and Liv. 

Now tears shone in Ralph’s eyes. “I know you do. And I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Hug?” Lucas suggested, setting his flag and sticker on the table next to his bed. Ralph nodded, leaning in and wrapping his arms around Lucas. Lucas did the same, laying his head on Ralph’s shoulder. He was struck again by that same feeling of home, of comfort. It scared him to think that one day he might have to lose this, but he promised himself in that moment that no matter where he, Liv, Ralph, and Esra ended up, they would always be his second family, the one he chose when the one he’d been born to collapsed around him. 

He hoped the Lucases in other universes had been smart enough to choose their own Livs, Ralphs, and Esras as well, because he wasn’t sharing. His mom would love them too, he was sure of it, and she’d be happy to know how whole he felt around them, especially if he couldn’t be with her. Maybe he’d invite his flatmates to visit his mom with him sometime, they’d probably all like that. 

Ralph released him from the hug, wiping his eyes a bit and staring Lucas right in the eyes. Lucas wondered if he was going to say something to make them both cry again, and decided that if that was the case he wouldn’t totally mind. Crying from joy or overwhelming love was a feeling he could get used to. 

“So,” Ralph began, and Lucas prepared himself, “I take it you haven’t bought me a Christmas present yet?”

And Lucas cried all right, cried because he burst out laughing so hard that he fell over sideways on his bed and he forgot that he’d ever been sad in his life. 

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246680716/in/dateposted-friend/)

**VRIJDAG 21:21 - Life is now **

_ \- now playing: suit & tie by justin timberlake ft. jay-z - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246680346/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246215353/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49249334841/in/dateposted-friend/)

Sneaking into his dad’s house to find the only suit he’d ever owned to dress up for a Gatsby— sorry, 1920’s America— themed party probably wasn’t the smartest idea in the world, but he and Kes had gotten in and out like bandits, whooping and singing in the streets when they accomplished their mission. It was a little tight in a few places, probably because he hadn’t worn it in about a year, but Kes said that the tightness worked for him, so he went with it. 

The party was in full swing at this point, and Lucas was standing with the boys in the kitchen watching the mayhem go down. It reminded him of another party, where he’d been sitting in a bathtub with the boys, but everything in his life was so different from what it had been back then. 

Engel was bustling around to every guest, hair done up in tightly pinned curls looking every bit the 1920’s movie star she was destined to be in another life. Lucas didn’t think her smile had left her face once all night, but he could tell it was a genuine smile. She had come over immediately after school to start decorating their place to whatever her heart desired, and Lucas had to admit she’d done a really good job. Sofie had been by her side nearly the entire night and Lucas wondered to himself when they’d gotten so close, or if they even were close. 

Sofie looked amazing, obviously, and Lucas had wasted no time in telling her so. He was pretty sure what she was wearing was straight out of Baz Luhrmann’s movie, and he was very impressed with her dedication to the theme. Everyone’s dedication, actually. Lucas felt a tad underdressed in his too small suit, but he’d slicked back his curly hair in true 1920’s fashion and hoped that was enough. Sander had neglected to wear a shirt under his sportcoat, so there was that to contend with. 

Liv and Noah seemed off in their own world, kissing under the sparkling lights and looking at one another like they were the only people in the room. Lucas was glad their relationship was still going so strong, not only because they’d both come to be so important to him, but also because after everything they had been through, they deserved some peace.

Watching the girl’s twenties transformation after school and after decorating had been quite the experience as well, and he gave them mad props for their process. It had been well worth it, they all looked amazing and he’d been sure to tell them all so before deciding it was time to break into his house to attempt to look half as good as them. Esra had helped Isa tie her hair back in a wrap that mimicked one of Daisy’s silky headbands before asking them to help her decide what vibe she wanted to go for and match her hijab to the look. Every inch of her outfit was coordinated to a t, and the result was instantly iconic in a way that Lucas thought deserved to be memorialized somewhere better than her friend’s high school party. 

Isa mingled around as well, bouncing from person to person. It was crazy to think that last year at this time she’d really been going through it, especially with her relationship with Kes. Lucas secretly suspected that both of them still harbored feelings for one another, but for the time being she seemed happy on her own, and they’d been able to bond without Kes between them, so he was endlessly happy about that. She was no help in biology, but he wouldn’t have asked for any other partner. 

Lucas tuned back into the boys conversation, wondering if he needed to get his hearing checked or if they were actually talking about what he thought they were talking about. 

“I swear, I could totally hook up with her tonight,” Jayden was saying, and Sander was shaking his head. 

“Janna’s too good for you,” Sander said with a pat on Jayden’s back. 

Kes squinted his eyes over to where Janna was holding two glasses of champagne and trying to get Engel to drink with her. “I don’t know, I think they’re both chaotic enough that it would either work really well or be too weird.”

“Too weird,” Sander reiterated.

Lucas shrugged, “Never know unless you try.”

Sander looked at him like he was insane. “You too? Get Lucas a boyfriend and all of his common sense goes out the window.”

“I’m just saying!” Lucas said with a laugh. At the beginning of the year he probably would have agreed with Sander, but he’d seen how well (or not well, considering how you judged the situation) they two of them had worked together in biology over the course of the term. Would they make an awful couple? Yes, absolutely, but it was the end of the year and everyone deserved to have a little fun, make a few mistakes.

“Where is Kaz, by the way?” Kes asked, refilling his champagne flute with what looked like a lethal combination of vodka and red bull. 

To be honest, Lucas still wasn’t sure if he was coming. He’d said he had something to wear just in case, but he’d also gone back to his family’s house after school that day instead of his own place, so Lucas had taken that to mean that the day hadn’t been one hundred percent for him. “I don’t know,” he admitted, taking a sip of his own champagne. 

“No?” Kes asked, furrowing his brows. 

“We’re taking things minute by minute,” he said, finding comfort in the words. 

Jayden shook his head. “I swear, why haven’t we pitched this shit to npo yet?”

“I told you, they’d probably cancel it before my season or something,” Lucas laughed, because just his luck that would be the case. 

“Well what about Netflix, then?” Jayden pushed, wiggling his eyebrows. “We could make it happen, just saying.”

“Netflix wouldn’t care about some dumb twink in the Netherlands.”

Sander and Kes burst out laughing, but Jayden pressed on. “We’d  _ make _ them care.”

Lucas decided to humor him. “Sure. I’ll pitch my love story to Netflix. Don’t worry I won’t write you out, but Kes is obviously the next lead after me and Kaz for the season.”

“I’ll get my own season,” Jayden huffed. 

“No you won’t, the girls will,” Sander said, and Lucas nodded in agreement. “They’re probably more interesting than us anyway.”

“I think we’re ALL interesting,” Jayden said, causing them all to nearly drop to the floor in laughter. Sure, Kaz wasn’t there, but there was something to be said for joking around like idiots with his best friends. Laughing so hard you couldn’t breathe really was quite the underrated sensation, even in a tight suit.

“Alright,” Jayden said, once he’d regained his composure, “I’m going in.”

“I have to see this,” Sander said, shaking his head, and Kes nodded in agreement. They both turned to Lucas. “You coming?”

Lucas shook his head. “I’ll let you guys handle this one.”

“You sure?”

He nodded, raising his champagne flute to them. “Godspeed.”

_ \- now playing: black sheep by kailee morgue - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246214848/in/dateposted-friend/)

Once they were gone, Lucas set his glass aside and pulled out his phone, debating texting Kaz. He would completely understand if he didn’t want to come, but it wouldn’t hurt to tell him how much he missed him, would it?

Just as he pulled up their messages, he felt a hand slip around his waist and he looked up in surprise, confusion then excitement etching its way across his face. He was sure he looked helplessly overjoyed to the point that anyone who knew them was probably on the verge of downing another drink, but he didn’t care. 

Kaz’s lips met his in a small greeting kiss. “Hi there.”

“Hi.”

“Did you miss me?” Kaz asked, and Lucas leaned into him a bit more, nodding. 

“How could I not?”

Kaz’s answering smile was infectious, and Lucas was about to turn their chaste kiss into something with a bit more passion when someone coughed behind Kaz. He blinked out of his lovestruck haze, looking at whoever it was and frowning. He didn’t recognize the girl and wondered if she was one of Sofie’s friends or something. She raised her eyebrows at the two of them and Kaz rolled his eyes at her with a deep familiarity, and Lucas realized this must be his sister. 

“Zoe?” he confirmed, hoping he wasn’t wrong. 

She smiled at him, face softening, and it was obvious that she was related to Kaz. both of their smiles could light up any room. “In the flesh.”

“It’s so great to meet you,” he said hurriedly, hoping he didn’t sound nervous. “I’m Lucas,” he added needlessly. 

Thankfully, she didn’t give him a hard time about it. “You as well. I was starting to think Kaz was hiding you from me.”

“I  _ was _ ,” Kaz said, winking at Lucas, “I didn’t want to infect him with your gremlin capabilities.”

Zoe crossed her arms. “First of all, rude, and second of all, you just didn’t want him to know that I’m the superior Janssen.”

“I will neither confirm nor deny.”

“That says enough, doesn’t it?”

Lucas didn’t have any biological siblings, but the energy that radiated between Kaz and Zoe gave him an idea of what that must be like with jarring clarity. He felt a sense of melancholy, but it didn’t last too long. It was definitely for the best that any siblings he’d gained in his life were chosen by both him and them. 

While the two of them bickered back and forth Lucas took the time to appreciate Kaz in all his beauty. He was also wearing a black suit, but his fit properly and Lucas forgot how to breathe for a minute. He didn’t know why he’d never considered that Kaz in a suit would render him completely useless, but there they were. 

Zoe looked beautiful as well, and Lucas could see more and more of Kaz in her and her in Kaz the longer he looked at the two of them standing side by side. Her hair was cut short, perfect for the theme of the party, and she was wearing a deep mauve fringed dress with what Lucas assumed were strings of fake pearls draped around her neck. Then again, he could be wrong, he truthfully didn’t know if the Janssens were the type of family to have strings of real pearls lying about. 

“Hey, Zo, want to go dance? I know you love this song,” Kaz prompted, widening his eyes to communicate nonverbally as well. Lucas knew that look too well, using it himself many times. 

Zoe nodded her head to the beat. “Who doesn’t love this song? Brie Larson changed my life with her version.”

Kaz put his hand to his chest like he’d just been shot. “God, too true. That whole scene, iconic.”

Lucas looked between the two of them with amusement dancing in his eyes, but Zoe got the hint. “Yes,” she said, “I will leave you two alone for now but I’ll be pestering you the rest of the night, just so you know.”

“Wouldn’t expect any less from you, Zozo,” Kaz said sarcastically and she grimaced.

“Don’t call me Zozo.”

“It’s literally your Instagram name.”

“That means nothing.”

“Whatever you say.”

With that, she was gone, mingling with people left and right. Kaz wasn’t not outgoing, but between the two of them Lucas could see that he was definitely the more reserved of the two siblings. 

“Sorry about her,” Kaz blushed, ducking his head, “This was the only way my mom would let me come.”

Lucas shook his head, lifting Kaz’s chin with his hand. “Don’t apologize. She seems great.”

“Well I’m glad you think so because I, um, have something to ask of you,” Kaz said blinking rapidly, nervously. Lucas nodded for him to continue. “Would you want to come home with me tomorrow?”

Lucas furrowed his brows, wondering why Kaz would be nervous about that. “Of course.”

“No.” Kaz shook his head. “I mean  _ home _ , home. To meet my family.”

And  _ oh _ , that was a bit different. Lucas wouldn’t lie to himself and say the idea didn’t terrify him. It did. But a part of it also excited him, to think that Kaz was confident enough with where they were at to want to introduce him to people that meant a lot to him. Hadn’t Lucas just been talking about Kaz meeting his mother? This should be no more stressful than that. 

“Of course,” Lucas answered again, because there really was no other response. 

Kaz blinked at him, eyes wide and unsure. “Really?”

“Yeah, I’d love to meet your family,” he said reassuringly, and Kaz immediately pulled him in for a kiss. They both let this one linger more, Lucas’ arms wrapping around Kaz’s neck and Kaz’s hands wrapping around his waist. The broke apart momentarily before diving back in like kissing was the air they needed to breathe. 

Once they broke apart for real, Kaz rested their foreheads together. “I haven’t had a chance yet to tell you how fucking hot you look in that suit, but don’t think I haven’t noticed.”

“Right back at you,” Lucas mumbled, voice coming out more seductive than he’d intended. Kaz pulled him back in for another kiss, and Lucas found himself lost, forgetting they were at a party with all their friends. He thought back to Noah and Liv, alone in a crowded room, and completely understood how they’d been able to do that. 

Engel’s voice interrupted them loudly from the other room. “Can everyone come to the living room, please?”

Kaz and Lucas both groaned, and Lucas wondered if they’d be able to make it to his room with no one noticing. In the end he decided against it, mostly because he knew he’d never hear the end of it. Kaz took his hand and led him into the living room, stopping beside where Zoe was in heated conversation with Esra. 

Engel was standing on top of their coffee table, smile wide as ever. She waited to have everyone’s attention, then started speaking again. “First of all, I wanted to thank you all for coming and for supporting the culture club. I’ve had so much fun with this club over the term and we’re only going to have more fun as the year continues, I’m sure of it! Why, you might ask? Because we’re going to be planning for our culture club trip!”

She paused for dramatic effect, making sure everyone was listening, and Lucas couldn’t help but smile at her enthusiasm. He also felt a little bad he hadn’t given a single shit about the culture club since the Norway party, but he promised himself he’d help more in the spring. 

“And where are we going?” she continued, looking to nearly every individual person in the room in turn. “After rounds of deliberation and votes from our dedicated members, we’ve decided to go to France! Paris, specifically, because of how culturally enriching the city is!”

Cheers broke out and Kes and Sander moved to the table to lift up Engel on their shoulders. She laughed as everyone whooped and hollered and Lucas joined in on all the excitement. Paris. The city of love. He looked at Kaz and could tell they were both thinking the same thing. 

“Now let’s get this party started  _ for real _ ,” Janna said over the cheers, scrolling through whoever’s phone was playing music until she was satisfied. “It’s nearly the roaring twenties two point oh, it’s what we deserve.”

_ \- now playing: a little party never killed nobody by fergie, q-tip, and goonrock -  _

Kaz and Lucas’ eyes never left one another, but as the song changed so did their expressions. They were both in on a secret, and they both knew it. 

Lucas held out a hand. “May I have this dance?”

“You may,” Kaz said, smiling wider than Lucas had seen as of late and taking his hand. 

There wasn’t so much dancing, more jumping around and yelling lyrics at the top of their lungs, but that moment was so perfect Lucas wanted to ingrain it in his memory forever. He was so happy and he never wanted it to end. 

Little did he know that everyone in the room felt the exact same.

Isa was dancing with Kes, neither of them acknowledging things between them, but both of them were ok with that for the night. She looked beautiful and so did he, and the music reminded them of parties spent tucked into each other’s sides never wanting to let go, but their nostalgia didn’t bring back any bad memories, only the good ones. It seemed fitting to Isa that she’d end the year with Kes by her side, even in a platonic capacity. Kes thought the same. 

A little ways away, Liv and Noah danced together as well, Liv singing along and Noah admiring her every move. She was so vibrant, such a radiant human being and sometimes Noah had to pinch himself to remember that he wasn’t dreaming. That somehow, she’d chosen  _ him _ , and they’d continued to choose each other every day for over six months. The good times made all the bad times worth it, and Noah could imagine loving her for the rest of his life. He hoped she felt the same. 

Liv was ever aware of Noah’s eyes on her, even when he was certain she wasn’t paying attention. From where she’d started the year to now seemed like a complete 180, but most of the changes were for the better. It was incredible to her that she could feel such a genuine happiness when there had been a period of time after that party with Morris that she’d thought her life would never feel vibrant ever again. Noah had been there for her in ways she hadn’t expected, and she’d found a family in Isa, Engel, Janna, Esra, Ralph, and Lucas that, two years ago, she’d never have thought was possible. Liv had never liked to think about forevers, but a part of her had suspected Noah might be hers for quite some time. She hoped he felt the same.

Janna wasn’t always as happy go lucky as she might seem, but for that night, at least, she was. Her philosophy of life was that the bad things weren’t worth dwelling on, and it had served her well thus far. For some reason she was dancing with Jayden, and for some reason her brain was telling her that she might hook up with him later. She was a go with the flow kind of person, so if that happened, she wouldn’t be opposed to it. They would never end up in a relationship, and maybe it would be a disaster, but life could use a few more perfect disasters, in her humble opinion. 

Jayden felt the exact same way, and when he danced a little too close to Janna and she didn’t back away, he knew they were on the same wavelength. Sander watched things unfold from afar, wondering how the hell he’d just watched all of that unfold. Part of him wished he had someone to go home with that night, but a bigger part of him was happy watching his friends be happy. He was happy that Kes wasn’t walking on eggshells around Isa, was happy that Jayden hadn’t made a complete fool of himself, and was happy that Lucas looked happier than he’d ever been in the time Sander had known him. He figured he’d raise a glass to himself and the year to come, knowing that if this year was going out with such a bang it had nothing on what was to come. 

Esra didn’t know it, but her and Sander had a lot in common. She didn’t raise a glass to herself, and she didn’t want to go home with anyone, but she had such an immense appreciation for all these people that she couldn’t help but take a step back and take it all in, exchanging knowing glances with Ralph. Ralph was born for the roaring twenties, taking full advantage of a club he wasn’t even a part of. Maybe he’d even tag along to Paris, he knew they’d love to have him there. And maybe there were some hot guys in Paris too, so he could give Lucas a run for his money.

Zoe watched Sander watch Lucas and Kaz and wondered if Kaz would kill her for admiring the view she got from the fact that he wasn’t wearing a shirt under his suit. She was happy Kaz had brought her along, even if it was technically mandated by their mother. Sometimes, even though she could talk to anyone anywhere, she felt so alone, but everyone there had been nothing but welcoming, and she was glad Kaz had found people like this. He went through a lot on a daily basis, and most days she admired him for even having the strength to get out of bed. Not that she would ever tell him that, of course.

Sofie was in the middle of everything, right where she liked to be, and Engel was right beside her. She hoped she wasn’t coming on too strong or anything, but she also didn’t think Engel was noticing any difference in her usual behavior. Part of her wanted to be more obvious, the other part still too scared of rejection to even try. For the time being she decided to just live in the moment and let whatever happens happen. Maybe she’d talk to Lucas about it later, god knew she’d heard about most of his love life struggles. It would probably be good for both of them to be aware that she was definitely over him too, because she did worry he still thought she wanted to suck his dick. 

Engel was very aware of Sofie’s presence, but it didn’t bother her. She thought it was nice that Sofie was starting to get more involved with the culture club, and she really enjoyed her company. Mostly she was glad everyone was excited about the culture club again, because she’d really dropped the ball on that one for a few weeks. In her defense, she’d had a lot on her mind. She still did, really, but she was growing used to finding ways not to deal with it. She wasn’t ashamed of anything, she just knew that everything she was feeling would have to forever stay hidden so she didn’t ruin friendships. She looked at Liv and Noah across the room, heart panging as it did often as of late and sighed to herself. She almost wished it was still panging for Noah. But then Sofie danced closer to her, and she tried to forget about it all and dance with the new friend by her side.

Kaz was awestruck by everything that Lucas was. He was so many things and he didn’t even seem to realize. Kaz had calloused his hands raw drawing pictures of Lucas, pictures that he’d probably never show in fear of looking like a complete stalker, but in his defense, most of them had been done after they’d kissed for the first time. It was a beautiful thing to him that he was here, in this moment, holding Lucas in his arms and dancing along to the Gatsby soundtrack at a Gatsby party. Part of the reason he loved the story so much was because of the dreams it contained. He had so many dreams, and Lucas had turned out to be the biggest one of them yet. All the others seemed so much closer in his reach now that he had Lucas by his side. With Lucas, anyting was possible. Love, being loved, finding a security his life had lacked for so, so long. Sometimes it was still hard for him to not only see the worst in himself, or let himself be consumed by emptiness, anger, irrationality, impulsivity, and everything in between, but Lucas grounded him, brought him back down to Earth when his head spun into the clouds. Lucas stepped away from him, promising to be back in a minute, and all Kaz could do was smile as he watched him walk away, knowing that he would come back, and that the next minute would be ok because all the others would lead to forever. 

Lucas walked into the bathroom only to find Isa already sitting there, face close to the mirror. She jumped back in surprise when he entered, initial shock turning to laughter. 

“Sorry, I can go, I just had to do a few touch ups, you know the deal,” she said, but he shook his head. He didn’t actually have to use the bathroom, he just wanted somewhere to breathe for a moment while it hit him that he actually liked himself and his life. 

He sat on the counter, folding his hands in his lap. “No worries.”

She gave him a knowing look, jumping up onto the counter beside him and lacing her hand into one of his. “You seem happy.”

“I am,” he allowed himself to admit, then again quieter, “I am.”

“You deserve it,” she said. He twisted his mouth, not quite sure if he believed her, and she squeezed his hand. “I mean it.”

“I know, but I’ve fucked up in so many ways, you know that most of all—”

She cut him off before he could get too far ahead of himself. “We all have, Luc, come on. You did something dumb last year, sure, but that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve to be happy. I did something majorly dumb, do you think I don’t deserve to be happy?”

“Of course not!” he said immediately, then understood her point. He sighed. “Ok, ok, I get it. Thanks Dr. Keijser.”

“Anytime Padawan,” she said seriously, and he nudged her with his shoulder. “How’s it going with Kaz, though? Is he the man of your dreams?”

Lucas thought about it. “Yes and no. Because dreams aren’t reality, but that also doesn’t diminish what we have, you know? It doesn’t matter if he’s the man of my dreams, because he’s mine right now and that means everything. Does that make sense?”

“You kind of lost me.”

He laughed, trying to figure out how to say what he was getting at. He thought about his conversation with Esra all those weeks ago, and went from there. “A little while ago, I was asked what I believe in, what kind of faith I have, and at the time I didn’t really have an answer. I thought, maybe parallel universes, because then there’s always certainty that no matter what you do in this life another version of you is doing it right. And I still believe in parallel universes, I love to think about them, but I don’t want to put all my faith into a different version of myself. I want this version to be enough. Because really, at the end of the day, whether you believe in God, Allah, the theory of evolution, parallel universes, whatever, there’s only one thing we know for certain…”

He thought of Kaz’s vibrant smile, of Kes being there for him through thick and thin, of Jayden’s stupid jokes and Sander’s quiet comfort, of Ralph believing in him when he didn’t believe in himself. He thought of Esra’s wisdom and Engel’s passion and Isa’s pursuit of self worth and what it had taught him about himself, about Liv becoming the sister he’d never had and Janna reminding him not to take life too seriously. Noah taking him in without question because he was lost and in need of a place to call home, Sofie making stupid choices as a result of his own stupid choices and showing him that his actions had consequences but that love could overcome it all, or his mother’s strength and her endless light that would never diminish as long as he had anything to say about it. 

“Yeah? What’s that?” Isa interrupted his thoughts and he smiled, thinking about this minute and this minute only. 

“Life is now.”

_ \- now playing: mystery of love by sufjan stevens - _

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246680531/in/dateposted-friend/)

[ ](https://www.flickr.com/photos/169562538@N03/49246214928/in/dateposted-friend/)

ALT ER LOVE <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> couldn't let it end without a skamfr reference ;)
> 
> now i rlly wanna write a s4 so like stay tuned maybe 👀 
> 
> find me on tumblr: livvyblxcktxrn

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for indulging me xx
> 
> find me on tumblr: @livvyblxckthxrn

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [don't be afraid of a little bit of pain (love hurts sometimes when you do it right)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/22157098) by [aletterinthenameofsanity](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aletterinthenameofsanity/pseuds/aletterinthenameofsanity)


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